That was a bit of a kick in the junk, I tell you, but I’m not the sort of person who will let Big Government keep him down! With this in mind I have started an Adult Entertainment Film Company called Naughty America
and have been writing a series of pornographic scripts for American patriot and sex bomb county clerk Kim Davis, who gained international attention after defying a US federal court order requiring that she issue marriage licenses to same sex couples.
Script #1
(Kim Davis, wearing sweat pants and a sports bra is sitting in the stands at a baseball stadium drinking a beer and watching a young man take batting practice. It is early evening and it appears that Kim and the nubile athlete are the only people there. Sax music plays in the background.)
Kim: You’re just as black as night, aren’t you?
Baseball player: Un día voy a ser rico a través de mis esfuerzos , si Dios quiere.
Kim: (Takes off top and tosses her mullet) I like the way you handle that wood.
Baseball player: (Stops hitting, spits on the ground) I will sex with you once, $100, no lip touches.
Kim: Let it rain, baby, let it rain.
Script #2
(Mug Shot of Kim Davis, background slowly turning into an undulating American flag)
Voiceover: My name is Kim Davis and I’m an American patriot. When God said let there be marriage, he said it was between Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, okay? I am a warrior for God, damn it, and if they put me in prison, well, they’re just putting me closer to God, so it’s really like a promotion. Like the Good Book says, “Then the Philistines seized him and gouged out his eyes; and they brought him down to Gaza and bound him with bronze chains, and he was a grinder in the prison. So there.”
(Fade out and then fade in to scene of Kim Davis naked in the shower. She is very slowly washing herself, and as this progresses, this slow, tender cleansing, she begins to speak to Jesus)
Kim: Clean me, sweet Jesus, clean the hell out of me. There Jesus, there’s a real dirty spot! Clean it, my divine Lord who looks just like Kid Rock, clean it faster!!
That’s it, that’s the purity I’m looking for sweet Lord, that’s it. Oh, you are a good and just Lord, amen, yes, amen!
Script #3
(Kim Davis is in a confessional, Pope Francis is listening on the other side)
Kim: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I am like, crazy turned-on by hot homo guys going at it. (Scene changes to gay sex between two men, while Kim’s voice continues her confession)
Oh, I like them when they’re smooth and when they’re hairy, I like how hard everything is and how they’re as powerful as America or a truck. (A naked Kim Davis is now in the scene with the men) It makes me want to roll around with them, to be their carpet and absorb everything!
Pope Francis: It sounds as if the fever dream a young priest once told unto me in a quiet and dark nook of the Vatican. In his telling, the Rosary beads were for more than just praying, they became a conduit to truly transcendent, Godly feeling. Oh, Brother William, I miss him so.
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Game of Thrones
Littlefinger never trusted Rob Ford, but then again, he never trusted anybody.
“Tell me, where have you hidden it?” He hissed at the stout, bastard Stark warrior.
“I’m not answering your dumb face questions.”
“Always the wily fellow, you are quite the adversary, Mister Ford, quite the adversary.”
Littlefinger, his hands pressed together in contemplation turned his back to the great man. “Perhaps these ladies will help to stir your memory?” He clapped his hands together and two of the most stunning women Rob Ford had even seen in his life walked so softly, so beautifully into the room as to be practically levitating. “Jesus,” Ford stammered, “are they models or cheerleaders or something?” Littlefinger snorted, “They are from the land of Seks Guzellik, home to the most breath-taking women the world has ever seen, trained in the arts of love from, oh, a very tender age. They are yours, Rob Ford, yours, all you have to do is tell me where it’s hidden.”
A look of uncertainty came across Ford’s porcine features, “Frig,” he said, “frig.”
Homeland
It was completely quiet. That was the first thing Carrie noticed, the complete noiselessness that enveloped her, enveloped them. It was awkward. She felt that he was maybe giving her the silent treatment, which was odd, because Rob Ford had invited her into his Escalade. It was also eerie—a sense of foreboding seemed to loom.
She was always thinking of him. She thought of him when she woke in the morning, when she took her pills after she showered, as she picked out her clothes, as she passed through the security gates at Langley, as she came home in the evening, as she lay in bed trying to sleep. RobRobRob. She could not remember the last time she wasn’t thinking about him, and in that way she believed that she knew him intimately. They had been driving for ten minutes—although it seemed more to Carrie—before he said something, “You need to meet my brother, Doug.”
Crepúsculo (Twilight)
Etobicoke es un lugar hermoso, aunque algunos lo ven como una ciudad sangrienta. Soy Rob Ford y yo 26 y tener un corazón del tamaño de una pelota de fútbol. Tengo ojos rojos y mi sed no es agua en absoluto, sino más bien precisa sangre. Yo soy un vampiro, una manera diferente, alrededor de uno. Tengo una dieta muy baja en la sangre comparada con otros vampiros, mientras que matan cinco humanos para satisfacer su sed diaria, estoy satisfecho con la sangre de un humano y puedo vivir con eso durante dos días. Vampiro Rob Ford, tengo un montón de autocontrol y soy muy selectiva con mi presa. Yo puedo ser un vampiro, pero tengo sentimientos.
The Flintstones
Roughly, Rob Ford took Wilma by her red bun. Wilma shrieked, but nobody came to her aid. Fred and Barney were bowling. Rob Ford laughed, high-pitched and nasally, and put his hand on her breast, palming it like a football. He thrust his tongue, that golden tongue that through great oratory had so often dazzled Bedrock, into her ear. “No, Rob Ford,” Wilma whispered, and then even quieter, “no.”
