Rachelle, my wife, had to work and was unable to make it. These are the text messages that she sent me over the course of the evening:
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Rachelle: Pickle, tell me, how’s dinner going?
Rachelle: Really? You’re giving it a C minus, maybe a D?
Rachelle: That’s strange.
Rachelle: Really? You’ve lost a lot of respect for the family?
Rachelle: Did they call you out for bringing half a bottle of wine again?
Rachelle: You have to stop doing that. It’s embarrassing!
Rachelle: It is.
Rachelle: No, I’m not embarrassing, you’re embarrassing.
Rachelle: Oh, I think I know what happened.
Rachelle: What did you wear out?
Rachelle: You wore your black turtleneck and that jacket, didn’t you?
Rachelle: I know you think it makes you look like Carl Sagan.
Rachelle: I know.
Rachelle: But I still don’t understand why you think that’s a good thing.
Rachelle: Look, I don’t hate the cosmos.
Rachelle: Or space exploration.
Rachelle: Just bad clothes.
Rachelle: Now come on, just tell me what happened.
Rachelle: Oh, sweet Jesus that’s hilarious!!
Rachelle: So, just before everybody was about to start dinner, Marston said, “Edgy Pastor, would you please lead us in grace?”
Rachelle: I love that girl.
Rachelle: No, she’s not full of herself.
Rachelle: She’s so clever, and she’s right, when you wear that outfit you do look like an edgy Pastor.
Rachelle: Yes, you do.
Rachelle: Yes, like some white dad who’s going to rap Genesis or something.
Rachelle: Oh honey, I would never get in the way of your relationship with God!!
Rachelle: There’s more?
Rachelle: Hannah said, “It looks like a jacket you mother might have bought you.”
Rachelle: It’s like that girl is my daughter.
Rachelle: And then she added, “At a store called For Your Son.”
Rachelle: “For Your Adult Son.”
Rachelle: Oh Lord!!! Tears are streaming out of my eyes I am laughing so hard!
Rachelle: And then Marston said, “And she paid for it with a coupon she clipped from a newspaper?”
Rachelle: Oh Pickle, you really are defenceless in the face of those girls!
Rachelle: So what did you do?
Rachelle: Oh.
Rachelle: Do you think that was a good idea?
Rachelle: Well, it’s just if you’re always pretending to have an asthma attack, people might not be very responsive when you actually do, that’s all.
Rachelle: See? I told you!
Rachelle: That is just too funny, I love that they all held hands and prayed for the edgy Pastor during your fake asthma attack!
Rachelle: Did you end up saying grace?
Rachelle: Well, I think you should have embraced the persona and rapped it!
Rachelle: Yes, your life is nothing but a series of missed opportunities.
Rachelle: Oh, I’ve got to go, work calls!
Rachelle: Well, my edgy, little Pastor, I’ll see you in two hours, may you walk with the Lord!
]]>M: I’m going to assemble our barbeque.
M: Yes, I am.
M: Yes, I’m serious.
M: No, Chris isn’t here. I’m on my own.
M: Really.
M: Just me.
M: Don’t be condescending.
M: All the pieces are spread out before me in the backyard.
M: No, I can’t put them back in the box.
M: Because I threw out the box.
M: And the instructions.
M: I don’t need them. It all looks pretty obvious.
M: I can intuit these things.
M: Yes, like I can intuit the presence of a ghost or when a waitress has a crush on me.
M: You’re very funny.
M: Do we have a screwdriver somewhere?
M: I don’t know what type of screwdriver, one that works, I guess.
M: Really? Screwdrivers have names?
M: Phillip is a funny name for a screwdriver.
M: Are you making that up?
M: Whatever.
M: I found it.
M: Geez, there are a lot of little pieces here.
M: And they all look kind of alike.
M: No.
M: No, I am not going to turn on the webcam.
M: You’ll just have everybody at work watching! I know you!
M: Remember how the pastor said you had to believe in me?
M: Well, he said something like that anyway.
M: Just believe in me, dammit!
M: Oh, hell.
M: Do we have any Band-Aids?
M: Very minor accident.
M: Wasn’t expecting the dog to jump up on me while I was attaching the black thing to the silver thing.
M: Really muscling it, you know, and then Heidi started to lick my face.
M: It all just kind of sprung back into me.
M: Knocked my glasses off.
M: Might have lost part of a filing, too.
M: No.
M: No, I’m not positive, it could have been an old piece of a peppercorn.
M: Actually, I think I would do well on Survivor Island.
M: Probably finish in the top three.
M: Fuck!
M: A squirrel just took off with a small black thing.
M: He’s sitting on the fence with it. Mocking me.
M: Mocking squirrel fled in the face of barking dog.
M: Small black thing now gone.
M: Feeling flushed. Hate global warming.
M: Going to lie down and turn on AC for a bit.
M: Yes, even if AC does contribute to global warming.
M: Return to project later.
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