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Me: Hi! I really want to thank you for taking the time to talk with us, and add what a personal honour it is for me to be speaking to a woman with with such a dizzying literary capacity. You are truly one of the greatest writers in the entire world.

Atwood: That’s very sweet of you, thank you.

Me: I think an awful lot of people would be surprised to learn that you played Fantasy Baseball.

Can you tell us here at The Knuckler how you got into it?

Atwood: As people may or may not know, I’ve always been very interested in speculative fiction, and when I heard about Fantasy Baseball, I thought it was in the same vein. You know, like Fantasy Literature, so I looked in to it. Alas, it was not, but I became fascinated by it and all the marginalized, impotent men that play it so obsessively. It’s role playing, really, where all these limited, in many cases arrested men, bond together and pretend that they’re something much more powerful than they are in the ordinary dirt of their relentlessly disappointing lives.

It’s like a religion for them, I think, a little treehouse they can retreat to and act as supreme ruler of a secular male kingdom. I have always thought that without Fantasy Baseball there would probably be an awful lot more mass shootings. Anyway, I got involved in order to research a character for one of my books and have been playing ever since.

Me: Oh.

Atwood: And I have to say, I’ve done very, very well.

Me: Good for you.

Atwood: I’m sorry, are you being sarcastic?

Me: Oh no, a marginalized, impotent shooter-type such as myself wouldn’t have a clue how to do that!

Atwood: I see.

Me: I guess you’ve just been a very lucky player!

Atwood: Lucky?

Me: Plucky. A very plucky player.

Atwood: Really?

Me: Well, let’s not get side-tracked with semantics here. So, I’m sure all of The Knuckler’s readers would love to hear what your Fantasy Baseball team is called!

Atwood: The Blind Assassins.

Me: Oh.

Atwood: Mister Murray, I have to say, you sound disappointed.

Me: Well, coming from a “literary genius” you’d expect something a little more imaginative and eloquent. It seems lazy and nakedly self-promotional to name your team after one of your own books, especially if it wasn’t good enough to be an Oprah Pick or made into a movie.

Atwood: What is your team called?

Me: Mike’s Mashers.

Atwood: That’s very clever. How are they doing this year?

Me: They’ve been savaged by injuries I’m afraid, so it looks like I’ll be rebuilding again.

Atwood: Again, eh? So, how long have you been playing Fantasy Baseball?

Me: I don’t know, 25 years?

Atwood: Have you ever won?

Me: Ha, ha, ha! Have I ever won? What a funny question! Let me tell you, I’ve more than held my own.

Atwood: But have you ever won? Have you ever finished in first place? Have you tasted the sort of victory that for a moment erases all those memories of being the last pick, of being mocked for throwing like a girl, of all those many, many times of being over-looked by the more talented and beautiful?

Have you ever had your revenge, Mister Murray?

Unfortunately, I suffered an asthma attack at this point during the interview and we had to suspend our chat.

My hatred of him was immediate, visceral and enduring, and over the years I have taken time out of my busy, important life to write him a note each year on his birthday. This is a small sample of some of the letters I have written him:

July 3, 1986

Dear Maverick:

Your call sign in Top Gun should have been Muffin.

You’re a loser and flash in the pan and it’s obvious you don’t have a clue how to play beach volleyball.

Your smile makes me want to punch you with a rake.

Happy 24^th, moron.

Michael Murray

PS: Please send an autographed photograph.

July 3, 1992

Dear Tom:

I want to congratulate you on your Irish accent in Far and Away.

You’ve really been acting the shit out of things lately, especially when you made us all understand what it must feel like to be Tom Cruise in a wheelchair in Born on the Fourth of July. That was some heavy shit, really brave, and you deserve a milk carton full of Oscars for that role.

Happy 30^th, loser, it’s all downhill from here.

Michael Murray

PS: I have named my band Cole Trickle after your character in Days of Thunder. Inspired by your acting, we formed as a group even though none of us can play any instruments.

July 3, 2000

Tom:

What the fuck was up with your package in Magnolia???

I mean, please! Are you really that vain that you have to make it look like you have a giant cock? Really?? And did you even know what Eyes Wide Shut was about? Truly, you are the worst actor ever.

Happy birthday.

Michael Murray

July 3, 2005

Dear crazy Scientology person:

Joey will never love you.

You will never have her.

You may jump on sofas all you want, but you will never win her heart. You are a robot, a robot made of money and teeth, and although she has likely signed a contract, that contract will end and she will leave you. Mark my words, Cruise, mark my words.

You’re 43 now, and although you don’t know it, things are beginning to slip away.

Happy birthday.

Michael Murray

PS: I am taking the bus to America to buy a crossbow on the weekend.

July 3, 2014

Tom:

I’m on medication now and am doing well. I understand boundaries. I am sorry about the genetic material I sent to you on your 50^th birthday. It was inappropriate of me, to say the least, and trying to get you to introduce me to your ex-wife, the Katie Holmes version of your ex-wife, was insensitive. I just want to thank you for our friendship over the years, wish you the best as you move through your 50’s and let you know that I am really just fantastically excited for Top Gun II.

Happy birthday, old friend!

Michael Murray

This is a collection of her Tweets from the last week:

Hate is not the first enemy of love. Fear is. It destroys your ability to trust.

If you want to feel good, you have to go out and do some good.

Whatever has happened to you in your past has no power over this present moment, because life is now.

Just saw Skyfall and I’d really like to get slippery with Daniel Craig. Really, really slippery.

What you really want is to be surrounded by people you trust & treasure & by people who cherish you. That’s when you’re really rich.

Empty pockets never held anyone back. Only empty heads & empty hearts can do that. -Norman Peale

Sick of all the Jews in Hollywood.

I don’t hate them, I’m not anti-Semitic, just really, really sick of them right now.

Happiness will come to you when it comes from you. Success will be yours when you choose to take responsibility for making it so.

Books were my pass to personal freedom. I learned to read at age three, & soon discovered there was a whole world to conquer.

Got to call somebody about the birds. Their constant cawing from the backyard is driving me CRAZY!!!!!

Hate birds.

Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen. -Michael Jordan

Very high right now.

Great spirits have always faced violent opposition from mediocre minds. -Einstein

Successful people know the difference between patience & procrastination.

Bitch-faced birds now on my very last nerve.

I haven’t loved Stedman in a very long time and have had a steady stream of lovers.

Would definitely fuck Obama if I had the chance. Michelle, too.

Every time U suppress some part of yourself or allow others to play U small, U are ignoring the owner’s manual your creator gave u.

Missing the NHL.

I believe that every single event in life happens is an opportunity to choose love over fear.

Fucked Sylvester Stallone once. VERY disappointing.

I was once afraid of people saying “who does she think she is?” Now I have the courage to stand & say, “THIS IS WHO I AM.”

I really, really hate my life and I think several of my maids are stealing from me.

I’m going to go kill me some birds.