The event first came to my attention back in 2006 when Stephen Colbert delivered a lacerating, satiric monologue to George W. Bush and his dubious assembly. I was astonished and exhilarated by the performance. It struck me as incredibly brave, a truly patriotic display of dissent that deserved all the awards. It was the sort of thing I could imagine being taught in university classes.

Of course, this was during the era of Jon Stewart and The Daily Show, and I was already a huge fan of all things Colbert. The emergence of their shows changed the way that I, and a lot of people, digested their news. Network News Hours were no longer the sole, or even primary means of disseminating “the news.” The dull, superficial theatre of traditional networks was giving way to the faster, more entertaining curation of the Comedy Network. News was changing, becoming something like sketch comedy, and each night we got to choose what sort of news we wanted. Colbert and Stewart were the new Dan Rather and Tom Brokaw.

Stewart and Colbert’s were always very persuasive and funny, and it was easy enough to forget that they were in no way balanced or objective, but as Stewart was always at pains to point out, he was performing comedy, not providing a comprehensive analysis of American politics. Nevertheless, it was around this point that we all started to migrate into separate news camps, existing happily amidst our tribe without ever having to intersect with an idea outside of our chosen position.

And now, about a dozen years later, Donald Trump is President.

It’s my theory that the age of Trump has put a kind of freeze on comedy. You simply cannot satirize the man, as everything he does is so far beyond the range of expectation that he completely obliterates the idea of expectation, and without that there can be no satire. I mean, not a single person on the planet would be surprised if one day he removed his human face on TV.

To make matters worse, we’re so polarized in our beliefs that we no longer have a shared understanding of what is true or what should be funny. People aren’t even certain where power lies right now– just that they have enemies, so, so many enemies! And one of the shadows cast by living this way is that comedy has become little more than simply mocking your enemies.

At any rate, this brings me to the White House Correspondents Dinner that just took place, the one that featured Michelle Wolf from the Daily Show taking the piss out of Sarah Huckabee.

I didn’t watch all of it, and only saw snatches of her performance as it repeated throughout my social media feeds. I guess what I really saw was a meme, and my response was instinctive rather than analytic, and in this peripheral reading what I saw was not justice triumphing, but a person in a moment of power hurting someone else. Huckabee didn’t look like she was acting hurt, she looked like she was hurt, and it made me feel badly to see that.

I’m not sure why this is. Huckabee doesn’t align with my politics, so shouldn’t I take pleasure in seeing her receive her just comeuppance in front of the entire world, all dressed up as she was in her finest dress? Well, I don’t know. I have been furious in my life, wounded so deeply that all I wanted to do was verbally destroy a person, and I’ve followed through on that and let me assure you, there is no pleasure to be had in making somebody cry. It felt horrible to see the consequence of my words made manifest in the face of another human being. I don’t know, maybe now that I’m old and mortal, and a father to a young son, I’ve started to value mercy over justice. Maybe I just can’t find anything funny in this absurd mess we’re all in.

I honestly have no idea.

What is clear is that The White House Correspondent’s Dinner is a ridiculous anachronism, a kind of entertainment award’s show, that should just be cancelled. It was obviously designed as an insider event, an acknowledgment that although the media and the political class they covered had to sometime assume adversarial positions, they were still both privileged, with much more in common than not. And for one night they would all admit they were actually in the business of entertainment and just relax, but now they’re not so much on the same team. Now there are many teams, each one feeding on whatever it is that’s bubbled up from our collective unconscious and now lives in the swampland of social media. Its’ a war now, one with too many fronts to count, and humour is hard to find.

Scandal Scenario #1

A sex tape purported to feature Mayor Ford, his brother Councilor Doug Ford and an unknown prostitute has been circulating the Internet. The Mayor’s office wants to assure everybody that this is a hoax perpetuated by the left wing media in an effort to subvert the democratic process and defame hard working civic officials. The faces of the men in the videotape are not visible, as they are concealed by football helmets, and Rob Ford’s famous third nipple is nowhere in sight. It should also be noted that Rob and Doug are very common names, and the fact that they are repeatedly bellowed throughout the video in no way links the Ford brothers to this robust threesome.

Scandal Scenario #2

What the left-wing media has been describing as a Japanese Sex Doll– that Mayor Ford has been seen hauling in and out of his Escalade over the last week– is in fact a Football Tackling Dummy.

Although it certainly has some feminine features, this in no way describes a sexist or degrading attitude toward women. Far from it. In fact, Mayor Ford has been using the Tackling Dummy as an instructional prop in order to help educate his football players in sexual harassment protocols and in the proper treatment of cheerleaders.

Scandal Scenario #3

Mayor Ford, while generously playing Santa Claus at a Dufferin Mall charity event, did not ask a child present if there was black Santa Claus, too, as the left-wing media has been reporting. The boy who cited this story, Abdul Azeem Kazi, is clearly a Muslim and obviously does not believe in Santa Claus. There is just no way he would have been telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We have strong reason to suspect that this boy was working for the Toronto Star and that his parent’s are in the country illegally.  Stop the gravy train!

Scandal Scenario #4

Although the Mayor tried cocaine back in his youth in the 80’s, he has not knowingly used it in a freebase situation in quite a stretch. The Mayor regrets his youthful experiments (there was no sexual experimentation) with drugs, and hopes for a speedy conclusion to the NHL hockey lockout.

Heidi got job at Globe and Mail to write Horoscope for dog. Hope you like!

Aries:

Aries dog hate leash. Think they Alpha of the pack but they not! Just dog with big head. Aries dog often scared of cats. Avoid cats this week. Cat know you just faker.

Taurus:

Taurus dog have great inner strength. Can bark for days at tree. In fact, great gift of Taurus dog is bark, which can be very beautiful if cultivated. Why wait, Taurus dog? Now is time to become great barker always wanted to become. Practice now!

Gemini:

Gemini dog famous for being stupid. All German Shepherds are Gemini. Gemini dog have dual nature and can never make up mind. Chase squirrel, not chase squirrel? Gemini dog don’t know! This week, chase squirrel!!

Cancer:

Cancer dog very good at swimming. This make them very weird dog. Heidi no like cancer dog. This week if cancer dog go swimming will be killed by Snakehead fish. It is written in stars.

Leo:

Leo dog very stupid. Think all great because often tall but really just baby-dog who like squeak toy more than blood of enemies. Leo dog disgust Heidi. This week very bad for Leo dog.

Virgo:

Virgo dog just love to travel! Pee on every tree! Virgo dog also have gift of clairvoyance. Can see future with only brain. This week must trust gift and locate missing child in well, then get many treats!!

Libra:

Libra dog must be very, very careful of cars this coming week. Be wary of squirrels! They follow Satan! Do not chase them to onto the hard black dirt of speed machines! Heidi warn you!

Scorpio:

Scorpio dog scared of growing up! Why Scorpio dog, why? You sit around with chew toy, wearing slave outfit of master! Scorpio dog have no pride, disgust Heidi! Time to start own pack! Stop wasting time on Cute Overload! Not getting any younger!

Sagittarius:

Sagittarius dog born under sign of the archer with Jupiter as ruling planet. Oh, Heidi once loved Doberman named Jupiter! So strong, leap high in air to catch Frisbee, so beautiful to watch that Heidi knew God must exist! Heidi so young and so in love, so much tail wagging! Had great time in bushes with Jupiter but never saw him again. Always wonder about Jupiter, what litter might look like.

Capricorn:

Capricorn dog must ask itself: Are you the hunter or the hunted? What “a dog eat dog world” really mean? Stop barking at clouds and take time to consider these questions. Lucky number 7.

Aquarius:

Aquarius dog really, really like people. Very weak dog lacking in character. Given to fleas, inability to control tail and compulsive gambling. Sort of dog that like Christian rock. Special colour this week Electric Blue.

Pisces:

Pisces is sign of very, very good dog! Very pretty dog! Jesus smile on Pieces dog. All week Pisces dog will have important dreams! Pay attention! Very powerful dog, so go kill squirrel and tear cat to stringy bits. Dig hole always dreamed of. You know fetch no game.

“Chef, what’s the most important attribute for a young person to have to succeed in the hospitality industry?”

“Chef, would you recommend practical experience working or a diploma for those hoping to enter the restaurant field?”

Stuff like that.

This is the question I sent in:

“What is the absolute worst, most explosive, blood-thirsty battle you ever had in a kitchen?  I once had a bowl of Cheerios broken over my head. Sugar really hurts when it finds it’s way into an open wound.”

I should also let you know that the Chef decided who sent in the best question, with that person winning a $50 gift certificate to his restaurant.

Naturally, I expected to win, but I did not, receiving this email from the host of the event:

“Mike:

The Chef thought your question was stupid and that you were just looking for attention. He said people like you are “all hat, no cattle,” and awarded the gift certificate to Meredith, who used several Italian phrases in her query.”

Clearly, the Chef was an insecure moron. My question was obviously the best and he probably just couldn’t take another Alpha Male in the chat room, and so I sent him this letter:

Chef Dong:

You are stupid (on so many levels) to award Meredith the gift certificate based on her question from Wednesday’s chat. Really, all it takes to impress you are a few Italian phrases? How does this one work?

Siete una ferita aperta scopante.

Nice, eh?

No matter, I’m not writing to address the absurd injustice of your decision or extract revenge for your insults, but to warn you about Meredith. She is a bringer of cockroaches. She keeps a couple in a urine sample jar she hides in her purse and at an opportune moment during her meal she will release them, usually sticking them in a salad or some other vegetable that other diners will suspect came from Mexico.

She will kick up a big fuss, yelling and perhaps even fainting. I once saw her take off a high heel shoe and start banging it on the table pretending to try to kill this pet cockroach. She does this so that you, in a blind panic, will comp her meal and give her a free liter of house wine. You invite the darkness by awarding her the gift certificate for her stupid question. She is a curse. The sun will hide for years if she wins this contest.

There is still time to reconsider, so reconsider.

Michael Murray