That was a bit of a kick in the junk, I tell you, but I’m not the sort of person who will let Big Government keep him down! With this in mind I have started an Adult Entertainment Film Company called Naughty America

and have been writing a series of pornographic scripts for American patriot and sex bomb county clerk Kim Davis, who gained international attention after defying a US federal court order requiring that she issue marriage licenses to same sex couples.

Script #1

(Kim Davis, wearing sweat pants and a sports bra is sitting in the stands at a baseball stadium drinking a beer and watching a young man take batting practice. It is early evening and it appears that Kim and the nubile athlete are the only people there. Sax music plays in the background.)

Kim: You’re just as black as night, aren’t you?

Baseball player: Un día voy a ser rico a través de mis esfuerzos , si Dios quiere.

Kim: (Takes off top and tosses her mullet) I like the way you handle that wood.

Baseball player: (Stops hitting, spits on the ground) I will sex with you once, $100, no lip touches.

Kim: Let it rain, baby, let it rain.

Script #2

(Mug Shot of Kim Davis, background slowly turning into an undulating American flag)

Voiceover: My name is Kim Davis and I’m an American patriot. When God said let there be marriage, he said it was between Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve, okay? I am a warrior for God, damn it, and if they put me in prison, well, they’re just putting me closer to God, so it’s really like a promotion. Like the Good Book says, “Then the Philistines seized him and gouged out his eyes; and they brought him down to Gaza and bound him with bronze chains, and he was a grinder in the prison. So there.”

(Fade out and then fade in to scene of Kim Davis naked in the shower. She is very slowly washing herself, and as this progresses, this slow, tender cleansing, she begins to speak to Jesus)

Kim: Clean me, sweet Jesus, clean the hell out of me. There Jesus, there’s a real dirty spot! Clean it, my divine Lord who looks just like Kid Rock, clean it faster!!

That’s it, that’s the purity I’m looking for sweet Lord, that’s it. Oh, you are a good and just Lord, amen, yes, amen!
Script #3

(Kim Davis is in a confessional, Pope Francis is listening on the other side)

Kim: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I am like, crazy turned-on by hot homo guys going at it. (Scene changes to gay sex between two men, while Kim’s voice continues her confession)

Oh, I like them when they’re smooth and when they’re hairy, I like how hard everything is and how they’re as powerful as America or a truck. (A naked Kim Davis is now in the scene with the men) It makes me want to roll around with them, to be their carpet and absorb everything!

Pope Francis: It sounds as if the fever dream a young priest once told unto me in a quiet and dark nook of the Vatican. In his telling, the Rosary beads were for more than just praying, they became a conduit to truly transcendent, Godly feeling. Oh, Brother William, I miss him so.

It’s been a crazy, inspiring and wildly educational time, and as parents, we’ve discovered things about one another that we never imagined might be true. For instance, I’ve learned that I am AMAZING with babies, and as this parenting stuff is such a breeze for me, I’ve decided to open a daycare.

The Spartan Way: Mike’s Daycare

Welcome to The Spartan Way: Mike’s Daycare! This cutting-edge centre is based on ancient principles and is dedicated to sculpting children aged two weeks to six years to become dominant Alpha leaders in the unpredictable dystopia of tomorrow. We believe that modern daycares are over-certified, and our philosophy is that both infants and the free market will always work things out on their own.

“Sinite illos esse , suus ‘iustus a sanguine vulnus.”

The SWMD is committed to providing a level-playing field for all our little warriors, with special favours or attention being granted to none! Our teachers (Rob L. and Donnie C.) are skilled mixed martial artists, have an unyielding love of strong, predatory children and educations that just cannot be taught in a class.

Need more?

Here’s what hockey superstar and political commentator Wayne Gretzky has to say:

“Hi, I’m Wayne Gretzky! During my hockey career I was known as the “Great One.” Let me tell you, when it comes to daycare facilities, The Spartan Way: Mike’s Daycare is the true Great One! It’s always a shot on goal!”

Wayne Gretzky is just one of our many celebrity supporters!

You should know that we develop our lesson plans based on ancient Spartan childrearing techniques, mixed with some modern, libertarian practices. We provide each one of our little Spartans with experiences that will discipline their young minds and bodies, turning their hearts to cold, unflinching steel. Games and competitions are a big part of our curriculum.

In short, we at The Spartan Way: Mike’s Daycare, make strength and discipline fun!

Still, not satisfied?

“Hi, I’m Colin Powell, American statesman and retired four-star general in the US Army. Mike’s Daycare doesn’t simply provide a safe and encouraging environment for your children, no, it teaches that the world is a dangerous and hostile place, and that the child must learn to kill or be killed. This is an invaluable life plan as we head into a future where anarchy and civil war will be unleashed upon a dying planet.”

We have tremendously competitive rates, and provide one meal* a day for each child who finishes amongst the top three in the daily assignments.

Give us a call, find out if your child is right for The Spartan Way: Mike’s Daycare!

*No dietary changes, regardless of allergies, religion, etc, are made to our meal plan as we believe in absolute, unflinching equality.

While out for a run on Canada Day, Joe Killoran came across Toronto Mayor Rob Ford (fresh from an apparently combative two month stint in rehab) and his entourage stomping about Toronto looking for votes. Killoran, who looks a little bit like Zeus or one of those Spartans in the movie 300, began, in an admirably articulate state of rage, to scream at Ford. “Yes,” we collectively said, “these are my words manifest in the pleasing form of a man!” The Ford brothers, normally masters of physical intimidation and the death stare, shrivelled up in Killoran’s presence.

Killoran, stripped to the waist, looked like the truth. Radiating a masculine power that seemed fueled by the archetypes of the 1970’s, Killoran was our single-combat hero. He was what we wanted to see in the mirror, saying what we wanted to say. In short, he was the ideal proxy, and Rob Ford, the actual proxy of Toronto, was it’s pale and receding antithesis.

The irony is that Rob Ford’s narrative positions the Mayor as Toronto’s Everyman. He’s just a regular Joe, a guy who likes helping out the common folk, hates the high-minded, mocking elites and struggles with the same sort of demons that we all do at the end of hard-working day. Ambushed so vividly by an actual regular Joe, the myth was laid bare. Ford, the man who stakes his brand on his ability to connect, his ability to be real, man, was a paper tiger, a bully stripped raw by the confrontation that stood unblinking before him.

It was an entirely awesome and revealing moment, so naturally it’s been co-opted and ruined. Inspired by Killoran, a handful of protestors who look like some agitated soccer dads yelling at the ref from the sidelines, have taken to calling themselves The Shirtless Horde.

One of them, after unconvincingly shouting, “I’m not intimidated by you!” at Rob Ford’s sobriety coach, was actually kicked by him, in the shin, I think. It’s exactly the sort of thing you remember taking place at recess, and as much as I might want to imagine myself the Shirtless Jogger, I do not want to imagine myself a member of The Shirtless Horde.

Even worse than showing us what we really look, The Shirtless Horde has the distinction of reinstalling the Ford myth. Surrounded by their limp chants, Ford puffs up– like he’s just eaten some spinach– and once again projects the confidence of a man who believes the script that he’s just here to bring some sense and fiscal restraint to a downtown that’s spun wildly, indulgently out of control, and this, this will be an exhausting way for us to spend the rest of our summer, so Shirtless Horde, please stop, your work is done.