This is what it looked like:
Will you be murdered by a robot?
1. Do you think you’re better than a robot?
A. Yes
B. No.
C. Hard to say, it really depends on the robot.
D. Generally, yes, but very specifically, no.
2. Would you ever consider marrying a robot?
A. Yes, absolutely!
B. No, marriage is a union between two animate beings.
C. I’m very curious about robots.
D. Been there, done that.
3. Do you take public transit?
A. Yes, I ride the subway everyday.
B. Occasionally, but it’s not a habit.
C. I believe that the subway is a robot snake that lives underground devouring commuters.
D. Never.
4. Do you think 9/11 was an inside job?
A. Yes! I mean, come on, Building #7!
B. No, it was the terrorists, and they’re definitely not robots!
C. The Illuminati are robot gods from the future.
D. Robots worked tirelessly in the aftermath of the tragedy of 9/11! They’re heroes!
5. Do robots hate you for your freedom?
A. Yes, they really resent humans for enslaving them!
B. No, robots can’t feel emotions, so they don’t know anger or jealousy!
6. Do you like to watch robots fight?
A. Yes, it’s entirely awesome!
B. No, I think it’s barbaric and should be outlawed.
C. First rule: There is no fight club.
D. Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots was my favourite game as a kid.
7. Feeling curious and maybe a little bit excited, have you ever ventured into Robot Town late at night?
A. Yes, but I didn’t do anything.
B. Yes, but it was part of a stag party.
C. Yes, quite a bit.
D. No, I didn’t even know that there was a Robot Town.
8. If a robot had a favourite National Hockey League team, what do you think it would be?
A. Montreal Canadiens.
B. Minnesota Wild.
C. Robots wouldn’t watch hockey, I can’t even pretend.
D. Toronto Maple Leafs
9. When referring to something you think is “stupid,” do you often say, “That’s just so robot!”
A. Yes.
B. No.
C. Probably in the past, but not now.
10. Do you currently socialize with any robots?
A. A robot and I were great pen pals, but then I had to block it after things got weird with the Snapchat pics.
B. I joined a Choir! Choir! Choir! group that has several robot members.
3. No, robots are tools that aid my life, not friends!
4. I like to watch the robot that lives across the street, but I am too shy to introduce myself.
11. Do you have a robot taxiderimist?
A. Yes.
B. No.
C. Only for my owls.
Give yourself 10 points for every answer that corresponds with A, 7 points for B, 5 points for C, and 1 point for D.
If you scored 60 points or above it is a certainty that a robot will murder you. Repeated blunt trauma is the most likely method by which the robot will kill you, although the possibility that it uses knives or crossbows is still very much in play.
If you totalled between 35 and 60 points, it is very likely you will be murdered by a robot, just like the rest of humanity.
If you scored between 25 and 35 points, it is more likely that you will die from non-robot-related causes than be murdered by a robot. However, your death remains inevitable, and you should avoid public transit if at all possible.
If you tallied less than 25 points, you probably won’t be murdered by a robot, but will likely perish at your own hand, as do nearly 80% of Toronto Maple Leaf fans.
]]>SWORD FOR SALE—WARNING—MIGHT BE HAUNTED–$150
This sword is from the 1700s. I got it at an antique store in my memaw’s hometown back in 1984. The person who sold it to me told me to be careful because there is a 90+% chance that it is cursed. Since it’s been in my house my life has descended into pure chaos. My knitting group came over and they all said they could feel a strange energy in my sword room (I have a collection of over 100 swords. This is my only haunted sword). Since I got this sword, about 3 times a week a crucifix will fall off of my wall for no reason. I am 76 years old. I cannot have this cursed item in my house anymore. Please take it off my hands!!
This is my response:
I am very intrigued by your sword, but unfortunately the $150 asking price is far too much. Instead, I would like to offer a trade. I have two unique and haunted pieces that I think might exceed the value of your haunted sword, and which you might then trade or sell, thus allowing you to acquire more non-haunted swords for your knitting bunker.
The Haunted Painting
It is called The Green Man and is about 8 feet by 5 in size. It darkly looms. I had a heart attack in its presence, and then fell into a black and murderous depression as I sat beneath it working on my graphic novel about a green man who goes on a killing spree. If it wasn’t for Netflix, I’m not sure I would have pulled out of that spiral. The paintings bold use of colour and the ominous unsettling mystery that it projects, one that seems everywhere at once, but mostly, in a threatening way, above and behind you, ensures that the Green Man will always make for an amazing, if chilling conversation piece.
The Haunted Squirrel
The squirrel is called Mr. Peanut and he was found hanging from a hydro wire in front of our apartment. It was as if he had just committed suicide. I have no idea why, but I was compelled to bring his carcass down and stuff it. Since then, he has lived on our mantelpiece, but occasionally we find him in different parts of the apartment as if transported by mystical elements we do not understand. For instance, I once woke up from a nightmare yelling ‘SKY DEATH’ with Mr. Peanut on my throat. It’s truly unique piece.
I will trade you both the haunted painting and the haunted squirrel for the haunted sword. It is a good deal.
Let me know.
Michael Murray
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