If you don’t know who he is, he was one of the stars of the hit 90’s sitcom Friends.
Don’t be impressed by that. There were too many “stars” to count on that stupid show. Even a monkey was a star on that show. A monkey. Not Curious George. Not the Ikea Monkey. Just a regular, annoying monkey, so Matthew’s “star status” is really no big deal at all.
Just like in high school.
Matthew may have had famous parents and a cheap California tan, but I was the real star at Lisgar Collegiate Institute in Ottawa. Not only was I president of the UFO club, but I was also a great athlete, and I used to crush Perry mercilessly at tennis.
All.
Day.
Long.
It used to infuriate him! He would throw his expensive tennis racquets all over the place, complain that I was “foot faulting” or not wearing proper whites. Bullshit stuff like that. Anyway, the bottom line is that I destroyed him and made the tennis team while he did not. This final humiliation seemed to break Matthew, and after that he was my subordinate, little yes-man.
Matthew has been pretty unemployable since Friends, and thirsty for a little bit of publicity, he recently went on Jimmy Kimmel and announced that he and another kid, “Chris Murray,” once beat up Canadian Prime Minister and sex symbol Justin Trudeau back in school.
http://www.womansday.co.nz/celebrity/matthew-perry-admits-he-once-beat-up-justin-trudeau-7383
This is not true.
As Matthew still respects and fears me, he wouldn’t dare use my real name in public, but I was the “Chris Murray” mentioned.
To make a long story short, I was giving a presentation– in the hopes of recruiting future members to my high school UFO club–to Justin’s fifth grade class. After my talk I opened the floor up for questions:
Justin: Je ne peux m’empêcher de remarquer que les filles semblent être sous-représentées dans le club UFO. Pourriez-vous nous expliquer pourquoi?
Me: What?
Justin: Oh, I see you don’t speak French. What a shame. What I was asking was why aren’t there any girls in the UFO club. Are they not allowed?
Me: Girls??
Justin: Yes, girls. They comprise over half the population. ( Class, including teacher, roar with laughter)
Me: No girl has ever tried to join the UFO club. Would any want to?? Do you think you could get us one!?
Justin: That’s not my job. Your job is to create a safe and inclusive environment so they’ll want to join. Girls, would you like to join this creepy, unilingual, UFO club for boys, or would you rather form your own right here?! ( Class, including teacher, roar with approval)
Some other things happened, but in short, I delegated Matthew to beat up Justin after school, however Matthew failed, as I should have known he would fail, and I had to step in to do the job properly. At this time in my life I got nose bleeds very easily, and my bleed had nothing to do with Justin, who mistakenly thought the fight was over and was walking away like a coward. I tackled him and was just about to apply the finishing gotchy when some little girl kicked me in the back of the neck.
I had to wear a brace for six weeks after that.
And sadly, Matthew and I then drifted apart and the UFO Club just sort of faded away.
It’s been a crazy, inspiring and wildly educational time, and as parents, we’ve discovered things about one another that we never imagined might be true. For instance, I’ve learned that I am AMAZING with babies, and as this parenting stuff is such a breeze for me, I’ve decided to open a daycare.
The Spartan Way: Mike’s Daycare
Welcome to The Spartan Way: Mike’s Daycare! This cutting-edge centre is based on ancient principles and is dedicated to sculpting children aged two weeks to six years to become dominant Alpha leaders in the unpredictable dystopia of tomorrow. We believe that modern daycares are over-certified, and our philosophy is that both infants and the free market will always work things out on their own.
“Sinite illos esse , suus ‘iustus a sanguine vulnus.”
The SWMD is committed to providing a level-playing field for all our little warriors, with special favours or attention being granted to none! Our teachers (Rob L. and Donnie C.) are skilled mixed martial artists, have an unyielding love of strong, predatory children and educations that just cannot be taught in a class.
Need more?
Here’s what hockey superstar and political commentator Wayne Gretzky has to say:
“Hi, I’m Wayne Gretzky! During my hockey career I was known as the “Great One.” Let me tell you, when it comes to daycare facilities, The Spartan Way: Mike’s Daycare is the true Great One! It’s always a shot on goal!”
Wayne Gretzky is just one of our many celebrity supporters!
You should know that we develop our lesson plans based on ancient Spartan childrearing techniques, mixed with some modern, libertarian practices. We provide each one of our little Spartans with experiences that will discipline their young minds and bodies, turning their hearts to cold, unflinching steel. Games and competitions are a big part of our curriculum.
In short, we at The Spartan Way: Mike’s Daycare, make strength and discipline fun!
Still, not satisfied?
“Hi, I’m Colin Powell, American statesman and retired four-star general in the US Army. Mike’s Daycare doesn’t simply provide a safe and encouraging environment for your children, no, it teaches that the world is a dangerous and hostile place, and that the child must learn to kill or be killed. This is an invaluable life plan as we head into a future where anarchy and civil war will be unleashed upon a dying planet.”
We have tremendously competitive rates, and provide one meal* a day for each child who finishes amongst the top three in the daily assignments.
Give us a call, find out if your child is right for The Spartan Way: Mike’s Daycare!
*No dietary changes, regardless of allergies, religion, etc, are made to our meal plan as we believe in absolute, unflinching equality.
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These are some of the student’s writings:
A.P. 16 years old
Dear Mister Murray:
You must really like Zellers to have started up that website. Man, I don’t know if there’s anything I like as much as you like Zellers. I think you should just get over Zellers. It’s gone. Get a life, dude. Shop online or something.
This is my paragraph:
My name is Michael Murray and I’m really old and I love Zellers. All I have in my life is Zellers. I eat there every day and I pretend that I’m looking to buy clothes just so I can be around people. Sometimes I go into the change room to imagine all the girls who have been in their underwear there.
J.C. 17 years old
Dear Mister Murray:
We’re getting extra credit for this so please let Mrs. M know that I did this, okay?
This is my paragraph:
My mom made me go to Zellers to pick up a tarp. She wanted the tarp to wrap my father’s body in. She killed him with several forks. He was a bad man, my dad. He used to beat her and me and my little sister Peggy, but one day my mother could take it no longer and she killed him with the forks until he was dead, and that’s how I ended up in Zellers!
A.A. 16 years old
Dear Mister Murray:
Please tell teacher that I completed the project. 
This is my paragraph:
I think Zellers sounds like a candy that grandparents would give out at Halloween. It sounds like something that would taste old and stale, the sort of candy you’d give to your kid sister because you didn’t want it.
F.S. 18 years old
Dear Mister Murray:
Here is my completed assignment, please tell my teacher that I promptly completed the assignment.
This is my paragraph:
I’m not a Muslim, but sometimes I like to wear a Burqa just to see how the world reacts to me. People judge you and think you’re a terrorist even though you’re not. Whenever I went into Zellers people were suspicious of me because of my Burqa. They thought I was dishonest because they couldn’t see my face, but I could see theirs and I could tell what they were thinking. One day a security guard at Zellers accused me of shoplifting and frisked me to make sure I hadn’t taken anything. I didn’t believe him and acted outraged, but the truth was that I was turned on when he put his hands on me, when he touched me. I went back to Zellers every week after that hoping he would do it again, and he did, each time. I will miss Zellers like hell when it goes.
