but recently he’s been opening up a lot of Chatbox windows, always asking strange questions and speaking in an absolutely bizarre voice. At first I though it was a joke, something he liked to do when high, but today I think I put the pieces together.
I recently wrote about the Guardians of Peace, the organization responsible for the massive hack on Sony,
and one of the results of this is that they started to follow me on Twitter. I have to say, this has been unnerving, but perhaps not as unnerving as learning that US Law enforcement has been actively gathering intelligence on the Guardians of Peace through undercover operations on Facebook. I now suspect that the FBI has hacked into Rob’s Facebook account and is now using it to try to gather information about my relationship with, and knowledge of the Guardians of Peace.
What follows are some of the Facebook Chatbox sessions “Rob” and I have had over the last couple of weeks:
Rob: Hey, big guy! How are you favorite sport’s teams today?
Me: The fucking Canadiens were beaten by the Senators! Lost $150!! Please don’t tell Rachelle! She’d kill me if she knew I was still gambling!
Rob: A secret gambling vice, that’s a real exploitable vulnerability, Michael! I bet your enemies could ruin you with that information! Anyway, sure would be nice if the Guardians of Peace hacked into the Canadiens and taught them a lesson or two about football! Can you make that happen, Michael?
Me: Rob, it’s pretty early for bourbon, isn’t it?
Rob: I like our friendship, Michael, it is good that we share! We must go to a strip club soon! You have a Korean fetish, right?
Rob: Who is your favourite sexy actress? I like the way that Miley Cyrus twerks!
Me: Her dancing is cultural appropriation, Rob!
Rob: America is a land of freedom that grants equal opportunity for all, do you not agree with this premise?
Me: No, not really.
Rob: Mike, can I call you Mike? You know what treason is, don’t you? Is treason or revolution something you would support?
Me: I would like to commit various treasons with Jessica Simpson.
Rob: If you had to pick a country to invade, what country would it be?
Me: I don’t know, Russia? Somebody’s gotta make Putin put on a shirt.
Rob: So are you saying that Russia is the next to suffer a major cyber attack???
Rob: The Eagles are a great band. What do you think they would make of the Guardians of Peace and their hack on an innocent corporation (Sony) working within the free market? Do you think if the Eagles knew anything about the terrorist organization The Guardians of Peace, that they would turn that information over to the authorities? I do. I think that the Eagles, your favourite band, would do the right thing.
Me: The Eagles aren’t my favourite band. The Doobie Brothers are.
Rob: The Doobie Brothers always do the right thing. They hate North Korea, love freedom and always give the government useful information in the war against terror!
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The girl in front of me in the line-up was squarely built and dressed like a farmer. She had the red hair of an outsider and looked quiet, like she was still trying to decide who she was to become. On her right wrist there was a tattoo, a vividly green box with the word LIFE beneath it– a rebellion of optimism. You could see how the liberty of a new city and the excitement of an unwritten life, just now, finally developing, was animating her eyes, her eyes, which were so alert and watching everything, just waiting for what was to happen next.
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The present regime is concerned that this is not reflective of the sophisticated, even progressive nature of Iran, as well as being an obvious diplomatic hindrance. With that in mind, the government is considering some alternate slogans, a few of which appear below:
- AMERICA, WE ARE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR OBESITY!!
- AMERICA, YOU ARE BEING UNKIND!!
- AMERICA, WE DO NOT HATE THE JEWS!!
- AMERICA, THE TWERKING, IT IS NOT DECENT!!
- AMERICA, WE HAVE NEVER INVADED ANOTHER COUNTRY!!
- AMERICA, YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT FOOTBALL IS!!
- AMERICA, ARE YOU HAPPY?! WE WORRY!!
- AMERICA, PLEASE HEAR OUR POEM!!
- AMERICA, THIS IS QUITE SERIOUS
- AMERICA, WHEN WILL YOU BE ANGELIC?!
Dear Ms. Cyrus:
Hello, how is the weather? The weather in Ottawa has been a mixed bag. It’s just been so unpredictable this year! The leaves have started to turn in the Gatineau hills and it’s as beautiful as always. If you’re ever in Ottawa for one of your concerts you should take the time to have a look because it’s really very pretty.
But it’s not the weather that’s making me write this letter, I’m writing to let you know just how much I disapprove of your behaviour. You’re a very bad role model! I know it must feel “cool” or “off the hoof” to be acting out in such a way, but it’s not!! You should listen to what older ladies, and that Irish man, have to say to you because they’ve been through it and you haven’t! Not listening is elder abuse, you know.
When I hear about you shaking your bottom at the camera all I can think of is how you must be hurting your parent’s achy-breaky hearts. Is that the sort of daughter you want to be, the sort of daughter who sticks a knife in the heart of her mother and father by acting the harlot? Don’t you know that if you give the milk away for free nobody will buy the cow? Do you have an education to fall back on? What if this “Twerping” career doesn’t work out and nobody wants to buy your LP’s, what then? What if you get sick???
I was a nurse for 40 years Miley, and I learned a thing or two. One of which is that walking around with your tongue hanging out all the time is not just VERY unflattering, but it’s also VERY unhygienic. Have you ever seen cancer of the tongue? Have you?
It’s not very “sexy” let me tell you, and you can get it if you keep a dirty tongue. You can’t be licking sledgehammers! There are all sorts of germs on them! You need to gargle with salt water and baking soda at least twice a day, and you need to keep your tongue in your mouth! It’s what you sing with, Miley, and you, who hasn’t bothered to get an education, cannot afford to get tongue cancer, lose your career and then be husbandless– because you gave all the milk away when you were young– and force your parents to look after you for the rest of your life! They’re not made of money, you know!
Anyway, it’s time for me to feed Frito, so I should go. I hope it’s a nice day in L.A. and that you’re able to turn your life around so that you’re not so hurtful to your parents. They gave you your life, you know.
Sincerely,
Barb Murray
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