What follows is a partial transcript of our final interview:
Pointy Headed man wearing a bowtie: Cressida, that’s a beautiful blouse you’re wearing!
Pale woman with small teeth: I love it, too! It brings out that beautiful auburn in your hair, Cressie!
Cressida: Oh, thank you both, that’s so sweet, but I have to say I can’t take any credit for it. It was a gift from Roger Federer for that feature I wrote on him that won the National Magazine Award!
Me: I didn’t know that Roger Federer shopped at Winners.
Cressida: I think you have a toothpaste stain on your shirt, Michael, and your right shoe.
Pointy Headed man wearing a bowtie: So, Cressida, let’s start with you. Although I think we all have a pretty good idea, would you tell us what would you bring to the position of Fiction Editor of the New Yorker?
Cressida: Blahblahblahblahblahblah.
Pointy Headed men wearing a bowtie: Wow. Just wow.
Man wearing a cape: I have to say Michael, that’s a tough act to follow. What about you, how would you respond to the question?
Me: I feel like I’m on the Apprentice.
Pale woman with small teeth: You mean the novel by Ferenc Herczeg? Interesting, please elaborate.
Me: May I excuse myself to get a drink of water please?
Cressida: I think he meant the TV show with Donald Trump and not the great work of Ferenc Herczeg, whom I met and edited in Hungry.
Me: Slut.
Woman who was going for a sexy librarian look but failed big time: Mister Murray?
Me: Please, call me Michael, I’m not all stuck up and pretentious like some people here that might be named Cressida.
Cressida: Excuse me, but I do not take kindly to being called a slut. Even though we’re competing for the same job, it doesn’t mean we can’t be civil. And I was only slutty for that first year at Oxford.
(Much laughter amongst stupid inquisition clique and slut Cressida, followed by long, exclusionary digression about all the universities they attended and all of the common people and dogs that they know.)
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Heidi never have resume. Always rely on looks, reputation and friends to get Heidi job, but world change! Now must be Linkedin and able to navigate social media! Heidi decide it time to make resume!
Heidi Resume
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Heidi.
Heidi good dog.
Very, very good dog.
Heidi very fast dog with excellent fetch skills. Can chase ball, cat, squirrel or flying two-leg cheat animal. When Heidi catch, Heidi show no mercy! Heidi kill and tear, Heidi Alpha! But in right situation, Heidi work well with pack, no have to be Alpha even though Alpha. Heidi facilitator, ambassador of self-esteem who always make pack stronger! Heidi versatile.
Heidi great at digging!
Heidi almost six and in her prime.
Heidi fixed.
Heidi good dog.
Very, very good dog.
Important for employer to understand Heidi barking skills. Heidi bark like war bomb explosion! Heidi bark like dinner bowl falling from great height! Heidi never stop! Heidi provide first-rate security for all employment needs! Heidi smell and hear anything, then barkbarkbarkbark!! Heidi fierce, mother of dragons!
Heidi hate cats. No work with cats. Cats deal breaker for Heidi.
Heidi have good appetite. Try anything! Be very good food critic. Here sample of Heidi work:
“Meat lasagna good! Heidi eat fast and lick plate! Four star!”
“French fry limp and without texture. Hit all wrong notes for Heidi. Where meat?!”
(More samples available upon request.)
Heidi very committed to all projects she start and always see it through. Heidi once chase moth in den of two-leggers for three days until Heidi kill and eat moth. Heidi extraordinary bug hunter. Talk of reality TV show, Heidi: Bug Hunter!! but fell through because Heidi agent stupid two-leg with ugly face!!
Special Achievements:
Heidi won New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest and was featured on Cute Overload. Heidi capture and kill bat.
Hobbies and Interests:
Squeak toys, scavenging, religion, bugs and conspiracy theories.
References:
Rusty.
Banjo.
Rex.
Heidi not all bark no bite.
Heid bite and bark.
Heidi real deal.
You be crazy not to hire Heidi.
Heidi make your tail wag!
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