Team Leader: Okay, I guess we’ll just wait another five minutes to see if Noor shows up, but if not we’ll just start without her.
(AWKWARD SILENCE)
Me: Well, I think it might be a nice way to kill the time if we each told one another a little bit about ourselves.
Team Leader: This isn’t required so nobody has to participate.
Me: My name is Michael Murray, I stand nearly six feet four inches tall and live in Toronto with my wife and our Miniature Dachshund. When I was a boy Iron Fist was my favourite superhero. He could summon and focus his chi into one amazing punch and was teemed with the super awesome Luke Cage, who was known not to take any jive.
Person #1: My name is Cindy and I live in Ottawa.
Person #2: Tom, in London.
Person #3: My name is Beth and I live in Kingston where I’m a student, and I guess I my favourite superhero would be Lara Croft.
Me: She’s not a superhero. She’s a video game character.
Person #3: Oh, I didn’t realize that Iron Fist was a real person. I’m surprised I haven’t heard more about him.
Team Leader: Hopefully Noor will be here very soon. We’ll just give her two more minutes and then we’ll get into the material.
Me: Team Leader, is there any sort of dress code we have to abide by when we’re doing our work?
Team Leader: Well, as you’ll be working from home, of course not.
Me: Great, because it’s a straight up fact that I do my best work when I’m not wearing a shirt.
Person #1: Gross.
Team Leader: Michael, we don’t need to know that. You’re over-sharing and making us all a little bit uncomfortable.
Person #1: Look, I’m not a difficult person, but I think this is sexual harassment.
Me: I think you hear what you want to hear, Cindy.
Person #1: What does that mean?
Me: You sound like somebody who maybe wants to get sexually harassed, you know?
Team Leader: Okay Michael, you are way out of bounds here and if you don’t apologize immediately and stop this conduct, you will be terminated from the project.
Me: Our Dear Leader makes a persuasive argument. Cindy, I am very sorry, I was just making stuff up and trying to be funny, lighten things up a bit while we waited, but I see that I was creepy and inappropriate, and I am really, truly sorry for that.
Person #1: Fine, but I still feel like I need a shower.
Person #2: I think we all do.
Noor: Hello! Sorry I’m late, did I miss anything?
Me: We were just talking about taking a group shower.
Team Leader: Michael, you’re fired.
]]>Q. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A. To live a life free of false reports about Syria, and the constant threat of US propaganda and weaponry insulting and destroying our lives!
Q. What is your greatest fear?
A. Bombs.
Q. Which living person do you most admire?
A. I admire my brothers in the Syrian Electronic Army.
Q. What is your favourite journey?
A. It is when I journey online to hack American systems. I feel like I am visiting the nation myself and that I fight for truth and freedom. Of course, I also look forward to the Haj once I am older, have more money and less threats hanging over my head, and as strange as it may sound, I would also like to see Disneyland.
Q. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
A. Physical strength. It is more important to be strong in the heart and mind. It amazes me that girls– Amira in particular– never seem to see this truth.
Q. On what occasion do you lie?
A. To protect the secrecy of the Syrian Electronic Army.
Q. Which living person do you most despise?
A. I hate Barack Obama very much, as I do Bush 1 and Bush 2, but I truly despise Harout. He is dishonest with the girls that I know, particularly sweet Amira, and he does not care about them, only himself and wrestling. He will know the wrath of the Syrian Electronic Army!
Q. What do you dislike most about your appearance?
A. I would like to be physically bigger and stronger so that I might punch Harout and win Amira from him. I would hit him in the throat so hard he would no longer be able to eat.
Q. What is your greatest regret?
A. It is personal, but it has to do with Amira.
Q. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
A. Next question, please.
Q. What is the trait you deplore most in yourself?
A. Ha! That one is as easy to hack as The Huffington Post! I am terribly messy and you can ask any of my brothers if this is the truth! Also, I do not spend enough time with my pet.
Q. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
A. It is the hypocritical bombing of a free people.
Q. What is your greatest extravagance?
A. Sneakers. I have many pairs, perhaps 20.
Q. When and where were you happiest?
A. It was on the beach at Ras Al Bassit. Amira and I laughed and played in the waves as it rained one early evening. We were dolphins.
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