It’s a complicated and unresolved situation at this point, but in short, Ghomeshi, a popular radio personality in Canada, was fired from his job because his BDSM sexual proclivities– and the serious allegations stemming from them– were brought to the attention of his employers who decided, upon careful reflection, that they could no longer work with him as he damaged the brand. It is more intricate and terrible than just that, of course, and crisis management teams, wounded parties and insane lawsuits are now a part of the sex storm, but one thing that has happened with absolute certainty is that I now know way more about BDSM and the laws governing it than I ever imagined I would.

As I am a very adventurous and sensual person, I have suggested to my wife that we experiment with some BDSM in our life and she readily agreed. This is the BDSM Journal that I have been keeping.

Day 1

Submissive role: Rachelle

Dominant role: Me

Me: I DON’T WANT TO WATCH NASHVILLE TONIGHT!!

Rachelle: Pickle, I don’t think you’re supposed to yell, I think it’s more a tone thing.

Me: Oh.

Rachelle: Don’t worry. This is new for both of us, just try again.

Me: Okay.

Me: (Clears throat and delivers line sounding like Clint Eastwood) I don’t want to watch that damn Nashville tonight.

Rachelle: No honey, you sound like an old man

Me: Is that good? Does it turn you on?

Rachelle: No, not really. Let’s just watch Nashville, okay?

Grade of experience: 6 out of 10

Day 2

Dominant role: Rachelle

Submissive role: Me

Rachelle: We’re going to Ikea today to find some storage solutions and maybe a runner for the dining room table!

Me: I’m not feeling well.

Rachelle: OBEY ME, SLAVE!!

Me: Coldplay! Coldplay! Coldplay!

Rachelle: Honey, that’s not the safe word.

Me: I forgot it. What is it?

Rachelle: I’m not allowed to tell you. GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE GOING TO IKEA, MAGGOT FACE!

Me: Cold sore! Cold sore! Cold sore!

Rachelle; No, slave, that’s not it either! Put on your leash and get in the car, I COMMAND THEE!!

Me: Are we taking the dog with us?

Rachelle: YES!!

Grade of experience: 0 out of 10

Day 3

Dominant role: Me

Submissive role: Rachelle

Me: Please pass me the salad!

Rachelle: Yes, master.

Grade of experience: 9 out of 10

Day 4

Sadistic role: Rachelle

Masochistic role: Me

Rachelle: I have made bulgur for dinner tonight! It is an excellent source of fiber! Eat it now, worm!!

Me: I have been feeling a little clogged up lately. I deserve to be punished, master.

Rachelle: (Takes my glass of wine away)

Me: Hey! What the fuck???

Rachelle: You are forbidden from having any more wine this week! You drink too much and it’s bad for you, my cockroach!

Me: Cold war! Cold war! Cold war!

Rachelle: Pitiful fool, you’re not even close with the safe word! Teaches you for not listening to your master, now eat your bulgur!!

Me: Is there any Sriracha, at least?

Rachelle: NO! YOU FORGOT TO PICK UP AT THE GROCERY STORY! NOW, SILENCE! (puts on the soundtrack to Dirty Dancing)

Grade of experience: 0 out of 10

Day 1:

I am grateful that we are wealthy enough to hire a house cleaner.

I am grateful that Albina, our house cleaner, always changes from her street clothes into her work clothes in the living room. It’s provocative and edgy. It doesn’t matter what she looks like, it just shakes up the day, you know?

I am grateful for sharks, as they have starred in a lot of cool movies and television programming.

Day 2:

I am grateful that it is now socially acceptable for a man to carry a “murse” and not have to sit on his wallet all day. Sitting on a wallet is like having to sit on a Club Sandwich all day.

I am grateful that I am very athletic and am not a nerd.

I am grateful for the invention of yoga pants.

Day 3:

I am grateful for the TV show Nashville, which is fucking awesome.

I am grateful that I don’t have to read very much for my job.

I am grateful that we don’t live with a ghost in our apartment, that would really dampen the quality of our life, I think.

Day 4:

I am grateful that I am wealthy enough to buy prestigious clothes and look really good when I go out.

I am grateful that I am really, really popular, as I was in high school.

I am grateful for the good governance and fiscal responsibility that guides Canada as a nation.

Day 5:

I am grateful for the beautiful autumn leaves.

I am grateful that BB King is my uncle. I have learned a lot from him.

I am grateful for heating pads.

Day 6:

I am grateful for unexpected Scratch N’ Win victories!

I am grateful that the LCBO is just down the street.

I am grateful that none of my erotic selfies have been leaked to the public.

Day 7:

All praise and love to Jesus, our LORD and SAVIOUR! I am grateful to him for the abundant gifts he has given me. PRAISE!!

I am grateful for celebrities.

I am grateful for peanuts, particularly dry roasted peanuts.

Ashley was the girl working the little cafeteria on the boat. She had pale skin, thin red hair and a hole just beneath her lower lip where she would normally house the piercing her boss makes her take out for work. I asked if the chilli was a good choice and she looked at me blankly, paused for an unblinking moment or two, and then as unadorned and blunt as wood, said, “It’s okay, I guess.”

Our destination was Sheet Harbour, a community of about 800 people. The road we drove on felt like little more than a paved trail. We passed one other vehicle on the journey and overgrowth obscured road signs, giving us the feeling of moving toward a place that existed between points, a place free of time.

In the town we heard stories of Hurricane Juan. It tore the town up in 2003 and people were without power for weeks, but when three massive trees went down in the small, densely populated cemetery not a single tombstone was touched. What do you make of that, eh? You could get a good meal at the hospital cafeteria for $5, but the doctor was a drinker. Every home we passed seemed to carry with it a story involving the tragic death of children, of some tipping point when things began to fall apart.

Sandra wanted to travel to Nashville, Tennessee. “I’ve always loved Elvis and would just like to be able to look around his home. That would be a dream to me, but the truth is that anywhere would be nice, just to go on a trip and see something different. I’ve never been anywhere.”

Later, at the one local pub, the one open in the summer for tourists, we talked about tattoos with a young waitress. She had three of them, each one, she proudly told us, acquired in Oshawa– one of a Canadian flag, another a silhouette of a girl and a moon and the last one the word Serenity, which she had on her foot. She was going to be starting at Guelph University in the fall. “ I can’t wait,” she said, practically bouncing up and down, “It’s going to be so exciting to leave here, you just have no idea, it’s just going to be great.”

*********************************

Prince:

“ It was in 2004 and I was on a flight from London to Dubai. While flipping through the stations on my headset I started to listen to the Oldies station because they were playing a little known Beach Boys song that I just adore called “I Can Hear Music.” I just sort of fell into the station the way that you do, and then as if plucked from my nightmares, they played “Purple Rain.” I will never forget the cheesy announcer saying, “He may be a gracefully aging king now, but he’ll always be a Prince to us.” I wanted the plane to crash.”

Bryan Adams:

“I was at the fucking Home Hardware buying a couple of those big 5 gallon water pumps for my studio, okay?”

Michael Stipe of REM:

“I was paying for gas in Michigan. Funny, though, it didn’t make me feel old or irrelevant, it just made me feel beyond time. How long did it take for that to happen? 20 years? That’s really not very much time, but that’s all it took for us to become a part of musical history, to become the music that your parents loved. “

Sarah McLachlan:

“Oh Christ, I wish you hadn’t asked me that! I was in a Vancouver wine bar with a friend and the place was playing some generic radio station, and I don’t know why, but I was listening to the DJ just as she announced, “And here’s an oldie but a goodie by our own Sarah McLachlan—a classy woman.” And then my song “I Will Remember You “ came on and all I could think about was some woman in a retirement home singing along, broken and out of key, while thinking of her dead husband. Oh, it was just awful, I mean, it shouldn’t have been, but it was, it really, really was. And my friend Liz, who was sitting across from me, could see the obvious look of mortification on my face, and she just said, “Classy, classy woman, that Sarah McLachlan. “

Randy Travis:

“The God honest truth is I’m not positive that it was an Oldie’s station, but I was damn sure at the time that it was. I was in jail, that first night after my infamous DUI, and as I was getting processed one of the clerks was playing her radio and my song “Forever and Ever, Amen,” came on. I looked up, startled and ashamed, thinking about the words and what was actually happening to me, and I must have looked a fright because she turned it off immediately.”