Me: Thanks so much for sitting down with me.

Jane: It’s my pleasure, jobs, justice and particularly climate change are the defining issues of our times, and with what little time I have left, I want to do all I can to bring attention to them.

Me: Of course, of course. Nice hat, by the way—I think it says, “Let’s Change The World Now!” At any rate, you said, “with what little time I have left,” how old are you?

Jane: I am 77 years-old, and fortunately I’m in good health and have lots of energy, so I’m very hopeful that I can keep using my celebrity to bring attention to these causes before it’s too late.

Me: My mother is 77 years-old and she doesn’t look anything like you. Practically a different species.

Jane: I’m sure your mother is a very, very lovely woman, although looking at you I’d think she was much older than 77. But anyway, I’m from Hollywood and I’ve had so much work done I’m practically a cyborg.

Me: Ha!! A sex-cyborg! That’s funny! I’d love to see a Jane Fonda sex-cyborg. I hope the Japanese invent one after you’re dead. But back to the interview. You can imagine how confusing it was for me growing up to have you on one hand, a hot star I wanted to have sex with, and my mother on the other hand– and both being the same age! Very mixed-up– still am, I guess!!

Jane: Well, I hope you got some help for that. That’s one of the good things about Canada, it has universal health care so that people with mental illnesses such as yourself, can be treated.

Me: I loved you in Barbarella. When you made that film, did you have any idea how many strip clubs in North America were going to name themselves Barbarella’s? There must be hundreds, probably thousands.

Jane: The sex industry is a very complicated one, but what is clear is that women should have the right to do what they want with their bodies, be it free choice, stripping or prostitution. We need to enact laws to protect and empower women so that they’re in control of their bodies and lives, treated fairly and in a safe environment.

Me: Okay, good point. This one is a three-parter: Is acting a form of prostitution? Does Hollywood treat women fairly? Do you have sex with all of your leading men, or women, such as the case may be?

Jane: Yes, I think that acting is a form of prostitution, and…

Me: I have never in all of my years been to a prostitute. Never had to pay for it.

Jane: As I was saying, Hollywood has a long, long way to go before men and women are treated equally, particularly older women. Once you hit a certain age, the roles just vanish and you become invisible!

Me: Which is why you’re at a rally in Canada instead of, saying, selling aerobics videos

or starring as a lawyer or sexy, mean matriarch in some movie. I get it. They say that women in Hollywood have a best before date, a point where they become unfuckable. Do you think you became unfuckable, and if so, at what point in your career? Maybe Stanley and Iris or Monster-in-Law?

Jane: (Gets up and leaves)

It hasn’t been going particularly well, as I’m not really qualified for much, but recently I came upon a truly interesting and exciting possibility. A new company called Cudlers is opening up in Toronto, and they offer—for a price of $80 an hour—a platonic snuggling service for its clients, and are currently looking for a diverse array of Cuddlers to make house calls throughout the Greater Toronto Area.

I think I could do this.

I wrote the agency expressing my interest and they requested that I send them a photograph of myself, including my age and height, and a short essay on why I’d like to be a Cuddler.

This is what I sent:

Marcus Agincourt

Age: Younger than Tom Cruise

Height: Taller than Tom Cruise

I have been told that I have an extremely warm and reassuring manner. In fact, during group, I was once told, “Marcus, holding you is like stepping inside of a calming, Brian Eno composition.” I have participated in extensive Hug Therapy (HT) for my PTSD over the years, and the result of this training is that I am a very, very empathetic, sensitive and patient person.

You should know that I am an excellent listener and a natural conversationalist whom people feel very comfortable confiding in. I am, as they say, an old soul, and even if I have a slightly jittery manner and often knock things over, such as drinks, ashtrays and lamps, I’ve been told that I really know how to put people at ease. (I am a Pisces, and although many of this star sign are drinkers, I swore off the hard stuff years ago and now restrict myself to just wine in the evening.)

I dress well, in soft and reliable fabrics, and as I have very little muscle tone, my build, although slim, is very soft to the touch. I am proud to say that I have been compared favourably to Wagyu beef. Also, I do not sweat, so I emit no body odour whatsoever, and out of respect for others, have always kept my nails trim.

The truth is that I just want to help. I understand that in this modern world it’s sometimes easy to feel isolated and disconnected, and that people yearn for some simple, platonic human contact. It may sound corny, but I just want to help people heal, and if I can do that by wrapping myself around them in a non-sexual way for an hour, then I would consider it a privilege to do so.

Hugs,

Marcus Agincourt

PS: I prefer to cuddle to the music of Blondie but would defer to the wishes of the client.

PPS: A short list of dream clients:

Vintage Raquel Welch

An Asian

Jennifer Love Hewitt

Salma Hayek

Tom Hardy

Madonna (I would snuggle the mean right out of her)

Natalie Portman

Janet Gretzky

Paulina Gretzky (I would like to cuddle the three Gretzky’s all at once)

Wayne Gretzky

Stephen Hawking (I think it would be interesting and a possible learning experience, understanding that the cuddler will learn as much from the cuddlee, as the other way around!)

What follows are some outtakes from the cut footage:

A:

Rob Ford: Ford tough, bitches! (throws fist at camera)

Doug Ford: But keep in mind, this is not a car show. We can probably fix your vehicle, but we’re not going to do that.

Rob Ford: Don’t drink and drive! (mimicking drinking and driving) Made that mistake. I’m not perfect. Looking forward now. That’s in the past.

Doug Ford: We’re here to stop the gravy train!

Rob Ford: I will blow the goddamn gravy train up like I was a freakin’ terrorist. If you’re the gravy train, there’s nowhere you can hide. I’m going to find you, and you’re gonna explode. I’m an atom bomb! (pounds desk with fist)

B:

Rob Ford: Not a doubt in the world.

Doug Ford: Why?

Rob Ford: I saw the Bigfoot one night at the cottage and let me tell you, once you see the big guy, you know the big guy is the guy. I KNOW he exists, and I tell you, he would make an awesome lineman. Smells like skunk weed.

Doug Ford: I believe you, bro, I believe you.

Rob Ford: It was a Jesus moment.

Doug Ford: Bigfoot, a part of Ford Nation.

Rob Ford: Don’t mess with the big dog. Hallelujah.

Doug Ford: Amen.

Rob Ford: By the way, Jesus was fiscally Conservative. Hated big government. The temples he tore up, that was his gravy train.

Doug Ford: It’s true. Jesus was a very business friendly man.

C:

Doug Ford burning silently into the camera for 15 seconds and then standing up and yelling, “ If you want me, come and get me! You know where I am, I’m in your goddamn maggot TV! “ He stares angrily into the camera again for another ten seconds before pacing around in a circle punching fist into palm. Rob sips from a coffee mug.

D:

Rob Ford: I’ve NEVER, NOT ONCE, taken a bribe from a prostitute! I am here to save the tax payer money, and I can guarantee you, that hopefully, you will NEVER, EVER, see me fucked-up in some money scandal!

Doug Ford: You can’t say that, Rob.

Rob Ford: What? Oh fuck! It was saying fuck, wasn’t it?

Doug Ford: Yeah.

Rob Ford: (Kicks over chair)