These are the text messages I received from my wife Rachelle the other day:
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Rachelle: WE WON 3-2, AND I SCORED ALL THREE GOALS AT HOCKEY TONIGHT!!
Rachelle: Thank you!
Rachelle: Yes!
Rachelle: It sparked so much joy!
Rachelle: Yes, it sparked way more joy than throwing out all our old spices and novelty coffee mugs!
Rachelle: It even sparked more joy than getting rid of your shirt with all the basketball players on it!
Rachelle: Pickle, that shirt was racist.
Rachelle: It had to go.
Rachelle: I wouldn’t be surprised if it was actually illegal to wear that shirt outside!
Rachelle: Whatever the fashion equivalent is to hate speech. That’s what that shirt was.
Rachelle: It’s the sort of shirt Doug Ford would wear at the cottage.
Rachelle: Yes it is.
Rachelle: I mean was.
Rachelle: Really?
Rachelle: I was sure that Marie Kondo said that the joy was in the throwing out!
Rachelle: So you think the idea is that if you hold it and it doesn’t spark joy, then you throw it out?
Rachelle: This sounds like the sort of thing you’d be wrong about, Pickle.
Rachelle: Throwing out your racist shirt sparked WAY more joy in me than picking up that pilly, grey turtleneck you always throw on the floor.
Rachelle: Yes, Marie Kondo probably would look good in that turtleneck.
Rachelle: But you should also keep in mind how good Tom Hardy or that guy who played The Bodyguard would look in that turtleneck.
Rachelle: Yeah, you’re probably right– you would finish far in the distance in this “who wore the ratty, old grey turtleneck better” competition.
Rachelle: Look, I’ve got to get going. I’m swinging by Shoppers on the way home from my game, is there anything you want?
Rachelle: Okay, popcorn, coconut water and razors.
Rachelle: Why not Gillette razors?
Rachelle: I don’t understand.
Rachelle: Are you for men being assholes or against men being assholes?
Rachelle: I see.
Rachelle: So your position is that you will not be manipulated by a consumerist society into believing the type of razor you use is somehow symbolic of the sort of man you are, is that correct?
Rachelle: But regardless, you’re still getting your wife to fulfill your boycott and actualize your beliefs by doing your purchasing?
Rachelle: So what sort of man does that make you?
Rachelle: This isn’t a test.
Rachelle: I have never in my life met somebody with more confused political beliefs than you, my love.
Rachelle: Oh, I think autocorrect must have changed it from nuanced to confused! Funny, that!