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Rachelle: Pickle, I’m afraid we’re going to have to make some sacrifices in order to afford some help looking after Jones.
Rachelle: Well, I’ll be going back to work in the fall, and unless you think you can look after Jones on your own, we’re going to need somebody to help.
Rachelle: No.
Rachelle: No, I’m positive.
Rachelle: I can’t take Jones in to work with me.
Rachelle: For a million fucking reasons, okay?
Rachelle: Look, I’ve crunched some numbers and you’re going to have to get rid of your subscription to the Baseball Channel
and stop ordering lunch from Uber Eats each day.
Rachelle: Sigh.
Rachelle: I am not “busting your balls.”
Rachelle: Yes, you probably will starve.
Rachelle: It will be tragic, especially after all you’ve gone through, but at least there will be Jones to carry on.
Rachelle: I’ll make sure he knows of his father’s sacrifice, how you stopped watching baseball 8 hours a day and eating restaurant lunches so that you could afford to pay somebody else to look after him.
Rachelle: Look, I’m not harsh, just a truth teller. You knew that when you married me.
Rachelle: I don’t understand.
Rachelle: What’s a “side hustle?”
Rachelle: Oh, so it’s like a job, but it’s usually illegal, and you only do it when you want?
Rachelle: Why yes, that does sound like a perfect solution to our problems! What will your side hustle be?
Rachelle: Ikea Furniture Builder???
Rachelle: So, you would go to homes and personally assemble their furniture??
Rachelle: That is my favourite thing ever.
Rachelle: Yes, it’s even better than naming a ship Boaty McBoat Face.
Rachelle: So, just curious, how would you get to these homes?
Rachelle: Uber, of course.
Rachelle: Imagine, if you had a driver’s license you could actually be an Uber driver!
Rachelle: Yes, if you passed the security screening.
Rachelle: I know you have a “past,” ran with a tough crowd in junior high. It’s that edge I love, Pickle.
Rachelle: But let’s get back to your side hustle. Once you get to your “client,” how would you assemble the furniture?
Rachelle: Yes, I’m sure you would figure it out. Lots of evidence to support that.
Rachelle: You have a very good mind for all things mechanical.
Rachelle: You did a beautiful job on the crib, for instance.
Rachelle: Yes, it was as much a sculpture as anything else. As you say, Living Art.
Rachelle: But look, you could just get a job, a job could be your “side-hustle.”
Rachelle: You could work in a food court or maybe a discount shoe store.
Rachelle: The Bulk Barn, maybe? You might get a deal on nuts, that would be a bonus!
Rachelle: I don’t think Blockbuster exists anymore, dear.
Rachelle: I know those were good times for you at “The Block.”
Rachelle: Everybody came for the Pickle Picks, I know. You were practically a star!
Rachelle: Yes my love, times have changed.
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The attendees, the world’s financial and economic elite, are a small group but one that still manages to account for roughly 50% of the entire wealth on the planet. This is entirely mind-blowing, of course, and the fact that 1,700 private jets transported this precious cargo to their destination nestled in the Swiss Alps, where they were to focus their collective genius on income inequality and climate change is tragically ironic. The organizers of the meeting even went so far as to hire A-List actresses Marion Cotillard, Charlize Theron and Jennifer Lawrence, as well as all-time Major League Baseball hits leader Pete Rose to work the coat-check.
Its no surprise then that the swag given to each person who attended the conference was impressive, to say the least. What follows is a list of the items and services provided in the official Davos Gift Bag for all who attended the 2015 World Economic Forum:
A stylish satchel with shoulder strap that proudly states, “Committed to improving the state of the world.”
A pair of Roots Canada winter mittens.
A 1.5 litre bottle of virgin glacial water, hand-melted by Greenland artisans who chip the ice out of the glacier, transport it home and melt it over a fire using a traditional stentøj.
An albino peacock.
Box seats at the 2016 NHL All-Star game.
A six-month personal services contract with a supermodel.
A permit to hunt the Amur Leopard of the Primorye region of Russia.
A lock of Ronald Regan’s hair.
An Academy Award.
Sarah Palin’s stolen cell phone pics.
A special guest appearance on Game of Thrones.
Embryonic stem cells from Roger Federer’s twins.
Time machine.
Actual torture hood used at Abu Ghraib.
