If you don’t know who he is, he was one of the stars of the hit 90’s sitcom Friends.

Don’t be impressed by that. There were too many “stars” to count on that stupid show. Even a monkey was a star on that show. A monkey. Not Curious George. Not the Ikea Monkey. Just a regular, annoying monkey, so Matthew’s “star status” is really no big deal at all.

Just like in high school.

Matthew may have had famous parents and a cheap California tan, but I was the real star at Lisgar Collegiate Institute in Ottawa. Not only was I president of the UFO club, but I was also a great athlete, and I used to crush Perry mercilessly at tennis.

All.

Day.

Long.

It used to infuriate him! He would throw his expensive tennis racquets all over the place, complain that I was “foot faulting” or not wearing proper whites. Bullshit stuff like that. Anyway, the bottom line is that I destroyed him and made the tennis team while he did not. This final humiliation seemed to break Matthew, and after that he was my subordinate, little yes-man.

Matthew has been pretty unemployable since Friends, and thirsty for a little bit of publicity, he recently went on Jimmy Kimmel and announced that he and another kid, “Chris Murray,” once beat up Canadian Prime Minister and sex symbol Justin Trudeau back in school.

http://www.womansday.co.nz/celebrity/matthew-perry-admits-he-once-beat-up-justin-trudeau-7383

This is not true.

As Matthew still respects and fears me, he wouldn’t dare use my real name in public, but I was the “Chris Murray” mentioned.

To make a long story short, I was giving a presentation– in the hopes of recruiting future members to my high school UFO club–to Justin’s fifth grade class. After my talk I opened the floor up for questions:

Justin: Je ne peux m’empêcher de remarquer que les filles semblent être sous-représentées dans le club UFO. Pourriez-vous nous expliquer pourquoi?

Me: What?

Justin: Oh, I see you don’t speak French. What a shame. What I was asking was why aren’t there any girls in the UFO club. Are they not allowed?

Me: Girls??

Justin: Yes, girls. They comprise over half the population. ( Class, including teacher, roar with laughter)

Me: No girl has ever tried to join the UFO club. Would any want to?? Do you think you could get us one!?

Justin: That’s not my job. Your job is to create a safe and inclusive environment so they’ll want to join. Girls, would you like to join this creepy, unilingual, UFO club for boys, or would you rather form your own right here?! ( Class, including teacher, roar with approval)

Some other things happened, but in short, I delegated Matthew to beat up Justin after school, however Matthew failed, as I should have known he would fail, and I had to step in to do the job properly. At this time in my life I got nose bleeds very easily, and my bleed had nothing to do with Justin, who mistakenly thought the fight was over and was walking away like a coward. I tackled him and was just about to apply the finishing gotchy when some little girl kicked me in the back of the neck.

I had to wear a brace for six weeks after that.

And sadly, Matthew and I then drifted apart and the UFO Club just sort of faded away.

***************************************************************

Me: Oh.

Me: I didn’t know you were getting a massage.

Me: I thought you were at the Dufferin Mall trying to improve our phone plans.

Me: Sure was off with that one!

Me: Well, I hope the massage is doing the trick, anyway!

Me: Awesome. You really do deserve to have a “tender yet forceful experience that lifts you out of your body and punishes you in all the right places.”

Me: What’s the masseuses name again? Yana? Didn’t she used to be a hot Russian long jumper before some sort of sex scandal? 

Me: Pierre?

Me: He’s your masseuse?

Me: I thought he was your power skating coach.

Me: Both, eh? That’s a little weird.

Me: I see.

Me: He’s a renaissance man.

Me: I do too know what that means.

Me: It means he’s a douche.

Me: You know he lied about being in the NHL, eh?

Me: That’s something sacred, you don’t lie about stuff like that!

Me: Oh, he was in the German league then.

Me: Not. The. Same. Thing. 

Me: Like playing in Peewee.

Me: I would dominate that stupid league.

Me: Whatever.

Me: Whatever.

Me: You did what?

Me: Look, my Fantasy Baseball Stats file is private.

Me: I have no idea why you found a bunch of racy photographs of Kristen Stewart in there.

Me: Not a clue.

Me: Maybe Jones put them there.

Me: Really? That’s the stupidest thing you ever heard?

Me: Look, I’m not stupid just because I failed math a bunch of times.

Me: Or French.

Me: Or any other subject!

Me: I’m Alt-Smart.

Me: No, it’s different than being “special.”

Me: You’re being a bully.

Me: You are not a safe space!

Me: Look, look, why are we fighting? It’s Christmas!

Me: Sure.

Me: Of course I’ve been doing my Christmas shopping!

Me: I’m no rookie.

Me: Practically done.

Me: You and Pierre wanted tickets to that Pentatonix concert, right?

Me: Or was it the travelling version of The Price is Right?

Me: Maybe I’ll get you two both!

Me: Yes.

Me: Wow, that would be great!

Me: I had no idea they made Kristen Stewart sex dolls!

Me: What do you mean, “That’s not what my Internet history says?”

Me: Well, I don’t know.

Me: Must have been some mistake.

Me: Maybe the baby sitter was looking up Kristen Stewart sex dolls? How would I know!?

Me: Also, maybe my account was hacked by a Russian?

Me: Well, I’m a pretty important writer.

Me: The Russians know that if they attribute something to me it will have great influence on the public.

Me: They’re smart, the Russians.

Me: You ever see them play hockey? So very clever!

Me: I did not think that Aleppo was a type of dog food two months ago!

Me: I’m pretty keyed in to world events. Always have been.

Me: I have always stood with Syria.

Me: Sure I did.

Me: I gave away that old bathroom scale to a Syrian refugee family.

Me: Well, yes.

Me: The organizer never did come to pick it up, but that’s on her!

Me: She’s the one who doesn’t care about Syrians, not me!

Me: I care about their weight, about how they adapt to the North American diet!

Me: Don’t want them to get diabetes!

Me: Sorry?

Me: Why did I text and interrupt your massage?

Me: I don’t remember.

Me: Oh, now I remember!

Me: If the last three women on the planet were you, Kristen Stewart and Jennifer Lawrence, I would choose you.

Me: Yes, I am very sweet.

Me: I love you, too, see you soon! xoxo

Not being the type of man to evade controversy regarding his penis, Trump immediately took to Twitter to clarify the matter.

@realDonaldTrump: Unlike Obama, the ABSOLUTE worst President in history, I don’t dodge the tough questions.

@realDonaldTrump: When his handlers told him to deny the American people an answer to the birth certificate question, he caved and did what he was told.

@realDonaldTrump: He avoided the question. Not what a leader does.

@realDonaldTrump: Nobody owns Donald Trump, and nobody owns the American People! #TrumpInternationalGolfLinks&Hotel

@realDonaldTrump: Donald Trump is an energetic leader, and if the people want to know the size of my penis, then I will show them!

@realDonaldTrump: Believe me, I have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. I GUARANTEE you that I am WAY bigger than average! #DonaldJTumpSignatureCollection

@realDonaldTrump: Here he is, the Chairman of the Board, the Trump Tower:

@realDonaldTrump: My doctor, who is the BEST doctor in all of New York, says that I am in PERFECT health, my hands are LARGER than normal, and my penis is in the 98% percentile in terms of length AND width.

@realDonaldTrump: And let me tell you, it functions, boy, does it EVER function!

@realDonaldTrump: No complaints in the bedroom.

@realDonaldTrump: Just ask tennis superstar Maria Sharapova.

@realDonaldTrump: She was pretty inexperienced, but I taught her a thing or two. #ArtOfTheDeal

@realDonaldTrump: And her legs! Beautiful woman, truly beautiful.

@realDonaldTrump: Sad to hear about her drug scandal, but she’ll bounce back. Tough girl. Winner. One of my crowning achievements.

@realDonaldTrump: Charo.

@realDonaldTrump: Charo met the Trump Tower MANY times.

@realDonaldTrump: One of THE greatest guitarists of the 70’s.

@realDonaldTrump: What a body!!

@realDonaldTrump: Susan Anton.

@realDonaldTrump: We did it on the 16^th green of one of my many luxury golf courses.

@realDonaldTrump: She was more than satisfied. 

@realDonaldTrump: Loved the Trump brand.

@realDonaldTrump: The grass was cut so fine it felt like velvet. Can’t remember the course, but it doesn’t matter, they’re ALL cut like that. #TrumpQuality

@realDonaldTrump: Susan Anton, she was very athletic back in the 80s. Miss California.  #MostMexicansAreRapists

@realDonaldTrump: Appeared in Battle of the Network Stars. Looked great in a bathing suit. I have to say, I had my opportunities with a lot of those ladies.

@realDonaldTrump: I even have a few regrets, a few opportunities missed, but I won’t talk about those now, a gentleman has to keep some secrets, right?!

@realDonaldTrump: Connie Sellecca. She met the Chairman of the Board.

@realDonaldTrump: Multiple times.

@realDonaldTrump: Marco Rubio couldn’t even get a loser like Rosie O’Donnell. #LittleMarco

@realDonaldTrump: Also, Sharon Stone, star of Basic Instinct, and a HUGE Trump supporter, stuck her hand down my pants in the bathroom of the Rainbow Room.

@realDonaldTrump: Very sexy. #CouldHaveDoneHerInTheBathroomButDidn’tAsWasMarried

@realDonaldTrump: I haven’t even scratched the surface here. So many more.

@realDonaldTrump: Let’s make America great again! #VoteTrump

I’ve only met him once, and that was over twenty years ago when he was just six, but I always felt like I made a pretty strong impression on him. As such, I’ve tried to stay in contact with him over the years, hoping to provide the leadership, guidance and confidence, that a young, ambitious and talented member of my family might benefit from.

I have to say, he has proven a very disappointing correspondent.

No matter, the fact that he’s never bothered to respond to any of my email hasn’t stopped me from writing, and when I heard that there were very serious allegations of match fixing at the highest levels of professional tennis, I wrote my young protege these supportive emails.

Andy:

Hey!

It’s your cool cousin, Michael here!

You know, the one who taught you how to serve and properly identify a crop circle back in the summer of ’94! I got a bad bloody nose for some reason that day. No idea why. So weird. Might have had something do with magnetic resonance from the crop circles.

Anyway, I know that you’re involved in the match fixing that’s now being investigated by the authorities.

You’re a Murray.

We come from a long line of sheep thieves and have a known a history of committing cowardly acts in the face of pressure. It’s in the blood. Hell, in grade seven I threw a spelling bee because another kid promised me a sexy photograph of Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci.

I pretended I didn’t know how to spell “Psychotic” during the competition. Acted like I thought it started with an “S!”

As if.

I was born knowing how to spell psychotic.

I just want you to know that I think fixing matches is cool. It’s easy money. And don’t worry, your secret is safe with me!

Confidentially,

Michael Murray

PS: I know your character even if the public doesn’t.
Andy:

I owe my bookie Goran in excess of $7,000, due in large part to betting (unsuccessfully!!) on you.

You gotta back family, man!

Michael Murray

Andy:

As you might have heard, I now have a baby boy. Jones.

He’s the apple of our eye. Sure is expensive, though. Hungry, little money machine. Clothes horse, too. And as I am now the respected head of a family I really need to boost my earning potential. Not sure what to do. I have a real gift for predicting the outcome of sporting events. Do you have any suggestions of what I might do?

Michael Murray

Andy:

Was looking at some pictures of your wife the other day.

A real beauty. Guess money buys a lot of nice things. Has anybody started a fake Twitter account for her where she says you’re a domestic abuser and have all sorts of terrible and embarrassing sexual kinks? For an angry and desperate person with lots of time on his hands, that sort of account would sure be easy to create.

It would be a real shame if anything happened to her pretty face or hot body.

Michael Murray

Andy:

I am going to take your silence as agreement with everything I have written. If this is the case and you are onboard with fixing a match on behalf of your family and saving yourself from Twitter humiliation, please wear white during your next tennis match.

Michael Murray

Andy:

Excellent.

In the second round of the Australian Open, just pretend, as you typically do, to have lost your temper and concentration,

or perhaps twisted an ankle, and then limp off the court in furious defeat. You know the drill. With this one meaningless loss, which will give you a glorious two week vacation in beautiful Australia with your stunning and as yet undamaged wife, I will have been able to clear my debt with Goran, make a nice profit so I can take that nude life drawing class

I have always dreamed about, and you will have given Jones, the latest Murray, a great start in life.

As our family crest says: “Furth fortune and fill the fetters!”

Michael Murray

PS: We make a great team!

Falling every November, 19^th, this  day gives me an opportunity to celebrate my masculinity, honour the patriarchy and let my robust heterosexuality roar. It’s a day that I mindfully live to it’s full, manly potential.

This is the journal of my celebration:

November, 19, 2015

6:20 am

Fed the baby and told him stories of manliness.

9:00 am

Had healthy breakfast of granola and a smoothie, as I have a variety of health issues. Told a story about eating bacon to my wife Rachelle while she and the baby played with a “found” rattle (childproof pill container of my anti-anxiety medication) on the yoga matt.

9:30 am

Began to think of myself as somebody named John Steele instead of Michael Murray.

9:45 am

Took Heidi, our Miniature Dachshund, for a walk around the block. Felt good to be out in nature, hunting with my animal. Met two other Miniature Dachshunds, both wearing argyle sweaters. Their owner told me their names were Simon and Garfunkle and to watch out for Garfunkle as he was “crabby.”

10:00 am

Played online poker under the name of John Steele and watched a variety of hockey fights and leaked celebrity sex tapes.

11:30 am

Read “The Littlest Acorn of them All” to my son and then put him down for a nap.

11:45 am

Made my wife a smoothie as she was headed out to a series of womanly afternoon appointments.

12:00 pm

Sampugita, our friend’s nanny, came over to look after the baby. I asked her many questions about her personal life and what dating was like for a young woman in a foreign country. Told her about a few of the sports I used to play. Tennis, in particular.

12:30 pm

Told Sampugita to make me lunch.

12:45 pm

Got text from my wife Rachelle, telling me that making lunch for me was not one of Sampugita’s responsibilities, and that there was left-over quinoa in the fridge.

I AM SURROUNDED BY FEMINAZIS!!!

1:00 pm

Went outside and threw rocks at the stop signs. A few of the kids from the Frat House down the street joined in and for a brief, shining moment, we were a beautiful Northern European tribal pack fighting the enemy. Hail Odin!

1:15 pm

Went home and played with my electric train set while listening to Gordon Lightfoot and slow drinking Jack and Coke.

3:30 pm

Posted my feelings, under the name of John Steele, on a men’s group message board.

4:30 pm

Watched Mike Tyson knock-out videos from the 1980’s, noticing that the boxers all had perfect, gleaming bodies, sweat-slick, they were tangles of beautiful male ferocity under the hot lights.

5:00 pm

Stumbled upon a video called “Johnny Rapid Goes Bareback.” Watched it while finishing my bottle of Jack. More posting on men’s message board under the name of John Steele. And then a little more.

6:00 pm

John Steele then went for a very long, confusing walk alone.

The attendees, the world’s financial and economic elite, are a small group but one that still manages to account for roughly 50% of the entire wealth on the planet. This is entirely mind-blowing, of course, and the fact that 1,700 private jets transported this precious cargo to their destination nestled in the Swiss Alps, where they were to focus their collective genius on income inequality and climate change is tragically ironic. The organizers of the meeting even went so far as to hire A-List actresses Marion Cotillard, Charlize Theron and Jennifer Lawrence, as well as all-time Major League Baseball hits leader Pete Rose to work the coat-check.

Its no surprise then that the swag given to each person who attended the conference was impressive, to say the least. What follows is a list of the items and services provided in the official Davos Gift Bag for all who attended the 2015 World Economic Forum:

A stylish satchel with shoulder strap that proudly states, “Committed to improving the state of the world.”

A pair of Roots Canada winter mittens.

A 1.5 litre bottle of virgin glacial water, hand-melted by Greenland artisans who chip the ice out of the glacier, transport it home and melt it over a fire using a traditional stentøj.

An albino peacock.

Box seats at the 2016 NHL All-Star game.

A six-month personal services contract with a supermodel.

A permit to hunt the Amur Leopard of the Primorye region of Russia.

A lock of Ronald Regan’s hair.

An Academy Award.

Sarah Palin’s stolen cell phone pics.

A special guest appearance on Game of Thrones.

Embryonic stem cells from Roger Federer’s twins.

Time machine.

Actual torture hood used at Abu Ghraib.

Like Andy Kaufman before him, Ford has the ability to create and live in the Venn Diagram overlap between the fiction circle and reality circle. Ford seems happy there, with the rest of us staring on in bewilderment, uncertain if what we’re witnessing is self-aware performance art or the Frankenstein id of some moron bully unleashed upon the world. Currently, Ford’s in the midst of what might be his masterpiece, his descent (with brother Doug and brother Randy) into Hollywood where he was rumoured to be attending the Oscar’s and is to appear on the Jimmy Kimmel show on Monday night.

Last night, while the Academy Awards were taking place, Ford was at the Kimmel party blogging fashion commentary on what the stars were wearing:

Pharrel

Look how small Pharrel is! I tell you, he never would have made the high school football team and if he dared to show up at school in that sissy outfit, we would have beat the crap out of him. I love that Robin Thicke video he’s in, though. Crazy hot.

Jennifer Lawrence

She’s a pretty girl, this one, but I have to say I’d have preferred if she passed on the Dior gown and wore that naked blue get-up she had on in the X-Men. You know what I loved about the name of that character, Mystique? Name of a stripper, and as she was always nude, it was perfect! Mystique was way hotter than any of the chicks from Avatar! Anyway, even with clothes on JLaw definitely deserves an Oscar for best boner!

Jared Leto

Okay, this guy played a sort-of-girl in a movie, so that’s why he has the long, Jesus hair, but that red bow tie? Trying WAY too hard. Why not a simple NFL tie, say a good working class team like the Cleveland Browns? That way he could make a statement, “Yeah, I might have long hair and play a rainbow in a movie, but I still like football!” and could still be an action hero or a guy who steals cars in his next movie. It’s weird what actors will do. You couldn’t pay me enough money to play a woman, even though I have tremendous respect for them and really value them as people and hope that they come out to vote and support Ford Nation on October 27^th!

Glenn Close

Has the appearance of a retired tennis player, somebody who would make you take off your ball cap when you went in her house. A real buzz kill. Looks like she’s going to a funeral, but she might be holding a flask in her left hand so maybe she’s still cool.

Lupita Nyong’o

She’s a string bean, but look at those arms! Really toned. I bet she’d make a great wide receiver or defensive back. She probably runs just as fast as hell. I’m glad that slave movie did well. Many of my voters come from slave people.  Looks like she’s wearing Prada to me.

These are some of the emails of encouragement that I sent–via his 2^nd cousin– to Andy over the years:

Andy:

Hey, superstar! It’s your cool cousin Michael Murray, here! Remember me? We met about 20 years ago and I took you on your first Crop Circle hunt.

It was pretty awesome. We got kind of lost, though, and your father had to come and get us in his jeep. Boy, he really has the Murray temper, eh? Anyway, it was too bad about your parents splitting up when you were at such a vulnerable age, but I have to say, we all saw it coming.

By the way, I’m really good at tennis, too. It must run in the family! LOL!!

Michael Murray

Andy:

I really think that if you want to get better at tennis you’re going to have to improve your first serve percentage.

Michael Murray

PS: I am sure you are very busy so I understand why you haven’t responded. I just want you to know that I’m not at all mad. I don’t have the Murray temper.

PPS: I can think of at least six tennis players who are better than you. You look like a gangly, diminished version of Colin Firth, so you’d really better up your game.

Andy:

Jesus!

I just saw a picture of your girlfriend and I have to say, she is crazy hot! You are really punching above your weight! I mean, shit!

By the way, you should write back. You’re not the king of the world, nor are you better than me just because you’re really rich, good at tennis (try playing me in Scrabble) and have a hot girlfriend.

Michael Murray

PS: I beat Friends star Matthew Perry in tennis. Have you?

Andy:

Wow.

Just wow.

I can’t believe you won Wimbledon. I guess Djokovic was really tired after his semi-final match, because normally he’d beat you pretty easily.  By the way, when you “limped” into the crowd after you didn’t lose the championship and started hugging all of your handlers and yes-men, I noticed you avoided your mother. (She really does look like an aging Glenn Close) Was that intentional? Are you still stinging from the divorce?

Remember, it was me who told you that you needed to increase your first serve percentage. Don’t forget that. Don’t forget whose shoulders you’re sitting on as you receive all your glory.

Michael Murray

PS: I always return correspondence, especially if received from my family. We, the Murray’s, are very disappointed in you.

Brooklyn and Lillian have been thinking about inviting a guy for a threesome!

They live near you and have shown clear interest in meeting and sleeping with you!

To read your messages and see how they look like, visit now
http://t.co/r8Rl48BeWg

And you WILL get laid, it’s a guaranteed fact!

********************************************

My response:

Dear Victoria:

Brooklyn, eh? That’s a funny name. I think it got some purchase in the 90’s, although I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe because Brooklyn was becoming a really cool and edgy place then, and that by giving a child that name parents thought they might instill them with the edgy confidence to go out and live a little, perhaps try a threesome with somebody named Lillian, the plain girl who always liked books more than people but now, with the encouragement of Brooklyn, is ready to break out of her shell.

I imagine that three out of five waitresses who work at Coyote Ugly share the name Brooklyn. I would very much like to see a pie chart of waitress names from that place. (Perhaps there’s a web site with such? If you know of one, please send it to me!)

Bu the truth is that I don’t know whether Brooklyn is the name of a guy or a girl. Posh Spice and David Beckham named their son Brooklyn, and there is a supermodel that goes out with a tennis player named Brooklyn, and so it seems to me to be one of those edgy, unpredictable names, like Charlie or Zion, that defy gender categories. You might think me old fashioned, but in the context of a threesome, the gender of the third person makes a difference to me.

The link you provided did not work, but took me to a page where I could buy discounted briefcases. I bought two, so thank you for that. At any rate, please send me a working link, or some other form of gender evidence, so that I might determine the sex of Brooklyn for myself, at which point we might proceed as is appropriate. I will look forward to hearing from you!

Michael Murray

PS: I like guaranteed facts.

PPS: I am married and love my wife very much, but feel that I make my best decisions when I have the greatest amount of information at my disposal.

PPPS: Posh Spice’s first name is Victoria. Coincidence?

PPPPS: I think she’s a natural beauty.

Dustin Brown:

I don’t really have, uh, words to explain how I’m feeling right now. Again, uh, you know, to be the first King to touch that cup is something I’ll remember for the rest of my life.”

Anze Kopitar:

It feels great to bring 20, 000 people to their feet just by lifting a silver jug over your head. It’s a very humbling feeling and pretty exciting, like getting drunk with your father for the first time. Good, dizzy feeling!

Jonathan Quick:

Unbelievable. I don’t think it’s kicked in yet. It’s just awesome. I don’t even think I can tell you in words. I don’t know, I guess it’s kind of like that feeling you get when you’re running away from the cops, you know, and at a certain point, after you’re really exhausted and you think you’re done and headed to jail, you realize you’ve lost ‘em and you’re free. Yeah, that’s it.

Drew Doughty:

It’s so weird, man, but it feels completely like being high. Oh man, like, I probably shouldn’t have said that but I’m from the west coast. Represent! But all these people screaming, it’s just a trip, a crazy, perfect trip!

Slava Voynov:

I remember as a young boy I was dared by some older boys to shoplift something from the corner store. I was very scared to do so, but I was also very scared to not do so, and so I knotted myself into courage and took some gum and slipped it in my pocket and walked out of the store. It was incredible feeling, like breaking pane of glass with rock! All the other boys now looked at me with respect and I felt like I had become a man, an Alpha, and that is what it feels like to win the cup! (And then he roared.)

Willie Mitchell:

How does it feel? It feels like being a king, like signing my first multi-year contract!!!

Rob Scuderi:

I don’t know what to say, I just feel so bad for the Devils, because I know that they really, really tried hard.  I just don’t feel much like celebrating. They must all feel so lonely, so lost…I’m sorry– I’m just feeling a little emotional right now.

Mike Richards:

This is incredible. You dream about it a million times, but then for it to finally happen, I mean, wow, just fucking wow.

Jarret Stoll:

It’s awesome, just awesome, like when the Vicodin sets in, you know?

Andrei Loktionov:

It’s like crazy Russian sex with tennis star. Like that one time, when we used the animal masks, before she got famous.