I have been a huge fan of yours ever since Winter’s Bone. You are my Ozark Mountains, and our substantial difference in age, looks and talent does not make the purity of my affection creepy. It makes it real, and you Jennifer Lawrence are real. We should be together.

Michael Murray

Dear Jennifer:

I dreamed that you and I were walking along a beach together, holding hands. I was worried that a small sand crab might bite one of your bare feet, but you weren’t. “Hush now, my little turtle, “ you said, the salt air breezing through your hair.

Michael Murray

Dear Jennifer:

I saw you in The Hunger Games and I have to say, “I’m hungry for you!” Haha!  No, that would be creepy and I’m not creepy. Would you come to my birthday party? If the answer is yes, please where a white dress in your next televised appearance, but black if it’s no.

Michael Murray

Dear Jennifer:

I consider myself a feminist and believe in equal rights for women. I just want you to know that. I would fight for your rights.

Michael Murray

PS: Anne Hathaway is a bitch

Dear Jennifer:

I think it’s really cool that you served as an assistant nurse at the summer camp your mother ran while growing up. I tell you, if I was attending that camp, I would have been sick with stomach problems all the time! You should star in a movie about a nurse who falls in love with an older hernia patient and then has a forbidden and torrid affair with him. I have some drawings and notes if you’d like to see them.

Michael Murray

PS: Please send an autographed photograph.

Dear Jennifer:

The other day I had a dream that some breed of super rats were attacking me. I was valiantly fighting them off, but there were too many of them and all I could feel were their horrible teeth and claws slashing at me. And then you came into the room and everything smelled like pumpkins and the rats vanished. Holding hands, we ran together into a forest, the sound of waterfalls in the distance.

Michael Murray

Julia,

I know what you’re saying.

One night while in high school my friends and I were driving around in somebody’s father’s Mercedes. We had music blaring out the open windows. All virgins, we were a genial pack of average boys, but we thought we were pretty cool—real catches.

A girl I thought was pretty was walking along the street and I yelled out, “nice calves!” She kind of smiled at this remark, saying something deflective and neutral, and we mistook this for encouragement. We thought that this was probably the best thing that had ever happened to her– a car full of cool guys paying her attention. We drove slowly alongside of her, offering her a ride and attempting a flirtatious posture. She was smiling, but she began to walk faster as this attempted seduction proceeded, and then she began to trot. And when she looked back at us there was terror on her face, and she yelled, “Please, please, please, just leave me alone!”

And then the car was still and quiet except for the music.

It is a moment I have never forgotten.

You were right to say what you did to him.

Always your uncle,

Alan, xoxox