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Big news in Toronto today is Alpha dog Mayor of Toronto city, Rob Ford, get chased out by pack! He fired!! Heidi will miss big Ford dog, face always looked like blood meat and Heidi always imagine he smell like pot roast! Very sexy!
Heidi not sure what he do, but think he didn’t share with pack properly. Top dog very tricky position. Must take what yours, but also must throw bone to pack so they continue to fight for you! Heidi Alpha dog. Heidi great Alpha dog who run fast and have beautiful shiny coat of fur! Heidi think she make great Mayor for city of Toronto!
Mayan Prophecy say world change on December 21, 2012. Usher in new age of consciousness. Very clear to Heidi that time for animal is now! Time for us to be free, shake off bondage of slave names like Rusty and Chip and Frito and rise up against two-leggers who always telling us when Good or Bad. We no need that! We know when we Good or Bad! Animals smart in body and brain! But animals Bipartisan! Know we must work with two-leggers for good of all.
Heidi now assembling team to put together campaign and working on platform.
Many things Heidi like to do in her time as Mayor.
Heidi ban all cars from downtown! Cars very dangerous. Cars can be used to take animals on fun trips to beach or forest! No windows in cars, no windows allowed on underground cars, either, and for every two-legged seat there must be two dog beds. It is Heidi law!!
Street lights and Hydro poles to be made of giant Pepperette sticks.
Heidi get two-legged scientist working on making green solutions for giant Peperette sticks. All pot holes in city streets to be filled with liver treats and roads to be paved with cheese. Balls everywhere. Toronto become known as Ball City. Ball friendly. Bring in lots of revenue from tourist dogs from States! Heidi fiscally responsible!
Heidi make all cats and squirrels slaves. Cats very lazy and cocky animal! Give animals bad name, need to learn discipline and work! Squirrels really, really irritating–always so nervous and fast! Very hard to catch, so Heidi make slaves. They can clean dog bowls.
Kill all the owls.
Heidi hate owls. Death from above. Ever notice eyeballs don’t move? Demon dinosaur birds! They move head in circle to watch you! Very, very creepy! Heidi kill all owls. Each week, public execution of owls! Good for moral for city pack!
Heidi put freeze on condo development and raise property tax by 2%. Dens cost too much in Toronto!
Heidi still looking for campaign slogan.
Vote For Heidi, Vote For Ball City!
Heidi Got Bark And Bite!
Vote For Heidi Pretty Dog.
Heidi: Hope For The Future!
Heidi: Every Dog Has Her Day!
Heidi: Kill All The Owls!
Heidi: For A Greener Tomorrow!
Heidi: Because Slaves Are Good Idea!
]]>He was just thinking of the kids.
At any rate, as many of you know, Rob Ford and I went to Carleton University at the same time and were last call drinking buddies. Although we’ve never had a sober conversation, we developed a strange but resilient friendship, one that sees us communicate to this day. Whenever one of us is drinking alone, we often go on-line to chat with one another, a sort of nostalgic slur back to the good old days.
Around 2:30 Monday morning, I got this message from Rob:
Rob: Hey fag!
Me: Slobber!
Rob: Just. Fucking. Love. Sunday.
Me: It’s a holy day.
Rob: This grizzly worships at the church of FOOTBALL!!! PARTYYYY!!!
Me: What’s your fav football movie? I think I like Against All Odds–Rachel Ward was hot!
Rob: She woulda made an awesome stripper. But I think it’s All The Right Moves that does it for me. Cruise has always been my man, and you get to see the mother from Back to the Future naked. Boner city!! Movie hit me right where it counts.
Me: Your bio should be called Rob Ford: All The Right Moves. And you should be in football gear on the cover with a couple of cheerleaders flanking you!
Rob: I should fucken’ hire you, Murray.
Me: Wanna do a shot?
Rob: Just did one!
Me: Me too!
Rob: High-five!!
Me: You following the US election?
Rob: I live in Romney City, little buddy, Romney City.
Me: You like the small government, eh?
Rob: Yeah, it’s not that I’m a racist. Blacks are fucking awesome at football and lots of the chicks are super hot, like that chick in Sin City, Roxanna Dawson. I would vote for her ass in a second!!!!!
Me: You’ve always had a soft spot for the ladies.
Rob: You mean hard spot! 
LOLOLOLLOO!!
Rob: You remember that waitress with the Montreal Canadiens tattoo on her neck?
Me: You mean stripper.
Rob: Yeah, she was black. I used to tip her real good.
Me: You’ve always been a class act slobber, just like you were with that football team you coach.
Rob: Couldn’t let ‘em wait after the game they put in, wouldn’t been right. The Mayor’s office gotta mean something, right?
Me: Yeah, you know, my wife wishes there were more chipmunks in Toronto, can you do anything about that?
Rob: Talk to a few people. Maybe deport some raccoons, bring in chipmunks. Make a chipmunk theme park, attract tourists– maybe make some chipmunk snack. Good idea, fagman, gonna get some people on it! Gonna grab another brew, c u soon!
As many of you know, Rob Ford and I went to Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time and were last call drinking buddies. Although we’ve never had a sober conversation, we developed a strange but resilient friendship, one that sees us communicate even to this day. Whenever one of us is drinking alone, we often go on-line to chat with one another, a sort of nostalgic slur back to the good old days.
At about 3:00 am on Saturday, as Toronto’s Nuit Blanche arts festival was winding down, I got this message from Rob:
The Mayor: Her Mur, you there? You go to the French thing last night?
Me: Rob! You mean Nuit Blanche?
The Mayor: Yeah, the farts festival.
Me: What were you doing there? You’re not a fart fan!
The Mayor: Who says?? BTFSPLK!!!! LOLOLO!! Hey, uever hit a raccoon with a rock?
Me: Tried to, but always missed.
The Mayor: Always threw like a girl, Murray! Honest to god, thought ur a fag until we went to that peeler together!
Me: Juicy Lucy’s.
The Mayor: Loved that place. Wanted Sylvie so baaaddd!!!
Me: What about the raccoon?
The Mayor: Pegged it right in the head, thing fell off the fire escape. I was a goddamn hero, but the press never runs those stories.
Me: Slobber, you should have been the quarterback.
The Mayor: Always the QB inside, Mur, u know that.
Me: So how was your night of arts?
The Mayor: Fuckin’ AWESOME!!!
Me: What’d ya see?
The Mayor: My brother and I dressed up as Droogs from a Clockwork Orange!! Got hammered!
Me: You gotta always hide from the press, eh?
The Mayor: Always wanted to be a Droog. Relate to the Droog. DROOOOOOGGG!!
Me: DROOOOOGG!!
The Mayor: We tipped over some shitter that some dick was in.
Me: He crossed the wrong fucking Droogs!
The Mayor: Ain’t that the truth! Doug and I were yelling at some chick to show us her tits and then this fancy Charlie got all feminazi on us so we taught him a lesson.
Me: You ‘da Mayor!!
The Mayor: Fuckin’ right, little buddy. And let me tell you, if that pirate girl Justin Trudeau runs for Prime Minisiter, I’m quitting this job and running against him. Show him what a real man smells like! Ford’s Fist, Fucker, Ford’s Fist. Outta Rye, catch ya later little buddy!
