1. The Smiling Poncho (All staff must wear a poncho, and the chef will wear a sombrero with little, hooked fish hanging off the brim. It will be fun!)
2. Fish and Ships (You will sell ship knickknacks as an alternate revenue stream at the front desk.)
3. Clamorama (Deep-fried clams will be a specialty.)
4. Blood In The Water (This Risto will have a shark-attack themed décor. It will really stand out from the crowd and when you order the signature plate of paella, the theme music to Jaws will play as the serving staff brings it out. We will be a destination for birthday and bachelor parties, so if legal, we will have all serving staff working in bikinis and speedos. GAY FRIENDLY.)
4. Los Peces Sexy (Obviously, this means The Sexy Fish in Spanish. Consider Tango dance lessons in the evening?)
5. Scales And Males (This would be a gay restaurant)
6. Scales And Tails and Males (This would be a more flamboyant and risque gay restaurant)
7. Something Fishy. (This is cute, and I think that each night you should stage a marine-themed murder mystery production as entertainment for the dining guests.)
8. Crabbies (Part of the appeal of this incarnation would be the gruff, sailor-like atmosphere and service.)
9. Fishing for a compliment? (Could become popular with people on first dates!)
10. The Fishcotheque (On the weekends it a disco and fine seafood restaurant.)
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What follows are the text messages that I received from my wife Rachelle on that final night.
Hey Pickle, how are you doing?
Oh, that’s too bad.
Why are you scared?
Really??!!
You think you’re going to be murdered?
That’s too bad!
But yes, I am flattered that you want to leave everything to me.
It’s exciting to think about redecorating.
I’m certainly going to take down the baseball posters.
And that picture of you in the Tilley hat.
It is a Tilley hat.
No, it’s not an Australian Outback hat.
No, I’m sorry.
You’re right, your getting murdered is more important.
I am really very concerned about you getting murdered tonight.
No, I don’t want it to happen.
No.
I’ve never wanted it to happen.
No, not even very much then.
No, my dad doesn’t want to kill you.
He will not strangle you in your sleep.
He may snore, but he won’t strangle you.
By the way, why do you think tonight is the night that you get murdered?
Oh, I see.
Well, why are you guys staying at a drug and whore motel?
Is it because your road trip is actually all about drugs and whores?
It kind of sounds like it might be.
I am taking you seriously.
So, scary looking people have been watching you and the night manager is mean.
Oh, not mean, just unkind in nature.
I see.
So, he’s probably not going to be the murderer.
Have you and my dad discussed how you’re most likely to be murdered?
I’d bet on a screwdriver stabbing.
Yeah, it would probably hurt pretty bad.
Aww, I love you, too, sweetie.
You tell Jesus I say hi and that’s he doing very good work!
I will miss you.
But as I said, it will be nice to redecorate.
I want to make an accent wall in the living room where your baseball posters are.
It’s nice that you want me to find love after your gone.
Yeah, I suppose I probably will.
I’m young and pretty after all.
I guess it’s just your time, Pickle.
The chariot is going to swing low to pick you up tonight.
Oh, I didn’t realize that you two were armed for the night.
You have pepper spray for bears?
Really?!
And a hunting knife???
They’re from one of my father’s camping trips?
Oh, Lord.
You two are drunk, aren’t you?
Oh, I knew it.
And you were talking about scary movies in the car.
Look, why don’t you two just go somewhere else where you don’t think you’ll be murdered?
I don’t want you two to attack one another when you bump into each other on the way to the washroom.
Who do I think would win?
Well, my dad.
He’s about a foot taller than you and weighs 100 pounds more.
Okay, if you had both weapons and he was unarmed and sleeping…
Well no, actually you would still lose.
You’re jittery, Pickle, you’d pepper spray yourself and drop the knife on your foot.
Yes, you would.
Remember when you tried out the fire sticks at Julia’s party?
Kiki’s fur never grew back and Julia has never forgiven us, you know.
Oh, gotta go, Kitchen Nightmares is on!
We had a good run, Pickle, and remember, don’t be scared of the light, that’s where all your old pets are!
xoxxo
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