Me: (Examining the flyer he handed me while our dog Heidi was jumping about barking hysterically) Mister Adam Vaughan, let me quote here, it says, “I understand the transformative effect that good public transit can have on a community.”

Adam Vaughan: Yes, I think good transit is essential to relieve congestion, ease pollution and allow people of all income levels to have access to all the wonderful things our city has to offer.

Me: You know, I once saw a man expose his penis on the Queen streetcar.

(Awkward silence but for Heidi’s barking)

Me: It was there for people of all income levels to experience. Would you say that penis was one of the wonderful things our city has to offer? That it had the power to transform?

Adam Vaughan: I’d say that was an unfortunate incident that’s another example of the TTC being underfunded and the mentally ill underserved.

Me: One woman screamed and threw her knitting at him. It was a good strategy actually, as he hurried out through the back doors after that.

Adam Vaughan: Well, I’m running to become your Member of Parliament and I’m hoping I can rely on your support.

Me: I guess my endorsement would mean quite a bit for your campaign. I’m sure you want to get as many well-known writers as possible on board. Just makes sense, that.

Adam Vaughan: Yes, of course.

Me: I have a few more questions for you, do you mind?

Adam Vaughan: That’s why I’m here. Please, feel free!

Me: Well, the truth is that I know absolutely nothing about you other than what I just scanned on this flyer, so let’s start with some basics: If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?

Adam Vaughan: Oh, geez, that’s a tough one.

Me: You can’t say “ a great fiscal policy for Toronto” or something lame like that.

Adam Vaughan: Spiderman. I’d love to be able to swing through the city.

Me: You can’t say Spiderman. He’s fictional. And that’s not much of an endorsement for our public transit, you know.

Adam Vaughan: Okay then, perhaps a cat. A cat that’s smart enough to take public transit.

Me: Good choice.

Adam Vaughan: Thanks.

Me: What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Adam Vaughan: Probably piety, it’s a kind of arrogance. This sounds like the Vanity Fair questionnaire, is it?

Me: Yes, the bits of it I can remember, anyway. Personally, I think confidence is horribly overrated.

Adam Vaughan: I see. Are you on disability?

Me: No.

Adam Vaughan: Well, thank you for your time, and please remember to vote on Election Day!