Day 1:
Spent half the goddamn day looking for the thing. Turns out Lupita put them in my desk drawer. Never know what that woman is thinking. I don’t hate illegals or anything, but I think she might be stealing from me. Why would she hide magic glasses unless she didn’t want me to see what she was up to?
Day 2:
Had soup.
Chunky Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables.
Came out of microwave way too hot.
Glasses failed to respond to voice command, “Soup, cooler!”
Very disappointing.
Day 3:
Found on button.
Day 4:
Magic glasses allow me to watch TV in my head. Barack Obama continues to destroy the nation with his socialism. Clint Eastwood doesn’t want or need any help from the government. Government, just get out of my damn way!
Also, squirrels making a mess out of the backyard. I won’t need any government intervention to handle this one.
Day 5:
Heard something about that new pope washing the feet of juvenile delinquent girls. Don’t like the sounds of that. Isn’t the Pope just supposed to wash man feet? What the hell has Easter become? Thank God baseball’s started.
Couldn’t find glasses again, then later discovered I was wearing them. Fell asleep early.
Day 6:
Wore magic glasses on shopping expedition to get a heating pad. Woman at the cash was making a big deal about me being ‘the famous Clint Eastwood.” Hate big womanly fusses. She kept asking me to point my finger at her and say, “Do you feel lucky, Rose?” Glasses failed to weaponize upon command and so I just left without buying heating pad.
Very dissatisfied with glasses—Rose still alive, not even wounded, no heating pad and vision hasn’t improved. Google, I’m no longer going to play your game.
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Cab driver took one look at me and said, “guess you’re hoping for a better year, eh?”
And then he said his mother had the “psychic gift” and that he could “tell things.”
Feeling a little scared and vulnerable.
Hate cab driver.
Think he smells like weird soup.
Maybe some “chunky” variety.
Sirloin burger, perhaps.
Taking shitty route while he tries to get me to pay for a psychic reading.
Might be late for party.
Have you ever heard of anything so stupid? A psychic reading by your cab driver?
Feeling very happy I brought my flask out tonight.
How is the party?
Excellent.
Please save a bottle of wine for me!
Driver just said I need to live in a dry climate and should avoid olives.
No, not a clue why he thinks that.
Just hide the bottle in the bathtub. Put a blanket over it.
Okay, I’ll ask him.
He says it will be five bucks.
Bartering to give him lotto ticket instead.
Says I have an allergic aura.
Have you hid the wine?
Just do it!
That’s one of your resolutions, right? Do things!
So, just do it!
Jesus wouldn’t care.
Not stealing, redistribution.
Free market still at play, but regulated!
Am now asking driver what colour allergic aura is.
Says it doesn’t work like that.
I am drunk, yes.
At the address right now.
Driver just asked if I was on the pipe.
Crack pipe.
Because of my teeth.
Fucker.
Giving him expired lotto ticket for his psychic advice.
Yeah!
That bang you heard was me slamming the cab door!
See you soon, love you!
(there is a two hour time period where no text messages were sent)
HAPPAAY 20312 EVERYBODY!!!!
FUCK THE MAYA1!
HIGH HEELS VERY HARD TO DANSS IN.
FUCK11!
SPACE BROWNIES AWESOME
WHERE R UDUDE?
RACHYLLE AND I R AT PARTY
COME ON!
THEREES FUCING DRY ICE ANDHID 2 BOTTLES OF WINE IN OVEN!
This is Rachelle.
Michael is really, really drunk.
Yeah, like in a bad movie.
He’s very sweaty and I think he’s going to be sick.
We’re going to have to leave soon, so if you come, we’ll likely be gone.
DOING IT FUCKEN GAHGHNAMAHA SYTLE!!!!
CANT EAT OLIVES IN NEW YEAR.
BUMMER.
IT SUCKS UP MY AURA OR SOMETHING.
It’s Rachelle again.
We have to go.
He’s showing his scars to a couple.
He just asked them if they were foreign.
JUSS MET SOME CRAZY BRAZILIIAAAANIAS!
ONE WAS BALCK AND THE OTHER WHITE!
FREAK OUT!
It’s Rachelle again.
We’re in the cab home now.
Yes, he was just sick out the window.
Words can’t describe.
I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’ll be able to make brunch tomorrow.
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