“The Invisible Gays” was a Black-Ops project undertaken by the CIA that lasted through the 1950s to 1980. The highly classified covert operation implemented weather manipulation technology, chemical warfare, mind control and the paranormal in an attempt to influence social behaviour and undermine the USSR. Like a weather system, the CIA sought to create  “Homosexual Clouds,” with which they could then target various key groups of Soviet society. This imperceptible cloud would infiltrate certain groups creating gays, or at very least feminine, neutered sensibilities, from what was otherwise very vigorous, heterosexual stock. Through this process the USA hoped to gain the upper hand in the Cold War by emasculating, demoralizing and destabilizing the male-dominated, warrior culture of the Russian empire.

The success and even existence of the operation is still in some debate, although there are many in the West who believe The Invisible Gays played a large role in the eventual collapse of the Soviet Union.

The Invisible Gays and hockey

The “enigmatic” Russian hockey player is said to be a direct result of The Invisible Gays project. Historically, hockey was a very violent sport in Russia, but over the course of the 1970s the game took on an artistic character that saw fighting almost entirely eliminated even though it had always been a beloved and encouraged part of the sport. According to sources within the CIA, “Homosexual Clouds” were directed in greater and greater number into the locker rooms of powerhouse Russian hockey teams like the Red Army and Moscow Dynamo during the 70s, resulting in an effete style of play that lingers in the national character to this day.

Vladimir Putin and The Invisible Gays

It’s believed that Vladimir Putin’s current anti-gay laws have much to do with his knowledge of The Invisible Gays from when he was working for the KGB. Although it has never been confirmed, it is believed that Putin worked exclusively as an anti-The Invisible Gays operative for 6 years, at which time he was exposed to many Homosexual Clouds. Some have posited that this exposure has had lasting effects on the man, leaving deep within him homosexual desires which are now expressed as a repressive rage. Some argue that is a False Flag, and that Putin simply knows from personal experience how dangerous and what a threat The Invisible Gay project, and thus homosexuality, is to stable Russian society.

The Invisible Gays and popular culture

Reclusive American author Thomas Pynchon wrote a novel called The Invisible Gays.

As many of you know, Rob Ford and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time, and it was there where we became last call drinking buddies. Over the years we’ve stayed in contact– usually messaging one another late at night when partying alone–and I’ve been lucky enough to have Rob write some letters for my family and I.

On behalf of my uncle, who was frustrated by his golf club’s new policy that forbid members from feeding any wildlife (squirrels) on the course:

To Whom it May Concern:

Cripes! What’s the harm in tossing a squirrel a bit of your hot dog bun?! A squirrel’s weight is a squirrel’s own goddamn business (LOL!!). What are you, a Soviet golf club? Do you make everybody use the same clubs, too, just to even the playing field so that a man of ambition and means is crippled? I tell you, its a disgusting example of over-governance, is what it is, and if somebody, like Lester Murray, wants to buy a hot dog he should be able to do anything he wants with that damn hot dog, including feeding it to a squirrel!

If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.

Yours Truly,

Rob Ford

On behalf of my wife, who was unable to get on the recreational league ice hockey team that she wanted:

To Whom It May Concern:

This is Toronto Mayor Rob Ford here.

If Rachelle Maynard is not a first-liner on the Annex Assassins for the winter league of 2014, I will shut down Bill Bolton arena and fire all the assholes that work there. Make no mistake, I will do it–closing stuff gives me a hard on.

If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.

Yours Truly,

Rob Ford

On my behalf, as a reference for a job I was applying for at Riverdale Farms.

To Whom it May Concern:

I have known Michael Murray for nearly 25 years, and never in my life have I seen a man who is better with animals. Did you know that he once rescued a baby pigeon and then fed the thing frozen peas– one at a goddamn time– every four hours until it died of natural causes? He did. Jesus damn Christ, he did. I still get weepy just thinking about it.

If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.

Yours Truly,

Rob Ford

PS: Just a reminder, municipal funding for Riverdale Farms is coming up for review next year.

You’re malevolent, like the sort of thing a Super Villain might keep in his utility belt.

When I bought you I thought of the aroma of pumpkin pie, I thought of the gentle touch of a mother, a soft and restorative healing force, but what I received was more like a radioactive explosion. What the fuck are you?!!

You gave me a THIRD degree burn!

That’s the Grizzly Bear of burns! Doctors and nurses were peeling back the bandage and looking at it like it was Two Girls One Cup! And these were medical professionals!

You FUCKER!

Your stupid blue, felt cover, which instantly pills– as if it was some fucking Blow Fish– just falls off like so much flesh from a THIRD DEGREE burn! It’s useless, nothing more than a deception! You would need to be encased in a one-foot thick case of lead—like a coffin—to protect your victims from your deadly Superheat Technology! What, were you some crazy experiment that the Soviets abandoned because it was too dangerous? I am thinking that you were, you bitch.

And listen Death Pad, I was using you exactly as you were designed and as I was instructed to use you. Was it my fault that I fell asleep while watching that excruciatingly boring movie about whales and that your Deception Cover vanished? No, it was not my fault! It was my misfortune! And then vulnerable while asleep, you heat raped me. You burned a fucking hole in my side! I thought I was having a nightmare about global warming, but no, when I was living a nightmare starring you, the evil kill pad!

My therapist tells me a have an abundance of displaced anger and that it’s up to me how I use it. I choose to use it to kill Super Villains.

I am coming after you, you cocksucker, and I am going to set you on goddamn fire. You will also have to pay me forty million dollars or something, because this fucking burn is disgusting and it kills. In fact, the pain is so great that I am now completely addicted to Percocet, which is the only reason this entire letter isn’t written in capitals.

Watch your back, motherfucker.

Michael Murray