As many of you know, Rob and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time, and it was at a local pub—Tiddlers—where we became last call drinking acquaintances. We’ve stayed in a weird contact over the years, frequently messaging one another when up late and partying alone. This is my most recent correspondence with the mayor, which took place sometime after two in the morning on Wednesday.
Rob: FORD NATION KNOCKING!!!
Me: Rob!!
Rob: BRAIN ON FIRE! All sorts of ideas!! Need quick feedback!!
Me: You always make me feel like I’m on a game show, love it!
Rob: The Quebec charter of values thing, you know, where the French people say you’re not allowed to wear the jew hat and stuff? I like it.
Me: If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything!
Rob: Damn straight! I’m free market, not going to tell people what they can’t do, but if you live in Ford Nation, you’re going to have to walk the walk, get it? If you have to be a weirdo and ride a bicycle, then you have to wear an Argo’s jersey when you do it.
Me: It’s brilliant, Rob, it can’t miss! What happens if you’re culturally un-Ford Nation and exploit a public resource like a library?
Rob: You got to see Iron Man III and eat a Cronut burger.
Me: And then wear the t-shirt, “ I survived the Cronut Burger! Ford For Mayor 2014!”
Rob: Yeah!! Ford Nation: Not as diverse as you’d think.
Me: How about, Ford Nation: Strength in Unity?
Rob: Love it!!! Man, you really GET the heart of Ford Nation! I miss having these late night jam sessions in person!
Me: Me, too, big guy, me, too.
Rob: Know what else I miss?
Me: Tiddlers!
Rob: Tiddlers RULZ!!!!! But dude, I miss Frosh Week. I could fucken live in Frosh Week. I would take my vacations there if I could. Fuck Florida!!
Me: Frosh Week was awesome. But look, what happens to vegans? They’re not Ford Nation at all.
Rob: If you want to be vegan and live in Ford Nation, then you have to be a stripper once a week, too. Don’t care about their religion. Chicks only, tho.
Me: What if somebody isn’t a man of the people? You know, not the type to go to visit people in public housing and put campaign stickers on their door frames?
Rob: Oh! Just got another idea!
Me: Great!
Rob: My fantasy hockey team?
Me: Yeah?
Rob: Gonna call it, Everybody’s Twerking For The Weekend! After the Loverboy song!
Me: Genius.
Rob: Honest, I think it’s the best thing I ever thought of.
Me: Me, too.
Rob: Hey, you see those pictures of that bear chasing the bison down the highway?
Me: Yeah.
Rob: You the bear or the bison?
Me: Not sure. You?
Rob: Both, little buddy, both.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Wow.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Fucking wow.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Don’t think that guy will be finishing the race. What a shame. : (
@TOPDOGMAYOR: It breaks your heart when an athlete is injured like that.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Toronto salutes Boston, city of Bravery, Brawn, Brains and Beans and Lettuce.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: We are all Boston Beans today.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Fucking hate terrorists.
@TOPDOGMAOR: White or brown terrorists? Send in your votes!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Should decide this once and for all on the football grid, like men!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Who is your favourite football player? Free parking spot to person who submits best answer.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Authorities saying bomb was made from Crock Pot full of nails and BBs.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Like my Crock Pots to be full of chili. LOL.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Can’t believe they canceled Bruins-Pens game. Must be very serious situation.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Toronto, you are safe, I am at the helm.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Probably won’t go to Florida this week, but if I do, contact: councillor_dford@toronto.ca in case of emerg.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: So many heroes. Like that guy in the cowboy hat.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Free lifetime parking spot in Toronto for guy in cowboy hat!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: He is a cowboy, on a steel horse he rides! Guns N’ Roses, man, Guns N’ Roses.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Suspects in bombing ID’d!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Wouldn’t want to be wearing white ball cap in Beantown today!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Hope Ben Afflect makes movie about this. Argo ruled!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Now donning Red Sox baseball cap in honour of victims. Suggest you do the same.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Send poison in the mail to this Mayor, expect a world of trouble.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Elvis impersonator terrorists, I am watching you.
@TOPDODMAYOR: Some cop killed in wild shootout at Harvard!!!
@ TOPDOGMAYOR: Evil doers carjack classy Mercedes and knock-off 7-11!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: It’s like a Tarrantino flick. Completely fucking awesome.
@TOPDOFMAYOR: Heart goes out to family of fallen hero.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Hope guy with cowboy hat gets involved and kicks ass!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Really like to see Uma Thurman character involved, too.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Not a movie, but feels like movie.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: HUGE FUCKING SHOOT-OUT IN BEAN TOWN!!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: One Borat guy now dead, looking for other!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: All of Boston shut down! Fucking love Boston!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Love to be mayor of Boston. Got big, brass balls!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Dead guy was athlete. Shame when athlete dies young, even if terrorist athlete.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: @Dougford Can’t delete last Tweet. WTF???
@TOPDOGMAYOR: MAYOR FORD DOES NOT CONDONE TERRORISM IN ANY FORM, EVEN BY ATHLETES.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Other Borat now hiding in boat. On land. What a moron!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Interesting. Boston seems to be doing fine without mass transit. Must be saving a shitload.
@TOPDOGMAYOR: No vowels in the Borat names. Weird. How do you say them??
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Little Borat captured!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Great day for Boston, great day for freedom!!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: Bet they riot in streets in celebration! Love to be there!! Go Boston!!!
@TOPDOGMAYOR: USA!!USA!!!USA!!!
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If Nike were a politician, it would be Rob Ford.
He just does it.
If you’re one of his constituents and you need something resolved, you should just drop Rob an email, because he’s a man who will take the bull by the horns and go to the matt for the ordinary Joe.
What follows is a recent correspondence between a citizen and the Mayor:
From: Stephen Anderson
Sent: Wednesday, October 10, 2012 02:16
To: Robfootball@toronto.ca
Subject: Unacceptable and unprofessional behaviour by a Royal Taxi driver (Plate 1736)
This morning, at approximately 1:30 am, a Royal Taxi (Toronto Taxi plate number 1736) picked me up on Front Street. The cab displayed a sticker indicating that they accept Interac payment. The ride was uneventful. At my destination, St. Clair West and Bathurst, the driver claimed his payment machine was “not working” and refused to shut off the meter while driving me to an ATM to pay him, which incurred me additional fees since the ATM was not my home bank.
This has been a repeating problem with many taxi drivers lately, and it is unacceptable. I would like you to look into this please. The driver should have informed me at the time of pickup that he did not have a working payment machine and let me decide whether to board his vehicle.
Thanks,
Stephen Anderson
Dear Steve-O:
Let me tell you, this sort of crap really gets under my skin.
Dude LIED to you!
Me and a couple of my staff-buddies have spent the better part of the day tracking this crook down and his name is something like Makebed, and he’s one of those guys who isn’t really a Canadian. I called him on the phone but I guess I got one of his wives. She was all, “ No speakie, no speakie!!” so I just yelled at her for ten minutes, making sure she knew it was “Mayor Goddamn Ford bringing the hammer!” It’s an intimidation thing I learned playing high school football. If you’re mixed-up with your words but you still want to be understood, you just fucking yell. Honestly S-dawg, it’s helped get me where I am today.
I’m going to guess that if you yelled at Makebed then this whole problem would have gone away, but maybe you’re small or gay or something, and so you’ve done the right thing by bringing the problem straight to the top, to the Big Dog, Rob Ford.
Anyway, I’ve got my staff working on deporting the guy from the city. I don’t want criminals driving cars in my town. If you think you can come into this city and rip off real Canadians, well, you got another thing coming, and Makebed, taxi plate number 1736, is going to get an awful lot of special attention from the city, if you know what I mean. (Just got back from fact finding trip to Chicago and learned a lot about stuff like this)
Anyhow, it’s nearly 8:00, so I’m finishing up and heading out for some beers and shots– if you want to join me and the boys( NO HOMO!) we’ll be upstairs at the Tilted Kilt on The Esplanade. They got the hottest waitresses in town. Boobs everywhere, it’s a Breastaurant, bro, and if they know you, they’ll charge you the regular price for the Super Sporran sized portions.
Ready, set, hut!
Rob Ford
PS: I’ll teach you how to yell. No charge, buddy, no charge– I work for you!
]]>The most recent assault on Toronto’s foremost public servant comes from the Toronto Transit Commission. The other day a streetcar driver accosted Mayor Ford, accusing him of driving his Minivan (identified by the license plate “ROBFORD”) past the open front doors of the city vehicle.
This is a short, one-act play called Third And Long, (commission by Ford supporters) based on recent events.
THIRD AND LONG
Entitled unionized employee who is lazy and breaking regulations: (Rushing out of streetcar to accost Rob Ford as he sits in his car listening to motivational tapes while waiting for the light to change.) “Hey piggy Mayor, your mama so fat when she gets a cut she bleed milkshakes, she so fat she sells shade in the summer. You a fat motherfucka! “
Mayor Ford: “Pardon me, sir?”
Entitled unionized employee who is lazy and breaking regulations: “ Your politics suck ma dick, and I say you drove past my open doors! You front page, fattie!”
Mayor Ford: “I have to disagree with you, but if you like we can proceed through the proper channels to have this matter resolved.”
Lesbian on streetcar with social disease and unpleasant tattoos: (Leaning through the window and shaking her fist)“ I sawz him! He was speeding like he done something wrong! Maybe he kilt somebody!”
Mayor Ford: “ I’m just here to serve the people in the best way that I can, and if any of you have any questions, I’ll be happy to answer them.”
(At this point Mayor Ford parks his vehicle, pays the meter and gets on the streetcar, paying his three dollars.)
Mayor Ford: “Toronto has the best public transit in the entire world! I’m probably much better taking it than driving and it’s also nice to get to chat with my fellow Torontonians! How are you Miss?!”
Indian woman in Muslim costume with baby who is different colour than she is: “I come from other country! Where my money! You supposed to feed my baby I make from crazy drug sex!”
Mayor Ford: (Smiling) “You have a lovely child there, she could grow up to be Mayor, you know.”
Person in wheelchair taking up way too much room: “ My disability isn’t enough! Give me more!!”
Mayor Ford: (Taking a knee to get closer to the person) “I feel your pain and will personally look into your case to see if I might improve matters!
NDP Party member and supporter of Occupy Wall Street who is playing bongos in back of the streetcar: “ Your family is ugly!”
Mayor Ford: (laughing in a good-natured manner) “Oh, we’re just big-boned!”
Faggy drug addict with a nose bleed: “ You’ve been running this city as if it was a suburban country club, ignoring the needs of those with the greatest need, why won’t you help us?”
Mayor Ford: “ Your words are daggers into my heart. You are all my children, (opening his arms expansively) my constituents, and I want nothing more than to help you by teaching you to help yourselves!”
And then Mayor Ford hands out Scratch And Win lotto tickets to all the passengers on the streetcar, the people, HIS people, now applauding and cheering as he drives away in his Minivan to visit with wounded troops.
