FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS THE WHITE HOUSE GIFT SHOP IS OFFERING A FREEDOM DISCOUNT ON ALL PRESIDENT TRUMP MEMORABILIA!!

THAT’S RIGHT.

FREEDOM SAVINGS OF UP TO 15%!!

DON’T BE A LOSER, ACT FAST WHILE THE SAVINGS ARE STILL AT DEFCOM 5!!!

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NORTH KOREA PEACE SUMMIT COMMEMORATIVE COIN

This beautiful, exquisitely crafted, luxury coin commemorating President Trump’s historic meeting with Kim Jong-un has been slashed from $24.99 to $19.99!! Nothing says, “Screw you, elites!” like money, so get out there and buy some today!!

PRESIDENT TRUMP “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” BUCK KNIFE

This is a limited production of 25 knives only and features inlays of genuine Blue Lapis, and Red Jasper, with USA and the American Eagle engraved in polished brass bolsters, with a mirror polished blade and “TRUMP” Make America Great Again engraved in the handles. Comes to you in a beautiful Red White and Blue display box equipped for wall hanging.

Buck Knife $149.99

PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP LIBERATING AMERICA FROM ROBOT TYRANNY BASEBALL HAT

Who can forget that fateful day when President Trump defeated Robot Supreme Commander ACLL-98 in a pay-per-view hand-to-hand spectacle that pulled in the greatest ratings of all time!?

Baseball hat with patch $49.99

Patch $ 9.99

“MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN” ONE PIECE WOMAN’S BATHING SUIT

Make a huge splash poolside or at the beach this summer in this classy and flattering, little number!

Swimsuit $55.00

PRESIDENT TRUMP FIRING MEATLOAF FROM CELEBRITY APPRENTICE THROW CUSHION

Remember where you were when Donald Trump fired Meatloaf from Team Backbone! Commemorate this great moment when all of America swept aside their partisan differences and came together as one to watch as the man who would become the greatest President America has ever seen– under tremendous, huge ratings pressure– do the right thing for free enterprise and fire Meatloaf, with a luxury throw cushion or fridge magnet!

Throw cushion ( Bat Out of Hell background) $24.99

Throw cushion (Red, white and blue) $20.99 SOLD OUT!!!!

Fridge magnets $5.99

“FAKE NEWS” BRASS KNUCKLES

These beautiful and effective puncture-spiked brass knuckles are platinum plated and come with the words “Fake” and “News” etched into the receiving end of each one. Fight back against the tyranny of the media, while supplies last!!

Platinum plated “Fake News” Brass Knuckles $1999.00

NSFW “GRAB HER BY THE PUSSY” COMMEMORATIVE COIN

This sexy and stylish NSFW coin is a must have for all Playboys and students of history out there! President Trump, projecting the fun and flirty spirit of the Kennedy years, doesn’t just Make America Great Again, he makes her Swoon again!

Commemorative NSFW coin $49.99

Recently, he’s gone so far as to start referring to the man as Saint Donald, and as absurd and even ironic as this strikes the vast majority of the populace, people have been reporting miracles involving Donald Trump for quite some time:

A golfer who lives in Anaheim claims to have seen an apparition of Donald Trump floating above the 13^th green at the prestigious Trump National Golf Club. Normally, the golfer would have laid up and played for a par, but the Trump apparition seemed to be telling him to go for it, and so he did, holing the 260 yard shot for an eagle. “It was a damn miracle,” Chip Anger said, “I’d never done anything like that in my life.”

It was reported the Donald Trump came upon a Miss Universe contestant taking a bath and that she tried to entice him to bathe with her.

However, she was not Donald’s type, as he does not like small breasts, and so he refused, but not wanting to leave the young woman devastated, he turned her bath water into Trump Super Premium Vodka.

An evil and disgruntled contestant on The Apprentice had been making designs to assassinate Donald Trump, as she was certain she was to be the next who was to be fired. While in the boardroom she poured some poison into his glass of Trump brand water, and sure enough, just as Donald uttered the words, “Ereka, you’re fired!” his glass of water spontaneously shattered.

A man’s wife would not have sex with him. She would not even stimulate his genitals with her hand, and was planning on leaving him, so this man asked Trump for some advice on how to bring back her love. And Trump blessed a Trump brand steak for him, and said: “Serve your woman this steak, and after she has eaten of the Trump brand steak and tidied up, her lust for you will be huge.” And after the man had done that, his wife gave him great love, and it remained that she could not be far from him and was always eager to please him.

One day while some of his luxury condo dwellers were busy enjoying their opulent homes of burnished marble and luxurious platinum, all the power went out. When Donald Trump was told of this problem, flames, like flashes from a flint when struck, leapt from his tiny, vulgar fingers and all electricity was immediately restored.

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I know that this isn’t proper form, but can I just say, what a goddamn monkey!!

Can we give it up for, George?

Yeah, that’s the sort of monkey he was, the sort of monkey that could get an entire church full of people to yell and applaud wildly. Just think about that for a second. He was an entirely different species, and here we all are, brought together by this wondrous monkey, cheering at the mere thought of him.

Remember that cheer, people. That’s a gift that George left to us, his encouragement to go out there into the world– fearless and happy– and to make as much mischief as possible!

George, as you all know, was no ordinary monkey. Other monkey’s may have arrived on the scene…Bubbles? The Ikea Monkey?

Couldn’t even hold George’s banana peel.

George endured while all the others fell away.

And Lord, such a funny monkey.

The funniest monkey ever, I think.

He was the Robin Williams of monkeys.

It wasn’t just his curiosity that made him so uniquely beloved, there was something else, too, something that spoke to humans and primates alike. George was joy, a playful little monkey who led us back to our better angels, to a place where the light of childhood shone all year round. And regardless of how famous George became, regardless of how busy or troubled his life became, even when he El Chapo made a trophy pet of him,

George ALWAYS made time to play.

Now, a lot of you might be wondering why The Man in the Yellow Hat, his partner in crime, isn’t here delivering this eulogy. Well, he and George had a complicated relationship, and it has to be said that over the years an awful lot of poo was flung. Back when it all started, The Man in the Yellow Hat tricked George by taking advantage of his curiosity, luring him into his big yellow hat and then taking him from his home and family in Africa to the shores of America.

George always resented it.

By today’s standards what The Man in the Yellow Hat did was unacceptable. A crime, even. But in the 1930’s people didn’t see it that way. Anyway, as George learned more about what happened to him, he distanced himself from The Man in the Yellow Hat. Well, it turns out this separation did neither man nor monkey any good. The Man in the Yellow Hat took to pills, the bottle and street fighting,

his whereabouts now unknown, and George careened from one professional disaster to the next– the masturbation incident in the boardroom of Celebrity Apprentice now carved into the history of American popular culture.

Our sweet George sort of wandered through the wilderness after that, a lost monkey in the cities of man. It was at this time that Islam reached out to him, and ???? ???????, as George chose to be called after his conversion, seemed to be getting his life back on track. Unfortunately, like too many of the disenfranchised and alienated amongst us, George became radicalized. Monkey see, monkey do.

George’s curiosity just proved too much in this case, and his life ended in Syria as part of an ISIS suicide squad.

I don’t know much about the afterlife or where George is, but I choose to imagine that beautiful monkey still clinging to that kite from one of his very first adventures, the winds gently pulling him upwards and home to glory.

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Eliminate all conflict-of-interest restrictions governing elected officials. Buy-off and/or torture all in opposition.

Remove Harriet Tubman from twenty-dollar bill, replace with Keith Hernandez.

Find out difference between Hispanic, Latino and Mexican. Fire Mexicans. Find out if Cespedes is Mexican; if so, grant amnesty.

Rename ballpark Donald J. Trump, POTUS, Luxury Baseball Stadium and Driving Range. Also suitable for use as as detention/execution facility in off-season

Mr. Met is a loser as far as mascots go, no talent, but the merchandizing is in place.

Need to open up new mascot revenue streams. Sidekick? Chris Christie? Put him in a flesh-colored bodysuit? Sad clown in flesh-colored bodysuit wearing opponent’s hat?? Mr. Met beats on him with a baseball bat or lead pipe whenever we score.

Every time the opposing pitcher gets pulled from the game a giant image of me, President Donald J. Trump, will appear on the video screen saying, “You’re fired!” Crowd goes wild. Crowds love me, especially mobs.

Contact NASA and find out what planet Noah Syndergarrd is from. Get more like him.

Replace foul poles with beautiful, high-quality columns made from the finest ivory and marble.

Order CIA Black Op to steal opponent’s signals. Be present to ensure waterboarding.

In off-season run reality show to determine Mets new closer. Call it “The Closer.” Think intro: “I’m President Donald J. Trump, the greatest negotiator on the planet. I have what it takes to be the ultimate closer, do you?”

Create companion show for The Closer called, “The Burning Hot Wives of Major League Baseball!”

Interview players, management and other team owners (include fan vote but disregard) to find out who baseball’s hottest wives are. Then the wives, in bikinis, tennis skirts, etc, compete against one another (setting a dinner table, pleasing your man in bed, skiing, etc) to see who is the ULTIMATE trophy wife. Winner gets a featured modelling spot in Sports Illustrated and a $100,000 shopping/cosmetic surgery spree with Melania in her native Slovenia. Note: Buy Sport’s Illustrated.

Sign biggest star in the world for role in organization. Leo?? Hulk Hogan?? Billy Joel?? Larry King?? Meet with cabinet to discuss.

Donald Trump’s New York Mets-themed golf resort and luxury casino on Rockaway Beach. Former Mets work as greeters, golf instructors, bartenders, housekeepers, dealers, masseurs and high-end gigolos. Premier bachelorette party destination and homosexual paradise. Will sink Vegas.

Honor the Job Creators Night. Plutocrats and their servants get in for free. During the seventh-inning stretch there will be a welfare queen scramble. The assembled poor will run about the outfield trying to collect one dollar bills as they’re blown around by a giant fan. Loser who receives the most handouts gets a collector’s edition, Omarosa bobble-head doll and $150 worth of gaming chips at Donald Trump’s New York Mets-themed golf resort and luxury casino on Rockaway Beach.

Fire manager every three months. Employees work best if motivated by fear. (Reminder: Fire personal assistant, efficient but missing a finger, not Trump quality)

Buy-off all the umpires, but torture them first.

CLASS AND QUALITY

Our future leaders and business tycoons will learn about gold plating, Chinese food, sports pedicures and Europe from some of the loveliest contestants in the history of The Apprentice. This intensive course is uptown.

“The course I took on Class and Quality at Trump University really helped me become the man that I am. I owe Donald Trump a lot more than just money.”

–Dennis Rodman

If you want to climb the ladder to success, you need to take this course.

THE ART OF TWITTER

Trump, long known for his devastating wit and ability to conjure Le Mot Juste, is a master of communication. In this course, students will acquire the skills and techniques needed to learn to use Twitter to their best advantage so that they may enhance their brand, network effectively, disseminate message and defeat their loser enemies. We will do an in depth reading of the famous Twitter exchange between Donald Trump and loser TV writer Danny Zuker. *1

HYGIENE AND COLOGNE: “A MAN IS ONLY AS RICH AS HE SMELLS (* This course is only open to men)

Donald Trump knows that the key to success is more than just business acumen and acquiring the appropriate trophy wives. A man has to look good: he has to be clean. In this class many of Donald Trump’s secret grooming tips will be shared with, and only with, this exclusive group of quality and classy students. You will learn how to wear socks that make a winning statement, how to keep your nails clean without looking like a pushover in the boardroom and how often to bathe/shower/hot tub and whether it is appropriate for servants to see you naked. The answer might surprise! A clue, from Donald Trump, “Intimidation is key to any success in business.” (Includes a field trip to a sauna at a cost of $85 per student.)

BUSINESS AND BIG GAME HUNTING (Discontinued)

BEAUTY PAGEANTS AND SEX TAPES (Graduate level course)

After extensive viewing of course material, students in this seminar will learn how to expertly avoid being trapped in sex tapes by bitter ex-wives, business associates, competitive, ambitious friends of your daughter and prostitutes, and how to profitably and successfully navigate the complex, often dangerous landscape of beauty pageants.

*1 http://variety.com/2013/more/news/donald-trump-modern-family-writer-spar-on-twitter-1200487989/

What follows is a partial transcript of our final interview:

Pointy Headed man wearing a bowtie: Cressida, that’s a beautiful blouse you’re wearing!

Pale woman with small teeth: I love it, too! It brings out that beautiful auburn in your hair, Cressie!

Cressida: Oh, thank you both, that’s so sweet, but I have to say I can’t take any credit for it.  It was a gift from Roger Federer for that feature I wrote on him that won the National Magazine Award!

Me: I didn’t know that Roger Federer shopped at Winners.

Cressida: I think you have a toothpaste stain on your shirt, Michael, and your right shoe.

Pointy Headed man wearing a bowtie: So, Cressida, let’s start with you. Although I think we all have a pretty good idea, would you tell us what would you bring to the position of Fiction Editor of the New Yorker?

Cressida: Blahblahblahblahblahblah.

Pointy Headed men wearing a bowtie: Wow. Just wow.

Man wearing a cape: I have to say Michael, that’s a tough act to follow. What about you, how would you respond to the question?

Me: I feel like I’m on the Apprentice.

Pale woman with small teeth: You mean the novel by Ferenc Herczeg? Interesting, please elaborate.

Me: May I excuse myself to get a drink of water please?

Cressida: I think he meant the TV show with Donald Trump and not the great work of Ferenc Herczeg, whom I met and edited in Hungry.

Me: Slut.

Woman who was going for a sexy librarian look but failed big time: Mister Murray?

Me: Please, call me Michael, I’m not all stuck up and pretentious like some people here that might be named Cressida.

Cressida: Excuse me, but I do not take kindly to being called a slut. Even though we’re competing for the same job, it doesn’t mean we can’t be civil. And I was only slutty for that first year at Oxford.

(Much laughter amongst stupid inquisition clique and slut Cressida, followed by long, exclusionary digression about all the universities they attended and all of the common people and dogs that they know.)

Donald J Trump     39 m

Our nation is a once great nation divided.

Donald J Trump     43 m

Our country is now in serious and unprecedented trouble…like never before.

Donald J Trump       49m

Our country is a total sham and travesty. We are not a democracy!

Donald J Trump        51m

More votes equals a loss…revolution!

Donald J Trump        51m

Let’s fight like hell and stop this great and disgusting injustice! The world is laughing at us.

Donald J Trump       53m

We can’t let this happen. We should march on Washington and stop this travesty. Our nation is totally divided

Donald J Trump        54 m

The phony electoral college made a laughing stock out of our nation. The loser one!

Donald J Trump        1 hr

He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!

Donald J Trump         1hr 2 m

I can’t stop crying. America died.

Donald J Trump          1 hr 9m

I make the best luxury golf resorts in the world. Quality. 10% off for Revolutionaries.

Donald J Trump         1 hr 21m

Don’t miss the Trump Universe Pageant in Atlantic City 2013. We will rebuild with sexy ladies!

Donald J Trump     1 hr 23m

I offer 5 million dollars to the first patriot that maims our imposter president or lures him into sex tape situation.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 23 m

Patriot also gets a Lexus, quality vehicle with power windows. Gold.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 37m

Hate his imposter president’s monkey ears! Streets must flow with blood!

Donald J Trump 1 hr 39m

It will be AIDs blood, so wear rain boots!

Donald J Trump 1 hr 41m

Out of vodka and bored of my hookers.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 42m

Burning cigarette into woman’s flesh less energizing than would have thought.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 48m

She a good screamer, though, I’ll give her that.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 51m

Takes a lot of moxie to get on the Apprentice.

Donald J Trump 1 hr 52m

Moving to Dubai. Fuck America in the face. America, you’re fucking fired!

Donald J Trump 2hr 2m

Condos starting from just $1,699,000. Be amongst the first to live in most prestigious location in all of NYC!

Donald J Trump 2 hr 7 m

Thanks a lot Christians for not showing up to vote. You disgust me.

Donald J Trump 2 hr 18m

Can’t believe we have a Korean President! They eat dogs!!

Donald J Trump 2 hr 24m

Building a quality bomb. Trump quality. Will get the job done.