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Adega

128 Palomino Drive

San Francisco

415. 866. 2014 (Reservations recommended)

The fish’s head, with eyes as gleamy as Brigitte Bardot staring up at you from the beach, the waves washing against her legs like the breath of angels that always knew your name and your love and your god, and the hot yes and now of it,

had been set on the bottom of the bowl so that it looked up at you as if asking you the question you always knew that one day you were to be asked, and beside it the chef had placed another piece of trout, this one rolled with herbs and sea salt and smoked just to the point of ruby-hued doneness, like a sunset fallingfallingfalling and then rising, now within. It was one of the most exquisite things I ate last year, and I would return to Adega in an explosive, radiant, madly speeding BOOM. Highly recommended.

New Town Coffee House

98 Madison Avenue

Chicago, Illinois

(Phone number not available)

Careening into the New Town Coffee House the first thing that struck me was how the sunlight exploded and ran about the place like a mad, dizzy child hungry for the face of God. Hungry? Yes, all my life hungry, hungry for it all and more, hungry for her hair curling around her chin hungry for the broken promises and the industrial man hungry for all the images through all time spinning like daisies, hungry for a grilled cheese sandwich? Yes, Please! I ordered one straight away, my need for it an electrical current ripping through my body like sex, but I had to wait, I had to wait, I had to travel back in time, to the cow before the cheese, to the wheat before the bread and it was too long it was too damn long and so I spun out of there flashing flashing flashing.

Here are a couple of book synopses that I’ve prepared for my publisher:

“Duke Miller and the mystery of the over-spiced and runny eggs.”

Duke, a young American food critic, is the sort of man who always knows where he’s going. He’s not afraid to send food back or say something that he believes about homosexuals, even if it’s not politically correct to do so. Duke, combining the brash individualism of the US with the delicate sophistication of Europe, travels the world reviewing restaurants with his constant companion, a miniature pot-bellied pig named Clipper.

In this introductory novel, Duke encounters a plate of over-spiced and runny eggs while on a trip in France, and investigates the mystery of how this happened. I do not want to give away the ending, but a flashlight plays a key role in solving the mystery!

“Duke Miller and that hostess from Montreal.”

In this transitional book, Duke investigates his romantic feelings for Audrey, an older, seductive hostess from a Montreal bistro. However, it turns out that Audrey is not really in love with Duke but just wants to secure a good review for her restaurant, something that Clipper cottons on to long before Duke. In the end, ‘Ce Coeur De Mien’ gets the review it deserves and Duke and Clipper are once again set on their happy, wandering ways.

“Duke Miller and the mystery of why the coffee tasted like jalapenos.”

Set in the exotic local of Cuba, this novel features a sub-plot of a resort worker—Freddy– who wishes to escape the terrible food and totalitarian regime of Cuba. Duke, investigating the mystery of the coffee, stumbles upon Freddy, who was being forced by a mean, tourist-hating chef to grind hot peppers into the coffee beverage served at the resort. Duke, shocked, agrees to help Freddy escape. Things go well until Duke discovers Freddy is a homosexual, at which point Duke’s morals will no longer permit him to help.

Like the restaurant itself, the waitress working when I was there was easy to overlook. She wore her generic black and white server’s attire as if camouflage. Bespectacled and with practical black hair that obscured her features, she moved quickly, whether she was approaching a task or finishing one.  She avoided eye contact and wore make-up in the fashion of somebody who wasn’t accustomed to wearing make-up, as if it, too, were part of the disguise she had to wear for work.  Perfunctory and with her head down, she was a delivery system who offered up no clues as to what her life exterior to the restaurant might be like.

The place wasn’t very busy and she was getting off early. She cashed out quickly, without hanging around to have a glass of wine or something to eat the way that restaurant staff often does. In her friendless manner she hurried out the door, stopping when a homeless woman sitting on a milk crate said something to her.  They spoke for a moment or two and then the waitress took out her purse, gave the woman some money and then hugged her right there on the sidewalk. For nearly a minute they must have embraced, and then after having wiped away a tear the waitress left, moving into the rest of her unseen life.

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Ponderosa

By Dan

Fucking A.

The Ponderosa delivers like a goddamn steak mailman.

Unlimited chocolate milk? Unlimited awesome.

Love the swinging doors and bacon bits, and almost everybody working there was wearing a hairnet, so you know that they’re serious about their crap. I’d definitely go back. Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!

The Pink Dragon

By Keo

The food is very good here but I swear to God the place is haunted! I went down to the basement to use the bathroom and while I was washing my hands I saw a pale Asian man standing behind me in the mirror, but when I turned around there was nobody there. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but later I was told that the Pink Dragon was built on an old Chinese morgue and was known to be haunted. Apparently a dishwasher stabbed a cook to death there too, and after that they erected those lion-dog sculptures out front to ward off evil spirits. If you take a close look, you’ll notice that there’s no #9 on the menu, and this is because the cook was murdered on the 9th day of September, the 9th month of the year.

Der Speisewagon

By Anthony

Lauren and I used to go to Der Speisewagon together. It was kind of our place. Felt weird, sad-weird to be there alone. When Lauren and I were together German food seemed kind of fun, like a campy polka, but now it just seems blunt and obnoxious. I don’t really remember what I had, some sort of sausage and a shit ton of beer, I think, so you know, just not very memorable. Lauren, she’s memorable. She was my schnitzel.

Chuck E. Cheese’s

By Susan

Look, I know that this is a place for kids, but Jesus Fucking Christ! The food was awful, like garbage they dug out of a hole. Not even a drunk person could eat it. I ordered the “chicken sandwich,” and I am damn sure positive that what they served was not chicken. Maybe goat. Or squirrel. God knows. The staff was lobotomized and dirty, and the kids unsupervised savages. I saw one 6-year-old girl with hot, greasy cheese strands in her hair and two pepperoni slices covering her eyes. The plus side is that they sell beer. I had four. And then, drunk, I drove my son home, swearing to never, ever set foot in that accursed place again. The horror, the horror.

Le Paradis Bistro

08/013/13

Madeline X

I was at Le Paradis Bistro for dinner on Tuesday night. I travel an awful lot for work, so I dine out on my own quite a bit which is something I’ve really come to enjoy. It’s nice to be alone and anonymous, able to have a few unencumbered drinks and just people watch instead of being on guard of your personality. I suppose my dining standards have become pretty high over the years, but I have to say that Le Paradis really delivered, and at a great price. The steak frites, although nothing fancy, were entirely dependable, and the authentic bustle and atmosphere of the place, but for one woman, were great.

Across from me at the bar where I was eating was a couple. The man looked bored and like he had to play golf because his job required him to do so, and the woman was opinionated, dull and used to being rich. She was eating a pork chop that she dramatically described as, “succulent, so succulent,” and was going on about The Walking Dead as if she was the only person on the planet who had ever watched the show. She was just so bloody dull. Honestly, it seemed like ordering the pork chop was probably the best idea she had ever come up with in her life.

I despised her, and it was clear that her date did, too, because he kept looking over at me with an apologetic, sympathy-seeking look on his face. I liked his hands, and I kept looking over at him, too. Feeling stroppy, I asked the bartender if he would send her a drink (a zombie) on my behalf, accompanied with a note I’d written down on a piece of paper, “ Here, drink this, maybe it will make you more interesting.” When she looked at the note her face went really pale and then really red, and instead of saying anything she pretended that she had to make a phone call and scurried off to the washroom. While she was gone I asked her date if he wanted to leave with me. He said yes and we so we went.  I’d have to say Le Paradis is a lovely restaurant that I would give an 8 out of 10. I would definitely go back.

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Heidi never have resume. Always rely on looks, reputation and friends to get Heidi job, but world change! Now must be Linkedin and able to navigate social media! Heidi decide it time to make resume!

Heidi Resume

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Heidi.

Heidi good dog.

Very, very good dog.

Heidi very fast dog with excellent fetch skills. Can chase ball, cat, squirrel or flying two-leg cheat animal. When Heidi catch, Heidi show no mercy! Heidi kill and tear, Heidi Alpha! But in right situation, Heidi work well with pack, no have to be Alpha even though Alpha. Heidi facilitator, ambassador of self-esteem who always make pack stronger! Heidi versatile.

Heidi great at digging!

Heidi almost six and in her prime.

Heidi fixed.

Heidi good dog.

Very, very good dog.

Important for employer to understand Heidi barking skills. Heidi bark like war bomb explosion! Heidi bark like dinner bowl falling from great height! Heidi never stop! Heidi provide first-rate security for all employment needs! Heidi smell and hear anything, then barkbarkbarkbark!! Heidi fierce, mother of dragons!

Heidi hate cats. No work with cats. Cats deal breaker for Heidi.

Heidi have good appetite. Try anything! Be very good food critic. Here sample of Heidi work:

“Meat lasagna good! Heidi eat fast and lick plate! Four star!”

“French fry limp and without texture. Hit all wrong notes for Heidi. Where meat?!”

(More samples available upon request.)

Heidi very committed to all projects she start and always see it through. Heidi once chase moth in den of two-leggers for three days until Heidi kill and eat moth. Heidi extraordinary bug hunter. Talk of reality TV show, Heidi: Bug Hunter!! but fell through because Heidi agent stupid two-leg with ugly face!!

Special Achievements:

Heidi won New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest and was featured on Cute Overload. Heidi capture and kill bat.

Hobbies and Interests:

Squeak toys, scavenging, religion, bugs and conspiracy theories.

References:

Rusty.

Banjo.

Rex.

Heidi not all bark no bite.

Heid bite and bark.

Heidi real deal.

You be crazy not to hire Heidi.

Heidi make your tail wag!