I don’t believe that this crime was committed by a hacker collective known as The Impact, as has been reported, because The Impact can be nothing other than the name of a (white) B-Boy dance troupe from back in the 80’s.

At any rate, I think that the bloody-minded terrorist group ISIS, who really knows how to tear at the fabric of Western society, was responsible. They want to expose our corrupt ways and force our children to watch us shriek at one another while washing dishes after dinner. But no, no, I am not going to let terror win. When our leaders called upon us to shop in order to fight terror, I shopped, and now, when it is clear that we must continue our adulterous ways in order to stave off terror, I will be adulterous. I am for the troops, and with that in mind, I have just joined Ashley Madison.

This is my profile page:

RaccoonDrumCircleSexMachine

“Renaissance man”

Age: 36 (Leo)

Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Height: 6’0″ (183cm)

Weight: 190 lbs (86kg) – Average/medium

Languages Spoken: English

My Limits are: Undecided

Status: Attached Male seeking Females

Gender: Male

Ethnicity: Caucasian (white)

Smoking Habits: Not specified

Tell me more about yourself:

I love puppies and animals in general, although I have never cheated on my wife by using them as sex slaves. By the way, raccoons are my favourite animal, and I am pretty sure they’re my spirit guides. Sometimes, I like to dress up as one for sex.

Besides that I do martial arts; extreme martial arts. And Parkour. I also play the drums, and it’s like I play the drums better than Satan, it’s like I’m having sex with those drums, it’s like a drumgasm! ( LOL!!) I’m also taking some college classes, one on zombies in popular media, because I love zombies and meeting young women who would normally be outside of my sphere. I work as an Uber driver (another great way to meet women and find out where they live) whenever my wife starts screaming at me about whether the forks are clean enough or some other bullshit.

Preferences and encounters I am open to:

I am on a quest– not just for sex with a female partner who is not my wife, but for all things. I will do and try anything. Some people say that I am fearless, as fearless as an urban raccoon. Would somebody who isn’t fearless spend just over a week in the woods searching for Bigfoot? I don’t think so. A person with fear would cringe from that challenge, but not RaccoonDrumCircleSexMachine! I went to the woods. Will you go to the woods with me?

What really turns me on:

Honesty would have to be number one, and a close second would be to see a Bigfoot man and a Bigfoot lady going at it.

What I am looking for:

I like chicks who dig passionate drummers, as well as submissive Goth types who are into role playing, but mostly I just like really hot babes. Here are some examples:

No Asians please.

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 1 Jan

Don’t go into the New Year holding a grudge from last year. Leave the hurts and disappointments behind.

Michael Murray @michaelmurray 1 Jan

But I am still very angry and disappointed! Why did God forget to make me money???

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 1 Jan

Get ready; things are shifting in your favor. Don’t talk yourself out of it. Believe this is your year for acceleration.

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 1 Jan

I don’t understand. Do you mean my anger and disappointment are going to accelerate or that God is some kind of passive-aggressive reverse psychologist?

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 2 Jan

This is a new day. The tide of the battle has turned. Declare freedom from anything that is holding you back.

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 2 Jan

I declare freedom from our Visa bill. Also, amnesty from poker debt. Supernatural debt relief is completely fucking awesome!!!

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 3 Jan

Make room for something new. Go out today expecting blessings, divine connections & unprecedented favor.

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 3 Jan

I am stoked. Will wear my favourite, God-approved argyle sweater!! Look out, ladies!

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 4 Jan

Whatever wrong has been done in your life, get past it. God knows what He’s doing. You are not at a disadvantage.

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 4 Jan

I only have one lung. God made humans with two lungs. I have one. How is that not a disadvantage??!! Do you or God even have an idea what getting through a humid day with one lung is like???

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 5 Jan

Don’t settle in the land of barely enough. Have an abundant mentality. Make room for God to show you His goodness in a new way.

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 5 Jan

Still angry about your last post, but it’s true, I’ve been living in the land of barely enough WAY too long. Also, God would want me to let your last post go, right?

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 6 Jan

You can’t think thoughts of lack and expect to have abundance. We serve a God of more than enough.

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 6 Jan

And Satan is like the tax department? You’re starting to confuse me, or a demon has seized me with the bafflement. Maybe both.

Joel Osteen @JoelOsteen 7 Jan

Good news: The right people are already in your future. It’s just a matter of time before they show up.

Michael Murray @michaelmurrayca 7 Jan

And they’re bringing the money, right? God and I need to be straight on this.

It’s hard for me to imagine a creature more physically dissimilar from a human than a lobster– an entity that inhabits the same planet as the rest of us but lives on the cold, dark floor of oceans. If we could imbue it with a human intelligence, could it possibly conceive of the terrestrial civilization above that actually farms and manages lobster communities and then eats them as delicacies? My guess is that no, the lobster is not thinking this, and so I assume that whatever my instinct is about what lies beyond the field of my imagination, the actuality is going to be so much stranger and greater that there’s absolutely no point in trying to codify it into a religion.

I have a friend who is a Charismatic Christian, and knowing that my wife was out of town one weekend, he invited me over for dinner with his men’s group. I did not know what a men’s group was. I imagined a bunch of guys who liked fantasy football, crossbows and the free market, and with that in mind went over expecting to eat a huge steak.

When I arrived there were about six other men sitting in the living room, as if waiting for me, as if they’d been waiting for me for their entire lives. There was something unusual about these men, an aspect of aggressive contentment that was entirely humourless and disquieting.

One man seemed to make a special project of me. He handed me a piece of paper upon which were what he considered to be numeric proofs of the immaculate nature of the Bible. After looking at it for a minute or two, and commenting on the interesting connections it made, I joked, “If the Bible were perfect, surely it would contain a few photos of Raquel Welch, don’t you think?”

I was being charming.

Men’s Group charming, I thought.

He gave me a long, hard look and then nodded to the other men, who over the course of the next fifteen minutes filtered out to the front porch to have cigars.  Thickly built, the man was probably 20 years older than I was and gave me a look that suggested he’d seen my type before. We talked for a good half hour before he announced, “You know, when I was younger I was a sex addict.”

I nodded respectfully.

“There seem to be very few old sex addicts,” I couldn’t help but add.

“You think you’re funny, don’t you?”

“Not funny Ha-Ha, funny the other way, I guess.”

He snorted, “When I met a woman do you know what I saw?”

“No,” I said.

“Genitals. That’s what I saw. Just genitals.”

He spat out the word “genitals” in the same way a serial killer in a movie starring Morgan Freeman might. “But it was the Lord Jesus Christ who saved me from this sinful bearing!” And then he shouted something and raised his fist into the air.

“Come with me, son, I want you to see something.”

He led me out to the front porch where the rest of the men were, and for the first time in my life I saw people speaking in tongues, or at the very least, pretending to speak in tongues. With their arms up, aspiring for heaven, the men were shouting and crying. As a holy babble poured forth from their mouths, they twisted and spun, undulating, as if no longer owner’s of their own bodies. Ferdinand, the Congolese guy who had been addicted to heroin and cocaine, was so stricken by the Lord that he collapsed and fell into the Weber barbeque. I rushed over to him, and upon revival asked him what he had seen during his hallowed transport but he did not know what to say. His wide, innocent face just looked back at me, “ All was good,” he said, “all was glory.”

“But what happened when you collapsed into the barbeque?” I pressed.

“The Lord spoke his miracle into me.”

I looked at the men on the porch. Although in a state of ecstatic transference, they still managed to hold their cigars and glasses of whiskey. Each one was recovering from some life seizing passion, be it drugs, alcohol or an addiction to sex, and it was clear that they’d replaced one obsession with another. It was fantasy football, only with the Pentecostal Church replacing the NFL.

As I crouched near Ferdinand with what was likely a look of wonder on my face, they asked if they could pray for me, the black sheep. I was a little bit anxious about what this meant, but said yes and inched into their prayer circle clutching my scotch like it was a holy talisman. They all put a hand on me and lifted the other toward the skies, and then they really put their hearts into it. The man who had taken me on as a special project reached out to touch me, and when he did, he shuddered away as if suffering an electrical shock.

But he was strong, and reached out to touch me again. It pained him to do so, I could see it in his face, but he persisted, Satan was not going to beat him. Powerful, unguarded commands from his heart issued forth, and then he proclaimed that he saw a serpent wrapped around me, a serpent coiling tighter and tighter. The other men were shrieking and howling. “You must come to the Lord, the serpent is winding itself into you, I see it,” my exorcist proclaimed in a voice that seemed to come from a TV set. I nodded my head and looked at him, “No,” I said, “you don’t see a serpent. You’re lying. I think the serpent is wrapped around you.” And I looked at him like I was goddamn Clint Eastwood. And then Ferdinand, whom I think has peace-making instincts, distracted everybody by being struck by the Lord again, shouting, “The Lord has seized the Serpent, it departs!” before collapsing once again into the Weber.

Yes, I’m alive.

????

No, nobody is eating my face.

You don’t believe me?

You think the killer has my iPhone?

Of course.

If I was a face-eating killer I think I’d stop to text with the victim’s husband.

It’s only polite.

You want me to prove I’m myself?

Ok.

How would you like me to proceed?

My favourite animal?

OK.

Satan.

Yes, he is.

How do you know Satan isn’t an animal?

They call him the Beast and in pictures he has horns.

Is 2.

Is 2.

Another animal?

I like baby sloths.

Your remind me of a baby sloth.

Ok.

I’m glad you believe it’s me.

Why r u so spooked?

Yes, the news is scary right now.

Lots of weird murders.

That Magnotta is a bad man.

It is like the world is ending!

Really?

You think our downstairs neighbours are face-eaters?

What do you think a face tastes like?

If it tasted like chocolate, I might eat one.

No!

No!

I am not going to eat your face!

Or tear out your still beating heart.

I don’t have the zombie disease.

Alright, you devise your escape plans.

I hope it involves a speedy boat!

And maybe a giant bird.

I’m not making fun of u.

But be realistic.

U don’t have a driver’s license.

How r u going to escape the zombie apocalypse?

Honestly, u’d be the first they ate.

I know you used to be good at sports.

But that was a long time ago, honey.

Zombies won’t know about your “reputation.”

They just want to eat your face.

You just bought a boat on-line?

An inflatable raft?

Yes, I’m sure it was a good price.

And that you will float to safety when the apocalypse comes.

Can zombies swim?

Well, maybe you should look into that.

Yep.

Yes, I bet they would post the video of your face being eaten on-line.

No, not as an example.

Just so they could admire their work.

They’d savor you, I bet.

Well, they’d probably come up from the basement where they’ve been living.

Through the open window where you have the AC.

Is the AC on now?

It’s not even hot.

Jesus.

You are a money waster!

You’re wasting money and making yourself vulnerable to zombie attack!

Yes, they’ll come through the open window!

And you won’t even hear them because of the AC racket!

And then your face will be gone!

Yeah.

The dog probably licks your face just to clean it for the zombie attack.

Gotta go now!

C u soon.

Just finishing a beer with the girls.

Please cancel your boat order.

xox

Heidi got job at Globe and Mail to write Horoscope for dog. Hope you like!

Aries:

Aries dog hate leash. Think they Alpha of the pack but they not! Just dog with big head. Aries dog often scared of cats. Avoid cats this week. Cat know you just faker.

Taurus:

Taurus dog have great inner strength. Can bark for days at tree. In fact, great gift of Taurus dog is bark, which can be very beautiful if cultivated. Why wait, Taurus dog? Now is time to become great barker always wanted to become. Practice now!

Gemini:

Gemini dog famous for being stupid. All German Shepherds are Gemini. Gemini dog have dual nature and can never make up mind. Chase squirrel, not chase squirrel? Gemini dog don’t know! This week, chase squirrel!!

Cancer:

Cancer dog very good at swimming. This make them very weird dog. Heidi no like cancer dog. This week if cancer dog go swimming will be killed by Snakehead fish. It is written in stars.

Leo:

Leo dog very stupid. Think all great because often tall but really just baby-dog who like squeak toy more than blood of enemies. Leo dog disgust Heidi. This week very bad for Leo dog.

Virgo:

Virgo dog just love to travel! Pee on every tree! Virgo dog also have gift of clairvoyance. Can see future with only brain. This week must trust gift and locate missing child in well, then get many treats!!

Libra:

Libra dog must be very, very careful of cars this coming week. Be wary of squirrels! They follow Satan! Do not chase them to onto the hard black dirt of speed machines! Heidi warn you!

Scorpio:

Scorpio dog scared of growing up! Why Scorpio dog, why? You sit around with chew toy, wearing slave outfit of master! Scorpio dog have no pride, disgust Heidi! Time to start own pack! Stop wasting time on Cute Overload! Not getting any younger!

Sagittarius:

Sagittarius dog born under sign of the archer with Jupiter as ruling planet. Oh, Heidi once loved Doberman named Jupiter! So strong, leap high in air to catch Frisbee, so beautiful to watch that Heidi knew God must exist! Heidi so young and so in love, so much tail wagging! Had great time in bushes with Jupiter but never saw him again. Always wonder about Jupiter, what litter might look like.

Capricorn:

Capricorn dog must ask itself: Are you the hunter or the hunted? What “a dog eat dog world” really mean? Stop barking at clouds and take time to consider these questions. Lucky number 7.

Aquarius:

Aquarius dog really, really like people. Very weak dog lacking in character. Given to fleas, inability to control tail and compulsive gambling. Sort of dog that like Christian rock. Special colour this week Electric Blue.

Pisces:

Pisces is sign of very, very good dog! Very pretty dog! Jesus smile on Pieces dog. All week Pisces dog will have important dreams! Pay attention! Very powerful dog, so go kill squirrel and tear cat to stringy bits. Dig hole always dreamed of. You know fetch no game.