Public shaming of members of President Trump’s administration has become the latest act of resistance against the government. White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked to leave a restaurant, Environmental Protection Agency Chief Scott Pruitt was lectured and videotaped while dining out, Kellyanne Conway, a consultant to Trump, was mocked in a grocery store, and most recently Stephen Miller, a particularly loathsome advisor to Trump, threw out $80 worth of sushi after the bartender followed him outside of the restaurant and told him to go fuck himself.
Here, in their own words, are other Trump officials relating their stories of being heckled in public:
************************************************************************
Mira Ricardel, Deputy National Security Advisor:
“ I was called a ‘Shit Donkey’ by some tall woman when I went to see Ocean’s 8 at the Cineplex. It completely ruined the movie for me. This is not the America I know.”
Kevin McAleenan, Commissioner of U.S. Customs and Border Protection:
“ I had just finished collecting the quarters from the washer and dryers at one of my rental properties and was walking back to my car when I felt a little sting on the back of my neck. When I turned around I saw that some old man sitting on a stoop had just spit a sunflower shell on my neck. He then fired another, and that one hit me in the leg, and as I reached for my taser he called me “a traitor to my nation and to humanity,” before twitching out.
Wilbur Ross, Secretary of Commerce:
“ The woman working on my feet during my morning sports pedicure was extremely rough, almost violent while exfoliating my heels. And make no mistake, it was intentional. I can tell. And when I admonished her and told her how lucky she was to be living in America, she said something under her breath in a foreign language. I called the manager and had her fired, but it’s getting intolerable, this lack of civility.”
Betsy DeVos, Secretary of Education:
“ I was at the Illuminati sex party in Novgorod and right after the sacrifice, a man wearing a goat’s head refused to have sex with me saying, “Children in cages aren’t my thing, you Trump skank.” I had my mask on so I don’t even know how he knew who I was. Jesus, I don’t even want to think about what they’re saying about me at Martha’s Vineyard!”
Peter O’Rourke, Secretary of Veteran’s Affairs:
“ I was at a Bryan Adams concert with a few of my paintball buddies and while I was out on the floor enjoying the show I saw that they put my picture on the giant screen with the words, EVIL TRUMP FLUNKY across it. Not cool, Bryan, not cool.”
]]>One of the components of this event was that I was signing copies of my bestselling book A Van Full of Girls. In case the book has somehow escaped your attention, here are a few press clippings:
“ I thought it was fine, but it could stand for less swearing. Swearing doesn’t prove what a big man you are.”
—Barb Murray, Canadian mother
“Although I could not invest in Michael’s book project, I was struck by how courageous he was to put his thoughts down like that and then, in spite of the risk of public embarrassment and the terribly long odds of any sort of success, seek publication. So brave. We need more people with Michael’s spirit in Canada.”
—Arlene Dickinson, star of the CBC hit TV show Dragon’s Den
“ It’s just lie after lie after lie.”
—Doug Ford, Canadian businessman and politician
I have to say, and I’m giving you the straight-up truth here, the book really is a fucking game-changer.
You should buy it.
At any rate, while we were selling off our things, Margaret Atwood, who lives in the same area, happened upon us. I conducted a somewhat adversarial interview with her a few months ago for a magazine called The Knuckler, ( http://michaelmurray.ca/atwood-interview ) and as this took place via phone I was unsure if she knew who I was, but when she saw me at my little A Van Full of Girls kiosk, she approached.
Margaret Atwood: I’ve been surveying all your trinkets here, such a contrast amidst the grandeur of the neighbourhood. So sweet, so hopeful.
Me: Thanks.
Margaret Atwood: It’s like an archeological dig. Sifting through the debris you can see the arc of a life, the enthusiasm and ambition that inevitably crumbles into failure, and then finally the recognition of that failure and the selling off of all that had symbolized your hope.
Me: I’ll let you have the Six Million Dollar Man thermos for a buck.
Margaret Atwood: I don’t think so.
Me: Your loss.
Margaret Atwood: You seem to have an awful lot of unfinished self-help books for sale. Why is that?
Me: I don’t know, why is the Handmaiden’s Tale so much more popular as a TV show not written by you, than as a book written by you?
Margaret Atwood: Handmaid’s Tale, it’s Handmaid’s Tale.
Me: Oh. Sorry.
Margaret Atwood: This book, A Van Full of Girls? Are you the author?
Me: Yes. You should buy a copy. Support the arts.
Margaret Atwood: So tell me, how does self-publishing work these days?
Me: My book wasn’t self-published.
Margaret Atwood: Really!? How extraordinary. Typically you don’t seen an established author out on a front lawn selling his book from a knapsack. And look, you have so many copies! You must have at least 40!
Me: You know what? I also have an awful lot of Margaret Atwood books for sale over there, but people just don’t seem interested. One woman picked up a copy of Lady Oracle, showed it to her friend and said, “Barf.”
Margaret Atwood: (Gives withering look)
Me: (Imitates withering look)
Margaret Atwood left shortly after this exchange, but not before telling me that I should keep all the self-help books I was trying to sell, and buying, for reasons we can only imagine, a used The Very Best of Chris de Burgh LP.
In short, the letter to the women celebrated the hard work and dedication it takes to change diapers and think about dinner, while the letter to the men was about shaping the minds of the next generation of leaders.
Although these letters are getting a lot of publicity, MacKay has done this sort of thing before. In 2014, when both the men’s and women’s National ice hockey teams won gold medals at the Sochi Olympics, MacKay wrote them these letters of congratulations:
Letter to the Women’s Team:
It used to be that from a very young age, Canadian girls were taught how to figure skate while the boys learned how to play hockey, the national sport. Well, times have changed, and thanks to equal rights, girls can now play ice hockey just like their big brothers and fathers. Of course, figure skating is very beautiful and artistic, and we still want our cute, young Canadian women to excel in this alluring spectacle, but now we are showing the world that there’s some grit inside that glamour, too!
Regardless of whether they were French or English, Native or Pole, heterosexual or homosexual, the Canadian Women’s ice hockey team came together as one and brought glory to our nation, just as our men have done so many times before them! Ladies, we are proud of you! Even if your game is a maybe a little slower and less interesting to watch than the rugged men’s game, you’ve shown us that not only can you get the job done as nurses, teachers and pet store employees, but you can also get the job done on the ice! You are great hockey players and all of Canada honours you for bringing home the gold!
Keep following your crazy dreams!
Best wishes,
The Hon. Peter MacKay
Minister of Justice
Letter to the Men’s Team:
Gentleman, for the next week I ask you to consider yourselves exempt from all of Canada’s laws! (LOL)
You guys, as always, were completely awesome. You are the best part of being Canadian. You represent our rugged, frontier spirit, our keen intelligence, never-say-die work ethic and our unparalleled talent, talent that stretches up taller than the CN tower! True Canadian warriors, you’re our “Alpha Team,” and you won’t back down from anything, willing to stare all men and countries straight in the eyes and saying, “Is that all you got?”
Words can’t describe how proud we are of you, and how honoured we are to have you as role models! It’s when they put the gold medals around your necks and O, Canada plays, that I feel most Canadian, most like a man, and I want to thank you, as does an entire grateful nation, for that. So boys, have a cold one, or two (wink), you deserve it!
To the victors go the spoils!
Best wishes,
The Hon. Peter MacKay
Minister of Justice
]]>
Me: (Examining the flyer he handed me while our dog Heidi was jumping about barking hysterically) Mister Adam Vaughan, let me quote here, it says, “I understand the transformative effect that good public transit can have on a community.”
Adam Vaughan: Yes, I think good transit is essential to relieve congestion, ease pollution and allow people of all income levels to have access to all the wonderful things our city has to offer.
Me: You know, I once saw a man expose his penis on the Queen streetcar.
(Awkward silence but for Heidi’s barking)
Me: It was there for people of all income levels to experience. Would you say that penis was one of the wonderful things our city has to offer? That it had the power to transform?
Adam Vaughan: I’d say that was an unfortunate incident that’s another example of the TTC being underfunded and the mentally ill underserved.
Me: One woman screamed and threw her knitting at him. It was a good strategy actually, as he hurried out through the back doors after that.
Adam Vaughan: Well, I’m running to become your Member of Parliament and I’m hoping I can rely on your support.
Me: I guess my endorsement would mean quite a bit for your campaign. I’m sure you want to get as many well-known writers as possible on board. Just makes sense, that.
Adam Vaughan: Yes, of course.
Me: I have a few more questions for you, do you mind?
Adam Vaughan: That’s why I’m here. Please, feel free!
Me: Well, the truth is that I know absolutely nothing about you other than what I just scanned on this flyer, so let’s start with some basics: If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be?
Adam Vaughan: Oh, geez, that’s a tough one.
Me: You can’t say “ a great fiscal policy for Toronto” or something lame like that.
Adam Vaughan: Spiderman. I’d love to be able to swing through the city.
Me: You can’t say Spiderman. He’s fictional. And that’s not much of an endorsement for our public transit, you know.
Adam Vaughan: Okay then, perhaps a cat. A cat that’s smart enough to take public transit.
Me: Good choice.
Adam Vaughan: Thanks.
Me: What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
Adam Vaughan: Probably piety, it’s a kind of arrogance. This sounds like the Vanity Fair questionnaire, is it?
Me: Yes, the bits of it I can remember, anyway. Personally, I think confidence is horribly overrated.
Adam Vaughan: I see. Are you on disability?
Me: No.
Adam Vaughan: Well, thank you for your time, and please remember to vote on Election Day!
]]>
1. ROCK THE VOTE!!
In an effort to help remind Torontonians that it’s their duty to vote in the upcoming city election on October 27th, CondomTO would put out a series of prophylactics featuring various City Councilors and Mayoral candidates. Personalities should include:
Rob Ford
David Soknacki
Doug Ford
Karen Stintz
Olivia Chow
Sarah Thomson
- TORONTO: PROUD OF OUR WILDLIFE!!
This series of condoms would feature some of the urban wildlife that makes Toronto such a distinctive blend between big-city cosmopolitanism and natural green space, also serving as a reminder that animals are our neighbours and partners in city living! Creatures that should be considered for inclusion:
Pigeon
Raccoon
Small dog (As so many Torontonians are apartment dwellers, the city has a preponderance of small dog breeds such as Dachshund, Pug, Yorkshire Terrier, etcetera)
Rat
Squirrel
Bed Bugs
- CELEBRATE JURASSIC PARK!!
In honour of the Toronto Raptors basketball team’s great run into the playoffs, CondomTO would feature some of the star personalities involved with the team! Suggestions include:
Amir Johnson
The Raptor (Mascot)
Jonas Valanciunas
Kyle Lowry
Drake (Ambassador of team)
Nav Bhatia (Superfan)
Celebrities, politicians and common folks jumped on the bandwagon, many wearing blue bracelets in support of the cause, and a little bit of over-sharing might have taken place, but still, a bunch of money and awareness was raised. The success of this venture has led Rogers, Bell’s rival, to do something very similar. On January 31st, Roger’s launched their Everybody Poops campaign, where for every tweet or text that included the hashtag RogersEverybodyPoops, six cents would be donated to gastrointestinal health initiative across the country.
These are some of the tweets that went out on that day:
Clint Eastwood
Go ahead, make my day and RT #RogersEverybodyPoops
Anonymous
Bowel movements are nothing to be ashamed of!! Please RT #RogersEverybodyPoops
Sarah Polley
Life’s no picnic when every bowel movement feels like an emergency. Please help by retweeting #RogersEverybodyPoops
Anonymous
We need to end the stigma that prevents people from talking openly about their bowel movements! Fight silence!! #RogersEverybodyPoops
William Shatner
I had a rectal polyp the size of a walnut and the pain was unreal. #RogersEverybodyPoops
Anonymous
Fart jokes are not funny!! They are a form of BULLYING! Please RT #RogersEverybodyPoops
Justin Trudeau
What would Justin do? Justin would bring attention to the gastrointestinal health of Canadians. Let’s knock out Colon Cancer! #RogersEverybodyPoops
Anonymous
I didn’t fart in front of my boyfriend for three years. Why?? The silence and shame must stop! #RogersEverybodyPoops
Anonymous
Because of my IBS I have to use public washrooms all the time and it is unsafe #RogersEverybodyPoops
Dion Phaneuf
Nobody likes to leave a floater in the toilet. #RogersEverybodyPoops
Anonymous
My stool is very unpredictable and always smells horrible. It’s time for pooping to come out of the closet! #RogersEverybodyPoops
Rob Ford
Nothing feels as awesome as a good dump, so let’s give all Canadians, not just the elites, that opportunity. #RogersEverydodyPoops
Anonymous
The runs aren’t just something that happens to your stockings. We need to talk about this! #RogersEverybodyPoops
Pamela Anderson
Nothing is a bigger turn off than blood or mucus in your stool. Let’s get our shit together! #RogersEverybodyPoops
Monica Lewinsky 40:
Dear Monica:
I just want to say that it’s amazing and impressive that you’ve lived this long. I think everybody in the media was sure you’d die in a self-loathing pit of drugs, despair and faded memories, but no! You took up knitting! That is completely awesome, and I wish more borderline celebrity types would do this. MC Hammer? He should be knitting. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you a most excellent and happy 40th and continued success in living an anonymous and not disastrously adjusted life! You’re doing great!
Lynda Carter 62
Dear Lynda:
You probably know what you meant to me when I was a boy growing up, so I won’t get into that here. But sweet Jesus, you were hot. My friend Ian used to hump the TV when your show Wonder Woman came on. Can you imagine that? I tell you, young boys will put their dicks on anything. Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have written that to you, it’s kind of gross, I guess. But I don’t know, maybe it makes you feel kind of proud, too? You are getting old, after all. I don’t mind admitting that women, even Wonder Women (LOL) have always confused me. Anyway, you’re beautiful on the inside and out, and all of us are very proud of you for being a spokesperson for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’m on a gluten-free diet, myself. Happy birthday!!
Kevin Spacey 53
Dear Kevin:
I have to say, and you’re now old enough to hear it, you’re a VERY over-rated actor. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a happy birthday, you should, but you just need to stop hamming it up so much.
Elisabeth Moss 31
Dear Elisabeth:
I just want you to know that I think that Peggy Olson, your character on Mad Men, is made of steel. She takes no shit!! I mean, it’s a man’s world where she works, but Peggy stands up for herself, changes with the times and learns how to dress! It’s awesome. How does it feel to have your own doll? Pretty cool, I bet. I’d like to have my own action figure. He’d be playing table tennis. Do you know Jennifer Lawrence? Happy birthday!
Selena Gomez 21
Dear Selena:
You know what’s weird? It’s weird that on your birthday I was riding my bicycle by a fancy hotel in Toronto that was being swarmed by gitchy teen girls in really short shorts all waiting to see Justin Bieber, the guy you dumped. What a bunch of losers! Like you, I’m not a Belieber, and you know what? I’m old enough to be your father but still find you really sexy! Funny, eh? Happy birthday, Selena, may your 20s be wild, unpredictable and very experimental!
