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The Citizens for Constitutional Freedom Press Conference, January 12th, 2016
Ammon Bundy: Our intelligence officers have informed us that David Bowie has passed away. After careful study we have confirmed this as true, and not some prepared government disinformation constructed to demoralize my patriots. The news came as an absolute shock to The Citizens for Constitutional Freedom, and we feel that we’ve lost a brother in our fight against tyranny.
Ryan Bundy: He was our Diamond Dog, may the Lord hold him in his sweet embrace! Swing low, sweet chariot!
Ammon Bundy: David Bowie was a formative presence in my life. It was difficult for many of us, confused young militia men marginalized by government tyranny, to come to grips with the strange and new feelings we were experiencing while growing up in remote Nevada.
Our constitutional urges were so strong and they felt so true, yet still, the mainstream shunned us for them.
David Bowie…. okay okay, just give me a sec. His passing there, guess it dug deep… Giving me feelings… You know how you put stuff in a closet and you don’t look in there, and then something happens one day and it all just comes spilling out in tears, gunfire and arson? That’s what this is like. I’m just a little emotional here, but let me tell you, if there’s one thing David Bowie taught me, it’s that it’s okay to be different, and I will be different for the Constitution, knowing that it is okay to enforce my interpretation of the Constitution on the nation by any means necessary.
Ryan Bundy: Hallelujah, they named a knife after the shape shifter! Bowie was the man!!
Ammon Bundy: As you might imagine, many of the men are shaken, some so much so that all of their resolve has left them. We lost five men to grief last night. Crippled by sadness, they drove home to their wives and families, and soon will be watching the NFL playoffs and listening to their favourite David Bowie songs. We wish them godspeed. However, the rest of us have rededicated ourselves to the struggle David would want us to fight. David Bowie, apart from being a creative genius, generous spirit, and fashion icon, was first and foremost a patriot, and he would want us to continue in our battle against tyranny.
Ryan Bundy: Anybody who slept with Susan Sarandon and lists Frank O’Hara amongst his favourite poets is okay in my books! He’s my starman in the sky!
Ammon Bundy: And so, until the government– stooge to the bird lobby– cedes to our demands and gives us, The People, all the land they own, we will remain, defending freedom.
We will be heroes.
Ryan Bundy: Please, American patriots, do not forget to send in food and snack donations, keeping in mind some of the warrior’s dietary restrictions, such as nuts and gluten! Nuts and gluten are weapons of tyranny! Just press Donate on the Donate tab on our Facebook page. Long live our Space Oddity and death to tyranny!
Tall, powerful and with flowing, blonde locks and a fastball that exceeds 100 mph, he has the distinct aura of the divine about him. He had a tough time early in the game, but seemed to gather confidence and strength as it wore on.
David Wright, veteran third baseman and captain of the Mets served as his human interpreter at the press conference after the Mets victory:
Alice Gwyn, Yahoo Sports: “Thor, you seemed a little confounded on the mound out there as the game started. The Royals kept getting hits off you no matter what you threw. How did you adjust?”
David Wright, human translator:
Thor says, “I could not believe that even as I shattered their puny mortal weapons, sundering them like match sticks with my offerings, they still managed to get little, dinky hits! It was black magic, I tell you! I looked to my captain and said, “What dark arts are these? Surely Loki is behind such enchantments!”
But in truth, never once did I stop believing in my mighty immortal powers, powers which you can see were reflected in the final score.”
Joe Ainsley, New York Post: “Good effort out there, Thor. The first pitch of the game was quite an eye opener. Was the high and tight fastball that levelled Royals lead-off hitter Alcides Escobar meant to convey a message and change the tone in the series?”
David Wright, human translator:
Thor laughs heartily! He throws his golden locks behind his head, saying, the pitch was meant to convey that Alcides is a pitiful mortal and I am the immortal Thor! The Royals, a team that little changeling girl Lordes wrote a song about, needed to know they were in New York now and that things are very different in New York. I smote him. He will not be a factor in this series again. The pitiful human mewling from the Royals dugout after that, little kittens scared of a thunder, made Thor laugh. Verily, it was a good time.”
Benedict Summers, New York Times: “Thor, I have to say, it was good to see the God of Thunder so in control of things tonight, and wow, you are really, really crazy numinous tonight, blinding. Anyway, what would you say was the single most important thing to you being able to pitch such a gritty, consistent and powerful game?”
David Wright, human translator:
“Being a God and immortal status, for sure. I just reached deep into my well of divinity and kept throwing pitches of fire that I knew mortals would not be able to hit. Just stuck to my game plan. Also, the presence of the great Billy Joel at the game, and the playing of Piano Man,
was both touching and inspirational! It was like I was back in Valhalla at the hall of Bilskirnir! Thor, God of Thunder, thanks you all very much, but he must now go and feast and ice the immortal arm!”
( Thanks to Yael Friedman for the idea!)
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Similarly, Rudolph Giuliana, led New York, America and pretty much the rest of the world, in the midst of the September 11th attacks on New York City. Ever-present, he was tireless, an informed, robust, sincere and deeply invested presence that was able to offer us, if not absolute comfort, at least a sense of stability and continuance. Great mayors rise to great challenges.
On May 13th of 2013, the much loved and beleaguered Toronto Maple Leafs were eliminated by the Boston Bruins in game 7 of the first round of the Stanley Cup finals. Normally, this would be considered a victory for the chronically underachieving Leafs, but in this case they suffered a historic collapse, relinquishing a 4-1 lead with less than 15 minutes left to play. The city of Toronto was utterly devastated. It was at this time that Rob Ford stepped up to the plate and revealed that he was a great leader.
The Press Conference:
Q: How are you feeling mayor?
A: Frig. I’m not sure I have the words. It’s just, you know, not right. You’re at home eating your hot dogs expecting victory, and then this. It’s just, just, geez, you know?
Q: Are you proud of the team for the way the team battled against the heavily favoured Bruins?
A: It’s just an emotional time for me. I can’t speak right now. You know, there are Bros crying in Maple Leaf Square tonight. They’re painted blue. Some of them have shaved their chest so that they look like maple leafs. It’s just tragic.
Q: Do you have any words of support for Torontonians right now?
A: Reimer was real weak on that last goal. Boy. It’s hard to believe he has a hot wife. Little skinny, but still. Also, the referees were crappy. We’re going to look into protesting the outcome, maybe hold it up in court.
Q: What do you think of Toronto’s chances next year?
A: Are you serious!? What do you expect me to say!!?? This is a tragedy! Now’s not the time for such questions, holy hell! You guys in the media never cease to amaze me! You have no class! Zero! Bunch of crappy referees is what you are, why don’t you try getting a real job, eh? I’m done with this, I’m going to get something to eat—outta my way!
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