FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS THE WHITE HOUSE GIFT SHOP IS OFFERING A FREEDOM DISCOUNT ON ALL PRESIDENT TRUMP MEMORABILIA!!
THAT’S RIGHT.
FREEDOM SAVINGS OF UP TO 15%!!
DON’T BE A LOSER, ACT FAST WHILE THE SAVINGS ARE STILL AT DEFCOM 5!!!
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NORTH KOREA PEACE SUMMIT COMMEMORATIVE COIN
This beautiful, exquisitely crafted, luxury coin commemorating President Trump’s historic meeting with Kim Jong-un has been slashed from $24.99 to $19.99!! Nothing says, “Screw you, elites!” like money, so get out there and buy some today!!
PRESIDENT TRUMP “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” BUCK KNIFE
This is a limited production of 25 knives only and features inlays of genuine Blue Lapis, and Red Jasper, with USA and the American Eagle engraved in polished brass bolsters, with a mirror polished blade and “TRUMP” Make America Great Again engraved in the handles. Comes to you in a beautiful Red White and Blue display box equipped for wall hanging.
Buck Knife $149.99
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP LIBERATING AMERICA FROM ROBOT TYRANNY BASEBALL HAT
Who can forget that fateful day when President Trump defeated Robot Supreme Commander ACLL-98 in a pay-per-view hand-to-hand spectacle that pulled in the greatest ratings of all time!?
Baseball hat with patch $49.99
Patch $ 9.99
“MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” ONE PIECE WOMAN’S BATHING SUIT
Make a huge splash poolside or at the beach this summer in this classy and flattering, little number!
Swimsuit $55.00
PRESIDENT TRUMP FIRING MEATLOAF FROM CELEBRITY APPRENTICE THROW CUSHION
Remember where you were when Donald Trump fired Meatloaf from Team Backbone! Commemorate this great moment when all of America swept aside their partisan differences and came together as one to watch as the man who would become the greatest President America has ever seen– under tremendous, huge ratings pressure– do the right thing for free enterprise and fire Meatloaf, with a luxury throw cushion or fridge magnet!
Throw cushion ( Bat Out of Hell background) $24.99
Throw cushion (Red, white and blue) $20.99 SOLD OUT!!!!
Fridge magnets $5.99
“FAKE NEWS” BRASS KNUCKLES
These beautiful and effective puncture-spiked brass knuckles are platinum plated and come with the words “Fake” and “News” etched into the receiving end of each one. Fight back against the tyranny of the media, while supplies last!!
Platinum plated “Fake News” Brass Knuckles $1999.00
NSFW “GRAB HER BY THE PUSSY” COMMEMORATIVE COIN
This sexy and stylish NSFW coin is a must have for all Playboys and students of history out there! President Trump, projecting the fun and flirty spirit of the Kennedy years, doesn’t just Make America Great Again, he makes her Swoon again!
Commemorative NSFW coin $49.99
One of the components of this event was that I was signing copies of my bestselling book A Van Full of Girls. In case the book has somehow escaped your attention, here are a few press clippings:
“ I thought it was fine, but it could stand for less swearing. Swearing doesn’t prove what a big man you are.”
—Barb Murray, Canadian mother
“Although I could not invest in Michael’s book project, I was struck by how courageous he was to put his thoughts down like that and then, in spite of the risk of public embarrassment and the terribly long odds of any sort of success, seek publication. So brave. We need more people with Michael’s spirit in Canada.”
—Arlene Dickinson, star of the CBC hit TV show Dragon’s Den
“ It’s just lie after lie after lie.”
—Doug Ford, Canadian businessman and politician
I have to say, and I’m giving you the straight-up truth here, the book really is a fucking game-changer.
You should buy it.
At any rate, while we were selling off our things, Margaret Atwood, who lives in the same area, happened upon us. I conducted a somewhat adversarial interview with her a few months ago for a magazine called The Knuckler, ( http://michaelmurray.ca/atwood-interview ) and as this took place via phone I was unsure if she knew who I was, but when she saw me at my little A Van Full of Girls kiosk, she approached.
Margaret Atwood: I’ve been surveying all your trinkets here, such a contrast amidst the grandeur of the neighbourhood. So sweet, so hopeful.
Me: Thanks.
Margaret Atwood: It’s like an archeological dig. Sifting through the debris you can see the arc of a life, the enthusiasm and ambition that inevitably crumbles into failure, and then finally the recognition of that failure and the selling off of all that had symbolized your hope.
Me: I’ll let you have the Six Million Dollar Man thermos for a buck.
Margaret Atwood: I don’t think so.
Me: Your loss.
Margaret Atwood: You seem to have an awful lot of unfinished self-help books for sale. Why is that?
Me: I don’t know, why is the Handmaiden’s Tale so much more popular as a TV show not written by you, than as a book written by you?
Margaret Atwood: Handmaid’s Tale, it’s Handmaid’s Tale.
Me: Oh. Sorry.
Margaret Atwood: This book, A Van Full of Girls? Are you the author?
Me: Yes. You should buy a copy. Support the arts.
Margaret Atwood: So tell me, how does self-publishing work these days?
Me: My book wasn’t self-published.
Margaret Atwood: Really!? How extraordinary. Typically you don’t seen an established author out on a front lawn selling his book from a knapsack. And look, you have so many copies! You must have at least 40!
Me: You know what? I also have an awful lot of Margaret Atwood books for sale over there, but people just don’t seem interested. One woman picked up a copy of Lady Oracle, showed it to her friend and said, “Barf.”
Margaret Atwood: (Gives withering look)
Me: (Imitates withering look)
Margaret Atwood left shortly after this exchange, but not before telling me that I should keep all the self-help books I was trying to sell, and buying, for reasons we can only imagine, a used The Very Best of Chris de Burgh LP.
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I’ve been lucky and my hard work has paid off, as in addition to my assembly line work I have been put in charge of all social media for The Box Factory. Up until now the Twitter account (@TheBoxFactory) has been used primarily as a way to establish and communicate factory culture to the employees, and while this will still be a part of our social media strategy, I hope to add an edge to our branding that will help take us to the next level.
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TheBoxFactory: BREAKING!!!! MASS SHOOTING AT THE BOX BARN!!!
TheBoxFactory: Witnesses say that boxes are covered in blood!!
TheBoxFactory: Although there are MANY disgruntled employees working at the Box Barn, Terrorism is most likely responsible!
TheBoxFactory: Authorities report that all boxes from the Box Barn are now considered potentially lethal!
TheBoxFactory: BOXES FROM THE BOX BARN CAN KILL YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES!!
TheBoxFactory: As The Box Factory stands against terror, we are now offering a 15% savings on all of our boxes!!
TheBoxFactory: Remember, after the horrors of 9/11 boxes played a vital role in fighting against terrorism!
TheBoxFactory: Boxes, North America’s unsung hero!
TheBoxFactory: Noble Box Factorians, remember to always wash your hands! A clean Box Factory is a happy Box Factory!
TheBoxFactory: To take your mind off the horrors taking place over at the BOX BARN, here’s a vintage Gift Box classic: https://vimeo.com/148932620
TheBoxBarn: @TheBoxFactory There has been no shooting at the Box Barn!! Everything is fine and our boxes are still the best in town!
TheBoxFactory: There goes the “Lyin’ Box Barn” again! Sad.
TheBoxFactory: Blocked.
TheBoxFactory: HACKED EMAIL FROM THE BOX BARN REVEALS IT IS A FRONT FOR A SEX SLAVERY RING!!
TheBoxFactory: 13 YEAR-OLD GIRL SAYS THE BOX BARN FORCED HER TO LIVE IN A SHODDILY MADE BOX AND HAVE SEX WITH OOZY MANAGEMENT!!
TheBoxFactory: Take our fun quiz and answer five easy questions to determine what kind of box you would be!!
TheBoxFactory: MASS SHOOTING NOW REPORTED AT BOX BONANZA! AUTHORITIES BELIEVE IT’S A COORDINATED TERRORIST ATTACK!!!
TheBoxFactory: Remember, The Box Factory is offering up to 15% off selected boxes for all customers effected by terror!!
TheBoxBonanza: @TheBoxFactory There has been no shooting here! You are lying!! You can’t do this!!
TheBoxFactory: Ha! There goes “Crooked Box Bonanza” again! So dishonest!
TheBoxFactory: The “Crooked Box Bonanza” is the real dick in a box!
TheBoxFactory: Love blocking trolls like “Crooked Box Bonanza” and “Lying Box Barn!” Such losers!
TheBoxFactory: The Box Factory condemns terror in all forms! NEVER will one of our boxes be involved in a terror attack!!
TheBoxFactory: The “Freedom Box Factory” only employs “real” North Americans like Billy, and can terminate any of them at a moment’s notice! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKmcs7ygJbs
TheBoxFactory: The “Freedom Box Factory,” making Boxes Great Again!
]]>(https://twitter.com/HeerJeet/status/529749811906764804 )
Impressed by his work and his form, I have also been experimenting with the Twitter Essay:
- Okay, let’s talk about Art Garfunkel.
- He was part of the influential 60’s duo Simon and Garfunkel who were responsible for so many classic hits.
- He had crazy hair that reminded me of big bird.
- Nobody thought he had any talent.
- I don’t think he wrote any songs, he just sang in that high voice.
- Does anybody out there know if he wrote any songs?
- No?
- Nobody knows?
- Okay.
- So, he probably didn’t write any songs, he just looked weird and sang like a woman.
- That was enough. It was the 60’s.
- I wonder if he got a lot of groupies?
- Does anybody know? Did anybody out there sleep with Art Garfunkel?
- No one willing to admit?
- Fair enough
- Does anybody else think Art Garfunkel looks like Rex Murphy?
17. Look at this picture:
18. Now look at this picture:
19. DEAD. FUCKING. RINGERS.
20. I hate Rex Murphy.
21. He talks like Russell Brand writes, and he’s always crabby.
22. CBC should fire him.
23. Truth be told, CBC should just clear the decks and fire everybody.
24. Art Garfunkel turns 73 today.
25. He’s a Scorpio, the sign characterized by being stubborn and insensitive.
26. I had a girlfriend who was a Scorpio.
27. We met on Lavalife.
28. Here’s a picture, she’s the one with the nice smile and headband:
29. She broke up with me that day because I wouldn’t do the nude bicycle run.
30. Didn’t care about my physical insecurities, she just insisted it was a way for me to get over them.
31. I’ve had surgeries and am embarrassed by my scars, okay??
32. I don’t want to ride around naked on a fucking bike!
33. She’s the VP of bank now.
34. Art Garfunkel was an actor for a while.
35. Whenever you saw that he was going to be a guest star, like on the Rockford Files or something…
36. You knew it was going to be a good one to miss.
37. James Garner was a real actor.
38. He was a class act.
39. Just look at him!
40.What a man!
41. Art Garfunkel was the son of a traveling salesman.
42. Well, now is probably a good time to wrap up.
43. In sum, Art Garfunkel’s impact on popular culture has been negligible and certainly subordinate to Paul Simon and James Garner.
*I will post this on Storify for those who wish to save a copy for future reference.
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