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From @realDonaldTrump:

Ron Glass died! Black guy on Barney Miller. Very fussy and wordy. Maybe gay. Easy to overlook. Just 71. Still in the prime of his life. Sad.

From @realDonaldTrump:

Florence Henderson died! America’s original MILF. Did I? Wouldn’t be classy to tell, but as Flo is dead– yes, many, many times. Once with Marcia, too.

From @realDonaldTrump:

Leonard Cohen died! Think it was a nut allergy. Might have to ban nuts. We’re losing too many of the good ones to them.#WarOnNuts!

From @realDonaldTrump:

I am in perfect health. No nut allergy. Can eat nuts by the handful. Shame about Crooked Hillary’s health. So very sick. Tired all the time. Crooked Hillary next to die?

From @realDonaldTrump:

Jose Fernandez died! Great, great pitcher for Miami. Un hombre sincero. Had box seats for his last start. Great service. Stunning waitresses. They love me in Florida.

From @realDonaldTrump:

Sharon Jones died! Pancreatic cancer. Nasty. I stand with the black people, who love me, love me so much, during this sad, sad time. I will fix your broken inner cities!!

From @realDonaldTrump:

Pat Harrington Jr. died! The janitor guy on One Day at a Time. Decent show. Maybe not the best. Preferred Three’s Company. Chrissy? She was a 9, for sure. Body and face.

From @realDonaldTrump:

Actress Suzanne Somers played Chrissy. Blonde and jiggly. I won’t lie to you, I had sex with her many times. So many times you wouldn’t believe.

From @realDonaldTrump:

One time we did it in the linen closet of a 5 star restaurant. She was a great piece of real estate, that lady. Outstanding. #WomenLoveMe.

From @realDonaldTrump:

Muhammad Ali died! Great showman. Brought lots of people and money into the casinos. Huge amounts. He got so shaky in the end, though. Sad.

From @realDonaldTrump:

Former Miss New Jersey Cara McCollum has died! Saw her naked more than once in the change room at the pageant. Body a solid 9. Face? Maybe a 7 on a good day. We mourn her passing.

From @realDonaldTrump:

Prince has died! He was never my thing. Straight or gay? Hard to tell. Always changing his brand. Very confusing for the consumer. Made him a bad businessman. #BuyTrumpBrandWater

From @realDonaldTrump:

David Bowie died! Had a glass eye. Was married to a Somalian supermodel. Guy was way out there. Tried to get him on Celebrity Apprentice but there were scheduling problems.

From @realDonaldTrump:

Gene Wilder died! Alzheimer’s Disease. Couldn’t remember a thing in the end. I am in perfect health. My mind is like a platinum trap. Ivy League educated. So, so very smart. #HighestPresidentialIQOfAllTime

From @realDonaldTrump:

Chyna has died! Drug overdose. I have never taken any drugs in my life. Unlike Crooked Hillary who is on HUGE amounts of meds. She’s all weak and shaky like Ali was before his death. Don’t think she has long.

From @realDonaldTrump:

Chyna was a great lady wrestler. Really tall. Kind of homely, but still able to turn a profit in porn. Gotta admire that.

Always thought Ivanka could dominate the industry if she chose.

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Prince:

“ It was in 2004 and I was on a flight from London to Dubai. While flipping through the stations on my headset I started to listen to the Oldies station because they were playing a little known Beach Boys song that I just adore called “I Can Hear Music.” I just sort of fell into the station the way that you do, and then as if plucked from my nightmares, they played “Purple Rain.” I will never forget the cheesy announcer saying, “He may be a gracefully aging king now, but he’ll always be a Prince to us.” I wanted the plane to crash.”

Bryan Adams:

“I was at the fucking Home Hardware buying a couple of those big 5 gallon water pumps for my studio, okay?”

Michael Stipe of REM:

“I was paying for gas in Michigan. Funny, though, it didn’t make me feel old or irrelevant, it just made me feel beyond time. How long did it take for that to happen? 20 years? That’s really not very much time, but that’s all it took for us to become a part of musical history, to become the music that your parents loved. “

Sarah McLachlan:

“Oh Christ, I wish you hadn’t asked me that! I was in a Vancouver wine bar with a friend and the place was playing some generic radio station, and I don’t know why, but I was listening to the DJ just as she announced, “And here’s an oldie but a goodie by our own Sarah McLachlan—a classy woman.” And then my song “I Will Remember You “ came on and all I could think about was some woman in a retirement home singing along, broken and out of key, while thinking of her dead husband. Oh, it was just awful, I mean, it shouldn’t have been, but it was, it really, really was. And my friend Liz, who was sitting across from me, could see the obvious look of mortification on my face, and she just said, “Classy, classy woman, that Sarah McLachlan. “

Randy Travis:

“The God honest truth is I’m not positive that it was an Oldie’s station, but I was damn sure at the time that it was. I was in jail, that first night after my infamous DUI, and as I was getting processed one of the clerks was playing her radio and my song “Forever and Ever, Amen,” came on. I looked up, startled and ashamed, thinking about the words and what was actually happening to me, and I must have looked a fright because she turned it off immediately.”

These are some excerpts from his journal:

It’s just like the Hunger Games. I’m in the woods with a bow and arrow and rock and it’s either kill or be killed. A bureaucrat shows up and asks me a bunch of questions about expenditures and I’m going to shoot her but my bow and arrow thing doesn’t work, so I start to hit her in the face with my big rock. When I wake up I feel completely awesome, like I had just recovered a fumble.

I’m in Chicago on my trade mission vacation and I’m standing in front of that bean cloud sculpture thing in the midst of a big media scrum. Tough questions, man. And then I see my reflection in the bean cloud thing. It’s like it’s me but it’s not me, and I can see that Bean Cloud Rob is trying to say something to me and that it’s important, like the winning play for my football team or the answer to one of the questions I’m getting asked, but something is preventing the message from getting across. It was creepy, like Bean Cloud Rob was a ghost, and so I got mad and started to push and shake the Bean Cloud, but nothing happened. Woke up fucking furious.

In my dream the NHL season is about to be lost.  Everybody is sad and angry. I drive up in my Escalade and get out and stride into the boardroom where the reps for the owners and players are meeting. “Guys, it’s like this: 50% for the owners, 50% for the players and 100% for the fans! You got it, damn it, or do I have to tell you again?!” And everybody is completely thrilled with my plan and the Boyz n the Bright White Sports Car by Trooper starts to blast and we party like it’s 1999! And then a chick peels off her top and it’s even more awesome.

This one is friggin’ weird, but I’m a peanut that’s trapped in its shell. I’m at a ballgame and I know I don’t have long. I can hear some guy reaching into a bag and grabbing a handful of nuts, breaking the shells open and then chomping down on ‘em. It’s like goddamn thunder, it’s like I can hear ‘em screming! I know I have to escape but I don’t know how. I’m banging my peanut fists against the shell and hollering, but nothing’s happening and then I wake up really frustrated and mad.