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Rachelle: Well, how do you know that?
Rachelle: No.
Rachelle: Really?
Rachelle: She pretended to retch?
Rachelle: Because you told her you liked her sneakers?
Rachelle: That is pretty extreme.
Rachelle: Was this one of the sorority girls who lives down the street?
Rachelle: The one who looks like Jennifer Lawrence?
Rachelle: I thought so.
Rachelle: And did you tell her this in a way that sounded like what you really meant was that you wanted to see her naked?
Rachelle: I see.
Rachelle: Yes, of course.
Rachelle: Look, I know you’re just trying to generate some light in this crazy, angry world, Pickle, I get that!
Rachelle: And sure, somebody has to help scantily clad sorority girls who are 30 years younger than you, feel like they’re making the right fashion choices.
Rachelle: Imagine if every time one of them passed by a much, much, much older man and he didn’t say something about what they were wearing? What would happen then? Their self-esteem might just crater and then who knows what might happen?! It could be catastrophic!
Rachelle: I’m not being sarcastic.
Rachelle: No, I’m not.
Rachelle: Nope.
Rachelle: Jesus Pickle, OF COURSE I’m being sarcastic.
Rachelle: It’s amazing to me how slow you are to pick-up on sarcasm!
Rachelle: Like at the park when that woman was complimenting how high you could go on the swings?
Rachelle: That was sarcasm.
Rachelle: And at the drum circle, when that man said that you “displayed a beautiful mastery over movement?”
Rachelle: That was sarcasm, too.
Rachelle: Oh honey, I’m sorry.
Rachelle: I am.
Rachelle: You’re right, sarcasm truly is the lowest form of humour.
Rachelle: Look, it’s taking me longer than I thought here, do you mind picking Jones up from daycare?
Rachelle: Oh, I didn’t realize your group was meeting tonight.
Rachelle: I think it’s sweet that you guys get together and play Dungeons and Drama every month! Do you think you could let Jones join in? He’d love to dress up as Spiderman for it!
Rachelle: Dungeons and Dragons?
Rachelle: Oh, I always thought it was Dungeons and Drama.
Rachelle: I don’t know, I guess because of all the screaming and Lord of the Rings languages. Just seemed really dramatic.
Rachelle: Like an even nerdier version of Improv dramatic.
Rachelle: Whatever.
Rachelle: Okay, I get it.
Rachelle: It’s not a children’s game.
Rachelle: Very sophisticated. Very strategic. Good leadership training.
Rachelle: I’m surprised corporations like Google and Starbucks don’t use it as a training tool for their employees.
Rachelle: It really is a journey of discovery, isn’t it, Pickle?
Rachelle: Yes.
Rachelle: That was about 98% sarcastic.
Rachelle: Okay, don’t worry about it. I’ll pick Jones up, and you, my little Dragonborn Sorcerer, you have a great time playing Dungeons and Diggers! xox
]]>R: My hockey game just ended and I should be there in about 10!
R: No fights.
R: There are never any fights.
R: Well, thank you, I guess.
R: I appreciate that you think I would be good in fight.
R: It’s one of the nicest things you’ve ever said to me.
R: Very romantic.
R: Oh, you got the best seat in the house!
R: Well done, Pickle!
R: Yes, your charm is considerable.
R: I bet the hostess didn’t stand a chance.
R: Those new sneakers really give you a lot of confidence, don’t they?
R: Imagine how you’d feel if you had a driver’s license and a job, too??
R: You’d be made of confidence! You’d probably take over a country or something!
R: I’m not being sarcastic.
R: I’m being cute, playful and funny.
R: Hockey doesn’t make me mean.
R: Oh, Pickle, you know I love you, and I do appreciate that you got there early and used your charm to get us the best table in the place.
R: Yes, you do have a commanding presence. It’s clear from the way that animals always obey you.
R: Our dog, for instance, she really listens!
R: And remember when the squirrel knocked you over and gave you a bloody nose when it stole a lozenge from you?
R: No? Well, you did hit your head pretty hard, it’s possible you got a concussion.
R: Yes, you just keep up with the online brain games and I’m sure you’ll be fine.
R: I know you skipped grade three, but honey, that was a very, very long time ago.
R: WHAT????
R: REALLY??? HOLY FUCK!!
R: For the love of Christ, DO NOT SAY A WORD TO HIM!!
R: I CANNOT BELIEVE JIM CUDDY IS IN THE RESTAURANT!! OMG!
R: NO!!! Do not tell him that you really admired his work in the Bare Naked Ladies!
R: You know damn well he was in Blue Rodeo.
R: But it’s true, I would be a bare naked lady for him!
R: How does he look?
R: Yes, it is interesting that you got the best seat in the house and not him. HOW DOES HE LOOK?
R: Oh, he’s wearing ugly sneakers, is he?
R: I still love him. I would love him in any weather.
R: Whatever you do, pleasepleaseplease don’t speak to him.
R: Please, promise me that.
R: Look, I’m allowed celebrity crushes.
R: I know you’ve been looking at the nudes of Jennifer Lawrence.
R: I know you say you’d never violate her and that it’s a sex crime to look at stolen photos, but your Internet history tells a different story.
R: Look, let’s cut the bullshit, just make sure I’m sitting where I have a clear sight line to him, I’ll be there in 30 seconds.
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