My hatred of him was immediate, visceral and enduring, and over the years I have taken time out of my busy, important life to write him a note each year on his birthday. This is a small sample of some of the letters I have written him:
July 3, 1986
Dear Maverick:
Your call sign in Top Gun should have been Muffin.
You’re a loser and flash in the pan and it’s obvious you don’t have a clue how to play beach volleyball.
Your smile makes me want to punch you with a rake.
Happy 24th, moron.
Michael Murray
PS: Please send an autographed photograph.
July 3, 1992
Dear Tom:
I want to congratulate you on your Irish accent in Far and Away.
You’ve really been acting the shit out of things lately, especially when you made us all understand what it must feel like to be Tom Cruise in a wheelchair in Born on the Fourth of July. That was some heavy shit, really brave, and you deserve a milk carton full of Oscars for that role.
Happy 30th, loser, it’s all downhill from here.
Michael Murray
PS: I have named my band Cole Trickle after your character in Days of Thunder. Inspired by your acting, we formed as a group even though none of us can play any instruments.
July 3, 2000
Tom:
What the fuck was up with your package in Magnolia???
I mean, please! Are you really that vain that you have to make it look like you have a giant cock? Really?? And did you even know what Eyes Wide Shut was about? Truly, you are the worst actor ever.
Happy birthday.
Michael Murray
July 3, 2005
Dear crazy Scientology person:
Joey will never love you.
You will never have her.
You may jump on sofas all you want, but you will never win her heart. You are a robot, a robot made of money and teeth, and although she has likely signed a contract, that contract will end and she will leave you. Mark my words, Cruise, mark my words.
You’re 43 now, and although you don’t know it, things are beginning to slip away.
Happy birthday.
Michael Murray
PS: I am taking the bus to America to buy a crossbow on the weekend.
July 3, 2014
Tom:
I’m on medication now and am doing well. I understand boundaries. I am sorry about the genetic material I sent to you on your 50th birthday. It was inappropriate of me, to say the least, and trying to get you to introduce me to your ex-wife, the Katie Holmes version of your ex-wife, was insensitive. I just want to thank you for our friendship over the years, wish you the best as you move through your 50’s and let you know that I am really just fantastically excited for Top Gun II.
Happy birthday, old friend!
Michael Murray
]]>*******************************************
The Toronto International Film Festival start today and pretentious two-leggers everywhere! They stand in line and talk loud about “friend in LA” and “ski trip took in Aspen while at Sundance.” Posers wear TIFF pass around neck like holy cross! Make Heidi want to puke and then eat puke up again!
But truth is festival not about two-leggers but about movies.
This is list of movies Heidi going to see.
1. The Master.
Sound scary, like about bad two-legger who hate dog and maybe make dog slave, but actually about Scientology and star that guy who everybody say good actor. He kinda fat. Forget name. Complicated name. Heidi into Scientology for a bit when she found out that Christ God say dogs have no soul and no get into heaven! Heidi left church after that! But Scientology weird and expensive, so Heidi ran away after achieving OT II.
2. Rust and Bone.
Heidi LOVE movie about bone!! Hope it about meat bone not chicken bone.
3. Love, Marilyn.
Documentary on famous two-legged sex bomb Marilyn Monroe. Heidi always relate to Marilyn! When she said, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best,” she could have been talking about Heidi. Poor Marilyn, she was like candle in wind!
4. Hyde Park on Hudson.
Bill Murray favourite of Heidi. He would make good pack leader.
5. Amour.
Heidi no know what this about but given free pass in park when playing fetch. Seat filler, I guess
6. Looper
Star Bruce Willis!!! Two-legger travel in time and shoot himself! Movie made of awesome! Yippie ki-yay, motherfucker! Also star Joseph-Gordon Levitt. Heidi like to lick him, Heidi lick him long time!
7. Silver Linings Playbook.
Heidi dreamer. Believe every cloud have silver lining, so Heidi want to see movie about silver lining. Heidi favourite silver lining leftovers.
8. Bad 25.
About Michael Jackson! He King of Pop and friend to animals! Good father to Bubbles and when he Moon Walk, Heidi think anything possible! Poor Michael, he die far too young. Hope doctor who kill him with horse medicine go to jail forever! He very, very bad dog!
9. On the Road.
Star that bitch Kristen Stewart from Twilight. Can’t believe she cheated on Robert Pattinson! Even though Heidi always on Team Jacob big time, still think Kirsten Stewart bad bitch! Where her pack loyalty? Heidi go to movie just to bark!
10. Argo.
Heidi know dog named Argo.
Only reason Heidi want to see movie.
Also have free pass.
]]>