I recently started a business in which I provide sexual misconduct apology letters for a wide variety of clients. If you need a sexual misconduct apology letter, please consider my affordable and highly effective services. Here are some excerpts of work I have done for various clients:

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1. It is with great anguish that I heard of that lady’s recollection about our night together in 1991. While her memory of that evening is very different from mine, it is now clear to me that her feelings of fear and intimidation are real. After all, I am a powerful Alpha male with many yachts and yes-men. However, in spite of this I have never been unusually violent, although I have been thoughtless and insensitive in some of my relationships over my many decades of sexual activity, and I sincerely and humbly apologize for accepting any blowjobs that were given out of ambition rather than love.

I am an ally to women everywhere.

2. Recently, there has been a little bit of coverage about some of my past behaviour in the “news.” I have made many mistakes and I am so very sorry that I have disappointed my friends, family, fans and beautiful team. My behaviour was wrong and there are no excuses. Although it is very difficult at the top, I take full responsibility for whatever my actions were, because that’s what a leader and Master Chef does.

Sharing the joys of Italian food with all of you each week is an honour and privilege. Without the support of all of you—my fans—I would never have a forum in which to combat the scourge that is sexual misconduct, so I want to thank you for giving me an opportunity to advance the cause for women all over the world. And in case you’re searching for a holiday-inspired breakfast, especially the mother’s out there, this link to Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls are a fan favourite!

3. As a college student on staff at a church in Texas more than 20 years ago, I regretfully had a sexual incident with a female high school senior in the church. At the time I thought ******’s form fitting sweater was a sign that my sexual gratification was God’s will. I see now that this wasn’t true, and that her sweater and strawberry lip gloss were in fact the devil’s beguiling handiwork. I sinned, Holy Spirit, I sinned, and I humbly ask if you would take this prayer and touch ******’s heart in the way that only you can and heal her of the pain that was caused from this sin 20 years ago. #Metoo #Timesup #IBelieveEve

4. Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. I have hired three lovely assistants to coach me in this endeavour, and have quit kite surfing in Barbados in order to better focus my energies on the important task at hand. The last two days have forced me to take a very hard look at all of my surviving sex tapes, and I see now that I was not acting the way a leading ally to women should have acted. I am very sorry, and ask all of those feeling pain to please apply this coupon code for a 15% discount on your next Cineplex experience!

He made this comment a couple of weeks ago after Kanye had said something Kanyesque about books. This was the quote:

“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I am a proud non-reader of books.”

People, primarily white, middle-class people, as far as I could tell, rushed to their social media channels to denounce and mock Kanye yet again, portraying him as an illiterate, entitled child who lacked the intellectual capacity for long-form reading. However, in so doing they completely over-looked the fact that what he said wasn’t stupid at all, and could easily apply to the vast majority of the population.

Novels were once the castles in which everybody wanted to live. To write one was considered the highest artistic and intellectual aspiration, and all that was profound in culture and human experience was transferred– as if by holy passage– through them. Well, that’s simply not the case any more. The world has changed and we consume our culture and entertainment in very different ways than we did 50 years ago.

The experience I used to get reading a novel, I now typically get following specific TV shows. For me, the scope, intellect and cultural penetration offered in shows like Breaking Bad or Transparent (you could name dozens more), and the continued richness of experience and evolution of circumstance they present, simply outstrips what is available in novels. Other people will make similar arguments using graphic novels, Blogs, gaming communities, sports or more traditional forms like cinema, dance or music as examples. (I would also argue that we are much more participatory, almost partnered, in what we consume now and much less the passive receptacles we were in the past.)

Novels, particularly literary novels, have traditionally been written by a very specific group of people, and it’s never been a diverse group. The expression “Dead White Males” might pop to mind here, and although there’s much greater diversity in writing than there ever has been before, it still speaks loudest in the privileged, virtually aristocratic fields of MFA’s.

Naturally then, the experience of reading novels is an alienating one for the vast majority, and with so many other, and superior options available, why on earth would somebody like Kanye spend his time reading books that don’t speak to him, instead of creating art and pursuing his passions?

Earlier in the week a video purportedly made by bored hacktivist group Anonymous was released targeting Kanye. It was ridiculous– like a Prog Rock video from the 80’s. In it, a Guy Fawkes masked figure, in a condescending British accent, chided Kanye for all manner of untoward behaviour. It really sounded like the gripes of a 15 year-old who was angry with the cool kid in school who got all the attention.

What people want with Kanye, I think, is to keep him in line.

They want him to remember his place in the hierarchy, and every time they raise their voices to ridicule something he says or cry foul at a taboo he’s broken, they remind us not of his boundless ego, but of their inability to live in a world– now so different from the one they grew up in– where a man like Kanye might confidently assert himself and speak for an unheard majority that they’re no longer a part of.

1. Chances that an American athlete would break down a door in the Olympic Village 7-1.

I considered this bet to be easy money. We all know that athletes are competitive, and none more so than entitled, overfunded American ones who really like to get their party on. Combining this personality type with the decrepit state of Russian infrastructure and the rage associated with steroids and steroid-masking technologies, it was almost a guarantee that a door would be smashed in. I bet $700 on this, and when Johnny Quinn, an American bobsledder and ex NFL player, broke naked through his poorly functioning bathroom door in the athlete’s village, I was a winner.

Result= +$4900

2. Who would win the gold medal at men’s skeleton in Sochi?

I was on the Lisgar Collegiate Institute boys’ skeleton team in high school, and I can tell you participation in that sport is an insane death wish—you fly face-first down an ice cliff on a bladed Krazy Karpet using your toes to steer. (It should go without saying that high school was a VERY difficult time for me, a time made even more painful by the ceaseless bombardment of snowballs I endured whenever I took sliding to the track.) Gambling on this sport is like playing the lottery, as none of the martyr/athletes really has any influence on the outcome. That being said, it would have been wise to pick a Russian, as it’s common for officials to heat the track to make it slow and sluggish after the Russians have competed. However, the odds on handsome Spaniard Amber Mirambell (300-1!!) proved too enticing and I bet $500 on him for gold.

Result= – $500

3. Over/under for deaths in short-track speed skating (including relay): 7

I felt very compromised betting on this as I abhor the idea of rooting for anybody’s misfortune, but it seems clear that there would be way more than seven deaths in this sport. Honestly, I think there could be seven deaths in just one race. It’s Roller Derby with knives, practically a Slasher film. I bet $1300 on the over.

Result= – $1300

4. Olympic Sex Tape

Given that the matchmaking app Tinder was the breakout star of the Sochi games, it was speculated that it would be the first Olympics that featured a leaked sex tape.

Odds that a sex tape will surface: 3-1

Odds that the Russian men’s ice hockey team will be involved in the sex tape: 1-1

Odds that the Jamaican bobsled team will be in the sex tape: 9-1

Odds that the sex tape will be of a homosexual nature: 50-1

Odds that the sex tape will include any of the mascots from the Opening Ceremonies: 50-1

Odds that an ice-dance duo will be in the sex tape: 200-1

I bet $3000 that there will be a sex tape and placed $250 on each of the sub-options. Fingers crossed.

Result= – $4500

6. Odds that there will be a biathlon shooting accident involving a homosexual: 25-1

I could see that getting certified proof that the accident victim was an actual homosexual was going to be a bureaucratic nightmare, so I just avoided this bet altogether.

Result= Even

7. Odds that America, in the corporate form of Sports Illustrated, would attempt to upstage the Olympics by featuring Kate Upton in a bikini, floating about in a zero-gravity plane, as their feature story instead of, say, sports: 7-1

You simply cannot bet against America being America, and so I wagered $200 on the model in a zero gravity plane.

Result= + $1400.00

Total= Even

CLASS AND QUALITY

Our future leaders and business tycoons will learn about gold plating, Chinese food, sports pedicures and Europe from some of the loveliest contestants in the history of The Apprentice. This intensive course is uptown.

“The course I took on Class and Quality at Trump University really helped me become the man that I am. I owe Donald Trump a lot more than just money.”

–Dennis Rodman

If you want to climb the ladder to success, you need to take this course.

THE ART OF TWITTER

Trump, long known for his devastating wit and ability to conjure Le Mot Juste, is a master of communication. In this course, students will acquire the skills and techniques needed to learn to use Twitter to their best advantage so that they may enhance their brand, network effectively, disseminate message and defeat their loser enemies. We will do an in depth reading of the famous Twitter exchange between Donald Trump and loser TV writer Danny Zuker. *1

HYGIENE AND COLOGNE: “A MAN IS ONLY AS RICH AS HE SMELLS (* This course is only open to men)

Donald Trump knows that the key to success is more than just business acumen and acquiring the appropriate trophy wives. A man has to look good: he has to be clean. In this class many of Donald Trump’s secret grooming tips will be shared with, and only with, this exclusive group of quality and classy students. You will learn how to wear socks that make a winning statement, how to keep your nails clean without looking like a pushover in the boardroom and how often to bathe/shower/hot tub and whether it is appropriate for servants to see you naked. The answer might surprise! A clue, from Donald Trump, “Intimidation is key to any success in business.” (Includes a field trip to a sauna at a cost of $85 per student.)

BUSINESS AND BIG GAME HUNTING (Discontinued)

BEAUTY PAGEANTS AND SEX TAPES (Graduate level course)

After extensive viewing of course material, students in this seminar will learn how to expertly avoid being trapped in sex tapes by bitter ex-wives, business associates, competitive, ambitious friends of your daughter and prostitutes, and how to profitably and successfully navigate the complex, often dangerous landscape of beauty pageants.

*1 http://variety.com/2013/more/news/donald-trump-modern-family-writer-spar-on-twitter-1200487989/

Scandal Scenario #1

A sex tape purported to feature Mayor Ford, his brother Councilor Doug Ford and an unknown prostitute has been circulating the Internet. The Mayor’s office wants to assure everybody that this is a hoax perpetuated by the left wing media in an effort to subvert the democratic process and defame hard working civic officials. The faces of the men in the videotape are not visible, as they are concealed by football helmets, and Rob Ford’s famous third nipple is nowhere in sight. It should also be noted that Rob and Doug are very common names, and the fact that they are repeatedly bellowed throughout the video in no way links the Ford brothers to this robust threesome.

Scandal Scenario #2

What the left-wing media has been describing as a Japanese Sex Doll– that Mayor Ford has been seen hauling in and out of his Escalade over the last week– is in fact a Football Tackling Dummy.

Although it certainly has some feminine features, this in no way describes a sexist or degrading attitude toward women. Far from it. In fact, Mayor Ford has been using the Tackling Dummy as an instructional prop in order to help educate his football players in sexual harassment protocols and in the proper treatment of cheerleaders.

Scandal Scenario #3

Mayor Ford, while generously playing Santa Claus at a Dufferin Mall charity event, did not ask a child present if there was black Santa Claus, too, as the left-wing media has been reporting. The boy who cited this story, Abdul Azeem Kazi, is clearly a Muslim and obviously does not believe in Santa Claus. There is just no way he would have been telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We have strong reason to suspect that this boy was working for the Toronto Star and that his parent’s are in the country illegally.  Stop the gravy train!

Scandal Scenario #4

Although the Mayor tried cocaine back in his youth in the 80’s, he has not knowingly used it in a freebase situation in quite a stretch. The Mayor regrets his youthful experiments (there was no sexual experimentation) with drugs, and hopes for a speedy conclusion to the NHL hockey lockout.

Donald J Trump     39 m

Our nation is a once great nation divided.

Donald J Trump     43 m

Our country is now in serious and unprecedented trouble…like never before.

Donald J Trump       49m

Our country is a total sham and travesty. We are not a democracy!

Donald J Trump        51m

More votes equals a loss…revolution!

Donald J Trump        51m

Let’s fight like hell and stop this great and disgusting injustice! The world is laughing at us.

Donald J Trump       53m

We can’t let this happen. We should march on Washington and stop this travesty. Our nation is totally divided

Donald J Trump        54 m

The phony electoral college made a laughing stock out of our nation. The loser one!

Donald J Trump        1 hr

He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!

Donald J Trump         1hr 2 m

I can’t stop crying. America died.

Donald J Trump          1 hr 9m

I make the best luxury golf resorts in the world. Quality. 10% off for Revolutionaries.

Donald J Trump         1 hr 21m

Don’t miss the Trump Universe Pageant in Atlantic City 2013. We will rebuild with sexy ladies!

Donald J Trump     1 hr 23m

I offer 5 million dollars to the first patriot that maims our imposter president or lures him into sex tape situation.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 23 m

Patriot also gets a Lexus, quality vehicle with power windows. Gold.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 37m

Hate his imposter president’s monkey ears! Streets must flow with blood!

Donald J Trump 1 hr 39m

It will be AIDs blood, so wear rain boots!

Donald J Trump 1 hr 41m

Out of vodka and bored of my hookers.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 42m

Burning cigarette into woman’s flesh less energizing than would have thought.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 48m

She a good screamer, though, I’ll give her that.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 51m

Takes a lot of moxie to get on the Apprentice.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 52m

Moving to Dubai. Fuck America in the face. America, you’re fucking fired!

Donald J Trump 2hr 2m

Condos starting from just $1,699,000. Be amongst the first to live in most prestigious location in all of NYC!

Donald J Trump 2 hr 7 m

Thanks a lot Christians for not showing up to vote. You disgust me.

Donald J Trump 2 hr 18m

Can’t believe we have a Korean President! They eat dogs!!

Donald J Trump 2 hr 24m

Building a quality bomb. Trump quality. Will get the job done.