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Spice Girls – Welcome To The Magical Friendship Squad! http://michaelmurray.ca Michael Murray Writes Things Tue, 11 Sep 2012 16:37:20 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.3 A Conversation With Toronto Mayor Rob Ford http://michaelmurray.ca/a-conversation-with-toronto-mayor-rob-ford http://michaelmurray.ca/a-conversation-with-toronto-mayor-rob-ford#respond Mon, 20 Aug 2012 16:32:38 +0000 http://michaelmurray.ca/?p=2560 Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is a man’s man. He likes the things that most guys do– small government, football, hot chicks, barbeque, cars and not being told what to do. He’s a man of the people, Rob Ford, and as the straight shooting son-of-a-gun that he is, he often finds himself in trouble with the downtown elite. No matter, Rob just has to be Rob, and there aren’t enough handlers on the planet to make him a phony.

As some of you may know, Rob Ford was enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa back in the 1980’s and he and I used to be last-call regulars at the same bar. We haven’t seen one another in 20 years and have never had a sober conversation, but we were drinking buddies and as such continue to have short, on-line chats whenever one of us is drinking alone.

On Friday morning at 1:39, I got this message from Rob:

Rob: Hey Mur, you catch the Olympics?

Me: Slobber! It was a Bronze Bonanza for Canada, my man!!

Rob: How ‘bout that Udon Bolt guy, eh? The night before he won all the races he did three chicks from the Swedish handjob, I mean handball team! What a stud!!

Me: Usain Bolt, he should be the new James Bond.

Rob: Yeah, that lightning Bolt guy. If I were in his position I’d do some of the lady divers. It turns my crank when they’re all wet and then shower and go into that hot tub together. Love to party with them, man. SHOOTERS!!!

Me: SHOOTERS!!!!

Rob: asadafsdafdpaaaaf9as9d0as

Me: ????

Rob: Fucken cat just walked over the laptop.

Me: Oh.

Rob: I wana get a big dog, call him Flat Screen, but the wife won’t let me. Says I’ll never take him for a walk.

Me: You wouldn’t.

Rob: HAHAAHAHAHAHA! Ain’t it the truth!

Rob: Mur, I tell ya, I just can’t root for Canada during the Olympics. They’re losers. It’s the USA for me, just respect the way they go about stuff, you know? Look at the way they handle war, football, cars, food and stuff. They got it going on. And Jennifer Aniston, too!!!

Me: She’s always been your special friend.

Rob:  BOURBON!!!

Me: Bourbon shooters for all!!

Rob: And US cars rule!  I got a new ride, an Escalade.

Me: The Escalade, that’s what all the rappers sing about, right?

Rob: You know it, little brother. Big shit storm up in Toronto about my ride.

Me: What happened?

Rob: Some fart hole took a picture of me reading while driving down the Expressway. Wasn’t even breaking 100! Now all the green-freaks are on my ass. They can kiss MY ASS!! HAAAHAAHAH!!

Me: I hear you, Slobber.

Rob: Goddamn Escalade drives itself—you don’t need to be paying attention. Things a tank! Couldn’t hurt myself if I tried!

Me: What music do you listen when you’re driving?

Rob: RATT. They really clear the brainpan. Psyche’s me up for the day.

Me: Cool. Did you see the Spice Girls at the closing ceremonies for the Olympics? Still looked pretty good, eh?

Rob: Oh Yeah! Ginger for me, man. And Posh. And Scary. And the other one, Baby, they can all hop in the hot tub with me and the diver girls!!! SPLISHSSSPLASHSPLISHSPLASSH!! But not Sporty, she’s like a dude.

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To give you an idea of what I’m talking about, I present a couple of Tweets coming out of the Old Spice marketing factory:

“Why would anyone complain about it being so hot out you can cook bacon on the hood of your car? Seems like a good thing to me.”

“With Old Spice Danger Zone you’ll smell like volcano powered motorcycles and ninja punching.”

“Velociraptor training is one of those things that’s best left to the experts.”

You get the picture.

A recent Tweet by Old Spice read:

“Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertizing.”

Unexpectedly, they go this response from Taco Bell that started up a great Corporate Twitter War.

Taco Bell

@OldSpice Is your deodorant made with really old spices?

 

Old Spice

@TacoBell You should be giving out Old Spice Danger Zone with each one of your manky burritos. Those things smell like some sweaty disease.

 

Taco Bell

@OldSpice Why do you collaborate with the Taliban? Doesn’t America mean anything to you?

 

Old Spice

@TacoBell If you were an Olympic Event you would be diarrhea.

 

Taco Bell

@OldSpice You’re soap on a dope.

 

Old Spice

@TacoBell Is it true you slaughter all your meat by crossbow?

 

Taco Bell

@OldSpice Aluminum Chloride, an agent commonly found in deodorants, causes breast cancer.

 

Old Spice

@TacoBell Your face causes breast cancer.

 

Taco Bell

@OldSpice Girls hate you because you smell bad, no amount of compensating will ever make up for that.

 

OldSpice

@TacoBell Only 36% of your “Taco Beef Filling” is actually beef. What makes up the other 64%? My guess is AIDS.

 

Taco Bell

@OldSpice Old, rotten, cancer-causing Spice is owned by Mormons who wear funny underwear. Also, girls hate your tiny, taco beef filling.

Old Spice

@TacoBell I think I could punch you in the face now.

 

Taco Bell

@OldSpice You mean flail about girlishly with your eyes closed, don’t you?

 

Old Spice

@TacoBell No, I mean punch you in the face with a jagged brick and then watch you bleed “Taco Beef Filling” through your hair net.

 

Taco Bell

@ OldSpice Are you getting turned on?

 

Old Spice

@TacoBell Yes.

 

Taco Bell

@OldSpice Let’s merge, let’s merge now!!

 

Old Spice

@TacoBell Turn off the web cam!! I mean, turn it on, turn it on!!

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