Me: Thanks so much for sitting down with me.
Jane: It’s my pleasure, jobs, justice and particularly climate change are the defining issues of our times, and with what little time I have left, I want to do all I can to bring attention to them.
Me: Of course, of course. Nice hat, by the way—I think it says, “Let’s Change The World Now!” At any rate, you said, “with what little time I have left,” how old are you?
Jane: I am 77 years-old, and fortunately I’m in good health and have lots of energy, so I’m very hopeful that I can keep using my celebrity to bring attention to these causes before it’s too late.
Me: My mother is 77 years-old and she doesn’t look anything like you. Practically a different species.
Jane: I’m sure your mother is a very, very lovely woman, although looking at you I’d think she was much older than 77. But anyway, I’m from Hollywood and I’ve had so much work done I’m practically a cyborg.
Me: Ha!! A sex-cyborg! That’s funny! I’d love to see a Jane Fonda sex-cyborg. I hope the Japanese invent one after you’re dead. But back to the interview. You can imagine how confusing it was for me growing up to have you on one hand, a hot star I wanted to have sex with, and my mother on the other hand– and both being the same age! Very mixed-up– still am, I guess!!
Jane: Well, I hope you got some help for that. That’s one of the good things about Canada, it has universal health care so that people with mental illnesses such as yourself, can be treated.
Me: I loved you in Barbarella. When you made that film, did you have any idea how many strip clubs in North America were going to name themselves Barbarella’s? There must be hundreds, probably thousands.
Jane: The sex industry is a very complicated one, but what is clear is that women should have the right to do what they want with their bodies, be it free choice, stripping or prostitution. We need to enact laws to protect and empower women so that they’re in control of their bodies and lives, treated fairly and in a safe environment.
Me: Okay, good point. This one is a three-parter: Is acting a form of prostitution? Does Hollywood treat women fairly? Do you have sex with all of your leading men, or women, such as the case may be?
Jane: Yes, I think that acting is a form of prostitution, and…
Me: I have never in all of my years been to a prostitute. Never had to pay for it.
Jane: As I was saying, Hollywood has a long, long way to go before men and women are treated equally, particularly older women. Once you hit a certain age, the roles just vanish and you become invisible!
Me: Which is why you’re at a rally in Canada instead of, saying, selling aerobics videos
or starring as a lawyer or sexy, mean matriarch in some movie. I get it. They say that women in Hollywood have a best before date, a point where they become unfuckable. Do you think you became unfuckable, and if so, at what point in your career? Maybe Stanley and Iris or Monster-in-Law?
Jane: (Gets up and leaves)
]]>This writing business isn’t working out for me. I type slowly, my grammar is atrocious, I’m getting dimmer and more confused as I age, and of course, there’s no money to be made. The best thing for me, instead of just growing more bitter, unsuccessful and out of touch, is to simply step away from the industry as gracefully as possible and throw my passions into something else.
I’m going to become a doula.
As fate would have it, some good friends of mine are expecting a baby in about six months, and one night over dinner they commented that I have a knack for always making those around me feel really comfortable and at ease and that they hoped they could get a doula that was as good at that as me. Right then and there I volunteered to be their doula and they jumped at the chance.
In preparation for my new role, in which it will be my job to assist Tina before, during, or after childbirth, as well as her partner Raoul, (by providing physical assistance, and emotional support), I have been studying online, reading various pamphlets and sending encouraging emails. What follows are some of the emails I have sent the expectant couple:
Tina:
I just wanted to check in, making sure that you were eating properly and getting all of the required nutrients. Remember, eggs and bone marrow make a great breakfast for mother’s-to-be!
You’re doing great and don’t worry about your new neck fat, the odd’s are in your favour that it’s not thyroid cancer!
Namaste,
Michael Murray, Doula
“IF I CAN DREAM IT, I CAN ACHIEVE IT.”
Tina:
You’re probably feeling pretty low now, but take solace in the fact that you were once beautiful and that many (some) men like big women. And in answer to your question, I have done quite a bit of research and the general consensus is that the pain associated with giving birth is really quite extreme. You’re going to make a great mother!! (Also, no, I do not know what doula means, but I will find out!!)
Namaste,
Michael Murray, Doula
“EVERYTHING HAS BEAUTY, BUT NOT EVERYONE CAN SEE.”
Tina:
STAY AWAY FROM GREEN TEA AT ALL COSTS!!!! IT COULD DAMAGE THE BABY’S DNA AND CREATE MUTATIONS IN THE CHILD!! (Hope it’s not too late!)
Namaste,
Michael Murray, Doula
“TRY TO BE LIKE THE TURTLE—COMFORTABLE IN YOUR OWN SHELL.”
Raoul:
As your family’s doula, it’s not just my job to tend to the needs of your wife Tina, but to yours, too. I know this is a very stressful time for you, especially with you trying to build a rocking cradle before the baby is born, and you probably have a lot of questions about what your new life is going to be like, whether things in the bedroom with your wife will ever be the same (no) or if you’ll be exhausted all the time (yes). In order to ameliorate these anxieties, I am going to schedule one-on-one therapy sessions each week at The House of Lancaster in Parkdale (There are new, more generous rules on touching). 
Here, we will discuss matters of new parenting and hopefully take your mind off your worries. (The expense of these field trips will be embedded in my bill to you and Tina every two weeks.)
Namaste,
Michael Murray, Doula
“FALL SEVEN TIMES AND STAND UP EIGHT.”
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The ocean is a colour of an unbelievable perfection.
The sun is shining and there is a clarifying breeze off the water.
Confident and pretty girls, each one with a naturally flirty smile, pose for photographs that will soon appear on Facebook. Other girls, with accents as sweet and naïve as a romance movie, have just arrived from England. These girls are so pale and young that they look vulnerable, as if they need somebody there to wrap a towel around their shoulders.
After about 20 minutes an announcement is made that the Captain has an urgent message for one of the passengers, Samara. Looking as if she knows she’s about to be crowned beauty queen, Samara, smiling back at her friends, coyly approaches. It’s her 21st birthday! She ‘s given a pink sash and has her photograph taken with her two giggling sisters, a picture of joy and beauty she will return to for the rest of her life.
The boat anchors for lunch and Jet Skis, like predators, circle the boat, the young men beckoning to the girls, “Let me take you for a ride, sister.” There is snorkeling and swimming on offer, and everybody, some swinging off a rope, other diving off a board, splash into the water. As if at the center of dance circle, each one is briefly the focus of all attention, and they are all so young and perfect that they’re practically emitting light.
A pretty German woman with a warm and sweet face has taken her mother on this cruise. The older woman is probably in her mid-70s, and it was clearly difficult for her to get in the water but she did. And when she arose into the throng of 20 year olds, all screaming and laughing and dancing, she, too, became young and luminous, and the look of shared joy, satisfaction and love that passed between daughter and mother stopped time right there in it’s beautiful tracks.
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Shortly after this stunner was completed, the Jays signed Melky Cabrera, thus transforming their team into serious contenders to win the American League East.
Canadian sports teams have long had a hard time persuading foreign-born players to sign contracts here, as many players know very little about Canada, fear the taxes and imagine that they can make greater endorsement money in the United States. As such, the Toronto Blue Jays send a letter to all new players in an effort to familiarize them with their new environment, hoping to ease the transition and help teach them everything that they might need to know in order to prosper in Canada and more specifically, Toronto. This is the letter that the Blue Jays sent out to their most recent acquisitions:
Welcome new Blue Jays!
Let us first say that we’re absolutely thrilled to have you as part of our organization and are looking forward to a great year that will hopefully see us all working together to win the World Series!
All trades are disorienting experiences, especially when they involve moving to a new country and so we want to tell you a little bit about your new home to make your life as a Toronto Blue Jay as easy and fun as possible!
Canada is a geographically large country with over 30 million inhabitants and 3 million lakes. That’s one lake for every 10 people in the nation! You might think that Canadians would be expert swimmers or subsist on a strictly fish diet, but this is not true at all. Canadians have a diet very similar to Americans and are good at hockey, a sport that involves skating on frozen water. However, baseball is very popular here, too, and as young, rich professional athletes you will enjoy every opportunity you might expect.
There is Internet in Canada and you will find plenty of sexual opportunity here. Rape and sexual assault are considered serious crimes, and although we will have teams of lawyers helping you out, you are not allowed to grope or have sex based on a vibe. You need consent, but rest assured almost all women will willingly want to have sex with you, so this shouldn’t be a problem at all.
This brings us to another point. Many men will also want to have sex with you. Toronto is a very large (5 million people) city with a lot of cultural and ethnic diversity, and some of this diversity includes gay people. Gay people like to have sex with members of their own gender. But remember, what is true for a woman is also true for a man, (Canada is a land of equality!) so a gay man cannot rape or molest you unless they have your explicit permission to do so. As repulsive as this may be to you, it is important that you do not go out of your way to insult the gay community in Toronto, so beating them up or making slanderous comments comparing opponents to fags is strongly discouraged.
Unfortunately Pit Bulls are banned and you will not be able to bring any of your warrior-pets into the country. In general, dog fighting is frowned upon in Canada and people treat dogs almost as if they were small children instead of extensions of an individual’s masculinity. You are welcome to bring in other, deadly breeds, though, just not the Pit Bull.
Many Americans consider Medicare to be an attack on their civil liberties. Canada does have a free health care system for all of its citizens, but you are under no obligation to use it. Buffalo is very close to Canada, and you are welcome to go there and pay for all of your medical needs and abortions.
Real Estate is expensive in Toronto, but as you are wealthy this should not pose a significant problem. Many players like to simply rent a luxury suite at the Rogers Centre where we play baseball, and keep a home with their wife and children in another country. This is an excellent strategy for maintaining strict separation between mistresses and families. Veterans on your team will guide you on this matter.
List of Toronto Strip Clubs:
The Brass Rail
701 Yonge Street.
This is a very well known strip club and although you can expect special service, you will very likely be recognized.
The Landing Strip
191 Carlingview Drive
Out near the airport, this one has a little bit of edge. The women are generally less attractive but they are inexpensive.
Club Paradise
1313 Bloor W.
Very popular with people of colour.
The Lounge
1820 Dundas Street East
This features male and shemale strippers. Do not make a rookie mistake!
Contrary to popular mythology, Bigfoot sightings are still very rare in Canada.
Welcome to the Blue Jay family!
As many of you know, Rob Ford and I went to Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time and were last call drinking buddies. Although we’ve never had a sober conversation, we developed a strange but resilient friendship, one that sees us communicate even to this day. Whenever one of us is drinking alone, we often go on-line to chat with one another, a sort of nostalgic slur back to the good old days.
At about 3:00 am on Saturday, as Toronto’s Nuit Blanche arts festival was winding down, I got this message from Rob:
The Mayor: Her Mur, you there? You go to the French thing last night?
Me: Rob! You mean Nuit Blanche?
The Mayor: Yeah, the farts festival.
Me: What were you doing there? You’re not a fart fan!
The Mayor: Who says?? BTFSPLK!!!! LOLOLO!! Hey, uever hit a raccoon with a rock?
Me: Tried to, but always missed.
The Mayor: Always threw like a girl, Murray! Honest to god, thought ur a fag until we went to that peeler together!
Me: Juicy Lucy’s.
The Mayor: Loved that place. Wanted Sylvie so baaaddd!!!
Me: What about the raccoon?
The Mayor: Pegged it right in the head, thing fell off the fire escape. I was a goddamn hero, but the press never runs those stories.
Me: Slobber, you should have been the quarterback.
The Mayor: Always the QB inside, Mur, u know that.
Me: So how was your night of arts?
The Mayor: Fuckin’ AWESOME!!!
Me: What’d ya see?
The Mayor: My brother and I dressed up as Droogs from a Clockwork Orange!! Got hammered!
Me: You gotta always hide from the press, eh?
The Mayor: Always wanted to be a Droog. Relate to the Droog. DROOOOOOGGG!!
Me: DROOOOOGG!!
The Mayor: We tipped over some shitter that some dick was in.
Me: He crossed the wrong fucking Droogs!
The Mayor: Ain’t that the truth! Doug and I were yelling at some chick to show us her tits and then this fancy Charlie got all feminazi on us so we taught him a lesson.
Me: You ‘da Mayor!!
The Mayor: Fuckin’ right, little buddy. And let me tell you, if that pirate girl Justin Trudeau runs for Prime Minisiter, I’m quitting this job and running against him. Show him what a real man smells like! Ford’s Fist, Fucker, Ford’s Fist. Outta Rye, catch ya later little buddy!
