Dear Michael:

I think you know just how much Caleb and I love you. We think you’re one of the most unique, misunderstood people that we have ever met, which is why this is so terribly awkward and difficult for us, but we are sorry to say that we can no longer host you at our wedding on April 13th. We thought carefully about it, and after you wrote in, “ A St**k sure would be nice!” when asked if you would rather have ‘Tofu Banh Mi Sliders’ or ‘Vegan Cauliflower Tacos with Chipolte Cream’ for your meal at our fully vegan wedding, Caleb and I realized we simply could not host murderers on our sacred day. There is nothing funny about killing, and we cannot start our official life together by compromising our ethics. We simply will not do it.

I recently started a business in which I provide sexual misconduct apology letters for a wide variety of clients. If you need a sexual misconduct apology letter, please consider my affordable and highly effective services. Here are some excerpts of work I have done for various clients:

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1. It is with great anguish that I heard of that lady’s recollection about our night together in 1991. While her memory of that evening is very different from mine, it is now clear to me that her feelings of fear and intimidation are real. After all, I am a powerful Alpha male with many yachts and yes-men. However, in spite of this I have never been unusually violent, although I have been thoughtless and insensitive in some of my relationships over my many decades of sexual activity, and I sincerely and humbly apologize for accepting any blowjobs that were given out of ambition rather than love.

I am an ally to women everywhere.

2. Recently, there has been a little bit of coverage about some of my past behaviour in the “news.” I have made many mistakes and I am so very sorry that I have disappointed my friends, family, fans and beautiful team. My behaviour was wrong and there are no excuses. Although it is very difficult at the top, I take full responsibility for whatever my actions were, because that’s what a leader and Master Chef does.

Sharing the joys of Italian food with all of you each week is an honour and privilege. Without the support of all of you—my fans—I would never have a forum in which to combat the scourge that is sexual misconduct, so I want to thank you for giving me an opportunity to advance the cause for women all over the world. And in case you’re searching for a holiday-inspired breakfast, especially the mother’s out there, this link to Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls are a fan favourite!

3. As a college student on staff at a church in Texas more than 20 years ago, I regretfully had a sexual incident with a female high school senior in the church. At the time I thought ******’s form fitting sweater was a sign that my sexual gratification was God’s will. I see now that this wasn’t true, and that her sweater and strawberry lip gloss were in fact the devil’s beguiling handiwork. I sinned, Holy Spirit, I sinned, and I humbly ask if you would take this prayer and touch ******’s heart in the way that only you can and heal her of the pain that was caused from this sin 20 years ago. #Metoo #Timesup #IBelieveEve

4. Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. I have hired three lovely assistants to coach me in this endeavour, and have quit kite surfing in Barbados in order to better focus my energies on the important task at hand. The last two days have forced me to take a very hard look at all of my surviving sex tapes, and I see now that I was not acting the way a leading ally to women should have acted. I am very sorry, and ask all of those feeling pain to please apply this coupon code for a 15% discount on your next Cineplex experience!

Day 1:

Spent half the goddamn day looking for the thing. Turns out Lupita put them in my desk drawer. Never know what that woman is thinking. I don’t hate illegals or anything, but I think she might be stealing from me. Why would she hide magic glasses unless she didn’t want me to see what she was up to?

Day 2:

Had soup.

Chunky Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables.

Came out of microwave way too hot.

Glasses failed to respond to voice command, “Soup, cooler!”

Very disappointing.

Day 3:

Found on button.

Day 4:

Magic glasses allow me to watch TV in my head. Barack Obama continues to destroy the nation with his socialism. Clint Eastwood doesn’t want or need any help from the government. Government, just get out of my damn way!

Also, squirrels making a mess out of the backyard. I won’t need any government intervention to handle this one.

Day 5:

Heard something about that new pope washing the feet of juvenile delinquent girls. Don’t like the sounds of that. Isn’t the Pope just supposed to wash man feet? What the hell has Easter become? Thank God baseball’s started.

Couldn’t find glasses again, then later discovered I was wearing them. Fell asleep early.

Day 6:

Wore magic glasses on shopping expedition to get a heating pad. Woman at the cash was making a big deal about me being ‘the famous Clint Eastwood.” Hate big womanly fusses. She kept asking me to point my finger at her and say, “Do you feel lucky, Rose?” Glasses failed to weaponize upon command and so I just left without buying heating pad.

Very dissatisfied with glasses—Rose still alive, not even wounded, no heating pad and vision hasn’t improved.  Google, I’m no longer going to play your game.

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Heidi just found out she adopted.

Not huge surprise to Heidi.

Pretty obvious, really. Heidi VERY fast and pretty and have four legs. Fraud parents VERY slow and homely and have two-legs. Heidi smell their lies miles away, that why she never obey them. Truth is Heidi very, very relieved to find out not blood-relatives, would bring great shame to Heidi if this pack her real family. But what throw Heidi for a loop is that she have brothers and sisters! Heidi sure she only one! But no, Heidi come from big litter and have two surviving brothers and one sister!  This blow Heidi mind! She thought she alone in universe!

Heidi eldest brother named Dolphin and live in Toronto.

Heidi no know why called Dolphin. VERY stupid name. Dolphin fish name, not dog name!! Heidi no want to see him for having such stupid name, but Heidi good dog, so she go anyway! Turns out he live with hippy in Kensington Market and have dread in fur! Retard dog who eat nothing but avocado! Heidi hate Dolphin! Think Dolphin have drug problem, too.

Heidi other brother named Angus and he live with old woman who drive around on scooter.  

Angus fat!!! Must weigh 40 pounds! He wheezes, can’t play fetch or jump on sofa and smell like infected squirrel! He disgusting!

Make Heidi wonder if her life could have turned out that sad. Then Angus tried to hump Heidi, so Heidi pin him and going to rip out throat when everybody start to yell, “NO HEIDI, NO, BAD DOG!!” Heidi bad dog? Heidi call bullshit on that! Heidi so grossed-out she lick herself for two days trying to get clean after meeting Angus! Rather be related to cats than my retard brothers!

Heidi sister named Helen and younger than Heidi, by two minutes or something stupid. Helen live in expensive part of town and go to country estate on weekends. Helen been to Japan. Big wow. Heidi have her own bowl for water.

Like Heidi, Helen very fast runner. Heidi hate to say it, but Helen good at fetch and digging. When Helen goes for walk with master’s servant, Helen wear little coat with weight in it so she stay in better shape. Eats nothing but organic tuna. Heidi think she very much hate Helen. Hate Helen more than Dolphin times Angus.

Helen live with other Dachshund named Hans. Helen say things like, “Oh Heidi, ignore the stats, a dog your age can still find love!” Heidi want to rip Helen face off and wear it as mask.

(Stoopid painting of Helen and Hans like they King and Queen of world.)

Heidi see Hans looking at her.

Heidi know what on Hans mind.

Heidi ready to accommodate Hans.

Heidi accommodate Hans right in front of stupid Helen!

Heidi hate dog family!

Just as I was about to move forward and pay for my items an old woman stepped wordlessly in front of me in the line. I looked down and saw that she had left her basket on the floor there before me. She dropped a few items into it and made a point of avoiding eye contact with me before pointing her chin up and away in a haughty, indifferent way. It irritated me a little bit, the way that these types of things do, and I watched her. Her hair was touchingly dyed the way that all grandmothers seem to colour their hair and the paint on her fingernails was chipped and fading, her fingers bent and swollen. On the back of each hand was a small, gauze bandage that had been taped into place by a nurse, little, island bruises spreading out from beneath— the signs of chemotherapy. When she left the store she got into a red Sentra that was idling in front, and sat down and smiled as if relieved. Her daughter or granddaughter, the woman who was driving, also smiled and they drove off, the old woman now happy, her basket full of the vegetables she need to make that special dish for her family who still remained.

Heading home I passed a beautiful young woman. The sunlight caught her hair and her cheeks were pinched  a healthy rose by the autumn. Her right leg was in a brace and she used a cane to help as she threw one side of her body in front of the other, heaving up the street toward the subway, beauty and sadness falling indiscriminately upon the world around us.