Justin Trudeau and Barack Obama, or at least some consultation team associated with them, have made them, and now President Donald Trump, too, is releasing one. What follows are some selections from his playlist, as well as the President’s commentary on each song:
I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO6BtpIzIiM
“ This is a classic song. Sold over 6 million copies. Great artists. You ever see the video? In it a guy and a girl get it on in an elevator. Very hot. I had sex with Milla Jovovich in an elevator once. You see her in that movie Fifth Element? She wore nothing but bandaids in it, I mean, that was her costume. Very hot. Bet you would have liked some of that.”
Nadia’s Theme by Henry Mancini
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ttc9aCSRqEY
“What a beautiful, almost fragile piece of music. Made famous by that Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci in the 1976 Olympics. She was just a girl then, but she stole our hearts with her spectacular gymnastics. So beautiful. So limber. Later, when she was a woman, she appeared on Season 7 of Celebrity Apprentice. Attractive lady. Great boobs. Think they’re fake, but still pretty amazing. Saw her in the change room. Had to fire her, though. She just wasn’t cutting it.”
In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins
“ Very dramatic. If I was to commit a murder, I would do it to this song. Perfect music for killing. Phil was supposed to appear on Celebrity Apprentice but there was a scheduling conflict. Very short man, doubt he would have done well.”
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by the Beatles
“You can’t go wrong with the Beatles, and I particularly like this song because it’s about money. The Beatles should have written more songs about money. If they did, they could have gone on forever, but people were really getting bored of all that love stuff near the end. They were fading. That’s why they had to break up. Had nothing to do with Yoko. Got to say, Yoko was not an attractive woman. Weirdly, Ringo, who was the ugliest Beatles, had the best looking wife. Barbara Bach. She was a Bond girl. A real luxury edition. We used to have sex regularly in a bathroom stall at Studio 56. Ringo had no idea. Such a fool.”
Carmina Burana by Carl Orff
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rbZr7YoqK0
“You might remember this tune from an Old Spice ad where a guy is surfing. A hot blonde is watching him, just begging for it. Very erotic. The music is incredible, really speaks to me. Used to listen to it turned up real loud before every negotiation. Got me pumped out to head into battle. Never lost one.”
Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke
https://www.vevo.com/watch/robin-thicke/blurred-lines-(unrated-version)/USUV71300526
“Oh man, the titties in that video!”
]]>We were at the Madison Pub’s regular Tuesday night game. Perhaps 50 people were there to play Texas Hold ‘Em, with the winner receiving a $25 gift certificate for the place. I’m a bad poker player who is almost completely ignorant of the protocols at the table. I play cards with the same amount of intelligence and design as I play a scratch-and-win ticket. I also talk constantly, always telling people I don’t know what I’m doing, and so for most serious players—even in a no money game– I’m a really irritating presence. To make matters worse on this night, I kept winning.
(This is a rough approximation of me at the table)
Drunk guy: This is bullshit, man!
Me: I play by my gut. I play the person, not the cards.
Drunk guy: Are you saying you played me?
Me: What I’m saying is that I just got lucky. Honestly, I’m a beginner and I really don’t know what I’m doing.
Drunk guy: I see through you, you fucker. Don’t keep feeding me that bullshit line, okay?
And then he glowered at me, rolling up his sleeves to reveal his white supremacist tattoos. I pretended to suddenly become transfixed by something that was happening on the TV.
This tension continued for another half hour, eventually culminating with the drunk guy accusing my friend and I of being cheats, before our table was broken up by the powers that be, and we were sent to different games like a bunch of delinquent children in need of a time-out.
After I was eventually bounced from the tournament, I started to play pool, where I met a woman named Mary. This woman had met actress and model Milla Jovovich on the set of one of the Resident Evil movies that was shot in Toronto and proudly announced that she had her cell phone number. Although she would not divulge the number to me, she agreed to act as an emissary and send some question to her on my behalf.
These are the ten questions:
- How many actors have you had sex with?
- How many actresses have you had sex with?
- Would you be interested in funding and starring in a movie about a couple of Poker Grifters who go from moneyless game to moneyless game in pursuit of the validation and love that eluded them as children? It will be an Oscar caliber screenplay.
- If a ghost lived in one of your many zillion dollar mansions, what name would you give it?
- Have you ever caused a ruckus on a plane? If so, please explain.
- What music do you put on when you’re feeling like doing it?
- Where do super-models hang out in Toronto?
- What is the best way to approach a supermodel? I’ve heard that they’re easily startled.
- Do you eat Kale? My wife says it’s a SUPERFOOD, but I’m suspicious.
10. The troops, are you for them or against them?
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