Friends;

I am sorry for any broken limbs and shattered teeth that my enthusiasms may have caused. It was not my intention to hurt any of you, and you should know that Father Russia loves all of his children.

I must thank you very much for this training session. I needed it. Sometimes, the stresses of a global Alpha can be intense. Sometimes, you must break something or you yourself will be broken!

(Waits for applause to subside)

A man does not have it easy in this world, let me tell you.

But I am not here to speak of the unknowable hardships and cruelties a man such as myself must endure. No, I am here to congratulate Ezio Gamba for the powerful and autocratic judo lessons he has dispensed to the national team! He has made you all super hardcore, and that is the Russian way!

We are too hardcore for the Americans!
(Cheering)

We are too hardcore for the Japanese!
(Cheering)

We are too hardcore all the feminine states of Europe!
(Cheering)

We are hardcore!!
(Waits for applause to subside)

And Ezio, much of that is due to you, and I thank you.

I will tell you something you would not guess, but it is not conducting surveillance operations or gassing protestors where I feel most at home.

No, it is on the judo Tatami. It is there where I am my powerful true self.

I am a master of all flesh in the Tatami. There, in a tight embrace, I can unleash the unmeasured furies of my passion!

When I was a young and confused KGB agent, it was judo that provided me with a safe spot. It was there I could be my masculine self and share my physical feelings with other men, but elders grew concerned at the disorienting and often unsettling intimacies of the matches, and so they set me up to fight with Lyudmila.

She was very mannish looking and a formidable opponent. I did not know she was of the females until much later, after much rough combat. We were eventually paired in matrimony and an off-spring was made in the dark of the Russian night.

The American song Islands In The Stream played, I remember.

Yekaterina.

A beautiful name for a beautiful girl.

Our daughter, it is the one good thing Lyudmila and I did together. She is better than any judo moves we ever made, and I am not ashamed to say I would kill with my hands any man who would think to violate her with his primitive heterosexual urges.

No longer paired with Lyudmila, I was free to practice judo with whomever I liked, and those were glorious times for Vlad. Such beautiful judo! Truly, it is the sport of love.

Anyway, my old female partner has gone on to marry another man, a man 20 years younger than her! How about that?

I could have him killed, but I will not. He will suffer with Lyudmila as I suffered with Lyudmila, and I will continue to be the most powerful Alpha in the world, enjoying judo with as many partners as I choose!

You must eat the pain, comrades!!!

Long live Russia, and long live judo!!

Whenever I hear it I think of Casablanca—the music is an inspiring pulse of light that surges through me and lifts me up, inspiring me to save Ingrid Bergman from the Nazis. I had always assumed that they lyrics would convey that noble simplicity, too, but it wasn’t until a friend read me the lyrics that I actually realized what they were saying.

I had no fucking idea.

The Anthem is crazy.

Here’s an excerpt:

“Do you hear, in the countryside,

The roar of those ferocious soldiers?

They’re coming right into your arms

To cut the throats of your sons and wives

And rape your mistresses!”

I started to look around at the lyrics of a number of other countries and this is some of what I found:

An excerpt from the Chinese National Anthem:

“Without resting day or night,

Follow the Principles.

Swear to be diligent, play the violin

And master mathematics!

With one heart and one virtue,

We carry through until the very end!”

Egypt:

“Egypt! Most precious gem,

A blaze on the brow of eternity!

O my homeland, be for ever free,

Until mummies walk the land!”

Japan:

“May your reign

Continue for a thousand,

Eight thousand,

One hundred thousand generations,

Until the pebbles

Grow into boulders

Lush with moss.”

Lithuania:

“Tiny Lithuania, as true as a bullet

That flies through the sky

To pierce our enemies heart!

Our homeland is mighty,

We fear no dangers!

Live forever and be happy,

Dear, sweet Lithuania!”

Mexico:

“War, war without quarter to any who dare!

War, war! Let the national banners

Be soaked in waves of blood.

War, war! In the mountain, in the valley,

Let the cannons thunder in horrid unison,

War, war, war, war, war, Mexico will always win!”

Brazil:

“Brazil, an intense dream, a vivid ray

Of love and hope that descends to earth.

Come closer she whispers in the night,

I am your lover and you mine,

Brazil, in thy luscious, smiling skies

And curvy hills,

Do I make my eternal love.”

Canada:

“Good governance, good governance

Shall lead us true and free!

Good governance, good governance,

Bonne gouvernance, bonne gouvernance,

Canada sera toujours tirer et marquer!”

Laos:

“The Lao people of all origins are equal

And will no longer allow imperialists

And traitors to harm them.

Landlocked we may be,

But united and determined, we need no shining sea!”