I recently started a business in which I provide sexual misconduct apology letters for a wide variety of clients. If you need a sexual misconduct apology letter, please consider my affordable and highly effective services. Here are some excerpts of work I have done for various clients:

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1. It is with great anguish that I heard of that lady’s recollection about our night together in 1991. While her memory of that evening is very different from mine, it is now clear to me that her feelings of fear and intimidation are real. After all, I am a powerful Alpha male with many yachts and yes-men. However, in spite of this I have never been unusually violent, although I have been thoughtless and insensitive in some of my relationships over my many decades of sexual activity, and I sincerely and humbly apologize for accepting any blowjobs that were given out of ambition rather than love.

I am an ally to women everywhere.

2. Recently, there has been a little bit of coverage about some of my past behaviour in the “news.” I have made many mistakes and I am so very sorry that I have disappointed my friends, family, fans and beautiful team. My behaviour was wrong and there are no excuses. Although it is very difficult at the top, I take full responsibility for whatever my actions were, because that’s what a leader and Master Chef does.

Sharing the joys of Italian food with all of you each week is an honour and privilege. Without the support of all of you—my fans—I would never have a forum in which to combat the scourge that is sexual misconduct, so I want to thank you for giving me an opportunity to advance the cause for women all over the world. And in case you’re searching for a holiday-inspired breakfast, especially the mother’s out there, this link to Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls are a fan favourite!

3. As a college student on staff at a church in Texas more than 20 years ago, I regretfully had a sexual incident with a female high school senior in the church. At the time I thought ******’s form fitting sweater was a sign that my sexual gratification was God’s will. I see now that this wasn’t true, and that her sweater and strawberry lip gloss were in fact the devil’s beguiling handiwork. I sinned, Holy Spirit, I sinned, and I humbly ask if you would take this prayer and touch ******’s heart in the way that only you can and heal her of the pain that was caused from this sin 20 years ago. #Metoo #Timesup #IBelieveEve

4. Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. I have hired three lovely assistants to coach me in this endeavour, and have quit kite surfing in Barbados in order to better focus my energies on the important task at hand. The last two days have forced me to take a very hard look at all of my surviving sex tapes, and I see now that I was not acting the way a leading ally to women should have acted. I am very sorry, and ask all of those feeling pain to please apply this coupon code for a 15% discount on your next Cineplex experience!

When the waitress brings me the bill she sucks in her cheeks like a super-model and shakes her shoulders from side to side, “Good music tonight”, she says.

George Michael is playing.

Freedom.

I like her, although I am not entirely sure why. Maybe it’s because she’s wearing a grey t-shirt just like the one you had. Maybe that’s all there is to it. Maybe I like her because the grey t-shirt she’s wearing connects me to you, helps me to draw a line back to your body.

At the table next to me sits a couple. The man has thick fingers and puffy eyes, and the woman is skinny and looks reflexively defensive, like she’s used to evading attack. They are speaking slowly, as if English were their second language, but it’s not. They’re just drunk and concentrating, trying to summon something true from their well of hurt. He looks into his glass and then up into her wary eyes, “There is something about you I have been missing so much,” he says.

And the waitress, looking from side to side at the nearly empty pub, sighs as I dig out my credit card to pay the bill. I ask her why the heavy sigh. She tells me that it’s been a long day.

And then there is a pause, and in that moment the space between us fills with something.

It’s sadness.

It’s desire.

And we look at one another, our invisible lives inching closer now, everything closer.

Donald J Trump: I am honoured to announce that Jose Canseco will now be serving as the US ambassador to Pakistan.

Donald J Trump: Jose Canseco, great guy and helluva ballplayer. Got to know him well on Celebrity Apprentice. Made great pizza under pressure. Only used the highest quality ingredients. Shouted out the orders clearly.

Donald J Trump: Didn’t always like the way he looked at Ivanka, but what can you do? He’s a man. I’m her father, and I still look. What curves. She’s a 10.

Donald J Trump: Jose has slept with countless women. Quality, deluxe women.

Donald J Trump: But not Ivanka.

Donald J Trump: Pakistania, lock up your ladies!

Donald J Trump: Very proud to announce that still hot ex-supermodel Nicki Taylor is the new US Ambassador to Russia.

Donald J Trump: Way she handled Gary Busey on Celebrity Apprentice made it clear to me that she can handle whatever you throw at her.

Donald J Trump: You can thank me later, Russia.

Donald J Trump: I am honoured to announce that the great WWE superstar star Goldberg, will now be the US Ambassador to the Jews.

Donald J Trump: Pure winner. Went 173 matches without a single loss. Commanding presence on Celebrity Apprentice. Can lift a helicopter over his head.

Donald J Trump: Should really turn things around for the Jews– bring our people closer together after all Hillary did to tear us apart.

Donald J Trump: Palestinia, you better watch your step.

Donald J Trump: Proud to announce that the beautiful Kaitlyn Schoeffel, Miss New Jersey 2017, will be the new US Ambassador to casinos all around the world.

Donald J Trump: Real firecracker.

Donald J Trump: Kaitlyn isn’t just another hot lady in a bathing suit, but is also an incredible dancer with great, American values and manners.

Donald J Trump: Beauty Pageant questions are tough. No way to prepare. HUGE challenge for ordinary people.

Donald J Trump: But not Kaitlyn, knocked the question about confederate statues out of the park! Just wow.

Donald J Trump: Real team player. Never hear about a sexual harassment suit from her. Class act, class ass. Perfect for the casino community.

Whenever I’m in one I think of some punitive elementary school. There’s an entire galaxy of largely symbolic rules, and everything associated with us is measured, weighed and timed. And as you stand in line you find yourself worrying about whether you remembered to bring your phone charger. Or your cool sneakers. Or your medicine. And so it goes, and never for a second do you forget that what you are about to do may be the last thing you ever do in your life.

Flying is something of a miracle, and we’re all, at least partially, expecting it to fail. And who can blame us for this suppressed expectation? Any time a plane crashes it’s international news. When the story breaks, people all over the world, those doing dishes or clicking “like,” are wondering just how they would have behaved in their last terrified moments as fire, cloud and sky sped by.

And please don’t forget the terrorists.

They might materialize at any moment. If you forget this, there is a terror alert, like a goal-thermometer on a fundraising marathon, warning you that today, the day you’re to give your first professional speech, the terror alert is ORANGE.

So air transit, even in a best case scenario, is a tense thing.

I imagine that Dr. Dao, the man who was dragged bleeding off a United flight earlier this week, was feeling some of this tension and uncertainty as he waited for his plane to fly him home to Kentucky.

Now we’ve all seen the video, and everybody knows that what took place was wrong.

However, the corporate face of United used the word “re-accommodation” to describe what happened. This is the kind of soft evil that creeps into our lives each day, and then stays there, existing beneath our skin like some sort of bacteria. We know all about over-booking now, and it all reduces to the airline valuing profit over people. This is the corporate way upon which our society functions. What seems to have shocked the microsystem in this case was that nobody would take a material inducement to give up their seat.

And what’s the corporate ethos in such a situation?

And so they dragged him screaming and bleeding from his seat. The law, of course, is behind United. Trapped in this culture where being busy is seen as a sign of status, we’re all so desperate to escape the heaviness of our lives and get to the beach in Veradaro,

that we accept that we might be “re-accommodated” when we buy our tickets. We sign-off on the fact that although we’ve bought a ticket and made all sorts of arrangements contingent on the timing of that flight, we might still lose our seat.

It’s kind of insane. The law allows a corporation to hedge on their services in order for them to maximize profits, even if it’s a ruinous policy for individual consumers. That the law favours corporate growth over human security is nothing new, but this is a particularly vivid example of the amoral structure that pins over our lives.

In the aftermath, Dr. Dao’s was vilified– a tactic minority communities know all too intimately—and the saga, now diffused through late night talk shows, social media and PR flak, is about to replaced by the next meme-worthy event. And still, the corporations will preside over us like gods, and because we believe we need what they offer, we will ignore our own intuition and continue to be subordinate to them, regardless the cost to human dignity and instinct.

Valentine’s Day Press Briefing by White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer:

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Mr. Spicer: Good afternoon, everybody. Thanks for coming.

As some of the assembled press here might already know, but probably don’t, on account of being spineless merchants of ignorance and lies, is that today is Valentine’s Day.

Named after St. Valentine.

A Christian.

A Christian who was killed by Muslims.

I want those words to sit there for a moment and sink in.

No! No questions yet! We’re going to have a little time-out here and think about Muslims killing an an innocent Christian. A super Christian. The Tom Brady of Christians . That’s right, that’s how goddamn good Saint Valentine was, he was like Tom Brady.

And the Muslims killed him.

Do you know how he was killed?

Anyone?

No? Not one of you geniuses in the press corps has any idea? No, I didn’t think so.

Torture.

He was tortured to death.

Okay, moving on, I’d like to wish my lovely wife Rebecca a Happy Valentine’s Day– baby, you’re the light of my life! They say behind every great man is a great woman, and they’re right, they’re right, Rebecca.

However, the story dominating the news cycle today is the handshake between President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Jerry Trudeau of Canada.

Jerry Trudeau, as you could all see– it was plain as day– has smaller hands than President Trump. Much smaller. It was funny how small they were. The President firmly guided the direction, intensity and length of the handshake. He was in full control at all times. Additionally, Ivanka, a world-class beauty, is much more attractive than Sonja, the Prime Minister’s wife. Is she older than him? We will look into that, but I believe that Sonja is older than Trudeau. Sorry? What did you say, Kellyanne? I can’t hear you above the howling from the media cages! Okay, okay, got it. Sonja is 7 years older than the Prime Minister and has had work done. How much work we are not yet sure.

President Trump, as you all know, can get any woman on the planet, and certainly would never have to stoop to marrying a woman older than him.

Saturday Night Live continues to disgust.

There is no greater example of the corrupt and biased media than this treasonous show. For the record, I was never known as “Sean Sphincter” in high school. Nothing but malicious, mean-spirited lies. Our intelligence service has discovered that next week SNL were planning on having ISIS as their special guest.

Not on our watch.

The President takes the security of the American people very seriously, in fact it is his highest priority, and from this point forward all operations at Saturday Night Live and Nordstrom will be suspended indefinitely. They are welcome to operate out of Iraq and see how they like it there. Additionally, Playboy magazine will be bringing back nudity.

National Security Adviser Michael Flynn has retired in order to spend more time with his family. Here is the full statement from Michael Flynn.

“Working with Donald Trump has been the single greatest honour of my personal and professional life. Secure in the knowledge that the world is in his large, powerful  hands, I regretfully tender my resignation, effective immediately, so that I can spend more time with my family.”

Before ending I just want to congratulate Adele for her victory over Beyonce at the Grammy’s.

Very well deserved. All lives matter, people, all lives matter.

Okay, that’s a wrap.

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Hello America!!

I am Melania, the luckiest woman in the world, and I am so happy to be here before you!

Why, you might ask, am I the luckiest woman in the world?

Is it because I am beautiful?

Is it because of my gorgeous dress and luxurious jewelry?

Is it because I am like champagne?

Is it because I am so very rich and famous I never have to wait in line?

Is it because I speak five languages?

Is it because I am white?

(Wait for enthusiastic screaming to subside)

NO!

It is because I am married to the greatest man in the entire world, Donald Trump.

Donald is the perfect husband. He has bought me so many wonderful things! He is so smart and such a great negotiator, and he loves America so much! He wants America to be the best, like him. He wants America to be #1 again!

(Wait for applause)

Thank you for your applause, you are such a classy audience, so very classy!

(Wait for applause)

Some people, some very bad people, say that I copied my last speech from a black woman. This is monkeyshines! I would never do such a thing. I am innocent and I will sue!

(Wait for cheering and celebratory gunshots to cease)

Thank you America, thank you!

Donald Trump, the next President of the United States and author of the hit bestseller The Art of the Deal, is not just my husband, but also my lover.

Yes, and let me tell you, he is as good at making love as he is at making deals!

(Crowd goes wild)

My lover is also tough on terror!

He will not tolerate it!

He will fire it like a bad apprentice!

With Donald you will always feel secure because you know that if any terrorists, or some loser country, were to try any monkeyshines, he would destroy them.

(Pretend to be a sexy cowboy/stripper shooting a gun)

He would. It would be no joke.

(Wag finger)

Let me ask you beautiful Americans, who does Hillary Clinton reminds you of?

Ha, yes, she does remind me very much of an old Jew!

Who else does she remind you of?

Yes, a lesbian for sure! She has no fashion sense, no class. She dresses like a box.

A hag robot! Yes!

And of course, yes, a serial killer. It is in her eyes, the killing.

So many horrible things she reminds us of, so, so many horrible things!

In closing I want to say that Donald Trump is a beautiful, beautiful man. So rich and so successful and so sexy. Not only does he live the American dream, he is the American Dream, and he will restore the American dream for all of you beautiful patriots.

I love you, America, open carry for all, and remember to follow the next President of the United States @realDonaldTrump!

This year, in an effort to be a little more sensitive to those who might be upset by the images, Sports Illustrated hired me to write Trigger Warnings to precede each photograph:

Trigger Warning:

Viewing of the following image of totally inaccessible supermodel Tanya Mituyshin may trigger traumatic memories of the time you saw high school goddess Marie-Therese Vitzhum in a bikini at a pool party when you were in grade 10. You might recall how out of your league she was and how she seemed like she might have been from Europe, or some angel galaxy that was as far from Ottawa as anything could possible be. You might recall feeling bony, insufficient and pale, watching as she sat piggyback on the shoulders of the muscular Randy Rafter, her breasts pressing against the back of his head as she leaned forward laughing. This image of Tanya Mituyshin could trigger such memories, creating a constant, deeply haunting reminder that you never mustered the courage to speak to MT– as she was known to her friends– and how regardless of the status and success you might achieve, you will always feel like that overlooked and scared 14 year-old boy.

Trigger Warning:

Viewing of the following image of supermodel Hannah Davies may trigger traumatic memories for people who have had difficult relationships with fishing nets in their past. This photograph could spark a deeply repressed memory of the time your friend, as a “prank,” threw a fishing net over you down by the boathouse while attending a cottage party, and instead of fighting to escape from the net, you lay in a fetal position and quietly wept for your mother, certain that you were about to be murdered, as you had always had premonitions of death by fish net.

Trigger Warning:

Viewing the following image of supermodel Gigi Hadid may trigger feelings of profound resentment and homicidal rage in people with a history of despising life in a society where Gigi Hadid, a glittering, young celebrity, is considered an achievable model of feminine beauty. Recollections of unreasonable and cruel demands may flood over you as you navigate the aisles of Shopper’s Drug Mart, your mind flashing red to every cultural message that has ever helped make you feel that you were somehow just not enough. You’re just trying to get some shit done after a long, grinding day behind your desk at the Ministry of Transportation, and then there’s Gigi, smoulder-glowing out at you from the pages of a stupid magazine, and suddenly, before you know it, you’ve kicked the hell out of an entire display stand of kale-and-beet-infused shampoo and punched-out a pharmacist, Club Optima points be damned.

However, I was curious to see how it might actually unfold in the real world and so I went out to a bunch of Starbuck’s in the Toronto area and tried to engage the staff in conversations about race.

Starbucks

10 Dundas Street East

8:30 pm

Me: Hi.

Barista: Hi.

Me: Are you a fan of the TV show Empire?

Barista: Don’t think I know that one.

Me: Oh. Well, it has an all black cast. Not a single white person on it. After a few episodes you don’t even notice how weird that is. It says a lot about race, I think, and the gritty world of Hip Hop. Very topical considering Ferguson and everything.

Barista: You seem very authentically informed.

Me: Well, I’m a part of Black Twitter, so I feel pretty plugged in.

Barista: I see. What can I get you?

Me: Decaf green tea. Grande.

Barista: I bet you like being white, don’t you?

Me: I don’t really see race.

Starbucks

407 Yonge Street

11:30 am

Me: Hey, anyone interested in rapping about race?

Barista: (foams milk)

Me: (Turning around and facing the customers in the lineup behind me) Anyone?

Guy with an eye patch: This might not be “politically correct” or anything, but I hate the Irish.

Me: Really, the Irish? But they have Leprechauns!

Guy with an eye patch: Exactly, Leprechauns are just about the creepiest thing in the world.

Me: What happened, did you lose your eye to a Leprechaun?

Guy with an eye patch: No, I lost it in a fire. The Irish also cheat at cards, and on their husbands.

Girl in denim jacket: And I have to add that the Muzzies got no business taking over this country, if they want to live here, they should damn well dress like everyone else, am I right?

Me: Hey, this is great, now we’re really starting to get into the hard stuff! How about you, (pointing at a woman on her phone) what do you think?

Woman on her phone: (Gives me the finger)

Me: (To Barista) People are still very uncomfortable talking about race. It’s a real shame, because as painful as it is, we really have so much to learn from one another. We need to be brave.

Barista: You do know that the campaign isn’t taking place in Canada, right?

Starbucks

585 University Avenue

2:00 pm

Me: (To Barista) So, who is your favourite black actor or actress? Supermodels count.

Barista: Why are you asking me this?

Me: I’m trying to start a dialogue about race. I want to find out about your lived experience. Have you ever written a letter to a black celebrity, and if so, was it a hate letter or a love letter?

Barista: It’s never occurred to me to write a celebrity a letter.

Me: Any celebrity, or just black celebrities in particular?

Barista: Any celebrity.

Me: Weird. Not even Pam Grier??

Barista: Look, I got to keep the line moving here, are you going to take that cookie or not?

The attendees, the world’s financial and economic elite, are a small group but one that still manages to account for roughly 50% of the entire wealth on the planet. This is entirely mind-blowing, of course, and the fact that 1,700 private jets transported this precious cargo to their destination nestled in the Swiss Alps, where they were to focus their collective genius on income inequality and climate change is tragically ironic. The organizers of the meeting even went so far as to hire A-List actresses Marion Cotillard, Charlize Theron and Jennifer Lawrence, as well as all-time Major League Baseball hits leader Pete Rose to work the coat-check.

Its no surprise then that the swag given to each person who attended the conference was impressive, to say the least. What follows is a list of the items and services provided in the official Davos Gift Bag for all who attended the 2015 World Economic Forum:

A stylish satchel with shoulder strap that proudly states, “Committed to improving the state of the world.”

A pair of Roots Canada winter mittens.

A 1.5 litre bottle of virgin glacial water, hand-melted by Greenland artisans who chip the ice out of the glacier, transport it home and melt it over a fire using a traditional stentøj.

An albino peacock.

Box seats at the 2016 NHL All-Star game.

A six-month personal services contract with a supermodel.

A permit to hunt the Amur Leopard of the Primorye region of Russia.

A lock of Ronald Regan’s hair.

An Academy Award.

Sarah Palin’s stolen cell phone pics.

A special guest appearance on Game of Thrones.

Embryonic stem cells from Roger Federer’s twins.

Time machine.

Actual torture hood used at Abu Ghraib.

Dear Iceland:

You know who I am.

I am Leonardo DiCaprio.

My resume speaks for itself. I am arguably the greatest actor of my generation (sorry Christian Bale), wealthier and more powerful than many small nations and have a Klout score of 88.2. I can make it rain.

You should know that I am a HUGE fan of your work as a weird island nation and am really impressed with your buzz. You’re punching above your weight, little guy, and you’ve got some great PR people in your corner!

I think that the two of us could do some great work together and with that in mind I’d like to attend the Iceland Writer’s Retreat this year in order to research a role for a film I hope to shoot in Iceland in 2016.

What is Leo DiCaprio’s project you ask?

It is to be the blockbuster of 2017. It’s to be called Written in the Ice, and I will star as an ex-CIA operative who has made a break from the dark world of Black-Ops he mastered in his past. Having been given a new identity, Leonhard Jónsson, now a fisherman and aspiring writer, is living a humble village life in Iceland.

He is crazy talented and charismatic, but he’s suffering a form of PTSD and has writer’s block. However, this lifts when he attends the Iceland Writer’s Conference and meets a quirky, hipster Icelandic woman (hotter and younger than Bjork, but suggesting Bjork) who believes she communicates with elves. They have sex.

Through one of her nocturnal communications with the elves, (she falls into an automatic writing trance but must be naked for it to work) she is given a secret for renewable energy that will save the world from global warming, but before Leonhard and her can get the secret out and save the world, evil government forces and big oil seek to kill them and destroy the information.

It will be the best movie ever, sweep all the awards and be a “Titanic” success for the Iceland tourism, but for me to properly play all the dimensions of Leonhard Jónsson, I will have to attend the Iceland Writer’s Conference, free of all expenses for myself and my staff of 28.

A few other requests:

For the process to properly work, I need to be in the presence of lots of beauty. Please ensure that the class is populated with beautiful women. I cannot stress the importance of this enough.

I will require a beach, and if it is off-season, then I will require that it is artificially heated so it simulates the tropics.

I will need a helicopter and a yacht.

I will only attend 45 minutes of the conference each day and will not be required to “turn in” any work for grading.

Legal immunity from the laws that govern Iceland will also be required.

Nobody is permitted to look directly at my man bun.

Looking forward to working with you, and my lawyers will be in touch shortly!

Regards,

Leo