As many of you will have heard, I have started a daily Podcast with Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund.
This is an excerpt from our most recent episode:
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Me: Well, that was awfully nice of Ontario Premier Doug Ford to come in for an interview and show us his old shot put from high school!
Heidi: Heidi no get shot put.
Me: What don’t you get?
Heidi: It just metal ball you can’t chase! Why have ball if not chase? Like big circle rock, and if circle-ball-rock not used to crush cat or squirrel or dumb bird, what the point?
Me: Well, as Premier Ford explained, it is a display of both mental and physical mastery.
Heidi: Heidi don’t think so. Heidi call bullshit.
Me: You ALWAYS call bullshit.
Heidi: Heidi calls them as she sees him. Why she respected journalist.
Me: You are a good journalist, it’s true.
Heidi: Heidi know. You could learn thing or two from Heidi.
Me: Like how to eat really, really, disgustingly quickly and spill my kibble all over the place?
Heidi: Grrrr. Grrrr.
Me: Well, it’s a shame that we never got to find out if Premier Ford would have won the gold medal for shot put at the Olympics. He’s right, the boycott back in 1980 really did just punish the athletes.
Heidi: Can’t give communism a foothold anywhere! But still, Heidi think something fishy about story.
Me: What do you mean?
Heidi: Well, if he and famous Ford Pack big part of Illuminati as he say, then they control Olympics. They do what they want!
Sex parties and gold medals and meat fat all the time!!
Me: But if they were part of the Illuminati, that would explain the family’s mysterious rise to power! I mean, his brother, a crack addict, was mayor of the city! How could something like that happen if not for the power of the Illuminati?
Heidi: Heidi know thing or two about Illuminati, and all Heidi say is Ford Pack not Illuminati material.
Me: Am I Illuminati material?
Heidi: Heidi not sure. Heidi very, very hungry. Maybe if she had treat would help her think.
Me: Would a liver treat do?
Heidi: Not ones from Dollar Store, liver treats from Italy.
Me: I said liver treat. Not treats. Singular. Not plural.
Heidi: Give Heidi treat.
Me: Okay.
Heidi: Not Illuminati material. Not even close. Bug Illuminati at best. Maybe dirt Illuminati.
Me: Let’s just move on, shall we? I have to say, I really thought Premier Ford dodged the question I asked him about the #MeToo movement! What did he say? “Shot putters never have to worry about the ladies?” What do you think that means?
Heidi: Heidi don’t care. He use Ralph Lauren Chaps cologne to try to hide smell of lies and anger, but smell too strong.
Can never escape his own stink. He all lies and anger.
Me: So when he said he would rather take barbarism over socialism, you believed him?
Heidi: Two-leggers all so naive. Barbarism only system that works.
]]>Third and Long:
This body spray and cologne would be attached to dynamic Toronto politician Rob Ford. The body spray would be dispensed through a Rob Ford bobble-head and the more expensive cologne would be sold in a bottle shaped like a football. The TV ad campaign would feature a variety of improvised, black and white spots of Rob Ford free-associating, set against a stark, simple background.
Third and Long: It’s all gravy when you’re a man.
Penance:
Endorsed by actor Sean Penn, this cologne would be propelled by an ad campaign featuring the Academy Award winner posing shirtless. Also, I think he should have a small moustache. Penn would be holding some rosary beads draped over his back while casting a look of complex defiance at the camera.
Penance: When an apology isn’t going to happen.
Blog:
This is a scent that will be targeting conspiracy theorists. The ad campaign will be bombastic and concussive, pummeling the audience with image after image of conspiracy tropes—JFK getting shot in the head, the Twin Towers coming down, the Knights Templar—and then dissolve into a moderately attractive young man typing away at his computer. He’s purposeful, confident. When he finishes what he’s writing a knock comes at the door, he sprays some Blog on his pulse points and then exits through his window and down his fire escape.*1
Blog: Can you afford not to?
Pioneer:
This unisex fragrance will be tailored to appeal to the hipster demographic. All ingredients in it should sound completely organic and ethically sourced, and ideally it would smell kind of like a combination of kimchi and hay. The ad campaign will feature various hipsters– men in beards and overalls, women wearing sweaters with owls on them—posing happily with their cool looking bikes while cool sounding music plays.
Pioneer: Be the first to smell like the past.
La Beouf:
Actor Shia LeBeouf will be the spokesperson for this scent and it will have a meaty aroma.
La Beouf: When you’re not afraid to be wrong.
*1 Later we will roll out a body spray and soap-on-a-rope for men called Occupy.
]]>Based on the old New York Times Photo series, What They Were Thinking, I came up with an idea to post the unflattering picture of Ford before it made a splash, and have the Mayor, in his own words, tell the public exactly what he was thinking the moment the photograph was snapped. This way, we would be ahead of the envelope and we could see the inner, vulnerable Mayor.
This photograph, taken late Thursday night at a CJPAC event, shows the Mayor kindly posing for a photograph with a fan.
What The Mayor Was Thinking:
“Well, it was International Woman’s Day, so I was thinking about all the amazing contributions women have made to the world. If it weren’t for women, I don’t think that there would be any cookies, babies, or lingerie football, and I bet Cute Overload would have tanked. There’s tons of other stuff, too, and I was thinking about that, also. I mean, women have written books and starred in movies, there have even been lady Mayors! It’s amazing, when you think about it, and I was considering all of it, the sorts of make-out music they like and how they’re scared of spiders. I was really feeling the lady vibe right then. Like, the way that they smell, the way they feel, and the way that their voices are higher and softer than your own—it’s just so cool. You know, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Aniston, The Kardashians, Jennifer Lawrence, Pamela Anderson, hell, even Lindsay Lohan, and Scarlett Johansson, yeah, her big time…The list just goes on and on. Women are fucking awesome, and I really like it when they’re around, especially when I’m feeling a little lonely, and believe me, even a big, cool Mayor like me gets lonely from time to time.”
*Late on Thursday night while at a CJPAC event, Sarah Thomson, a former candidate for Mayor, posted the photograph of Rob and her at the function, stating that he said she should have been in Florida with him last week because his wife wasn’t there and then grabbed her ass.
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