showing Elizabeth Warren donning a Trump mask and then engaging in sexual acts with a man who was also wearing a Trump mask, after Amy Klobuchar’s last name was discovered to have roots within the Russian sphere of influence, and after it was revealed that Kamala Harris hates animals, particularly cuddly ones, the ranks of women running for the Democratic nominee for President have been substantially reduced. With electability being the key concern, all white, middle-aged men are currently being considered. I, who have American citizenship, am one of these men. At the urging of my inner circle and after much prayer, I have decided to run for the Democratic nomination for President.
TRANSCRIPT OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE OF MICHAEL MURRAY’S CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCEMENT:
Ladies and Gentleman,
As you are all now aware, Donald Trump is an asshole.
Sorry?
No. No. Absolutely not. I did not mean to exclude anybody, I did not mean to be sexist. It was a mistake. I meant to say “Americans.” I’m a little nervous. Can we just start again? Really? Can’t this just be edited out? Sweet Jesus, you media people really are the worst. Also, interrupting is very rude. I’m going to bring back civility, you know.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Just watch me.
Okay.
Whatever.
I’m just going to move along now.
Fellow Americans,
My name is Michael Murray and I am running for the office of President of the United States.
What qualifies me to run this, the greatest country in the history of the universe, the country that gave the world baseball and fantasy baseball, Climate Change, Dolly Parton, Cheetos and sharks? It doesn’t matter. Suffice it to say that the members of my Sky Watch UFO Club were very satisfied with my leadership, and that my lack of a driver’s license is indicative of my visionary nature, as I could see an advanced, technological future that included robot chauffeurs. Also, I can almost speak two languages. Now, together, united as never before, it is time to take Trump down and Make America Great Again!
Shit.
Nerves again.
No. Not at all.
I meant Realize America’s Potential.
Yes.
RAP for short.
And we will have hats and buttons with that on it once the donations start to pour in. You can send me money here:
Together, we can Realize America’s Potential!
Michael Murray
It’s movement a kind of flight. Jones watches this impossible thing, it’s long, thin tail passing above like an airplane. The jellyfish are pink clouds that pulse mysteriously, belonging more to outer or inner space than this world we imagine we inhabit. Jones’ face against the aquarium window, his little finger prints visible as he watches a shark move indifferently past. The face is impassive, the blank eyes heartless and never in doubt. It moves through the water a kind of God.
The next tank is the wall of anemone. An astonishment of beauty. After a moment the man standing next to me says, “Imagine waking up to that every day?” His words are soft, though, almost whispered. As if emerging unbidden from his body and then slipping through his lips and into the world, and I can tell he is not looking for conversation. And so we stand there quietly. The puzzling light above refracting through the water, and falling to us as if through stained glass.
I was flying
but could not control
where I was going.
Illustrations by Rachelle Maynard.
]]>Day 1:
I am grateful that we are wealthy enough to hire a house cleaner.
I am grateful that Albina, our house cleaner, always changes from her street clothes into her work clothes in the living room. It’s provocative and edgy. It doesn’t matter what she looks like, it just shakes up the day, you know?
I am grateful for sharks, as they have starred in a lot of cool movies and television programming.
Day 2:
I am grateful that it is now socially acceptable for a man to carry a “murse” and not have to sit on his wallet all day. Sitting on a wallet is like having to sit on a Club Sandwich all day.
I am grateful that I am very athletic and am not a nerd.
I am grateful for the invention of yoga pants.
Day 3:
I am grateful for the TV show Nashville, which is fucking awesome.
I am grateful that I don’t have to read very much for my job.
I am grateful that we don’t live with a ghost in our apartment, that would really dampen the quality of our life, I think.
Day 4:
I am grateful that I am wealthy enough to buy prestigious clothes and look really good when I go out.
I am grateful that I am really, really popular, as I was in high school.
I am grateful for the good governance and fiscal responsibility that guides Canada as a nation.
Day 5:
I am grateful for the beautiful autumn leaves.
I am grateful that BB King is my uncle. I have learned a lot from him.
I am grateful for heating pads.
Day 6:
I am grateful for unexpected Scratch N’ Win victories!
I am grateful that the LCBO is just down the street.
I am grateful that none of my erotic selfies have been leaked to the public.
Day 7:
All praise and love to Jesus, our LORD and SAVIOUR! I am grateful to him for the abundant gifts he has given me. PRAISE!!
I am grateful for celebrities.
I am grateful for peanuts, particularly dry roasted peanuts.
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1. The Smiling Poncho (All staff must wear a poncho, and the chef will wear a sombrero with little, hooked fish hanging off the brim. It will be fun!)
2. Fish and Ships (You will sell ship knickknacks as an alternate revenue stream at the front desk.)
3. Clamorama (Deep-fried clams will be a specialty.)
4. Blood In The Water (This Risto will have a shark-attack themed décor. It will really stand out from the crowd and when you order the signature plate of paella, the theme music to Jaws will play as the serving staff brings it out. We will be a destination for birthday and bachelor parties, so if legal, we will have all serving staff working in bikinis and speedos. GAY FRIENDLY.)
4. Los Peces Sexy (Obviously, this means The Sexy Fish in Spanish. Consider Tango dance lessons in the evening?)
5. Scales And Males (This would be a gay restaurant)
6. Scales And Tails and Males (This would be a more flamboyant and risque gay restaurant)
7. Something Fishy. (This is cute, and I think that each night you should stage a marine-themed murder mystery production as entertainment for the dining guests.)
8. Crabbies (Part of the appeal of this incarnation would be the gruff, sailor-like atmosphere and service.)
9. Fishing for a compliment? (Could become popular with people on first dates!)
10. The Fishcotheque (On the weekends it a disco and fine seafood restaurant.)
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Me: You coming to Barbados for the big surf competition, Soup Bowl?
Man who looked like Chomsky: What?
Me: Barbados. The surf competition. It’s like their version of the Super Bowl, only in water.
Man who looked like Chomsky: No, I have other business, although I do like the beach.
Me: I’d like to surf but I’m scared. I used to be scared of sharks when I was a boy but now I’m scared of jellyfish. They’re taking over the oceans.
Man who looked like Chomsky: (Said nothing)
Me: Are you Noam Chomsky?
Man who looked like Chomsky: Yes.
Me: WOW!! I thought so!
Chomsky: (Nods)
Me: So, what’s up with Occupy Wall Street?
Rachelle: (In a whisper-hiss) Pickle, be quiet, for the love of God!
Chomsky: I don’t know what you mean.
Me: I hear they’re buying up debt from collection agencies and then forgiving it. I would LOVE it if they bought some of my debt. Do you have any sway in that?
Chomsky: No, I don’t.
Me: You know, you’ve really shaped a lot of minds over the decades. I bet a lot of college kids name their pets after you. Thousands of dogs and cats named Chomsky.
Rachelle: I’m sorry, my husband is dehydrated and only slept for an hour last night. Please forgive us.
Chomsky: I see.
Me: If I was an anarchist like you I wouldn’t wait in line. I’d just charge right through, upset the system and start a revolution by hitting the beach!
Chomsky: You do like the sound of your own voice, don’t you?
Me: I’m just social and maybe a little nervous meeting you, I guess.
Chomsky: I’m sorry, I just need to be alone with my thoughts, okay?
(Several minutes pass)
Me: You’re going to be really hot wearing that corduroy jacket on the island, you know.
Chomksy: (Ignores me)
Me: (Whispering to Rachelle) I can’t believe he has a corporate logo on his laptop bag. Adidas? Really? They must have paid for his trip.
Rachelle: (Whisper-hiss) Just find your passport and shut-up, okay?
(Awkward silence for the rest of our wait to customs)
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