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Hello America!!
I am Melania, the luckiest woman in the world, and I am so happy to be here before you!
Why, you might ask, am I the luckiest woman in the world?
Is it because I am beautiful?
Is it because of my gorgeous dress and luxurious jewelry?
Is it because I am like champagne?
Is it because I am so very rich and famous I never have to wait in line?
Is it because I speak five languages?
Is it because I am white?
(Wait for enthusiastic screaming to subside)
NO!
It is because I am married to the greatest man in the entire world, Donald Trump.
Donald is the perfect husband. He has bought me so many wonderful things! He is so smart and such a great negotiator, and he loves America so much! He wants America to be the best, like him. He wants America to be #1 again!
(Wait for applause)
Thank you for your applause, you are such a classy audience, so very classy!
(Wait for applause)
Some people, some very bad people, say that I copied my last speech from a black woman. This is monkeyshines! I would never do such a thing. I am innocent and I will sue!
(Wait for cheering and celebratory gunshots to cease)
Thank you America, thank you!
Donald Trump, the next President of the United States and author of the hit bestseller The Art of the Deal, is not just my husband, but also my lover.
Yes, and let me tell you, he is as good at making love as he is at making deals!
(Crowd goes wild)
My lover is also tough on terror!
He will not tolerate it!
He will fire it like a bad apprentice!
With Donald you will always feel secure because you know that if any terrorists, or some loser country, were to try any monkeyshines, he would destroy them.
(Pretend to be a sexy cowboy/stripper shooting a gun)
He would. It would be no joke.
(Wag finger)
Let me ask you beautiful Americans, who does Hillary Clinton reminds you of?
Ha, yes, she does remind me very much of an old Jew!
Who else does she remind you of?
Yes, a lesbian for sure! She has no fashion sense, no class. She dresses like a box.
A hag robot! Yes!
And of course, yes, a serial killer. It is in her eyes, the killing.
So many horrible things she reminds us of, so, so many horrible things!
In closing I want to say that Donald Trump is a beautiful, beautiful man. So rich and so successful and so sexy. Not only does he live the American dream, he is the American Dream, and he will restore the American dream for all of you beautiful patriots.
I love you, America, open carry for all, and remember to follow the next President of the United States @realDonaldTrump!
This is the email that I received from them:
“You feel the terror Murray? It come for you.
Your blog is no good. It is the worst and a great offense to all. You must stop your mediocre immediately or we will rain fire hell down upon you, making all your secret public. You like for that? We think not. If you post one more stupid thought piece on something you know-nothing, or write long, bad joke sketch, we drop bomb on your world! “
I am not the type to be cowed by terrorists, so the very next day I posted a dating advice column for prisoners as written by Charles Manson. It was fucking hilarious. If we don’t have humour, we have nothing. The terrorists will not take humour away!!
The response from the Guardians of Peace was swift and unequivocal. They changed the passwords of my fantasy hockey teams, thus locking me out and putting me at a VERY serious competitive disadvantage within my leagues.
I admit, that really hurt, but the next day I posted this photograph and caption, just to show them that I wasn’t cowed by their schoolyard bullying and that if it was a fight they wanted, well, it was a fight they were going to get.
Yippee ki yay mother fucker.
Their response:
“You real cracker jack. You dirty apple pie. Have you checked ugly blog today?”
This was the blog:
This is Michael Murray Stupid Blog:
Password folder: all passwords = IamExcellent#1
Banking: $59.80
Credit: $13.46
Investments: $828.03 USD $0.00
Total: CDN$901.29 USD $0.00
Excerpts from email:
From Michael Murray to Brodie Bigold: “ Really, your last name is French?!? I fucking hate the French!”
From Michael Murray to Phillippe Zeller, Ambassador to France: “We used to have a cheap ass chain department store in Canada called Zeller’s. You know what happened to them? They went out of business. You know what will happen to France? Out of fucking business.”
From Michael Murray to Jessica Simpson: “Why weren’t you included in the great celebrity nude sex photo thefts? You should have been. I mean, I wouldn’t have looked because I respect your privacy and wouldn’t want to violate you unless you were willing to be violated and stuff, but I’m just saying, you really should have been included. The Fappening just wasn’t what it should have been without you.”
Brilliant Idea Box
–Come up with game like Cards Against Humanity, make millions, see Jessica Simpson perform live.
–Make app that can tell when waitress is flirting with you
–Write think piece on what it’s like to be black in America
–Buy book on magic and then apply new knowledge to everyday life
Netflix queue:
- The Hillz
- Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous
3.Down Periscope
4.Wild Hogs
5. A Night at the Roxbury
6. Failure to Launch
7. Season Three of Dawson’s Creek
8. Season Four of Dawson’s Creek
9. Demolition Man
10. Spice World
Potential Tweets
I wouldn’t wait in line for anything! ( add example)
Don’t you hate poseurs! ( make more subtle)
Writing. #GoingWell
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Here are some other celebrity endorsements that Rob Ford has recently received:
“Rob Ford and I see eye to eye on many issues, and let me tell you, there is nobody on the planet who is bigger supporter of the NFL than that man. Toronto deserves a team, and I would proudly wear their colours once my suspension is up.”
–Ray Rice, suspended Baltimore Ravens running back
“Send Rob Ford all your pitiful candidates for mayor, he will humiliate them everywhere, and God willing, he will raise the flag of Ford Nation over Toronto!
–ISIS leader and press officer
“The man knows quality and understands both the free market and the threat of the Chinese. I wish that there were two of him so that one could be mayor of New York City.”
–Donald Trump, real estate agent and Twitter user
“A stand-up guy who never sold fakes. If you got a celebrity nude from Rob Ford, you knew it was the real deal.”
–Originalguy, screen name of the person responsible for the celebrity nude leaks on 4Chan
“Ford is tough on crime because he really understands crime. He knows what it’s like to be on the front lines. That’s the kind of man you want leading your city. I endorse Rob Ford for mayor of Toronto.”
–Darren Wilson, Ferguson police officer
“Nobody cares more about black people than Rob Ford. He is a visionary and he should know that a cross on his chest drawn in oil will protect him from all enemies.”
–Joseph Kony, leader of the Lord’s Resistance Army
“When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat. Rob Ford is Toronto’s flowering zucchini plant. He is a treasure.”
–Gwyneth Paltrow
Like Andy Kaufman before him, Ford has the ability to create and live in the Venn Diagram overlap between the fiction circle and reality circle. Ford seems happy there, with the rest of us staring on in bewilderment, uncertain if what we’re witnessing is self-aware performance art or the Frankenstein id of some moron bully unleashed upon the world. Currently, Ford’s in the midst of what might be his masterpiece, his descent (with brother Doug and brother Randy) into Hollywood where he was rumoured to be attending the Oscar’s and is to appear on the Jimmy Kimmel show on Monday night.
Last night, while the Academy Awards were taking place, Ford was at the Kimmel party blogging fashion commentary on what the stars were wearing:
Pharrel
Look how small Pharrel is! I tell you, he never would have made the high school football team and if he dared to show up at school in that sissy outfit, we would have beat the crap out of him. I love that Robin Thicke video he’s in, though. Crazy hot.
Jennifer Lawrence
She’s a pretty girl, this one, but I have to say I’d have preferred if she passed on the Dior gown and wore that naked blue get-up she had on in the X-Men. You know what I loved about the name of that character, Mystique? Name of a stripper, and as she was always nude, it was perfect! Mystique was way hotter than any of the chicks from Avatar! Anyway, even with clothes on JLaw definitely deserves an Oscar for best boner!
Jared Leto
Okay, this guy played a sort-of-girl in a movie, so that’s why he has the long, Jesus hair, but that red bow tie? Trying WAY too hard. Why not a simple NFL tie, say a good working class team like the Cleveland Browns? That way he could make a statement, “Yeah, I might have long hair and play a rainbow in a movie, but I still like football!” and could still be an action hero or a guy who steals cars in his next movie. It’s weird what actors will do. You couldn’t pay me enough money to play a woman, even though I have tremendous respect for them and really value them as people and hope that they come out to vote and support Ford Nation on October 27th!
Glenn Close
Has the appearance of a retired tennis player, somebody who would make you take off your ball cap when you went in her house. A real buzz kill. Looks like she’s going to a funeral, but she might be holding a flask in her left hand so maybe she’s still cool.
Lupita Nyong’o
She’s a string bean, but look at those arms! Really toned. I bet she’d make a great wide receiver or defensive back. She probably runs just as fast as hell. I’m glad that slave movie did well. Many of my voters come from slave people. Looks like she’s wearing Prada to me.
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@michaelmurrayca I’m 20 rows from the front, dead centre. Eye of the storm, baby, eye of the storm.
@michaelmurrayca Oprah just took stage to sound of delirious fans. Tried to give her my manuscript but failed. Awkward moment.
@michaelmurrayca No, not failed. Just given another opportunity to build my life.
@michaelmurrayca “You honour me by being here,” Oprah says, “Real question is why are you here?”
@michaelmurrayca “Love tittie shows!” I yell. Unsophisticated crowd doesn’t appreciate joke.
@michaelmurrayca Feminazis everywhere. VERY sour looks.
@michaelmurrayca “As small girl, grandma said I had to learn to hang clothes for the life I would have. Inside voice said no.”
@michaelmurrayca Blahblahblahblahblah #Oprahmanuscripthater
@michaelmurrayca There are like 8 Asian people in the crowd.
@michaelmurrayca Wonder what’s up with that.
@michaelmurrayca Could it be that the Asians hate Oprah????
@michaelmurrayca Oprah says she was Miss Fire Prevention at 16. “I could out talk those Southern girls.
@michaelmurrayca Oprah thinks she’s better than Southern girls. #Dixiechickswillwritesongaboutthis
@michaelmurrayca “Nothing is happening willy-nilly to you. You’re creating your own life.”
@michaelmurrayca Three women behind me just started to cry.
@michaelmurrayca One of them is really letting it go. Worried she might lose control of her bladder.
@michaelmurrayca Just looked behind me, major sobber has Oprah tattoo on her calf.
@michaelmurrayca O is part comedian, part actor, part preacher, part big sister and all woman!!
@michaelmurrayca Funny, self-deprecating and riveting. Crowd is completely enthralled.
@michaelmurrayca Best. Storyteller. On. Planet.
@michaelmurrayca Important to note Oprah has great hair today, cascading curls. Also, purple sparkly dress with contrasting purple shrug.
@michaelmurrayca I would fucking follow that woman into war.
@michaelmurrayca Would fight in mud.
@michaelmurrayca Oprah is like a black Dolly Parton.
@michaelmurrayca Would fight like hell for Dolly Parton, too.
@michaelmurrayca Swear to God they just did something to make place smell like pumpkins and vanilla.
@michaelmurrayca Going to note that in my gratitude journal. Grateful for pumpkin/vanilla scent.
@michaelmurrayca “My dream is to be able use my life to touch yours. To live on the edge of glory and sit with you.”
@michaelmurrayca People are going crazy, like she took her top off or something.
@michaelmurrayca If she wanted to touch my life, why not take manuscript???? #Oprahcaughtinlie
@michaelmurrayca “Sit. Feast on your life.” Fade to black and Oprah shouts “Ottawaaaaa” as pulsing beat starts and standing ovation.
@michaelmurrayca Then she gives away her Manolo Blahniks. Just took em off and put gold and diamond slippers on. Asked who in audience is size 10.5 and voila!
@michaelmurrayca Pretty sure Oprah feet must smell like pumpkin and vanilla.
* I must note that Ottawa Citizen megastar Louisa Taylor @louisataylorCIT was also live Tweeting the Oprah event and that as it turns out, I Tweeted maybe some of the exact same thing that she did, almost as if I wasn’t there at all. But no worries, our legal system will sort it all out!
]]>“Oh, I just feel like stretching, really and thought you might like to sit down, and of course, I am a very, very classy man.”
“No, you’re not. I see the way you’ve been looking at that black girl over there.”
This took me aback.
“What?” I asked.
“Don’t give me that,” she said.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Oh, you know exactly what I’m talking about,” she pointed to a young woman sitting about 10 yards away. “Her, the one with the tits. I bet you just wanted to give me your seat so you could get closer to her, get a better look, eh?”
“ Jesus,” I said, “I wasn’t looking at her, I didn’t even know she was there.”
I sat back down in the seat.
“You’re at least twice her age. You could be her FATHER,” the woman declared.
Across from me a woman pulled a Kleenex from her purse and dabbed at the conjunctivitis that had taken hold of her left eye, and just over her shoulder her sat a woman of about 60 who had a look of abject defeat and exhaustion to her. Her arms were crossed over her chest and she had what must have been hundreds of old, cutting scars on them. Her hair was colourless and she seemed so spent on this planet as to be virtually a ghost.
The woman who did not want my seat looked back at me.
“What is it with middle-aged white guys and black girls, anyway? I mean, really? You think you have a chance?
“Look,” I said, “ I wasn’t looking at anybody. I’m happily married. I’m just a guy sitting on a subway, a guy who made the huge, terrible mistake of offering you his seat.”
I gave the woman a hard look, inviting her to say something else.
She looked like she was going to say something, but then she bent down, picked a penny up off the floor, put it in a plastic baggie and then moved along to the next car.
]]>As I’m not much of a gambler, I was just standing around watching some low stakes cards at a poker table. It was more like an Ex for people with addictions than it was a James Bond film–mindlessly repetitive, ugly in an everyday way and tinged with a bit of desperation. I just stood there hoping not to look too conspicuously like an Out-Of-Towner-Who-Is-A-Little-Scared-Of-Your-City.
After a moment or two a black man in a flashy sweater approached me.
Man: I got to say, that hat really looks good on you.
Me: Thanks, I love it.
The man then shook his head and put his hands on his hips.
Man: No, I don’t much compliment men, so this doesn’t come easy to me, but you really own that hat, man!
Me: Well, I like your sweater!
As I was saying this I sent a text to Rachelle:
Text to Rachelle: The Detroit Brothers really dig my style.
Man: You got some confidence to dress like that, boss!
Me: Well, my wife picked it out for me. She’s a designer– good at hockey, too.
Man: Your lady plays hockey?
Me: She has a wicked shot, great power forward.
Man: You Canadians and you’re hockey, man!
Text from Rachelle: Who are the Detroit Brothers?
Text to Rachelle: Black people!!!
As fate would have it the wife of the guy who liked my hat was sitting at the table right in front of us. She was pulling crumpled ones and fives out of her purse and handing them to the dealer. She turned and faced her husband with a look of surprise on her face.
Wife: Where you been at? I haven’t seen you in 10 hours, don’t you think its right that you come and check on me, maybe be bring me a drink or something?”
Man: (Looking incredulous and spinning around to include me in the conversation.) Where have I been? Where have you been at?! If you’re asking me where I’ve been for the last ten hours, then shouldn’t I be asking you the same question? (Directly to me) Can you believe it?
Me: Don’t get me involved.
Text from Rachelle: What are you doing? Stop it!
Wife: You shouldn’t just be leaving me alone all night. You never know what’s going happen. I’m special.
Man: I can be damn sure you ain’t gonna win nothing.
Text to Rachelle: I’m mediating a domestic dispute at a poker table.
His wife gave her husband the finger and then she sucked it.
Text from Rachelle: Did you just say to them the truth isn’t two-sided, it’s round?
Text from Me: Yes, but I added nigga.’
Me: Well, as they say, the truth isn’t two-sided, it’s round.
Wife: (Looking directly at me in that way) Have you been hitting the pipe? You got crack teeth, I can see that, so you best be minding your own business. I’m trying to play here, understand?
Man: You see what she’s like?
Me: (To woman) My teeth are like this because of chemotherapy, not crack, okay?
Text from Rachelle: Pickle, I’d really like it if you left the casino now and came to the hotel room.
Wife: I don’t care what they from, they be NASTY.
Man: (Facing his wife) You know what’s nasty, you’re nasty!
She looked at him, put her cards down on the table and stood up.
Wife: Oh no you didn’t.
The man waved her off and walked away, and I decided, as Rachelle had suggested, to just return to the hotel room, where for reasons I still don’t quite understand, I told her that I had won $85.
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