I know it’s not politically correct to do this but I’m going to do it anyway, Merry Christmas everybody! I could say something like “Happy Holidays,” or “Season’s Greetings,” like the nerds in the office want, but I’ve got to be me! Rob Ford is Rob Ford, and if that means taking the difficult path of the warrior, then that’s the car I gotta drive, and if you don’t like it, well, you can just sit on it. So if you’re gay or an Indian or Jewish and don’t respect Jesus and commerce, well, just ignore this and continue with your Chinese food and movies. (By the way, if you’re looking for a movie to see I’d recommend The Hobbit. It is WAY cool! I’ve seen it three times and consider it an early Oscar favourite.)

Now that I’ve gotten the “politics” out of the way, I just want to say, WOW!!!!

What a freakin’ year!

Our very own Toronto Argonauts won the Grey Cup, there was a bunch of black on black killings in gangtown, and until the left-wing media drove me to quit, I went on a diet. Even more, we’ve all had to battle through the NHL lockout and the subsequent hockey pool draught it’s caused, we shared in the emotional roller coaster that was the Ikea Monkey, and finally we all survived the Mayan Apocalypse! (I tell you, I was never happier to have a vacation property in Florida (two swimming pools) than I was on December 21^st when I thought it was all coming down! Anyway, I want you all to know that it was my honour to serve as your captain through all this joy and pain, all this sunshine and rain. Toronto, you can always count on me to be your quarterback.

I want to add that at city hall we’re really proud that we’ve been able to slow down the gravy train. It’s third and long for the socialists and downtown elite and soon we’ll have a casino the size of an airport right in the middle of Toronto, firmly establishing us as a world-class city. We have an awful lot to look forward to in 2013, so rock on, T.O!

Here’s hoping you all fight hard, but fight fair on Boxing Day, and that you get the stuff you want!

Rob

PS: And remember, if you get stopped during a holiday ride program, always say that you haven’t had anything to drink so that the police officer doesn’t have reasonable cause to give you a breathalyzer!

“For dogs, eh? So instead of you throwing the ball, this thing throws it for you?”

“ She just loves it.” I told him. “She jumps about, all excited yet totally focused, her tail beating like a propeller. It’s just about impossible to imagine a creature as perfectly alive in it’s own body, you know?”

He smiled and nodded.

I was going to move on but I didn’t.

“Can you remember anything that made you feel as alive in your body as fetch does to this dog? For me I think it was playing hockey as a boy. It was like being free of from the limitations of my body, almost from gravity, and I loved it so much that I would play for hours and hours and hours, finally walking home in my skates with frozen feet.”

The man didn’t say anything and I felt I’d gone on too much and was being weird and was about to move along again, but then he started to answer my question.

“I wasn’t much at sports and I guess I liked being alone– I didn’t have the best home life– but what I loved was kites. I had a Superman kite and I would go out into a field when I was about 8 or 9 and just see how high the wind could take it, imagining myself to be the kite, to be up there like Superman. So like you said, it was being free from your body, and those were the greatest moments of peace and happiness I think I ever had in my life.”

Scandal Scenario #1

A sex tape purported to feature Mayor Ford, his brother Councilor Doug Ford and an unknown prostitute has been circulating the Internet. The Mayor’s office wants to assure everybody that this is a hoax perpetuated by the left wing media in an effort to subvert the democratic process and defame hard working civic officials. The faces of the men in the videotape are not visible, as they are concealed by football helmets, and Rob Ford’s famous third nipple is nowhere in sight. It should also be noted that Rob and Doug are very common names, and the fact that they are repeatedly bellowed throughout the video in no way links the Ford brothers to this robust threesome.

Scandal Scenario #2

What the left-wing media has been describing as a Japanese Sex Doll– that Mayor Ford has been seen hauling in and out of his Escalade over the last week– is in fact a Football Tackling Dummy.

Although it certainly has some feminine features, this in no way describes a sexist or degrading attitude toward women. Far from it. In fact, Mayor Ford has been using the Tackling Dummy as an instructional prop in order to help educate his football players in sexual harassment protocols and in the proper treatment of cheerleaders.

Scandal Scenario #3

Mayor Ford, while generously playing Santa Claus at a Dufferin Mall charity event, did not ask a child present if there was black Santa Claus, too, as the left-wing media has been reporting. The boy who cited this story, Abdul Azeem Kazi, is clearly a Muslim and obviously does not believe in Santa Claus. There is just no way he would have been telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We have strong reason to suspect that this boy was working for the Toronto Star and that his parent’s are in the country illegally.  Stop the gravy train!

Scandal Scenario #4

Although the Mayor tried cocaine back in his youth in the 80’s, he has not knowingly used it in a freebase situation in quite a stretch. The Mayor regrets his youthful experiments (there was no sexual experimentation) with drugs, and hopes for a speedy conclusion to the NHL hockey lockout.

Shortly after this stunner was completed, the Jays signed Melky Cabrera, thus transforming their team into serious contenders to win the American League East.

Canadian sports teams have long had a hard time persuading foreign-born players to sign contracts here, as many players know very little about Canada, fear the taxes and imagine that they can make greater endorsement money in the United States. As such, the Toronto Blue Jays send a letter to all new players in an effort to familiarize them with their new environment, hoping to ease the transition and help teach them everything that they might need to know in order to prosper in Canada and more specifically, Toronto. This is the letter that the Blue Jays sent out to their most recent acquisitions:

Welcome new Blue Jays!

Let us first say that we’re absolutely thrilled to have you as part of our organization and are looking forward to a great year that will hopefully see us all working together to win the World Series!

All trades are disorienting experiences, especially when they involve moving to a new country and so we want to tell you a little bit about your new home to make your life as a Toronto Blue Jay as easy and fun as possible!

Canada is a geographically large country with over 30 million inhabitants and 3 million lakes. That’s one lake for every 10 people in the nation! You might think that Canadians would be expert swimmers or subsist on a strictly fish diet, but this is not true at all. Canadians have a diet very similar to Americans and are good at hockey, a sport that involves skating on frozen water. However, baseball is very popular here, too, and as young, rich professional athletes you will enjoy every opportunity you might expect.

There is Internet in Canada and you will find plenty of sexual opportunity here. Rape and sexual assault are considered serious crimes, and although we will have teams of lawyers helping you out, you are not allowed to grope or have sex based on a vibe. You need consent, but rest assured almost all women will willingly want to have sex with you, so this shouldn’t be a problem at all.

This brings us to another point. Many men will also want to have sex with you. Toronto is a very large (5 million people) city with a lot of cultural and ethnic diversity, and some of this diversity includes gay people. Gay people like to have sex with members of their own gender. But remember, what is true for a woman is also true for a man, (Canada is a land of equality!) so a gay man cannot rape or molest you unless they have your explicit permission to do so. As repulsive as this may be to you, it is important that you do not go out of your way to insult the gay community in Toronto, so beating them up or making slanderous comments comparing opponents to fags is strongly discouraged.

Unfortunately Pit Bulls are banned and you will not be able to bring any of your warrior-pets into the country. In general, dog fighting is frowned upon in Canada and people treat dogs almost as if they were small children instead of extensions of an individual’s masculinity. You are welcome to bring in other, deadly breeds, though, just not the Pit Bull.

Many Americans consider Medicare to be an attack on their civil liberties. Canada does have a free health care system for all of its citizens, but you are under no obligation to use it. Buffalo is very close to Canada, and you are welcome to go there and pay for all of your medical needs and abortions.

Real Estate is expensive in Toronto, but as you are wealthy this should not pose a significant problem.  Many players like to simply rent a luxury suite at the Rogers Centre where we play baseball, and keep a home with their wife and children in another country. This is an excellent strategy for maintaining strict separation between mistresses and families. Veterans on your team will guide you on this matter.

List of Toronto Strip Clubs:

The Brass Rail

701 Yonge Street.

This is a very well known strip club and although you can expect special service, you will very likely be recognized.

The Landing Strip

191 Carlingview Drive

Out near the airport, this one has a little bit of edge. The women are generally less attractive but they are inexpensive.

Club Paradise

1313 Bloor W.

Very popular with people of colour.

The Lounge

1820 Dundas Street East

This features male and shemale strippers. Do not make a rookie mistake!

Contrary to popular mythology, Bigfoot sightings are still very rare in Canada.

Welcome to the Blue Jay family!

This is a collection of her Tweets from the last week:

Hate is not the first enemy of love. Fear is. It destroys your ability to trust.

If you want to feel good, you have to go out and do some good.

Whatever has happened to you in your past has no power over this present moment, because life is now.

Just saw Skyfall and I’d really like to get slippery with Daniel Craig. Really, really slippery.

What you really want is to be surrounded by people you trust & treasure & by people who cherish you. That’s when you’re really rich.

Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads & empty hearts can do that. -Norman Peale

Sick of all the Jews in Hollywood.

I don’t hate them, I’m not anti-Semitic, just really, really sick of them right now.

Happiness will come to you when it comes from you. Success will be yours when you choose to take responsibility for making it so.

Books were my pass to personal freedom. I learned to read at age three, & soon discovered there was a whole world to conquer.

Got to call somebody about the birds. Their constant cawing from the backyard is driving me CRAZY!!!!!

Hate birds.

Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen. -Michael Jordan

Very high right now.

Great spirits have always faced violent opposition from mediocre minds. -Einstein

Successful people know the difference between patience & procrastination.

Bitch-faced birds now on my very last nerve.

I haven’t loved Stedman in a very long time and have had a steady stream of lovers.

Would definitely fuck Obama if I had the chance. Michelle, too.

Every time U suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play U small, U are ignoring the owner’s manual your creator gave u.

Missing the NHL.

I believe that every single event in life happens is an opportunity to choose love over fear.

Fucked Sylvester Stallone once. VERY disappointing.

I was once afraid of people saying “who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand & say, “THIS IS WHO I AM.”

I really, really hate my life and I think several of my maids are stealing from me.

I’m going to go kill me some birds.

He was just thinking of the kids.

At any rate, as many of you know, Rob Ford and I went to Carleton University at the same time and were last call drinking buddies. Although we’ve never had a sober conversation, we developed a strange but resilient friendship, one that sees us communicate to this day. Whenever one of us is drinking alone, we often go on-line to chat with one another, a sort of nostalgic slur back to the good old days.

Around 2:30 Monday morning, I got this message from Rob:

Rob: Hey fag!

Me: Slobber!

Rob: Just. Fucking. Love. Sunday.

Me: It’s a holy day.

Rob: This grizzly worships at the church of FOOTBALL!!! PARTYYYY!!!

Me: What’s your fav football movie?  I think I like Against All Odds–Rachel Ward was hot!

Rob: She woulda made an awesome stripper.  But I think it’s All The Right Moves that does it for me. Cruise has always been my man, and you get to see the mother from Back to the Future naked. Boner city!! Movie hit me right where it counts.

Me: Your bio should be called Rob Ford: All The Right Moves. And you should be in football gear on the cover with a couple of cheerleaders flanking you!

Rob: I should fucken’ hire you, Murray.

Me: Wanna do a shot?

Rob: Just did one!

Me: Me too!

Rob: High-five!!

Me: You following the US election?

Rob: I live in Romney City, little buddy, Romney City.

Me: You like the small government, eh?

Rob: Yeah, it’s not that I’m a racist. Blacks are fucking awesome at football and lots of the chicks are super hot, like that chick in Sin City, Roxanna Dawson. I would vote for her ass in a second!!!!!

Me: You’ve always had a soft spot for the ladies.

Rob: You mean hard spot! LOLOLOLLOO!!

Rob: You remember that waitress with the Montreal Canadiens tattoo on her neck?

Me: You mean stripper.

Rob: Yeah, she was black. I used to tip her real good.

Me: You’ve always been a class act slobber, just like you were with that football team you coach.

Rob: Couldn’t let ‘em wait after the game they put in, wouldn’t been right. The Mayor’s office gotta mean something, right?

Me: Yeah, you know, my wife wishes there were more chipmunks in Toronto, can you do anything about that?

Rob: Talk to a few people. Maybe deport some raccoons, bring in chipmunks. Make a chipmunk theme park, attract tourists– maybe make some chipmunk snack. Good idea, fagman, gonna get some people on it! Gonna grab another brew, c u soon!

At any rate, at this reading I brought a guest book and asked all of the attendees to please leave a comment critiquing my work so that I might work on improving  my performance.

These are the comments that were left:

1.You are easily the bravest person that I have ever met.

2.Funny??

3. I used to be very nervous speaking in public, too. When my friend Sandra was getting married and asked me to be Maid of Honour I was terrified. Honestly, I could not imagine standing up in front of all those people and speaking, so I really know how you must have been feeling! My heart went out to you, and that heckler, even though he did get off some good ones, was way out of line. So what if you look better in ladies jeans? It doesn’t mean you’re not a man! Anyway, what worked for me and might work for you is signing up with Toastmasters, it’s like a crash course in confidence! Anyhow, better luck next time!

4. Really appreciated the open bar, but why only from 8:00 to 8:30?

5. Your teeth are very distracting. I couldn’t stop looking at them and didn’t hear a word you said. You should really look into getting veneers.

6. Wasn’t expecting the Karaoke, never heard such a plaintive version of Working 9 to 5, so thanks for that, sort of. I thought you were pretty funny. I’m not sure exactly what it is you’re aiming for, but it’s a very disquieting stage presence you have. Interesting.

7. Jesus, Mike. Didn’t you learn your lesson at Mark and Julia’s wedding?

8. I couldn’t hear you. You have a thin and raspy voice and I think you might have asthma. You need to stand up straighter if you want to speak into the microphone.

9. Oh, Michael.

10. First of all, your fly was undone and you had what looked like (I hope) toothpaste stains on both your sweater and shoe. I know that people who get stage fright are told to imagine the audience in their underwear, but you went creepy overboard! I actually saw you licking your lips at one point when a college student bent down to pick-up some change she’d dropped. Gross!! Also, your feelings about the Olympics and 9/11 Conspiracy theories were not welcome– you were like the sleazy, drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.

These are some excerpts from his journal:

It’s just like the Hunger Games. I’m in the woods with a bow and arrow and rock and it’s either kill or be killed. A bureaucrat shows up and asks me a bunch of questions about expenditures and I’m going to shoot her but my bow and arrow thing doesn’t work, so I start to hit her in the face with my big rock. When I wake up I feel completely awesome, like I had just recovered a fumble.

I’m in Chicago on my trade mission vacation and I’m standing in front of that bean cloud sculpture thing in the midst of a big media scrum. Tough questions, man. And then I see my reflection in the bean cloud thing. It’s like it’s me but it’s not me, and I can see that Bean Cloud Rob is trying to say something to me and that it’s important, like the winning play for my football team or the answer to one of the questions I’m getting asked, but something is preventing the message from getting across. It was creepy, like Bean Cloud Rob was a ghost, and so I got mad and started to push and shake the Bean Cloud, but nothing happened. Woke up fucking furious.

In my dream the NHL season is about to be lost.  Everybody is sad and angry. I drive up in my Escalade and get out and stride into the boardroom where the reps for the owners and players are meeting. “Guys, it’s like this: 50% for the owners, 50% for the players and 100% for the fans! You got it, damn it, or do I have to tell you again?!” And everybody is completely thrilled with my plan and the Boyz n the Bright White Sports Car by Trooper starts to blast and we party like it’s 1999! And then a chick peels off her top and it’s even more awesome.

This one is friggin’ weird, but I’m a peanut that’s trapped in its shell. I’m at a ballgame and I know I don’t have long. I can hear some guy reaching into a bag and grabbing a handful of nuts, breaking the shells open and then chomping down on ‘em. It’s like goddamn thunder, it’s like I can hear ‘em screming! I know I have to escape but I don’t know how. I’m banging my peanut fists against the shell and hollering, but nothing’s happening and then I wake up really frustrated and mad.