Rachelle, my wife, had to work and was unable to make it. These are the text messages that she sent me over the course of the evening:

*************************************

Rachelle: Pickle, tell me, how’s dinner going?

Rachelle: Really? You’re giving it a C minus, maybe a D?

Rachelle: That’s strange.

Rachelle: Really? You’ve lost a lot of respect for the family?

Rachelle: Did they call you out for bringing half a bottle of wine again?

Rachelle: You have to stop doing that. It’s embarrassing!

Rachelle: It is.

Rachelle: No, I’m not embarrassing, you’re embarrassing.

Rachelle: Oh, I think I know what happened.

Rachelle: What did you wear out?

Rachelle: You wore your black turtleneck and that jacket, didn’t you?

Rachelle: I know you think it makes you look like Carl Sagan.

Rachelle: I know.

Rachelle: But I still don’t understand why you think that’s a good thing.

Rachelle: Look, I don’t hate the cosmos.

Rachelle: Or space exploration.

Rachelle: Just bad clothes.

Rachelle: Now come on, just tell me what happened.

Rachelle: Oh, sweet Jesus that’s hilarious!!

Rachelle: So, just before everybody was about to start dinner, Marston said, “Edgy Pastor, would you please lead us in grace?”

Rachelle: I love that girl.

Rachelle: No, she’s not full of herself.

Rachelle: She’s so clever, and she’s right, when you wear that outfit you do look like an edgy Pastor.

Rachelle: Yes, you do.

Rachelle: Yes, like some white dad who’s going to rap Genesis or something.

Rachelle: Oh honey, I would never get in the way of your relationship with God!!

Rachelle: There’s more?

Rachelle: Hannah said, “It looks like a jacket you mother might have bought you.”

Rachelle: It’s like that girl is my daughter.

Rachelle: And then she added, “At a store called For Your Son.”

Rachelle: “For Your Adult Son.”

Rachelle: Oh Lord!!! Tears are streaming out of my eyes I am laughing so hard!

Rachelle: And then Marston said, “And she paid for it with a coupon she clipped from a newspaper?”

Rachelle: Oh Pickle, you really are defenceless in the face of those girls!

Rachelle: So what did you do?

Rachelle: Oh.

Rachelle: Do you think that was a good idea?

Rachelle: Well, it’s just if you’re always pretending to have an asthma attack, people might not be very responsive when you actually do, that’s all.

Rachelle: See? I told you!

Rachelle: That is just too funny, I love that they all held hands and prayed for the edgy Pastor during your fake asthma attack!

Rachelle: Did you end up saying grace?

Rachelle: Well, I think you should have embraced the persona and rapped it!

Rachelle: Yes, your life is nothing but a series of missed opportunities.

Rachelle: Oh, I’ve got to go, work calls!

Rachelle: Well, my edgy, little Pastor, I’ll see you in two hours, may you walk with the Lord!

Me: Feeling good today, very confident!

Me: You’re right, my Mindful Meditation session did go really well!

Me: Meditated the shit out of it! I was fucking Deerpark Chopra!

Me: No, I think it is Deerpark.

Me: Really?

Me: Deepak? That doesn’t sound like a name at all, more like a company that makes boxes or something.

Me: I don’t believe you.

Me: I’m going to look it up.

Me: Okay.

Me: Yes.

Me: I guess it is kind of amusing that I could get the last name right but still butcher the first name in such a “child-like” and “ challenged” way.

Me: I’m still going to call him Deerpark though.

Me: No, not stubborn, whimsical and playful. Like an otter.

Me: I also went to my first lymphatic massage session!

Me: Well, they tap your face.

Me: And yeah, that drains your lymph glands. Yes, by tapping.

Me: $200

Me: No, they didn’t wear diamond-encrusted gloves while doing the tapping.

Me: No, it wasn’t a topless lymphatic massage, either.

Me: Well, the happy ending is that my lymph glands are draining!

Me: I thought your insurance covered it!

Me: Fuck.

Me: Well, there are only 7 more sessions.

Me: Look, having drained lymph glands is important.

Me: At least as important as your “Power Skating” classes with Pierre. I mean, 3 times a week??

Me: I don’t trust Pierre, don’t believe he played in the NHL.

Me: Also don’t like the way you laugh around him.

Me: No, of course I trust you, my love.

Me: I’m at the Dark Horse Café now.

Me: Decaffeinated green tea, gangster style.

Me: Nowhere to sit in here.

Me: Woman says she’s holding last chair for a friend.

Me: Says she will be there in 5 minutes.

Me: Dazzling smile. Entirely distracting. Have forgotten why I was talking to her.

Me: I wish she did lymphatic massage.

Me: I’ll send you a picture.

Me: Really? Creepy and inappropriate?

Me:  On every level? Really?

Me: You’re really weird, you know that?

Me: Okay, 12 minutes have passed now and her friend still hasn’t shown up. I’m going to say something.

Me: I wonder if she’s a model?

Me: Okay, it’s been over 20 minutes! I’m going to give her a piece of my mind!

Me: Her beauty doesn’t entitle her to anything!

Me: You’re right, she is exactly like that Leprechaun guy on the TTC!!

Me: Only radiant and if the Leprechaun were made out of sunlight.

Me: Like Pierre, you said he’s made of light, and what did you say, “thigh muscles,” didn’t you?

Me: I WILL SAY SOMETHING!

Me: I AM NOT A SLAVE TO BEAUTY!

Me: (Except yours, my love)

Me: Ok, here I go.

Me: Losing my resolve. Think it’s melting. Standing with tea is fine.

Me: Hemingway wrote standing up.

Me: Her laptop bag deserves seat in crowded coffee shop.

Me: Laptop bag like a holy relic.

Me: Friend just floated in like a beautiful perfume.

Me: Think Pierre emerging from a spray of ice chips.

Me: Such beauty, should be a cover charge here.

Me: They are now talking together, as angels do.

Me: All is sunlight.

R: My hockey game just ended and I should be there in about 10!

R: No fights.

R: There are never any fights.

R: Well, thank you, I guess.

R: I appreciate that you think I would be good in fight.

R: It’s one of the nicest things you’ve ever said to me.

R: Very romantic.

R: Oh, you got the best seat in the house!

R: Well done, Pickle!

R: Yes, your charm is considerable.

R: I bet the hostess didn’t stand a chance.

R: Those new sneakers really give you a lot of confidence, don’t they?

R: Imagine how you’d feel if you had a driver’s license and a job, too??

R: You’d be made of confidence! You’d probably take over a country or something!

R: I’m not being sarcastic.

R: I’m being cute, playful and funny.

R: Hockey doesn’t make me mean.

R: Oh, Pickle, you know I love you, and I do appreciate that you got there early and used your charm to get us the best table in the place.

R: Yes, you do have a commanding presence. It’s clear from the way that animals always obey you.

R: Our dog, for instance, she really listens!

R: And remember when the squirrel knocked you over and gave you a bloody nose when it stole a lozenge from you?

R: No? Well, you did hit your head pretty hard, it’s possible you got a concussion.

R: Yes, you just keep up with the online brain games and I’m sure you’ll be fine.

R: I know you skipped grade three, but honey, that was a very, very long time ago.

R: WHAT????

R: REALLY??? HOLY FUCK!!

R: For the love of Christ, DO NOT SAY A WORD TO HIM!!

R: I CANNOT BELIEVE JIM CUDDY IS IN THE RESTAURANT!! OMG!

R: NO!!! Do not tell him that you really admired his work in the Bare Naked Ladies!

R: You know damn well he was in Blue Rodeo.

R: But it’s true, I would be a bare naked lady for him!

R: How does he look?

R: Yes, it is interesting that you got the best seat in the house and not him. HOW DOES HE LOOK?

R: Oh, he’s wearing ugly sneakers, is he?

R: I still love him. I would love him in any weather.

R: Whatever you do, pleasepleaseplease don’t speak to him.

R: Please, promise me that.

R: Look, I’m allowed celebrity crushes.

R: I know you’ve been looking at the nudes of Jennifer Lawrence.

R: I know you say you’d never violate her and that it’s a sex crime to look at stolen photos, but your Internet history tells a different story.

R: Look, let’s cut the bullshit, just make sure I’m sitting where I have a clear sight line to him, I’ll be there in 30 seconds.

*******************************************

R: My Wellness Coach is named Jamie and I think she’s still in high school.

R: It feels like I have to meet her for my session during her spare.

R: Hot?

R: Really? Did you really just ask me that?

R: Oh, it was autocorrect. I see.

R: You wanted to know if she was wearing a hat?

R: If what you say is true, then what you meant to write was, “Is she hat?”

R: It doesn’t make any sense.

R: It just doesn’t seem a likely thing for you to have written.

R: Of course, of course, I’m over-sensitive and always misunderstanding you.

R: Look, you can’t bring Fassbender into this, that’s not fair.

R: Whatever.

R: Look, let’s just get past this, okay?

R: Yes, I love you, too.

R: It’s hard to believe, but I swear this girl weighs about 80 pounds.

R: She practically qualifies as carry-on luggage.

R: She reminds me of Marcel the Shell.

R: I wonder if her parent’s know she’s doing this?

R: She’d make a lot more money than baby-sitting, that’s for sure.

R: Well, I’m on a Paleo diet now.

R: And I have a workout schedule.

R: I know.

R: You were a natural athlete with a very fast metabolism.

R: Not so much anymore.

R: It’s true, my love.

R: You have these, I don’t know, kind of lump handles around your waist now.

R: Mostly on the left side, which is weird.

R: Yeah, maybe you should mention it to the doctor.

R: I don’t think so, dear.

R: I just don’t think you have what it takes to be a doctor.

R: Well, for one thing you could never keep your coat white.

R: It would be covered in stains, like a tornado hit your lunch and sprayed it all over you.

R: It is true.

R: And then there’s the academics.

R: You’re good at other things, yes.

R: I don’t know how much Jesus weighed.

R: My guess would be 185, that sounds like a godly weight to me.

R: I bet Jesus would make for an fantastic Wellness Coach.

R: He’d be an awesome motivator.

R: You’ve always wanted to be on Survivor Island with Jesus, you say?

R: Just you and him in the final.

R: And then you would demand he sacrifice himself for the good of the island?

R: I’m not sure I understand your strategy.

R: All right then, it is the will of the Lord. Fine.

R: You’re right, that is a good argument ender.

R: Remember to take the dog out and get something for dinner, okay?

R: Right, I mean hunt. You and the hound go out and hunt for dinner, please.

R: Like Paleoiths.

R: I’ll be home around 7:00.

R: xoxo

M: I’m going to assemble our barbeque.

M: Yes, I am.

M: Yes, I’m serious.

M: No, Chris isn’t here. I’m on my own.

M: Really.

M: Just me.

M: Don’t be condescending.

M: All the pieces are spread out before me in the backyard.

M: No, I can’t put them back in the box.

M: Because I threw out the box.

M: And the instructions.

M: I don’t need them. It all looks pretty obvious.

M: I can intuit these things.

M: Yes, like I can intuit the presence of a ghost or when a waitress has a crush on me.

M: You’re very funny.

M: Do we have a screwdriver somewhere?

M: I don’t know what type of screwdriver, one that works, I guess.

M: Really? Screwdrivers have names?

M: Phillip is a funny name for a screwdriver.

M: Are you making that up?

M: Whatever.

M: I found it.

M: Geez, there are a lot of little pieces here.

M: And they all look kind of alike.

M: No.

M: No, I am not going to turn on the webcam.

M: You’ll just have everybody at work watching! I know you!

M: Remember how the pastor said you had to believe in me?

M: Well, he said something like that anyway.

M: Just believe in me, dammit!

M: Oh, hell.

M: Do we have any Band-Aids?

M: Very minor accident.

M: Wasn’t expecting the dog to jump up on me while I was attaching the black thing to the silver thing.

M: Really muscling it, you know, and then Heidi started to lick my face.

M: It all just kind of sprung back into me.

M: Knocked my glasses off.

M: Might have lost part of a filing, too.

M: No.

M: No, I’m not positive, it could have been an old piece of a peppercorn.

M: Actually, I think I would do well on Survivor Island.

M: Probably finish in the top three.

M: Fuck!

M: A squirrel just took off with a small black thing.

M: He’s sitting on the fence with it. Mocking me.

M: Mocking squirrel fled in the face of barking dog.

M: Small black thing now gone.

M: Feeling flushed. Hate global warming.

M: Going to lie down and turn on AC for a bit.

M: Yes, even if AC does contribute to global warming.

M: Return to project later.

As I’m not much of a gambler, I was just standing around watching some low stakes cards at a poker table. It was more like an Ex for people with addictions than it was a James Bond film–mindlessly repetitive, ugly in an everyday way and tinged with a bit of desperation. I just stood there hoping not to look too conspicuously like an Out-Of-Towner-Who-Is-A-Little-Scared-Of-Your-City.

After a moment or two a black man in a flashy sweater approached me.

Man: I got to say, that hat really looks good on you.

Me: Thanks, I love it.

The man then shook his head and put his hands on his hips.

Man: No, I don’t much compliment men, so this doesn’t come easy to me, but you really own that hat, man!

Me: Well, I like your sweater!

As I was saying this I sent a text to Rachelle:

Text to Rachelle: The Detroit Brothers really dig my style.

Man: You got some confidence to dress like that, boss!

Me: Well, my wife picked it out for me. She’s a designer– good at hockey, too.

Man: Your lady plays hockey?

Me: She has a wicked shot, great power forward.

Man: You Canadians and you’re hockey, man!

Text from Rachelle: Who are the Detroit Brothers?

Text to Rachelle: Black people!!!

As fate would have it the wife of the guy who liked my hat was sitting at the table right in front of us. She was pulling crumpled ones and fives out of her purse and handing them to the dealer. She turned and faced her husband with a look of surprise on her face.

Wife: Where you been at? I haven’t seen you in 10 hours, don’t you think its right that you come and check on me, maybe be bring me a drink or something?”

Man: (Looking incredulous and spinning around to include me in the conversation.) Where have I been? Where have you been at?! If you’re asking me where I’ve been for the last ten hours, then shouldn’t I be asking you the same question? (Directly to me) Can you believe it?

Me: Don’t get me involved.

Text from Rachelle: What are you doing? Stop it!

Wife: You shouldn’t just be leaving me alone all night. You never know what’s going happen. I’m special.

Man: I can be damn sure you ain’t gonna win nothing.

Text to Rachelle: I’m mediating a domestic dispute at a poker table.

His wife gave her husband the finger and then she sucked it.

Text from Rachelle: Did you just say to them the truth isn’t two-sided, it’s round?

Text from Me: Yes, but I added nigga.’

Me: Well, as they say, the truth isn’t two-sided, it’s round.

Wife: (Looking directly at me in that way) Have you been hitting the pipe? You got crack teeth, I can see that, so you best be minding your own business. I’m trying to play here, understand?

Man: You see what she’s like?

Me: (To woman) My teeth are like this because of chemotherapy, not crack, okay?

Text from Rachelle: Pickle, I’d really like it if you left the casino now and came to the hotel room.

Wife: I don’t care what they from, they be NASTY.

Man: (Facing his wife) You know what’s nasty, you’re nasty!

She looked at him, put her cards down on the table and stood up.

Wife: Oh no you didn’t.

The man waved her off and walked away, and I decided, as Rachelle had suggested, to just return to the hotel room, where for reasons I still don’t quite understand, I told her that I had won $85.