Valentine’s Day Press Briefing by White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer:
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Mr. Spicer: Good afternoon, everybody. Thanks for coming.
As some of the assembled press here might already know, but probably don’t, on account of being spineless merchants of ignorance and lies, is that today is Valentine’s Day.
Named after St. Valentine.
A Christian.
A Christian who was killed by Muslims.
I want those words to sit there for a moment and sink in.
No! No questions yet! We’re going to have a little time-out here and think about Muslims killing an an innocent Christian. A super Christian. The Tom Brady of Christians . That’s right, that’s how goddamn good Saint Valentine was, he was like Tom Brady.
And the Muslims killed him.
Do you know how he was killed?
Anyone?
No? Not one of you geniuses in the press corps has any idea? No, I didn’t think so.
Torture.
He was tortured to death.
Okay, moving on, I’d like to wish my lovely wife Rebecca a Happy Valentine’s Day– baby, you’re the light of my life! They say behind every great man is a great woman, and they’re right, they’re right, Rebecca.
However, the story dominating the news cycle today is the handshake between President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Jerry Trudeau of Canada.
Jerry Trudeau, as you could all see– it was plain as day– has smaller hands than President Trump. Much smaller. It was funny how small they were. The President firmly guided the direction, intensity and length of the handshake. He was in full control at all times. Additionally, Ivanka, a world-class beauty, is much more attractive than Sonja, the Prime Minister’s wife. Is she older than him? We will look into that, but I believe that Sonja is older than Trudeau. Sorry? What did you say, Kellyanne? I can’t hear you above the howling from the media cages! Okay, okay, got it. Sonja is 7 years older than the Prime Minister and has had work done. How much work we are not yet sure.
President Trump, as you all know, can get any woman on the planet, and certainly would never have to stoop to marrying a woman older than him.
Saturday Night Live continues to disgust.
There is no greater example of the corrupt and biased media than this treasonous show. For the record, I was never known as “Sean Sphincter” in high school. Nothing but malicious, mean-spirited lies. Our intelligence service has discovered that next week SNL were planning on having ISIS as their special guest.
Not on our watch.
The President takes the security of the American people very seriously, in fact it is his highest priority, and from this point forward all operations at Saturday Night Live and Nordstrom will be suspended indefinitely. They are welcome to operate out of Iraq and see how they like it there. Additionally, Playboy magazine will be bringing back nudity.
National Security Adviser Michael Flynn has retired in order to spend more time with his family. Here is the full statement from Michael Flynn.
“Working with Donald Trump has been the single greatest honour of my personal and professional life. Secure in the knowledge that the world is in his large, powerful hands, I regretfully tender my resignation, effective immediately, so that I can spend more time with my family.”
Before ending I just want to congratulate Adele for her victory over Beyonce at the Grammy’s.
Very well deserved. All lives matter, people, all lives matter.
Okay, that’s a wrap.
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I’ve been lucky and my hard work has paid off, as in addition to my assembly line work I have been put in charge of all social media for The Box Factory. Up until now the Twitter account (@TheBoxFactory) has been used primarily as a way to establish and communicate factory culture to the employees, and while this will still be a part of our social media strategy, I hope to add an edge to our branding that will help take us to the next level.
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TheBoxFactory: BREAKING!!!! MASS SHOOTING AT THE BOX BARN!!!
TheBoxFactory: Witnesses say that boxes are covered in blood!!
TheBoxFactory: Although there are MANY disgruntled employees working at the Box Barn, Terrorism is most likely responsible!
TheBoxFactory: Authorities report that all boxes from the Box Barn are now considered potentially lethal!
TheBoxFactory: BOXES FROM THE BOX BARN CAN KILL YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES!!
TheBoxFactory: As The Box Factory stands against terror, we are now offering a 15% savings on all of our boxes!!
TheBoxFactory: Remember, after the horrors of 9/11 boxes played a vital role in fighting against terrorism!
TheBoxFactory: Boxes, North America’s unsung hero!
TheBoxFactory: Noble Box Factorians, remember to always wash your hands! A clean Box Factory is a happy Box Factory!
TheBoxFactory: To take your mind off the horrors taking place over at the BOX BARN, here’s a vintage Gift Box classic: https://vimeo.com/148932620
TheBoxBarn: @TheBoxFactory There has been no shooting at the Box Barn!! Everything is fine and our boxes are still the best in town!
TheBoxFactory: There goes the “Lyin’ Box Barn” again! Sad.
TheBoxFactory: Blocked.
TheBoxFactory: HACKED EMAIL FROM THE BOX BARN REVEALS IT IS A FRONT FOR A SEX SLAVERY RING!!
TheBoxFactory: 13 YEAR-OLD GIRL SAYS THE BOX BARN FORCED HER TO LIVE IN A SHODDILY MADE BOX AND HAVE SEX WITH OOZY MANAGEMENT!!
TheBoxFactory: Take our fun quiz and answer five easy questions to determine what kind of box you would be!!
TheBoxFactory: MASS SHOOTING NOW REPORTED AT BOX BONANZA! AUTHORITIES BELIEVE IT’S A COORDINATED TERRORIST ATTACK!!!
TheBoxFactory: Remember, The Box Factory is offering up to 15% off selected boxes for all customers effected by terror!!
TheBoxBonanza: @TheBoxFactory There has been no shooting here! You are lying!! You can’t do this!!
TheBoxFactory: Ha! There goes “Crooked Box Bonanza” again! So dishonest!
TheBoxFactory: The “Crooked Box Bonanza” is the real dick in a box!
TheBoxFactory: Love blocking trolls like “Crooked Box Bonanza” and “Lying Box Barn!” Such losers!
TheBoxFactory: The Box Factory condemns terror in all forms! NEVER will one of our boxes be involved in a terror attack!!
TheBoxFactory: The “Freedom Box Factory” only employs “real” North Americans like Billy, and can terminate any of them at a moment’s notice! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKmcs7ygJbs
TheBoxFactory: The “Freedom Box Factory,” making Boxes Great Again!
]]>TheBoxFactory: Not only is a box an excellent and unexpected Christmas gift, but it’s also what you put the gift in! #Boxenthusiasts
TheBoxFactory: A Christmas box classic! http://ow.ly/rNgZg
TheBoxFactory: Are you getting excited to find out what Santa has in his box for you?
TheBoxFactory: It is important for Box Factory workers to show up on time for their shifts.
TheBoxFactory: The Ultimate Box: The Box To End All Boxes (as featured in The Hobbit). Don’t forget to add this to your Christmas list! #Boxenthusiasts
TheBoxFactory: Employees of The Box Factory, don’t forget the office Christmas party on Dec. 14!
TheBoxFactory: The fridge in the staff kitchen is disgusting. People need to clean out their own rotting food!!!
TheBoxFactory: This fridge needs to be clean by December 14th!
TheBoxFactory: Life in not like a jar of chocolates, it’s like a BOX of chocolates!! http://ow.ly/rNhxD
TheBoxFactory: Appreciate the excellent work on the fridge! Looks like things will be good to go for our big party tomorrow!! Remember, potluck.
TheBoxFactory: We make the best boxes.
TheBoxFactory: Christmas party tonight!! BYOB!! (Bring your own box! LOL!)
TheBoxFactory: I will be bringing a bucket (I mean box!) of KFC! #MichaelMurrayPartyCentral
TheBoxFactory: Am very disappointed to hear that Manuel will be doing the music tonight. It’s going to be a Christian rock kind of Christmas party. Barf.
TheBoxFactory: Party starts at 5:00 sharp!
TheBoxFactory: The first song that Manuel played was about Jesus and sung by white people. Nobody dancing. Way to go, Manny.
TheBoxFactory: Manuel is a loser who makes shitty boxes.
TheBoxFactory: And wears stupid sweaters.#ReasonsToHateManny
TheBoxFactory: Janice and Sandro just snuck off behind the SBM 86.
TheBoxFactory: I think they’re gonna do it again just like last year.
TheBoxFactory: If you hear somebody yell, “Mother of dragons,” you know that Janice and Sandro are breaking company policy and “God’s law.” #ThingsMannyWouldSay
TheBoxFactory: As a reminder: Company Policy: 9:42: The Box Factory prohibits a dating/sexual relationship between one employee and any other, be they full, part-time or temporary, other than his or her spouse.
TheBoxFactory: If I was DJ this is what would be playing: http://ow.ly/rOA9b #fun
TheBoxFactory: Getting nice buzz on.
TheBoxFactory: Didn’t think I could beat Jelena at arm wrestling, but there you have it!!!
TheBoxFactory: Best party ever. I love you Boxonians!
TheBoxFactory: If anybody wants some dope, Marvin is in the parking lot by the loading bay.
TheBoxFactory: Good shit.
TheBoxFactory: Also, potato salad tastes really weird. Might contain some weird ethnic spice. Be warned!!
(The second half of the party Tweets will appear later)
]]>As far as I can tell, Foster’s iconic status was earned for surviving childhood stardom with fewer visible scars than most. This is no small achievement, of course, but it’s not exactly an artistic one. As one friend put it, we feel protective of Foster because we will always see her as the precocious child she was in her defining role in Taxi Driver, and because of this we shelter her.
On Sunday night Foster was given a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes awards. (Helen Hunt, who received her fifth Golden Globe nomination this year was not) As many of you are probably aware, Foster’s speech was a weird, seemingly improvisational flight that had a polarizing effect on the audience at large. Those who instinctively shelter Foster or see in her a champion of intelligence and integrity loved it, while others saw it as a self-serving and deluded Hollywood indulgence. I would fall into the latter camp, I think.
Looking entirely healthy, beautiful and confident, she proceeded to congratulate herself on her appearance and then pretended to come out of the closet, all the while using a tone that diminished those who had previously come out of the closet as somehow self-interested or even vulgar. She then talked about how hard it was for her to lead a normal life, ignoring the possibility that it was hard for anybody to lead a normal life, made a self-important plea for privacy, and then seemed to enjoy flirting and teasing the audience by hinting at retiring from acting (what a national tragedy that would be!) — before publically and somewhat melodramatically, bringing attention to her mother’s dementia. And of course, she chose to do all this from the glittering pulpit of the Golden Globes.
She was a little mixed-up, I think, and far too fast to congratulate herself and dismiss the pedestrian efforts and realities of those who lived outside her bubble of privilege and popular acceptance. It was ironic, to say the very least, that she would choose this platform to champion Mel Gibson, her great friend, instead of pioneers within the LGBT civil rights movement. There was an angry piety to her words that suggested the megalomania of a person who saw herself as a kind of martyr. She seemed small, lonely and disconnected up there on stage, almost cruelly insulated, and it made me sad to see that celebrity had torn her so.
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