This is his first press conference:
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3:24 P.M. EDT
Elmo: Hi everybody!
Guess what Elmo is thinking about today!!
Afghanistan!!!
Afghanistan starts with the letter A!!
Do you know what else starts with the letter A??
Attitude! Elmo hopes all of you people in the press have really good attitudes today!!
President Trump is ordering another 4,000 troops into Afghanistan. President Trump took over a mess, and now America, and her global allies and partners, are going to make things a lot messier! Elmo loves to make a mess! Do you like to make a mess? America will be making a mess of terrorists in order to clean up the mess the previous administration made of Afghanistan! So remember, America will not be nation building, America will be killing terrorists!
Terrorists are bad!
Yay, America!!
Can you guess what else Elmo is thinking about today?
Anybody??
No?
Ha, ha! Maybe you want to dance with Elmo? Elmo just loves to dance!
( Elmo dances)
Oh, Elmo so tired from dancing, Elmo almost forgot what Elmo was thinking about! Elmo remember! Elmo was thinking about Fake News!
Boo, Fake News, Boo!
Fake News is just about as bad as the terrorists!! Poor President Trump, he just wants to make America great again, and he has to fight terrorists AND fake news!! Such a hero!! Elmo loves heroes! Let’s all stand up and clap our hands for heroes!! Yay!!!
Elmo wants to say that although it is true President Trump briefly sized up the sun during yesterday’s eclipse, the President is not blind and is in perfect health!
That was fake news!! Elmo hates fake news! Elmo thinks that President Trump has such energy he might live forever! He is healthiest, most patriotic President of all time!! But even if the President had suffered significant blurring and fading of his vision during his encounter with the sun, which he hasn’t, there have been many great blind people in history! Do you like history?? Elmo loves history!
History says that America is great!
History also says that Daredevil was blind! And even blind Daredevil could still destroy all his enemies!!
Maybe Daredevil will visit Afghanistan?! Elmo thinks that would be so much fun! Wouldn’t that be fun?!
Remember to check Twitter to see when Daredevil might be appearing in Afghanistan!!
History also says that the great poet Milton was also blind, as well as musician Jose Feliciano!
And look, here’s Mister Jose Feliciano! Would you play a song for Elmo Mister Feliciano?!
Yay!! But first, Elmo thinks it is important to say that Mister Jose Feliciano is from Puerto Rico, not Mexico as many seem to think!
Elmo loves you Mister Jose Feliciano, thank you for the beautiful song!
Such a fun press conference!
Before Elmo leaves today Elmo wants to say just a few words about Jerry Lewis. That man kept us all laughing for over half a century, and his incredible charity work touched the lives of millions. Jerry lived the American Dream—he truly loved his country, and his country loved him back. Our thoughts are with his family today as we remember the extraordinary life of one of our greatest entertainers and humanitarians. Thank you, Jerry. You will be missed.
Elmo loves you all!!
Kiss, kiss!
]]>Valentine’s Day Press Briefing by White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer:
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Mr. Spicer: Good afternoon, everybody. Thanks for coming.
As some of the assembled press here might already know, but probably don’t, on account of being spineless merchants of ignorance and lies, is that today is Valentine’s Day.
Named after St. Valentine.
A Christian.
A Christian who was killed by Muslims.
I want those words to sit there for a moment and sink in.
No! No questions yet! We’re going to have a little time-out here and think about Muslims killing an an innocent Christian. A super Christian. The Tom Brady of Christians . That’s right, that’s how goddamn good Saint Valentine was, he was like Tom Brady.
And the Muslims killed him.
Do you know how he was killed?
Anyone?
No? Not one of you geniuses in the press corps has any idea? No, I didn’t think so.
Torture.
He was tortured to death.
Okay, moving on, I’d like to wish my lovely wife Rebecca a Happy Valentine’s Day– baby, you’re the light of my life! They say behind every great man is a great woman, and they’re right, they’re right, Rebecca.
However, the story dominating the news cycle today is the handshake between President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Jerry Trudeau of Canada.
Jerry Trudeau, as you could all see– it was plain as day– has smaller hands than President Trump. Much smaller. It was funny how small they were. The President firmly guided the direction, intensity and length of the handshake. He was in full control at all times. Additionally, Ivanka, a world-class beauty, is much more attractive than Sonja, the Prime Minister’s wife. Is she older than him? We will look into that, but I believe that Sonja is older than Trudeau. Sorry? What did you say, Kellyanne? I can’t hear you above the howling from the media cages! Okay, okay, got it. Sonja is 7 years older than the Prime Minister and has had work done. How much work we are not yet sure.
President Trump, as you all know, can get any woman on the planet, and certainly would never have to stoop to marrying a woman older than him.
Saturday Night Live continues to disgust.
There is no greater example of the corrupt and biased media than this treasonous show. For the record, I was never known as “Sean Sphincter” in high school. Nothing but malicious, mean-spirited lies. Our intelligence service has discovered that next week SNL were planning on having ISIS as their special guest.
Not on our watch.
The President takes the security of the American people very seriously, in fact it is his highest priority, and from this point forward all operations at Saturday Night Live and Nordstrom will be suspended indefinitely. They are welcome to operate out of Iraq and see how they like it there. Additionally, Playboy magazine will be bringing back nudity.
National Security Adviser Michael Flynn has retired in order to spend more time with his family. Here is the full statement from Michael Flynn.
“Working with Donald Trump has been the single greatest honour of my personal and professional life. Secure in the knowledge that the world is in his large, powerful hands, I regretfully tender my resignation, effective immediately, so that I can spend more time with my family.”
Before ending I just want to congratulate Adele for her victory over Beyonce at the Grammy’s.
Very well deserved. All lives matter, people, all lives matter.
Okay, that’s a wrap.
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There’s his passion for football, for instance, as well as smoking crack with drug dealers, calling the media “maggots” and getting thrown out of hockey games for being drunk, but there’s a lot more to the man that just his robust vulgarity. For years now, Ford has been a big fan of the New Yorker Magazine, in particular their weekly cartoon caption contest, and each week the mayor always finds time to submit to the contest. What follows are a collection of some of his better submissions:
While you’re down there….
I may have had a whale of a time, but I am not a crack cocaine addict right now!
Stupid leftie pinkos and their subways!
Ask #3 to spread her legs wider so I can get a better look.
I’d do anything for some chicken wings!!!
Remember when you used to drill me? Wanna get drunk?
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