Here are some excerpts from his book:
“ Young Luke was a very popular and utterly super boy who all the other kids in primary school looked up to. He had star qualities, was big for his age, and if you weren’t cool and sang in Choir! Choir! Choir! or did something else gay, Luke would let you know with his fists and sharp, insulting words. Luke was a force of nature, as powerful as a great Serbian earthquake and seen by many as the policeman of the schoolyard. “
“Young Luke broke his glasses with one mighty blow and the Oriental child fell to the ground weeping. “That will teach you to count in Chinese!” Luke bellowed, and his voice was like thunder caught on the wind. He kicked him one final time in the back. As Luke stood there with his fists held aloft in victory, all the other weak children applauded and trembled. It was at this moment, normally the best part of his day, that Luke noticed Vice Principle Lewis watching him.”
“The office Vice Principle Lewis worked in smelt like an old car that a poor person might drive. “Listen Luke, “ the decrepit Lewis began, “ you are an absolutely great kid and a terrific hockey player. You’re going to make the NHL one day and nothing is going to stop you. Make no mistake, we will have parades in your honour and you will have babies with many beautiful women, but I have to tell you that I have been getting some complaints from whiny parents about your dominance over the other children. It’s causing me some headaches. Do you think you could conquer the children and teach them lessons off of school property? Remember, it’s not cool to bully in school.” Luke appreciated the respect that the old man showed him.”
“It wasn’t that long ago that Luke had lost his virginity (to a developed girl in grade eight) and having just played Grand Theft Auto for three hours, Luke was feeling pretty good about himself. It was at this point, while on his way to school, that he saw a little boy who walked funny take his juice box out of his knapsack. People who walked funny always made Luke feel weird, so he grabbed him and began yelling, calling him “A little crip!” Just as Luke was about to punch him, he remembered what Vice Principle Lewis had said to him, “It’s not cool to bully in school.” As Luke lived by the code, he dragged the little, crippled boy off of school property and began to beat him up in an area that became know as the Thunderdome, a place where Luke was to become famous for keeping the schoolyard hierarchies in order.”
After this, as a means of contrast, Rachelle and I watched Commander Hadfield’s return to Earth. For those of you who are not Canadian, Commander Chris Hadfield is a Canadian Astronaut who has spent the last 5 months on the International Space Station. It was here, through his use of Twitter– where he accumulated nearly one million followers—that he became something of a folk hero.
Avuncular, proportional and competent, Hadfield seems like a really, really nice guy. A Canadian guy. His moustache is friendly, like the sexually non-threatening moustache of a well-liked high school teacher, and his manner is sincere, thoughtful and fun, but still, you know this guy is operating at a very high level. You want him as your next-door neighbour. He would know what to do when the power went out and you thought you heard something funny in the basement.
Attached to a parachute, the Soyuz space capsule drifted down from space into a field in Kazakhstan like a child’s toy. A bunch of unofficial looking Russians then went over, as if farmers inspecting something that had fallen from the past rather than the future, and pulled the astronauts from the capsule. This was done without the least trace of urgency, like something they were practicing for in their street clothes rather than the main event.
The first out was the Russian and he looked hale, hearty and ready to start tossing a Kettlebell around. The next to follow, the American and Hadfield, looked small, pale and a little worse for the wear, like space travel extracted a physical toll.
They were all put on what looked like unmatched lawn chairs and gave the cameras the thumbs-up. Our CBC commentators were giddy, gushing about how robust and great Hadfield looked. It was surreal, like watching some weird variation of a Soviet propaganda film.
Regardless, what Hadfield did on his mission was utterly wonderful. From his photographs, videos and tweets, he shared with the public a suggestion of what might be considered the divine. The world is stunning in its beauty, and by extension we, all just brief, tiny organic outcroppings of the same living entity, are beautiful, too.
There are many who think that the International Space Station is a huge waste of money, one that doesn’t provide sufficient scientific benefit, but Hadfield, (his Space Oddity video was the most watched on YouTube Monday) showed us that data is perhaps secondary to the opportunity to see ourselves through eyes never imagined.
Ondrej Pavlec
Goaltender, Winnipeg Jets
Ondrej:
Lay off the fucking booze and hookers!
Or at least wait until the off-season.
Christ, you couldn’t stop one of those giant Earth Ball things all year, and it was clear that you played every game over-sexed and hung-over. You might be able to get away with that sort of shit in Mother Russia, but not here. Got it, Ivan?
And stop hanging out with Mickey Rourke, he’s a bad influence.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Adam Henrique
Center, New Jersey Devils
Adam:
It’s hard for me to imagine what a disappointment to your family you must be. You had 5 assists all season. I could get 5 assists in just one period, and I wear glasses. You’re a disgrace. You don’t belong on a Fantasy Team, you belong on a Nightmare Team.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Zack Kassian
Right Wing, Vancouver Canucks
Zack:
You are such a douche.
You’ll probably whine, moaning that you’re still only 22, but your built like a fucking Bigfoot and if you don’t have the talent to play with real men, then you have to use your size and primitive, douche instincts to their greatest advantage! You have to intimidate and beat-up your opponents!! It’s called “making space” for your teammates. Stop being such a pussy. You don’t deserve the nickname “The Kassassian,” you deserve the nickname “The Kack Factor.”
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Ilya Kovalchuk
Left wing, New Jersey Devils
Ilya:
That was the worst season of your career.
Thanks a lot.
I hate you.
You are not welcome in the city of Toronto.
Your last name sounds like the noise I make while looking at your final numbers and throwing-up.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Eric Cole
Left wing, Dallas Stars
Eric:
Why didn’t you retire?
Your performance was worse than useless all season long.
You’re ugly and I hope your post-career car dealership goes bankrupt.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
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@TOPDOGMAYOR: Wow.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Fucking wow.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Don’t think that guy will be finishing the race. What a shame. : (
@TOPDOGMAYOR: It breaks your heart when an athlete is injured like that.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Toronto salutes Boston, city of Bravery, Brawn, Brains and Beans and Lettuce.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: We are all Boston Beans today.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Fucking hate terrorists.
@TOPDOGMAOR: White or brown terrorists? Send in your votes!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Should decide this once and for all on the football grid, like men!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Who is your favourite football player? Free parking spot to person who submits best answer.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Authorities saying bomb was made from Crock Pot full of nails and BBs.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Like my Crock Pots to be full of chili. LOL.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Can’t believe they canceled Bruins-Pens game. Must be very serious situation.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Toronto, you are safe, I am at the helm.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Probably won’t go to Florida this week, but if I do, contact: councillor_dford@toronto.ca in case of emerg.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: So many heroes. Like that guy in the cowboy hat.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Free lifetime parking spot in Toronto for guy in cowboy hat!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: He is a cowboy, on a steel horse he rides! Guns N’ Roses, man, Guns N’ Roses.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Suspects in bombing ID’d!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Wouldn’t want to be wearing white ball cap in Beantown today!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Hope Ben Afflect makes movie about this. Argo ruled!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Now donning Red Sox baseball cap in honour of victims. Suggest you do the same.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Send poison in the mail to this Mayor, expect a world of trouble.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Elvis impersonator terrorists, I am watching you.
@TOPDODMAYOR: Some cop killed in wild shootout at Harvard!!!
@ TOPDOGMAYOR: Evil doers carjack classy Mercedes and knock-off 7-11!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: It’s like a Tarrantino flick. Completely fucking awesome.
@TOPDOFMAYOR: Heart goes out to family of fallen hero.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Hope guy with cowboy hat gets involved and kicks ass!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Really like to see Uma Thurman character involved, too.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Not a movie, but feels like movie.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: HUGE FUCKING SHOOT-OUT IN BEAN TOWN!!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: One Borat guy now dead, looking for other!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: All of Boston shut down! Fucking love Boston!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Love to be mayor of Boston. Got big, brass balls!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Dead guy was athlete. Shame when athlete dies young, even if terrorist athlete.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: @Dougford Can’t delete last Tweet. WTF???
@TOPDOGMAYOR: MAYOR FORD DOES NOT CONDONE TERRORISM IN ANY FORM, EVEN BY ATHLETES.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Other Borat now hiding in boat. On land. What a moron!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Interesting. Boston seems to be doing fine without mass transit. Must be saving a shitload.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: No vowels in the Borat names. Weird. How do you say them??
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Little Borat captured!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Great day for Boston, great day for freedom!!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Bet they riot in streets in celebration! Love to be there!! Go Boston!!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: USA!!USA!!!USA!!!
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