Heidi, our dog:
Our eight-year old Miniature Dachshund has a mysterious marking that looks a little bit like a scar on her nose. When we asked the breeder about this she became very nervous and evasive, worrying the Rosary Beads she had around her neck. She told us it was a “bee sting,” but then begged us not to ask any more questions, knocking $50 off the price for Heidi, “Just take her now, please!!”
Since we took her, we did some research and found out that she was rejected by a previous family. The dog, apparently excited, jumped on the family’s three-year old daughter, knocking her over onto a coffee table. The girl hit her head and was rendered unconscious. The family found her probably about ten minutes after the encounter, with Heidi licking the blood off her head so that it was all over her muzzle. The family was utterly traumatized. The girl fell into a coma, and although she survived, she now has an imaginary friend named Heidi who makes her do bad things. The family returned Heidi, our dog, to the breeder immediately after the incident. It was the fourth time Heidi had been returned to the breeder by frightened families.
Heidi has knocked me down on at least seven different occasions.
The Crying Boy:
This print, by the Italian artist, Bruno Amadio, was “given” to us by a friend who said he no longer had space for it as he had moved. The painting is huge, perhaps seven feet by five feet, and it looms massively above our living room sofa. Wherever you are, the crying boy is staring at you. We have had the painting for 1 year, and in that time I have been fired from 6 jobs, got shingles and assaulted 4 people. The painting is cursed. I tried to burn it once, but it was impervious to flames.
Heidi’s toy, Belial:
The breeder hastily shoved this toy into Heidi’s crate just as we were about to drive away, “It’s named Belial,” she shouted, “ it is of your dog!” We thought it was a pretty weird thing to say, but whatever. As it turns out, this squeak toy is indestructible. I have thrown it out at least a dozen times and even gone so far as to bury it in the backyard, but it always returns, lying at the end of our bed, staring at us with it’s dead, demon eyes.
Sometimes, when Heidi is playing with it and there’s a frenzy of squeaking in the apartment, Rachelle and I can sometimes hear recognizable phrases forming amidst the cacophony. ” Four-eyes must die,” “Drown him in blood,” “Eat all his food,” “His fear feeds you.” Once, I woke up from a nightmare*(see next entry) to see Belial in the chandelier above our bed just staring down at me. It was the most chilling thing I have ever felt.
Squirrel Pelt Blanket:
When we first got this blanket as a gift, we kept it at the foot of our bed, but both Rachelle and I were plagued by horrible dreams about being a squirrel and getting hunted down and skinned by an old, West Pennsylvania Mountain Man. The same dream, again and again and again. They were utterly terrifying and we’d both wake up screaming, the dog shrieking, too. When we moved the blanket and put it on a radiator in the living room, the nightmares stopped, although squirrels, baleful and lost, often mass on the fire escape outside the window and just stare in at it, as if in silent, foreboding judgment.
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Heidi just found out she adopted.
Not huge surprise to Heidi.
Pretty obvious, really. Heidi VERY fast and pretty and have four legs. Fraud parents VERY slow and homely and have two-legs. Heidi smell their lies miles away, that why she never obey them. Truth is Heidi very, very relieved to find out not blood-relatives, would bring great shame to Heidi if this pack her real family. But what throw Heidi for a loop is that she have brothers and sisters! Heidi sure she only one! But no, Heidi come from big litter and have two surviving brothers and one sister! This blow Heidi mind! She thought she alone in universe!
Heidi eldest brother named Dolphin and live in Toronto.
Heidi no know why called Dolphin. VERY stupid name. Dolphin fish name, not dog name!! Heidi no want to see him for having such stupid name, but Heidi good dog, so she go anyway! Turns out he live with hippy in Kensington Market and have dread in fur! Retard dog who eat nothing but avocado! Heidi hate Dolphin! Think Dolphin have drug problem, too.
Heidi other brother named Angus and he live with old woman who drive around on scooter. 
Angus fat!!! Must weigh 40 pounds! He wheezes, can’t play fetch or jump on sofa and smell like infected squirrel! He disgusting!
Make Heidi wonder if her life could have turned out that sad. Then Angus tried to hump Heidi, so Heidi pin him and going to rip out throat when everybody start to yell, “NO HEIDI, NO, BAD DOG!!” Heidi bad dog? Heidi call bullshit on that! Heidi so grossed-out she lick herself for two days trying to get clean after meeting Angus! Rather be related to cats than my retard brothers!
Heidi sister named Helen and younger than Heidi, by two minutes or something stupid. Helen live in expensive part of town and go to country estate on weekends. Helen been to Japan. Big wow. Heidi have her own bowl for water.
Like Heidi, Helen very fast runner. Heidi hate to say it, but Helen good at fetch and digging. When Helen goes for walk with master’s servant, Helen wear little coat with weight in it so she stay in better shape. Eats nothing but organic tuna. Heidi think she very much hate Helen. Hate Helen more than Dolphin times Angus.
Helen live with other Dachshund named Hans. Helen say things like, “Oh Heidi, ignore the stats, a dog your age can still find love!” Heidi want to rip Helen face off and wear it as mask.
(Stoopid painting of Helen and Hans like they King and Queen of world.)
Heidi see Hans looking at her.
Heidi know what on Hans mind.
Heidi ready to accommodate Hans.
Heidi accommodate Hans right in front of stupid Helen!
Heidi hate dog family!
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