It’s an honour to become a part of this esteemed franchise, and although I may be a little bit older than some of my teammates, Magic Mike expects to make an impact with his hustle, grit and smarts. And if I need to be a father figure to some of the team’s emerging, young organizational depth, so be it. Magic Mike is a born leader. I know where all the good steak houses are. I know where to get a safe tattoo at 4:00 am. And, goddam it, I know what a fair price for a prostitute– regardless of where the sex worker might be on the gender spectrum– is. Magic Mike can help this team grow up, and Magic Mike can help this team win. I will be making no further statements today so that I can best concentrate on preparing myself, Magic Mike, for the big game tonight. Oh, and please visit my website to purchase merchandise:
]]>Q: Obviously commoners are not allowed to touch Royalty on account of our divine lineage. Sadly, many of the “people” are now ignorant of this and the protocol is often broken, but only at behest of the Royal, who may deem to shake a hand or pose with a commoner’s pet. However, recently, a nouveau riche commoner completely shattered protocol by putting his big, powerful, black arm around me. He was a large commoner, good stock, and covered in the intoxicating musk of the peasant, I felt so small and vulnerable yet protected within his embrace! I have to say, it stirred certain feelings and they’re scary! What should I do?
Confused Kate
Dear Confused:
Many Royals harbour secret desires to go “slumming,” and you shouldn’t be alarmed that this commoner has stirred such feelings in you. However, you must remember that serving your country is of cardinal importance, and that nothing, not even a new and thrilling lust, should get in the way of this holy duty! You must not let the public face of the Royal Family slip!!!
However, you should keep in mind that for millennia Royals have been fulfilling this need for “slumming” by indulging their fetishes in private, behind castle walls, using slaves, concubines and prostitutes. You have a vast and excellent staff working beneath you, utilize them! They will be only too happy to earn a shadow of your gratitude by corralling the vulnerable and desperate to serve as playthings for you! Don’t get hung-up on this one peasant, remember, they’re in limitless supply and completely disposable!
Q: Imagine that a great King was put in a situation where he had to impose a law on his people to prohibit sex for all between the ages of 9 and 18 in an attempt to quell the AIDS pandemic. It would be a wise and just law, no? The King loves his children and wishes to protect them! Imagine then, that this great King, much loved by his people, had 25 wives, and legions of “liphovela,” all trying to become pregnant by the great King in order to prove their fertility and become one of his official brides. If one of them was selected, as is the custom, during the topless virgin reed dance, and she was between the ages of 9 and 18, would the great King then be in conflict of interest?
Great King
Dear Great King:
You are not only above the law, you are the law, so the short answer to your question is a resounding NO! However, it is important for a great ruler to keep harmony amongst his people, lest they rebel, and so I would respectfully suggest that you compensate the family of this particular liphovela with a token bought from your great wealth, which must certainly be in excess of 200 million, such as a cow, cell phone or Nutribullet. Easy-Peasy!
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CLASS AND QUALITY
Our future leaders and business tycoons will learn about gold plating, Chinese food, sports pedicures and Europe from some of the loveliest contestants in the history of The Apprentice. This intensive course is uptown.
“The course I took on Class and Quality at Trump University really helped me become the man that I am. I owe Donald Trump a lot more than just money.”
–Dennis Rodman
If you want to climb the ladder to success, you need to take this course.
THE ART OF TWITTER
Trump, long known for his devastating wit and ability to conjure Le Mot Juste, is a master of communication. In this course, students will acquire the skills and techniques needed to learn to use Twitter to their best advantage so that they may enhance their brand, network effectively, disseminate message and defeat their loser enemies. We will do an in depth reading of the famous Twitter exchange between Donald Trump and loser TV writer Danny Zuker. *1
HYGIENE AND COLOGNE: “A MAN IS ONLY AS RICH AS HE SMELLS (* This course is only open to men)
Donald Trump knows that the key to success is more than just business acumen and acquiring the appropriate trophy wives. A man has to look good: he has to be clean. In this class many of Donald Trump’s secret grooming tips will be shared with, and only with, this exclusive group of quality and classy students. You will learn how to wear socks that make a winning statement, how to keep your nails clean without looking like a pushover in the boardroom and how often to bathe/shower/hot tub and whether it is appropriate for servants to see you naked. The answer might surprise! A clue, from Donald Trump, “Intimidation is key to any success in business.” (Includes a field trip to a sauna at a cost of $85 per student.)
BUSINESS AND BIG GAME HUNTING (Discontinued)
BEAUTY PAGEANTS AND SEX TAPES (Graduate level course)
After extensive viewing of course material, students in this seminar will learn how to expertly avoid being trapped in sex tapes by bitter ex-wives, business associates, competitive, ambitious friends of your daughter and prostitutes, and how to profitably and successfully navigate the complex, often dangerous landscape of beauty pageants.
*1 http://variety.com/2013/more/news/donald-trump-modern-family-writer-spar-on-twitter-1200487989/
]]>Scandal Scenario #1
A sex tape purported to feature Mayor Ford, his brother Councilor Doug Ford and an unknown prostitute has been circulating the Internet. The Mayor’s office wants to assure everybody that this is a hoax perpetuated by the left wing media in an effort to subvert the democratic process and defame hard working civic officials. The faces of the men in the videotape are not visible, as they are concealed by football helmets, and Rob Ford’s famous third nipple is nowhere in sight. It should also be noted that Rob and Doug are very common names, and the fact that they are repeatedly bellowed throughout the video in no way links the Ford brothers to this robust threesome.
Scandal Scenario #2
What the left-wing media has been describing as a Japanese Sex Doll– that Mayor Ford has been seen hauling in and out of his Escalade over the last week– is in fact a Football Tackling Dummy.
Although it certainly has some feminine features, this in no way describes a sexist or degrading attitude toward women. Far from it. In fact, Mayor Ford has been using the Tackling Dummy as an instructional prop in order to help educate his football players in sexual harassment protocols and in the proper treatment of cheerleaders.
Scandal Scenario #3
Mayor Ford, while generously playing Santa Claus at a Dufferin Mall charity event, did not ask a child present if there was black Santa Claus, too, as the left-wing media has been reporting. The boy who cited this story, Abdul Azeem Kazi, is clearly a Muslim and obviously does not believe in Santa Claus. There is just no way he would have been telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We have strong reason to suspect that this boy was working for the Toronto Star and that his parent’s are in the country illegally. Stop the gravy train!
Scandal Scenario #4
Although the Mayor tried cocaine back in his youth in the 80’s, he has not knowingly used it in a freebase situation in quite a stretch. The Mayor regrets his youthful experiments (there was no sexual experimentation) with drugs, and hopes for a speedy conclusion to the NHL hockey lockout.
