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The other day President-elect Donald Trump gathered his cabinet together for a round of golf and some frank talk about America.

A transcript of their conversation in the locker room of Trump National Golf Course in Westchester, NY was leaked to the press:

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Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary:

Hey, you bitches know Florida, right?

General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, Defense Secretary:

Total smoke show.

Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:

That baby got back!

Mike Pence, Vice President-elect:

Testify!

Donald Trump, President-elect:

I love her coasts. Superb coasts. The best coasties in all of America. I love to get right in there, stick my face in the them and just splash them all around.

Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:

It is no Russian propaganda that you sir, are the the greatest man on the planet!

Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:

You da man! Big dog always huntin’!

Ben Carson, Housing and Urban Development Secretary:

She ever let you into her Everglades?

Donald Trump, President-elect:

Let me tell you, her Everglades are very exclusive, like so, so super exclusive that you wouldn’t even believe, and let me tell you, I have been to her Everglades many, many, many times. She can’t get enough. When I’m with her, I make it rain.

Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:

You’re the RainMaker, sir!

General James “Mad Dog” Mattis, Defense Secretary:

I once had a layover in Delaware. Did some real drilling there, let me tell you, yeah, some real drilling.

Donald Trump, President-elect:

Delaware?! She’s a village bicycle. Disease infested. Strictly bottom-rung. Not even a 6 out of 10.

Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:

Yo, you better get yourself checked by your doctor, could have the crabs.

Donald Trump, President-elect:

“Brain Surgeon!” Give The General here an examination, tell us if Delaware gave him the clap.

Ben Carson, Housing and Urban Development Secretary:

I can tell from here he’s got SDD, Small Dick Disease, and that it’s terminal!

Mike Pence, Vice President-elect:

That sick burn pleases the Lord!!

( High-fives and laughter from all)

Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:

Anyone playing Call of Duty: Infinite Warfare?

Wilbur Ross, Commerce Secretary:

Fucking rules. Took three Ativan and played it for eight straight hours last night.

Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff:

Zombie mode is the tits!

Donald Trump, President-elect:

Okay, okay, girls, let’s focus. Listen up. Okay. There’s a black guy and a Mexican in a car. Who is driving?

(The cabinet is silent)

Donald Trump, President-elect:

The cop!!

(The cabinet howls with laughter!)

Jeff Sessions, Attorney General:

You got to Tweet that one, President-elect!

Donald Trump, President-elect:

Okay, who lost that round of golf? Was it Ross the Loss? No? “Brain Surgeon”? Was it you? Bad Hombre Priebus? No, okay we’ll make it Sloppy Second Pence. Pence you’re today’s loser and have to buy us all dinner. Has to be an exceptional meal, super exceptional, the very best, and if it is, I’ll bring out those Sarah Palin hot tub pics I was telling you about.

is married to Heidi Cruz, an investment manager at Goldman Sachs. She was recently threatened by Donald Trump.

The story goes like this:

An ad designed to target Mormons shows a photo of Trump’s wife, Melania, in one of those sort-of nude poses that only exists in magazines.

Trump, furious, blamed Ted Cruz for this assault on decency and took to the attack on Twitter, posting:

“Lyin’ Ted Cruz just used a picture of Melania from a G.Q. shoot in his ad. Be careful, Lyin’ Ted, or I will spill the beans on your wife!”

Now, everybody is curious to know what’s in those beans Trump is threatening to spill.

I may know.

Heidi Cruz and I have been confidantes to one another for thirty years.

She is an absolutely lovely person, a shining example of what America, at her best, can be.

Heidi and I met at a Christian youth camp one summer when we were both teenagers. Heidi was the best prayer partner I have ever had. Such soft hands. Anyway, it was a magical summer, and though some might say what happened between us was a sin, I cannot believe that God would frown upon such love.

Although Heidi and I have not seen one another in a long time and we have chosen very different life paths, we have remained faithful pen pals over the years. Here are some of the more recent emails that she has sent me:

Michael, my Morningstar:

Ted’s appetites disgust me.

Wednesday was Star Wars night.

Again.

As always, I dressed up as a Storm Trooper and Ted as Padme Amidala.

Ted’s rape fantasies can be quite elaborate, but this night was mercifully straightforward. I took him with force, but as I was still mad about a comment he made about the “tone” of my grace over dinner, I was perhaps a little rougher than normal, and his shrieks and crying were so loud and authentic that the secret service burst into the room. This has happened four times now. We are getting a soundproof dungeon made for this activity now.

In Christ,

Heidi
xo

Michael, my port in a storm:

I have to say, I really love the work I do at Goldman Sachs. I just feel that I’m doing God’s work, that I can really help people by creating wealth and then letting some of that wealth trickle down.

Today I caught Ted putting on my lipstick while he was shaving.

I actually threw up.

You Michael, are my endless summer,

Heidi
xo

Michael, my child of God:

I cannot believe that Sarah Palin is going to be a judge on a reality TV show. Gag. I have met her, several times, and let me tell you, she is no Judge Judy. She really is a moron. Still, she has really, really lovely hair.

I touched it once at a fundraiser and it was beautiful, like God and America.

Complete in Him,

Heidi
xo
Michael, my little lamb of Christ:

I had a variation on the dream again last night.

In it, Ted was putting on his makeup and rattling on about something gross, as usual, when Sarah Palin walked into the bedroom and looked right at me. She motioned that I should follow her, which I immediately did. I was curious, attracted– sexually attracted. She led me to another room where she let me stroke her gorgeous hair and then we began to kiss. She told me it was okay, that God would love me no matter what I did, and that she knew about the homeless man Ted and I picked-up and killed on Terrorist Sex Fantasy night, but that she didn’t care. And I was so relieved, and then Donald Trump appeared, laughing, his hands so tiny, so terrible! And then I woke up screaming and crying, which of course aroused Ted AND made the dog bark.

I was almost late for work!

We killed that man so many years ago, and outside of the USA! Do you think God really notices what happens in Africa? Why does he keep sending me these dreams?

Also, Goldman Sachs is very bullish on any company heavily invested in ethanol plants.

Didn’t hear it here, though.

Walk in light,

Heidi
xo

The attendees, the world’s financial and economic elite, are a small group but one that still manages to account for roughly 50% of the entire wealth on the planet. This is entirely mind-blowing, of course, and the fact that 1,700 private jets transported this precious cargo to their destination nestled in the Swiss Alps, where they were to focus their collective genius on income inequality and climate change is tragically ironic. The organizers of the meeting even went so far as to hire A-List actresses Marion Cotillard, Charlize Theron and Jennifer Lawrence, as well as all-time Major League Baseball hits leader Pete Rose to work the coat-check.

Its no surprise then that the swag given to each person who attended the conference was impressive, to say the least. What follows is a list of the items and services provided in the official Davos Gift Bag for all who attended the 2015 World Economic Forum:

A stylish satchel with shoulder strap that proudly states, “Committed to improving the state of the world.”

A pair of Roots Canada winter mittens.

A 1.5 litre bottle of virgin glacial water, hand-melted by Greenland artisans who chip the ice out of the glacier, transport it home and melt it over a fire using a traditional stentøj.

An albino peacock.

Box seats at the 2016 NHL All-Star game.

A six-month personal services contract with a supermodel.

A permit to hunt the Amur Leopard of the Primorye region of Russia.

A lock of Ronald Regan’s hair.

An Academy Award.

Sarah Palin’s stolen cell phone pics.

A special guest appearance on Game of Thrones.

Embryonic stem cells from Roger Federer’s twins.

Time machine.

Actual torture hood used at Abu Ghraib.

“We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit,” he told the Biblical Recorder. On the radio, he observed: “I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.”

Instantly, there were all sorts of calls for boycotts of the chain, just as there were public displays of support for the chicken shop, most notably by vigorous heterosexuals Sarah and Todd Palin, who posed for photographs holding up big bags from Chick-fil-A.

It’s America, you know.

In an attempt to quell the PR damage that had been done Dan Cathy took to social media, fielding live questions on Twitter.

This is what followed:

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Rank69: Dude, if you’re so straight why is your last name a girl’s name?

DanCathy: It was my father’s name and I inherited it, so I didn’t have a choice.

Rank69: Do gay people have a choice as to whether they’re gay or not?

DanCathy: Of course, just like you have a choice to eat at Chick-fil-A or McDonalds!

Rank69: If you could choose your last name what would it be?

DanCathy: The Man.

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HelenofTry: How do you know what God thinks?

DanCathy: I read the Bible.

HelenofTry: Did God write the Bible?

DanCathy: It was more like a joint effort between the mortal and the divine.

HelenofTry: So God had a ghostwriter?

DanCathy: A Holy Ghost writer!  : )

HelenofTry: But if you’re just accepting what the Holy Ghost writer says, you’re not thinking for yourself, right?

DanCathy: We make some tasty chicken!

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AAAXX3: Why is Snoop Dog changing his name to Snoop Lion?

DanCathy: I don’t know but he should change it to Snoop Chick-fil-A!

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CuriousChristain3: There are no girls in the Godverse, right?

DanCathy: I’m not sure I understand.

CuriousChristian3: Well, God didn’t have a wife or a mother, it was just him up there.

DanCathy: The Lord is our Heavenly Father.

CuriousChristian: That’s my point, there’s no Heavenly Mother. He must have been lonely.

DanCathy: I think God keeps very busy and probably doesn’t feel lonely.

CuriousChristian: Ok, but if God made Adam in his own image and he had no reference for what a woman looked like, where did he come up with the idea of Eve?

Why didn’t she look like another Adam, only with a hole instead of a rod?

DanCathy: Our mission is to create loyal fans; we plan to leave the policy debate over same-sex marriage to the political arena.

CuriousChristian: If Eve were more like Adam, by which I mean stronger, she could have helped fight off the dinosaurs.

DanCathy: The Lord knew what he was doing.

CuriousChristian: I guess so, he was probably a billionaire like you.

CuriousChristian: Still, you’d think God could have given women 6 arms or something so that they’d be better helpmates for their husbands.

DanCathy: 6 is the number of the beast.

CuriousChristian: Right! This brings me to chickens.

DanCathy: We’re proud to make the best chicken in the world!

CuriousChristian: Well, God made the chicken, you just cook it.

DanCathy: Yes, you’re right!

CuriousChristian: How did God come up with the idea for a chicken!? It looks demonic!

DanCathy: Well, our chicken at Chick-fil-A is divine!

CuriousChristian: Was the girl (eve) chicken made from the rib of the boy (Adam) chicken? How did that work?

CuriousChristian: And what was God thinking when he made a lobster?! Man alive, those things are crazy looking!

DanCathy: We want to thank you all for your loyal patronage of Chick-fil-A. God bless America!