Well, the time has come!
Having experienced many medical crises in my lifetime, I know a thing or two about the chattering beast that is anxiety. However, my story is one of hope, as I was able to conquer my anxiety using a variety of techniques that I hope to share with the public.
This is a partial transcript of Anxiety Nation, my first podcast:
(Introductory music of Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie plays)
“Hi, I’m Michael Murray, host of Anxiety Nation!
It’s on this podcast where I hope to create a safe space for you, a place where we can openly share our experiences with anxiety and strategies to overcome it. Although I’ll be our guide on this journey, I want you to know that we’re all equal partners in this voyage, and that it will be always be a collaborative, team effort.
I just want to take a moment to identify our introductory music, the classic Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie. It’s just an amazing piece of music. Although its true the artists who brought us this great song both died before their time, and that we’ll all die much sooner than we expect, you shouldn’t let that cold, barren fact alter your mood! No, that would be NEGATIVE thinking, and we’re about positivity here!
“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.”
Helen Keller said that.
She was deafblind.
Imagine that.
She couldn’t see or hear her enemies approaching.
Anyway, if Helen Keller could manage her anxiety, then so can we!
Okay, how’s everybody feeling? Good, I hope! Before we proceed with today’s lesson, I just want to remind you that you shouldn’t still be thinking or obsessing about how Freddie Mercury and David Bowie died.
It was from AIDS and cancer for those of you who might have forgotten, and it’s true, these diseases kill without prejudice– they just take you. Anyway, that should be out of your heads! DON’T FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE, because by doing that you can start a cycle that’s nearly impossible to break.
Okay, let’s clear our heads of death and disease.
Let’s all close our eyes, take a deep breath and think about all the beauty that Freddie Mercury and David Bowie brought into our lives. Breathe in the good, exhale the bad, breathe in the good, exhale the bad.
Good. Feel better?
Yes, yes.
Okay, I’ve created a 21 day program that I’d like to share with you that should help alleviate any anxiety you might be suffering and put a little spring in your step.
Day 1
Drink eight glasses of FILTERED water each day. It’s very important to stay hydrated. Your mental health is directly tied to your physical health. They say Freddie Mercury weighed less than 100 pounds at his death. David Bowie probably did, too. People associate weight loss with health, but really, when most people die they’re at their thinnest. Just something to think about.
No tap water, by the way. Chemicals in there. Heavy metals and God knows what else. Tap water is VERY dangerous. Just look at Flint, Michigan.
You must drink FILTERED water. Eight glasses. Nine is too many, something could happen. Just drink eight.
(Beeping sound from a phone goes off)
Jesus! What the hell is that??!!
Does anyone else hear it?
(Something falls and a dog begins to bark hysterically, podcast ends.)
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THE SITUATION
I was really looking forward to having sushi for lunch. I walked all the way to Sushi on Bloor and then back home, and when I put MY LUNCH down on the coffee table and went ( FOR JUST ONE MINUTE) to get some water, the dog ate every last bit of sushi that there was.
YOUR MOODS (rate each mood 0-100%)
Enraged 180%
Depressed 90%
Humiliated 60%
THOUGHTS (highlight the HOT thought)
I will regret killing the dog.
Rachelle will be inconsolable if I kill the dog.
HOT THOUGHT—SHOULD I STILL KILL THE DOG?
Can you go to jail for killing a dog?
Will I have a heart attack if I attack the dog?
Why does the dog hate me?
What does it feel like to be an Alpha?
Why is the world against me?
THE SITUATION
Rachelle and I were watching Game of Thrones and Ygritte, Jon Snow’s love, died.
YOUR MOODS
Depressed 200%
Frustrated 200%
Angry 200%
Hurt 200%
Insecure 30%
THOUGHTS
WHY THE FUCK DOES GAME OF THRONES KEEP KILLING OFF ALL THE PEOPLE I LIKE?? JESUS! THE PEOPLE WHO MAKE THE SHOW ARE MONSTERS!! THE LOVE STORY BETWEEN YGRITTE AND JON WAS COMPLEX AND TRUE AND ONE OF THE FEW GLIMPSES OF LIGHT IN THE DEATH AND SORROW FEST THAT IS GAME OF THRONES AND THEN THEY GO AND KILL HER! IT WAS MEAN, JUST FUCKING CRUEL! CAN THERE BE NO BEAUTY IN THIS WORLD???!!! (THIS IS ALL A HOT THOUGHT) I TOOK AN ATIVAN HOPING TO RELAX, BUT IT DID NOT KICK IN FOR AN HOUR AT WHICH POINT THE EPISODE WAS ALREADY OVER. THE DARK MOOD STAYED WITH ME FOR DAYS.
THE SITUATION
Jose Fernandez, star pitcher of the Florida Marlins and of my fantasy baseball team A Fury of Pigeons, had season ending surgery thus scuttling my chances of winning the league this year.
YOUR MOODS
Depression (100%)
Anger (100%)
Jealousy (80%)
Bitterness (200%)
THOUGHTS
This cannot be happening.
Somebody is playing a big trick on me.
It’s a massive conspiracy.
There is a massive conspiracy afoot to make me have a heart attack.
HOT THOUGHT–I LOVE JOSE FERNANDEZ SO MUCH.
I love Jose Fernandez more than I loved Ygritte.
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In talking to a doctor about this, it was suggested that I try Mindful Meditation as a way to help ground this impulse, the idea being that I’d learn to live more attentively in the moment and bring some stillness to my life. I should state that that I am the opposite of a Mindful person, by which I mean I barely exist in the moment, possessing an analytic mind that almost exclusively inhabits the future or past, and that slowing down and not thinking—just “being”–is virtually impossible for me.
Before the classes began, I had an orientation session. The waiting room had rugs on the wall, constantly flowing water, plants and little statues of Buddha all over the place, emitting an aggressively, “mindfully” organic ambience. The woman who walked out her office to greet me had a creepy tranquility beaming from her eyes and looked at me with unnerving sincerity. She spoke in an even, robotic voice that never varied. It was creepy, like Nurse Ratched, and it made me nervous, and the more she talked in this manner, the more anxious, almost angry, I felt myself becoming.
Her: What are you doing?
Me: (Hastily putting away my iPhone.) Not being Mindful?
Her: What would a Mindful person be doing?
Me: Experiencing the fabric of the chair I’m sitting on?
Her: That’s good Michael, now follow me.
Me: You know, the music in the waiting room surprises me.
Her: That’s interesting, Michael. What is it about the music that causes you such anxiety?
Me: Well, it doesn’t make me anxious, it was just something I noticed.
Her: (Silently staring back at me, waiting for elaboration.)
Me: With the whole Buddhist thing going on here, all the fountains and enforced serenity, I did not expect AM radio to be playing.
Her: I see. What did you expect?
Me: Maybe Brian Eno, some gentle, distant gongs, perhaps, but certainly not somebody excitedly trying to sell me cars, you know?
Her: Have you started your Happiness Jar?
Me: No, I forgot. I’ve been really busy.
Her: You haven’t been Mindful.
Me: No.
Her; I want you to think of something you’re happy for, write it down on a piece of paper and put it in your Happiness Jar when you get home, okay? Michael, tell me, what are you happy for?
Me: My iPhone.
Her: How about this blue, shining day, this day that just is, are you happy for that?
Me: (An angry sigh, and words now tense) Yes. I am happy for this blue, shining day, dammit.
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